Hah...I thought I would impress you all with my new found "hip" (do they still say that?) vocabulary.

I am told (by #1S) that a "blog" is like an on-line journal that isn't addressed to anyone in particular, but anyone who wishes can log on and read it.

At least that's what I'm told....

A quick GOOGLE for BLOG:

"A blog is your easy-to-use web site, where you can quickly post thoughts, interact with people, and more."

Georgia

Actually Mimi, I asked my sister who lives in USA to tell me what a blog was when I was reading Coach's thread and he mentioned he had to write his blog before posting. I think she looked it up on the internet! So I sort of understand what it is.

I tried writing my journal on my laptop but then the laptop crashed! so I decided paper and pencil were best and that's what I do. I keep it locked up, but it's more private than a blog and I think that sometimes that's important too. That's why I recommended Georgia do the same.

Even though his thread tells us about his life, he doesn't really get a chance to express his thoughts and feelings and writing a journal would complement his "blog".

I think you get to a point where people don't want to hear about your lonliness, or sadness or despair. It's not nice for anyone, specially family don't like to see you suffer. So you have to vent somewhere...

There's nothing anyone can really say to make me feel better I guess. I have all the facts, all the statistics, all the examples (and very good ones at that) and all I have to do is wait. I knew from the beginning that even though WH is acting like a typical WS he has always been particularly slow at reacting so he would probably take longer than most.

So I shouldn't be surprised that not much is happening yet. On the other hand, I haven't detached enough yet so even I need more time...

Maybe I need more time than others. I am trying to buld a life as though WH will never come back and I must say that I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm losing the fear of being alone, which terrified me at first. I now know I will manage no matter what happens.

But I'm still sad, I still feel it's a bad dream, I don't recognize my husband in the WH.

After al this time I have realized that in my case the OW is a real predator, and it took her YEARS I'm sure to convince WH to cheat on me. She is the opposite of me in everyway. But he made a choice and he will pay for it very dearly I'm sure. I still feel the need to protect him from himself but I feel surer of my boundaries because I could NEVER EVER go through this again.

Hope I'll need your help to recover my marriage, but if I don't I know I will be a success anyway, thanks to MBand all you guys.

Good Morning, cc -

I can related to so much of what you say. There were, and still are at times, the feeling that I will wake up and discover this was all just a bad dream. I call some of those moments "surreal" because it sometimes would almost feel like I was living outside of my own life, looking in and shaking my head in despair as to how things could be so messed up.

In my opinion, as relates to posting here, I think that in my case I've gotten to a point where I don't think there is anything anyone can say to me that hasn't already been said. I know that if I reported a major breakthrouhg with WW, there were be a legion of folks to show up and help with the recovery. But absent that, what is there to say except I'm working, one day at a time, to build a new life after almost 29 years of marriage?

And I relate to your comment about not seeing your H in the WH. It is so unlike my W to now be WW, I have had to remind myself of Mimi's "alien" analogy so many times. She's gone...replaced by this "robot" that I don't think would bleed if she were cut. This CAN'T be my W, can it?

But other times, I remember the way W used to be, and I asked myself how I contributed to where she is now. I even sometimes wrest with wondering if her life would have been better if she hadn't married me, did I derail her from having a wonderful life with someone else?

But....when I parse through all these feelings, I still come back to the fact that she has made choices that are fatal to our M, and when given an opportunity to "undo" those choices, she has elected to stay with them and explore the consequences.

I can't help but notice how often the OP is the "opposite" of the BS. I don't understand that at all. Is it some kind of animal instinct to experiece a "rush" of something different? In my case, does WW REALLY think that OM will treat her better than his own W, who has to work waiting tables while he sits home all day? It perplexes me that I have treat her like a queen (OM's words to her once), yet she prefers the "opposite" of me, just like you say of your WH. (And, as Mimi reports of FOW).

One of those consequences, I am now convinced, is the eventual insanity, severe depression, and loss of all joy in the life of the BS if not removed from the situation. That is why, even with the pain, lonliness, and despair, I believe separation and even divorce is less painful than life with a WS.

There, now you've heard some of my thoughts...

Georgia

Hey Georgia!

