Here is the thing guys and gals...

He has changed his original post to "never mind." He isnt responding or clarifying. So? What does that mean?

If he is serious about help or wanting to find his way, then let him speak up. Until then, let this thread die.

There are many FWSs on here that I have a great deal of respect for. I think they made huge mistakes, and have become better people because of it.

But while in the affair, while justifying it...there is no respect for that.

With that being said, this guy...as long as he continues in this affair, as long as he wont face reality, is a coward and a man of no character. No honor. He isnt even trying to defend what he is doing...he just says never mind, and runs away. That is because what he is doing is indefensible.

So, let this thread die now...unless SSOM decides that he really is a man, and decides that he wants honor more than he wants the "perfect" woman.

In His arms.

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Dear SSOM,

I noticed most everyone that replied to you is a BS and will, naturally, have some strong opinions against the permission that you're asking - particularly, knowing the excrutiating pain that people like you and I have caused them.

I'm a WW (notice not yet a FWW). I didn't get to read your post, but I get the picture with what everyone else has said. Obviously, I don't hate you, as I'm neck-deep in this situation myself. However, I do want to mention something that hopefully will shed some light on your situation ... I, like your lady friend, ventured outside of my M b/c I felt that there was some significant deficiencies in my M ... emotional, physical, financial needs unmet, you name it! I fell head over heels for the OM b/c he seemed to have met my every need and can 'rescue' me from my awful situation. And, frankly, if I wasn't married, he and I would probably have made a great life together.

The reality is this: I AM MARRIED. And, the reason I've not been able to file the D is b/c I do still harbor some (albeit remote) feelings for my H, NOT b/c he puts up a fight. If you think about it, what you say is almost contradictory: If my H actually fought w/ me and made it even more unpleasant for me to be around him, it would make my decision so much easier. I don't even have to see him to file the D papers. Lawyers can do that. With this, I'll bet that your lady-friend is going through one or more of the following: 1) she's not revealed everything about her A to her H 2) she still bears some deep-seated feelings for her H or 3) she's trying to see who - you or her H - is really best for her in the long-run b/c that's what everyone is telling her to do. (Note: I've been through all 3, so I know what it's like to vascillate from 1 second to the other, literally.) Unfortunately, none of these scenarios are very kind to you nor to her H, and she knows it. If she's like me, she's feeling an immense amount of guilt and shame, but she's not willing to give up "the best of both worlds." That's why she's afraid to make a 'wrong' decision one way or the other.

Until your lady-friend decides to file for a D, she can never give wholly to anyone else. I can tell you 1 thing ... that what my OM has seen in the past year is a facade. It's what I WANTED him to see (a perfect woman who has had severe problems with her M) and NOT what is REALLY me. To keep his love, he'll never know that there were some very good times in my M, that I did fall in love with my H years ago. He'll never see the enormous guilt that I bear for lying and hiding what's in my head and heart nor know about the nights I stayed up crying wondering who IS right for me. If she is as wonderful as you say, the fact that she's married and seeing another man is TEARING HER TO PIECES.

So, my advice is this - if you TRULY love her and think that there's a remote chance for you two, leave her be so she can have a clear head to make that very important decision for herself. If she feels that strongly for you, she'll have the strength to file the D and be with you. It's like the saying ... "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

Note: I asked for NC from my OM nearly 3 weeks ago, and he just couldn't let go because of the very same thing you're saying ... that he loves me. That he thinks I'm the absolute perfect woman for him and that he wants us to live happily ever after. B/c I do care for him and missed him miserably, I caved. Now, I'm starting to resent him for not giving me the time to make my own decisions. Trust me, the last thing you'd want is a wife who realizes half-way through your marriage that she's made a big mistake and either 1) stays with you but resents you for it or 2) leaves you half-way and returns to her ex. Both of these scenarios have played again and again in my head for the last year or so, and it is truly scary.

I know you're probably thinking ... she (this Whisper person) don't know anything about my R. That's not what she's like. Her love is real. The only part that is true is that she probably does care a lot about you. However, if you took the time to think about it, you'll start to see the signs. What you've seen is not reality. It never will be until she makes that decision one way or the other. And, even then, she'll be tormented by self-doubt until she's able to justify it in her own head and mourn the loss of one of you. I know ... like I said, I'm neck-deep in it.

I'm sorry that you have to hear the ugly story, but I'm also certain that these are things she would love to tell you but can't.

Good luck, SSOM. Be strong.

Whisper

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cruz:
<strong>
She is a liar.
She is deceitful.
She keeps secrets from the man she vowed before God to put before of all others.
She is an adulteress.
She is selfish.
She is untrustworthy.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like great marriage material to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just a word to the wise, SSOM, what she does with you, she will do TO YOU. What she is doing to her husband, she will also do to you if given the chance.

SSOM,
Don’t be crazy! No one around here wants to shoot you or anybody else! Castrating you is a possibility however! LMAO! I’m warning you. The woman around here are tough!

