Well, I want to personally extend a warm invitation to Suzy's H to come and discuss. Not neccesarily in this thread, but in general. Along with that invite comes a promise to provide a safe, non-judgemental environment to express yourself. If the boards are intimidating, please feel free to email me at **edit**.

Suzy, if you ever want to hear his side of the story, you have to be sure that you are ready to really listen to it. With all due respect to you, the tone in your last post indicates that you are not making it 'safe' for him to talk to you.

dewt

ps... PP stands for Protection Phase. The SYMC equivalent of Plan B. The PP board is a private board over on that site. You need special password to even see the board. They have a private boards for waywards and if your H is not comfortable posting on MB (I really can't blame him) he may want to check that out. SYMC is very very picky about moderating the forums. I was recently edited by a mod over there for speaking disrespectfully about myself!!! Imagine that.

Sorry Mom, but I gotta call you on this one. This is a totally disrespectful judgement and the end result is that Suzy's H (I sure wish I had a name) will be affronted and either come back here and post in anger or not come back here at all. I totally feel for Suzy, don't get me wrong, but I'd bet my last dollar that her H is in a world of confusion and pain. I think its be nice to help him if we can... not make him suffer more.

dewt

Hey Dewt! I was just over catching up on your thread. Thanks for coming back. No, I am not making it safe for him to talk to me. I am just so mad at him right now. Today he unplugged the phone line (DSL)because I was on marriagebuilders too much today. He used to agree with the concepts here but now he is just plain mad about it.
He thinks I spend way too much time here. I agree but my IC was a joke and I don't want to go back to the MC without him.

And yes, Dewt, I have been wanting to hear his side of the story ever since I met him 15 years ago, lol.

Well Dewt since my real name isn't Suzy, let's just call my WH Sam. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (Hope he likes that name!!)

I don't count on him to come here as I think our M will be over before he gets around to it again. Gosh, can you tell that I'm bitter today? He was just such an a$$ today and I am just so ticked off at him right now. This the first time I've felt this way about him since before I found out about the A!! I don't like this feeling one bit. Unfortunately, it is how I felt about him all the time before Dday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm having log-out problems like crazy... so this is gonna be pretty short...

I want to toss one quick idea at you. Obviously things are crazy right now. I can relate. What I did, which seemed to have worked surprisingly well, was call a sort of truce. This is the basic gist of it.

Say, for 5 days, neither of you makes any decisions. And both of you promise NOT to do ANYTHING to make the situation worse. In 5 days, you have a meeting and decide what your next steps will be.

What do you think? What do you think Sam would think?

BTW, 'Dewt' is not my real name either.

Do you have Mozilla Dewt? It's been great to have with this new board. I can't use internet explorer at all with the new board. Logs me out everytime I click my mouse.

I certainly like your idea. I will suggest it to my WH. We are currently playing a "game" called BH (Brutal Honesty) to air some things. At first I thought, oh no, but it actually has been kind of fun.
We can only email or text each other for this game. We make a statement and the other person can ask only once to elaborate.
Then we reply to the statement. Sometimes at a later date we discuss a previous statement. We give just as many compliments as we do LB's. The worst he ever said about me was that the kids get their messiness from me.
The nicest thing he was that I look nice in my jeans and he likes how I've been wearing my hair lately.

There are only a few simple rules. May be against MB for the LB's but it works for us.

(p.s. I am still mad as hell at him today though!!)

I'm still over at SYMC reading up on your threads. I just registered over there too. Just checking in here every once in awhile. Thanks for posting!!

Good game. Sounds like you're working your boundries. Woohoo!

Suzy, I had a long post to you last night, but I see now this morning it is gone??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I am wondering if it was deleted for some odd reason by the MODS...I didnt' put anything deflamatory in it!

Anyway, to answer your questions AGAIN about PP....you know what...never mind....maybe that is why my post got deleted...if you want to, you can email me and i will explain it to you!

Hi Suzy


I read thru your thread, haven't been posting much - a lot going on in life, and I can also understand exactly how you feel - I went thru a perfect plan A, and started a fairly decent plan B, but then found out my WW was involved with at least two other men after she moved out, plus a possible two or three affairs during our time together - I felt like such an idiot for giving out advice - but I realized something - the advice is still good, even if it doesn't seem to apply to your situation - it still can help others. I am so sorry this has happpened to you - you know how much I care about your marriage. I'm in the middle of waiting for my D to become final right now, and it's not easy - I still care for my WW and hate what she's doing to herself and the family - but I can't change her. I saw her the other day, and she looked awful, but still was blaming me for everything - wouldn't consider any alternatives. She is now pushing for the divorce more than I am (I was still unwilling to go thru with it even as I filed the thing) - now she just wants to negotiate on the 'finer things' like, she gets all the stuff out of the house (finally had to change the locks so that I could actually have things in my house) - while I take over the financial end of the deal and pay off all the debts. Its a long hard process...

