Something I've been thinking about. Considering my WH's LTA (3.5 years) and all that has happened between us.........

Is there hope? Are there any success stories of this happening?

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong> Something I've been thinking about. Considering my WH's LTA (3.5 years) and all that has happened between us.........

Is there hope? Are there any success stories of this happening?

K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sure there are. You can ALWAYS find "hope" and a success story. Unfortunatley k, I think your situation is a little different. Your WH is an abusive man, who has repeateldy betrayed you. These types of people have serious character issues that would make a "true" and lasting recovery less probable. There may come a time soon when you need to see your WH for who he IS...and not who he "was" or who you want him to be. YOur WH would need to devote an awful lot of enrgy and focus to try and get help and recover himself. It does not seem likely that he will do this.

I by no means want to "rain on the parade", but for your sanity and mental health, you need to see this with your eyes wide open.

I am very sorry for your pain and suffering. Being married to a man for 30 years and accepting the fact that he is not the man you had hoped is a tough pill to swallow. I ofocurse HOPE for him to get help for his many severe issues, but in reality, although possible, this is NOT probable.

I am sorry that I could not be more hopeful for you with this.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi LM.....

I understand what you are saying about character....but I honestly do not understand how someone's character can change so drastically.

And, it seems that the change is aimed at one person - me. I want my eyes to be opened....and even if the sight is not pretty, I need to deal with it.

Is this who he really is... has he always been this way? Or did he change into the person he is now because he has strayed too far from his roots?

Right now, I guess I am still blaming myself for WH's change - even tho I know I do not have the power to change another person.

I guess I have answered my own question. The only person I can change is myself.

The only hope for me lies within ME! WH must deal with his own devils.....hence the Plan B.

Soul searching and finding yourself (especially at my age) is like peeling the layers off an onion - hope I can stand the smell long enough to really find myself.

Thanks, K

Hi K. I am actually one year older than you are. So, I do not want you to feel alone in all of this. I have been married to my 2 H for 9 years and he is 48. He has been having an A with a OW who is 28. At first I was devastated, but am getting "used" to the fact. He is still denying big time, so no D day actually but cell phone records and past actions speak loudly here.
Anyway, I now am changing myself on the inside and outside. I know it has nothing to do with looks, but if it makes me feel better - shoot, I am over 20 years older than her, grrr - I do feel better, at times. Panic attacks abound but hanging in there. I will get a handle of this. He is due home soon and we will have a huge blow up over this one way or another. I plan A big time, it is all I can do to make it better right now.
I just wanted you to know that we are kinda in the same place. You can contact me anytime.

Carnation

Hi Carnation.....

Thanks for your post.

You hang in there, Plan A, and let your WH have a big blow up - and you stay calm. Don't let him suck you into any of his chaos.

Keep working on you.....I'm starting to get it now that I need to work on me....find me.

But still, I'd like to know if there are any success stories when a LTA is involved!!!

K

My FWS did have a 4 yrs on again, off again A. We recovered from that only to have him succumb again to another OW 2 yrs later. He obviously didn't deal with all his demons that other time.

He resumed the same deceitful, distant, accusing, disrespectful behavior during that last one as the one before. He has since looked closely at himself and learned to change what wasn't workin for him. He understands the ins an outs of the selfish behavior that make up A's. He initially convinced himself he was entitled to keep a secret friendship (EA) with OW. He says it went PA towards the end and she was pressuring him to D me....she started LBing him with whining. She wasn't 'fun' anymore.

We are 2 yrs into recovery and we are doing well.
There would be no acceptable excuse another time because I am certain that he's 'got it' now. I believe he understands the importance of bounderies, honesty, and care etc.. He shows me same daily.

I know full well that others may believe that I am less of a person or weak for deciding not to D him the last time. Many believe that they would never forgive another A. Every situation is a little different and until you have to go through it yourself you don't really know how you will respond. Had he not made this complete turn around and if we didn't have a kids together I doubt that I would have agreed to save the marriage and forgive him. Once he was remorseful and repentant who was I to not forgive him? How many times are with to forgive...was asked of Jesus. What was His response. I did know that D was a choice I was free to make.

He has since regained respect and admiration for all the efforts and reassurances that he continually displays. He has turned himself around with very consistent actions.

The jury is still out on your WS, K.

You are doing well by moving forward with your plan B.

Hi Trix.....

Glad to hear of your success story - even tho there was a BIG setback.

Yes, Jesus tells us to forgive. And I do. But, I don't think WH will ever come out of this until he asks for forgiveness himself. This I do not think he can do right now. He first has to see himself as having done something wrong.

The jury is still out.

But truly, I do still love the man he WAS.

Can he ever change back.....or become someone new?

I don't know.

Thanks, K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My H's A was more than 2 years long. Prior to PLAN B, he had not spent lengthy time with her, only borrowed time.

We have been happily recovered for 18 months.

Thanks Mimi....

I'm glad there are some success stories. Although few and far between (regarding LTA's)

K