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#1319244 03/08/05 12:42 AM
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can't sleep, having a panic attack maybe, although it's more about my heart beating funny than anxioty feelings. i know this souds stupid but it is scaring me.

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Hey FL - I'm here... what's going on? are you OK?

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just being a baby maybe, my heart was beating so hard and fast. seems a bit better now that i am sitting up. i have a fierce headache too. i took some benedryl.

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Hey FL - Good... take some deep breaths... and try to relax... is anything in particular bothering you or worrying you? How did your weekend go with your H?

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he was gone until last night. he is so sad. my heart is breaking, how could i have hurt him like this. how could i have thought i could have somehow made things right with him. he leaves town again tommorow afternoon, until friday night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning-T2M:
<strong> he was gone until last night. he is so sad. my heart is breaking, how could i have hurt him like this. how could i have thought i could have somehow made things right with him. he leaves town again tommorow afternoon, until friday night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok... so you know that you've hurt him. Remember, that's all in the past. You can't change the past... but you can work on yourself and your M today...

FL, What's your plan for helping your H? What things can you do today that will help him learn to trust you again? What things can you do today that will SHOW your H that you are still committed to him and the M?

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FL2, do some diaphragm breathing and keep talking to us.

It's definitely a panic attack.

Jen

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my plan... to be loving, kind, patient, care for him, be here for him. i don't think any thing i do helps him. he tells me he does not know what he needs. he has told me he just might not be able to get past this. faithfullness is all he ever needed from me and i have not done that for him since before we were even married. all i can do is try to be the best person/wife/mom now. i just want him to be happy again somehow. do you think situations ever get to a point where the most loving thing to do is to leave? i cannot imagine myself doing that ever. such a far cry from what i used to think. i'm not saying i want to die but i seriously would rather die than divorce him. what if he cannot be happy ever again with me in his life. you will say, look at the facts, he is still here. yes he is here, but he is not happy. he deserves to be happy. when will he get to feel happy again?

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning-T2M ]</small>

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FL, I am only here for a minute but wanting to send you a hug.{{FL}}

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Hi Jen, thanks, i am getting tired now, benedryl always knocks me out. i hate to admit this but sometimes i want to take more then normal dose. can too much be harmful? sometimes i just want to be able to sleep hard with no bad dreams.

FF, thanks for the hug. i won't keep you if you are off to bed. i have been thinking of you all day today, looking for any new news from you. you ok?

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I'm ok, FL. Will post tomorrow an update. Get some rest.

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FL, he (and you) have had an awful lot to deal with. He's not going to be happy again overnight. And, yes, he is still there. Something very deep keeps him with you.

Jen

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ok, i just saw your post in your thread too. you get some good rest too. nite FF.

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i know it can't be overnight. but are you sure it will happen someday???

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i know you cannot answer that question. i just desperately need to know he will be ok someday and happy again. i really hate myself right now.

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i'm going back to bed. i'm not doing anything productive right now. please no one tell me i have to be happy. i am happy a lot of the time. i have my patience back like i used too. i'm being more productive at work again. i am happy with who i am right now. but i still hate myself sometimes for hurting this person so badly. i cannot take any of it back. i would, if i could. i would do anything to help him be happy again. anything.

benedryl seems to be working, i am very sleepy now, silly to fight it. i have only about 5hrs before alarm goes off for work

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Hey girl! Take it easy, OK? (HA!!! Look who *that's* coming from!!!!) You *WILL* be OK. We men bruise easier, don't believe what you hear.You can't control how he feels or what he does; you *CAN* make him see the person you really are--and you know who you are. And you've done a damn good job of that. Be proud of yourself, FL. Smile. You've done wonders with your situation and turing it into positive. Now, rub off on me, damnit!

Anyway, just relax, OK. (Hehehe--gotta laugh again when I say that!)

{{{fl}}}

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning-T2M:
<strong> i know it can't be overnight. but are you sure it will happen someday??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey FL - I've never posted my 'entire' story here... but the short version is that my life was pure HE** for the first three years of our M. My W had multiple A's... I knew about one A, suspected another, and didn't have a clue about the other ones until 10 years later... So I know how painful it is for your H.

I also know that I made a decision to stay with my W... just as it appears that your H has made a decision to stay with you.

I don't know why I did what i did... everyone (from my parents to my co-workers, to my friends) all told me to dump my W after her 1st A. Imagine how I felt 10 years later when I found out that my W had other A's that I never even knew about!

It's going to take lots of work from BOTH of you, but yes, you and your H CAN be happy again. My W and I have dealt with all of our issues and our M is so much stronger now than either of us ever dreamed it could be...

Right now, your H probably doesn't know what to think... but he's still with you. FL, he's going to hurt... he's going to be angry... he has to deal with all of this and it takes time. The best thing that I could say for you guys to do is to find a good pro-marriage MC and start going... I know that you've said that he doesn't want to do MC... but IMHO, it will take a professional to help him thorugh all of this. You can't do it for him...

Don't hate yourself... remember, you can't change the past, but you can work on the present... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">please no one tell me i have to be happy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That would be a *HUGE* stretch coming fomr my keyboard! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Go get some zzzzz's.

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Karen, no one's going to tell you you have to be happy. But I am going to tell you to stop beating yourself up.

You've been on the board nearly as long as I have and all I've ever seen of you is a really nice person who has done all she can to fix a situation that would be too overwhelming for most people.

Liny, listen to your own advice and TAKE IT, hon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jen

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