Come on SSOM, don’t offended, that’s just a little black infidelity humor! So what is it that you want to tell us? What sage advice do you have to offer?

Coach

PS. And by the way, why would you want to sleep with my wife? I’m still trying to figure out how she found some one to cheat with!

Head or heart?

noodle,

How did I Know that was going to be your Reaction?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

TR,

Since he so graciously offered, I figure I can be mercifull.

Left to my own devices, I'd just shoot off parts randomly to amuse myself..until my hand cramped up..or there was something good on TV. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Noodle

The response to this guy has been appalling. Nothing has been said here that helps him, the WS or the BS.

Perhaps a Bible story might help--

John 8-11:

At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]</small>

JM,

I wasn't aware that other people were responsible for the actions of the individual.

So, I suggest that your chicken/egg quandry is unsubstantiated.

Noodle

JimmyMac - I, for one, have no idea whether SSOM or the WW involved with him are Christians or not.

Regardless, your indignation is misplaced, as is your use of Scripture.

The OPERATIVE part of the passage you quoted is NOT that all men are "sinners," it is this: "“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” The behavior was called "Sin" by Jesus Christ and the perpetrator was commanded to "Quit Sinning" and follow God's commands.

Political correctness aside, you seem to be afraid to call a "sin" a "sin." You are NOT judging someone when what you are pointing out is God's CLEAR position about their sinful choices and behavior, so don't confuse this with erroneous applications of the "do not judge" admonition.

You potentially do far more harm by NOT confronting such actions than you would ever do by stating categorically that it is WRONG.

Just my humble opinion, so feel to disagree.

pssssssssst! hey, y'all...

I think he's gone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

The response to this guy has been appalling. Nothing has been said here that helps him, the WS or the BS.

did you read the oringinal post...

ARK

I am reminded of a quote by Emerson:

"What you are shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say."

SSOM never came to this forum to find out any answers, he came to fight the world. He came to scream and rant against that which keeps him most happy; the reality that what he is doing is not "right", but merely pleasurable, for doing "right" is not always pleasurable.

"You cannot break the law. You can only break yourself against the law."
-Cecille B. Demille The Ten Commandments

Well, I deleted my post because I realize that I'm at the wrong place. Maybe I should be talking to the police as I fear my life is in danger. I deleted my post but I had said that he told her that if she leaves him to be with me, he'll kill me. I have to also fear for her safety if he gets too drunk and loses control. Not all marriages are worth saving!!!

Well, you did say, "shoot me."

Recommend you stay away from the married folks if you fear for your life now. Let this be a cheap lesson.

Have you learned anything?

I missed your original post.

So would you say you're rescuing this woman from a homicidal drunk?

GC

Well, you did say, "shoot me."

Recommend you stay away from the married folks if you fear for your life now. Let this be a cheap lesson.

Have you learned anything?

SSOM,

I agree with you. Not all marriages are worth saving.

No affairs are worth saving ever.

So, while her marriage may not be...her affair with you definitely is not.

If you worried for her life as sincerely as you claim, you would not endanger her further by creating an environment likely to cause an already impulse control lacking man to harm her.

Her marriage, and her divorce, are none of your business.

So pull up your pants, quit looking for support and end this affair. Nothing to be gained but pain. For you, for her.

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The response to this guy has been appalling. Nothing has been said here that helps him, the WS or the BS. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually I thought mine was OK.

But to your point:
Haven't found many OP looking to help the BS or even the WS.

Just look at the guy's last post.
Its all about his safty, his life, his needs....ME, Me, me!

Indeed, that is the fuel that drives an A...selfishness.

But mr. sos, if it makes you feel any better keep in mind that most BS "say" a lot of very emotional things.......yet End up carrying through with very Few.

Look at all the posters here who've "wanted" to kill the OP, yet haven't had one actually DO It yet.
(At least none that have confessed). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Learn this lesson well,
cause if you weren't banging this guys wife I'm 99.99999% sure he would never be threatening YOU at all.
When you interject yourself into someone else's situation......you can't always know the outcome.
Hope you've learned your lesson and will guard yourself better in the future.

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SSOM:
<strong> Well, I deleted my post because I realize that I'm at the wrong place. Maybe I should be talking to the police as I fear my life is in danger. I deleted my post but I had said that he told her that if she leaves him to be with me, he'll kill me. I have to also fear for her safety if he gets too drunk and loses control. Not all marriages are worth saving!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You deleted your post before I could read it, but I still have to question your logic. Did you not realize that affairs often lead to violent retaliation by the betrayed?? Do you not live at all on Planet Earth?? You cannot poke a snake and then claim that you did nothing to deserve being bit.

You may "feel" righteous in trying to "save" a bad marriage, but again you are only feeling and not thinking. I fully realize that what I tell you is not worth my effort, for man tends to do what he wants to and not what he should. So in the end you will do what you wish and you and others shall feel the consequences of your actions.