I was on a trip for work today, left 6 am and got back to the city at 8 pm, but I had to go to the supermarket so I met 2 dds there, we had dinner and shopped for groceries and came home a while ago. The place I went to today is where WH has spent all his holidays since he was a child, where I have spent them with him for 20 years and where he was taking the OW on weekends (since working together for 14 hrs a day wasn't enough). I thought I would feel bad, but I was too busy for that and so I survived, and actually enjoyed the work although it is by no means pleasant.





I'm glad you wrote more of your feelings. we need to do that.
I started reading SAA again and at the beginning Dr. H talks of how the WS changes his moral beliefs to adapt them to the A. And he also talks of how the BS can't believe that this is happening to him.

In my case I don't feel any guilt anymore. I have thought and thought things over and I can't find any reasons to feel guilty. I know I have my flaws but I don't believe they had anything to do with the affair. In my case OW is a predator and WH fell for it. I know he was going thru a bad time, maybe midlife crisis and depression but that is no excuse. Doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for him, I still do.

In your case, it is very obvious to me that your WW is also having serious problems with herself. Maybe she is also the kind of erson who takes a long time to react.

I agree that being alone is better than being with the WS. The only posibility of my accepting WH back is if he regrets the A, and obviously gets rid of OW.
I remember my first posts here. Everyone just said, it won't last and dismissed my case as though it was the typical affair between a young and single OW and an older MM. Well that has not been the case. I wasn't too optimistic in the beginning and I'm less optimistic now. I'm sure one day he'll regret it, but I'm not sure I'll be around.

Your situation is quite unique, even on MB. Next year it will be interesting to see what the results are, after 1 + years of this. Maybe we'll be happy... we probably will be by then, whatever the results are. We have a lot of help here.
have to go to sleep. Im too tired tonight.

Hi CC:
I'm up late, getting ready to go away for a few days. We're going to new place that we have never visited. I am so excited. I'm sure you'll take care until I return.

have a nice trip Mimi, enjoy.
We'll try to behave but don't leave us for too long, hopefully we may need you.

Good Morning, cc -

I just wanted to drop in and say "hi".

I feel like we've been left unattended without Mimi here to watch over us!!

Georgia

Hi cc46,

I wanted to know a little more about your sitch. I have now read your thread as well as mimi's thread you searched (thank you mimi for giving your permission to cite thread) and also the thread re PLAN B started by ISGIRL.

All have been helpful to me in better understanding what to expect.

It seems to me that one the most helpful thing about PLAN B is just that: it's a plan and gives BS some 'direction' to follow, because an A is so destabilizing, and the NC with WH is definitely for protection (BS is definitely not high in WH priorities).

I can relate to some of your feelings about your WH, and you now have someone else following your journey. Even though I may not have a lot of advice to offer, you can count on my support and encouragement.

Take care.

You are welcome anytime Luna. I think you are beginning to understand the genius of plan B. It is a plan, you can set a time limit for it like I have and it is for me. When I'm very down I remember that not seeing WH is MY CHOICE because it is better for me. I know it is better for me and I also believe that plan B is the best way to protect myself and my WH during the A. Because I have been convinced that A's must end. the reasons are very logical and common sense. And it has been proved by many. I have researched it.

GG, thanks for checking in. I no longer have access to MB at work so I have to wait to get home now, but the first thing I do is look for your update. Sometimes you've already left for the day.

Not having access at work is actually good for me, I read less and maybe at this point that will be good for me.

Only update I have is that WH seems to be in financial trouble, at least that's what he's saying. He didn't send me the check this month, says he has no money. We'll see what happens.

Otherwise I have no other news about the sitch.

I am doing well at work and this week I have had several ego boosts, both with reference to the present job, and the previous ones! So things are getting better. Nothing could be worse than 2004! Horrible year.

I will make it!

cc46, your snitch is similar to mine on many levels - it's interesting. How my WH is reacting is almost similar to yours. He's moved out a month after D-Day in late May. And I haven't seen him since.

Lately, I also sense he wld most prob fall into serious financial trouble.

We are discussing only about our legal sep deed. After that is done and signed, I'll prob go dark.

Stay strong, cc46!

~A

Thanks Ashley, for your encouragement.

I am getting stronger, because I was really lost in the beginning. I'm not very optimistic about WH coming back anytime soon although I don't believe the A will make him happy either. Unfortunately, since WH is a CA and very stubborn, I doubt he will follow the WS script! I must admit he hasn't exactly followed it uptil now: he admitted the A but said it wasn't the problem, nor was I, he had nothing to criticize about me. Said it was all HIS problem.

He also refused to speak about the situation and moved out promptly when I asked him. He had to go to a hotel for a few days and I'm nearly sure the OW didn't move in with him immediately.

He has "respected" my plan B letter!

Tonight I had a chat with my dds because they are pissed with him but since they meet for dinner or lunch at public places hey haven't really talked to him aout the situation. So I advised the youngest to write to him, because I feel they are getting more and more frustrated in their relationship with him.

I know he loves them very much, but he has been unable to communicate with them... so hopefully this will help.

I hope the financial problems aren't really serious. So far we have been doing well.

I'm sorry you are in this situation too. Unfortunately there is not much advice I can give except that after 9 months here I am convinced that MB is the way to go and the great people here really help.

keep posting and don't lose hope. You will be better off after this if ou follow the philosophy. I'm already applying the things I have learned here to other aspects of my life. And it really works!

Yep.. my WH is a CA as well. Said that it was his problem also! But it was in a "it's not you, it's me" kinda way, which was actually "it's you", get what I mean? Although he was also aware he was actually blaming me without being direct.

He was the one who insisted on separation, and after he made up his mind about that, he shut down completely and spoke to me civilly about financial matters. However, I could see in his eyes and expression that he is not happy at all. If the A and OW made him so happy, he shld be jumping for joy. He's NOT ready to face up to reality.. that's for sure.

He said he was supposed to move out by this past Fri. So far no news from him. Like you, I dumped all his clothes and belongings into a closet. He had removed a few pcs but not all. Perhaps he'd do that this week *Shrug*

Now, he's chasing me for the sep deed to be finalised as he thinks by signing it, he can really move on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I doubt so. Not without facing up to his inner demons.

Thanks for yr kind words.
I hope your dd's will be able to get thru to him in their own way.

I dunno about hope.. I dunno even what I shld hope for!! I waver from having it and losing it many times a day!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

~A

Hope for happiness! hope that you finally convince yourself that happiness depends on YOU and no one else.

Funny enough, I act happy normally because many years ago I read "To love is to be happy with", a book which explains that your happiness is only YOUR business. And it is true. This Tsunami experience my WH's A has produced has stopped me from being happy ALL the time, but when I can get it out of my mind for a few minutes I am happy.

I profoundly enjoy my job and am happy when I'm working on something interesting and I can and do enjoy a beautiful sunny day, a walk on the beach, appreciation of my work...

I just try to be true to myself. I will work on reltionships WITH others but not FOR others as it has been before. And what WH does or does not do should not influence that. That's what I'm working on. Someday I hope to not be affected by him but I know I'm not there yet, hence the importance of plan B for me. Every mention of him, or sighting (of which there have been few Thank God) I fill up with a terrible sense of sadnes and anxiety and anguish. But I'm getting better, the convo with dds yesterday proved that to me.

Hi cc46 - yes, I do know that we are responsible for our own happiness. I even told WH that I will try to live as happy as possible.

I'm not so much in anguish, but I am sad sometimes.. and sometimes angry. However, the longer he is absent, the more comfortable one gets.. and I fear I'm becoming a danger to any reconciliation/ rebuilding. It's just so much easier to let go sometimes, incl hope that the marriage can one day be rebuilt.

Today, I have to email him re: some details abt the sep deed and $$ matters. I dread doing it as it means some form of contact is being continued. (Don't have a reliable intermediary here.) It does hurt that he's chasing me to get the sep deed finalised and signed. It's like cutting off an arm to try to cure a heart attack. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I can't wait to start work on 1 Aug.. then I can occupy my mind on other challenging matters.

~A

Working has really been important for me.

I was in a boring job, actually I was just working at being present at the job, but 3 months into plan B I was offered to change to a very demanding and important job, with some risks attached as job go. During my work hours I used to try to read MB when I had a few minutes. Now my access has been denied. And that has been good.

Work will be very good for you, I'm sure.

The sep deed isn't divorce, I suppose. So what does he expect afterwards?

CC:

I am curious as to how long you have plans to stay in Plan B before proceeding. I apologize if you have answered this already in this thread. I admit to not being thoroughly knowledeable about your situation.

Sour....

I have decided to stay 1 year in plan B. Dr. Harley recommended I stay 2 years but I don't think I can stand it that long. But he was also not at all optimistic about recovery.
Both Dr. Harley and Penny in SYMC say that 1 year is the minimum you should give plan B. Others also talk of 1 to 2 years before divorcing to feel you have done everything possible to save your marriage.

But still, 1 year is the commitment I have made to myself and my family when they have asked how long I will go on without talking to WH.

I know I'm not special or unique but like many others who come here, I can't see where I could have done something to avoid the A. Actually, for many years I felt I was in danger of having an affair because MY ENs were not met and WH refused to care about that. But for several years now I had already made the commitment to myself (as usual) that I would try my best to make the marriage work as unsatisfying and difficult it was for me. By this I mean that WH never made any effort at all to be a part of the family. He loved the IDEA of a family, and he loved being considered the HEAD of the family, but there were NO ACTIONS on his part. He never helped around the house, or with the kids, or with family, etc. The 19 years of our marriage have been spent making his career the way he wanted it. And he has done well. He could have done better but he never accepted my advice or help.

He loved my having a career but I had to study and work while managing the house and the family etc.
Not easy. Unbelievable, but with a lot of luck, I have made it. Just 3 months ago I got the top job for a person with my specialty in my country! Still can't believe it myself and I'm on my best behavior as you can imagine.

On the other hand, WH did encourage me to study and work (although he never offered to help out with house and family to make it easier) and gave me a lot of freedom and financial support. I guess this was very important for me because my family has never shown much support in that area. You see I am a "girl" (I have 5 brothers and 1 sister) and I should have married and been a SAHM specially considering I had 3 kids in 18 months. Or taken a part time job with no strings. But I didn't. I'm the only one of the 7 who chose a university career and to make things even worse I chose to work in the University. So I have been studying for my whole life and always have things to study on weekends!

My mother and my siblings don't understand that. My father died when I was 12. He would have been proud.
Just the other day I gave my mother a business card so that she would be able to say what my new position is correctly.

The possibility of divorce doesn't frighten me any more. I have come to realize that I don't care that much about material things and am actually low maintenance (don't tell Mimi this), so I don't need much to survive. In that sense, plan B is more difficult than divorce would be because I have to live in the house and the conditions we had while married because WH is paying all the bills, but I have no independance because it s far above what I would be able to do on my own. If we divorce I will be able to make my life what I need and want NOW, for myself and my dds.

I don't want to sound presumptious, but I don't feel at all guilty for anything in the marriage. By this I mean that I couldn't find much to do in plan A. Except for being a CA which I am working on. But WH is an even worse CA. He actually said he could not talk to me while admitting that I am his best friend!

Once I realized I couldn't change him, there doesn't seem to be much point in doing more than a year of plan B. The ball is in his court now.

The work that I might take up in August will not be terribly challenging. Right now, with all the stress and financial mess I have to disentagle, I need something more steady/ less stressful. It will not be a long-term gig tho.. because as a personality, I generally thrive on challenges.


No .. it isn't. Over here sep lasts 3 yrs, and then after which, if not contested, the divorce goes thru. The other party (WH in this case) needn't even have to be in court on that day.

I do not know what he expects afterwards!!! I know before he started avoiding me at all costs, he thought we cld be friends! Hell no!!

I do know that after the deed is signed and over, I am plan B-ing all the way. Already right now, communication with him is getting to be an irritating factor. (As you can see in my most recent update in my thread.)

~A

Are you planning on Plan B for 3 years? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Very little choice... Basically we live our separate lives once the deed is signed and there's no further necessity for contact other than anything concerning the sale of the home we are staying now. Due to some local regulation, it doesn't do us good to divorce straightaway and sell the house now. Property market's down and we lose alot of money. More than I can earn in 3 yrs!

We have no kids.. so no need to contact or see each other. I'm not in a hurry to date/ re-marry, etc.. let's see if OW can wait for 3 yrs!

~A