I tried to get her interested in the MB site and books, etc., for a long time, but she has always refused to even consider the material - says it's 'just me trying to trap her into staying married'. She will just never get it - until one day far down the road - when it's too late.

So hon, don't feel like you are a failure - you were (and are) able to give good advice - you have helped others. It's your husband than needs to change. You've done the right thing. My thoughts are with you!

David

Momto3boys, is this the missing post?

I swear it was gone too but now I found it. Maybe they change the order of these things once in awhile??? LOL

That's not the one I was talking about...I actually wrote another one out after THAT one that went into detail about Protection Phase (Plan B)...Oh well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi Suzy,

So sorry to hear your latest news. I have followed your story, though rarely posted (formerly under Freefromlies). Though I recall finding it very disturbing that he would not share his cell info. etc. and I sort of kept my suspicions to myself because it is hard to follow your gut over email and somehow telling you I thought he was still cheating seemed too intrusive--especially if I was wrong.

This time, I may be way off base, but I am not going to keep my thoughts to myself...though first I have some questions...

How did you find out that he was still in the A?

How did you find out that they were still sleeping together?

Also, as to the "make me leave" attitude--is he saying this in a pleading manner (please if you have me go, you wont see how much I have changed, etc.) or is it in a "bullying" manner (tough, try and make me leave)?

Why should we support you as a WH, again?

Wow! There's so many of you wonderful people following my thread and I thank you all so much for your thoughts. I don't mean to lump all my replies into one but I'd make this thread 20 pages long if I replied individually!! So, here it goes:

Chris -CA123, Cymanca , faithinme, TooInvolved,
you all replied to the question about how to get him to leave. You all kind of wondered why I couldn't kick him out with no place to go. Well, the answer to that is I DON'T KNOW!! I would feel so terrible wondering where he is - probably sleeping out in the cold in the truck. Not the right answer, I know. I shouldn't even care after what he's done to me.

Weaver, I have to convince myself that the no contact part about plan B will really work. I know that for plan B, you should be ready for the fact that it will either bring the WS back or give you a chance to heal and get on with life without the WS.

Dewt, I already replied to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
TNT_RN, I replied to you too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
down but trying, I replied on email <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
StillHereMakingIt,

I was hoping to keep the courts and police out of it...sigh...But who knows, it may come to that if he won't leave. Right now that is what I need, whether it is plan B or him just getting the heck out of here for awhile.

When someone says "where do you see yourself in 5 years", I have to say this is the first time in my life that my answer would be I don't have a clue!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hey Suzy,

Did you send a new email? I didn't get it if you did.

Edit:
Read your post on Shelly3's thread. I was wondering where you'd been for a few days.

Remember that trust takes actions on his part, but more than that, it takes him establishing a pattern of trustworthy actions. Therefore it takes time and is hindered by any concealment or further dishonesty.

Glad you're sticking to your boundries! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Soooooooo.....

How're things going?

J

yup, how's about an update?

Hey there guys, thanks for checking up on me.
I've been meaning to update for a couple days.

Nothing major has happened either way in our relationship except that I have cooled off a little, finally. He's pretty much kept his distance this week but he was still nice to me. Tries to hug me once in awhile but I'm not a real enthusiastic recipient!

I've told him that I want to talk about things. He's obviously trying to hold off on that talk for I'm guessing about another week. He started a new job last week (career change) as I mentioned in an earlier post. He also interviewed for yet another job, which he really hopes to get. The pay is much better. He kept telling me that he can't go anywhere or make any plans until he has a job.
He does have a point I guess, as what is kicking him out going to do except make me feel better for having that power over him. And that will make me feel like superwoman for maybe an hour?
He feels we will be better able to make some decisions once he knows how much money he will be making.

The townhouses are on hold for now but they are a dime a dozen. There will always be another one for sale in the same area in a few months anyway.
For those of you that have encouraged me to slow down and not do this on pure emotion I want to say [color:"blue"] THANKS!!!! [/color]

I'm almost certain he has not been lurking here again and that he didn't see any of the posts "To Suzy's Lurking Husband." I don't have the spyware on here anymore so I can't be 100% sure.
I do hope he will read the posts one day and get on MB himself. He really could use the support and it is sure great of you to invite him here.
I know that I learn a lot from reading posts from the FWS's.

David, nice to see you stopped by to my thread. I hadn't seen you around for the past couple weeks and was hoping things were okay for you!!

Oh my gosh I am so sorry about this!! I knew you'd had some suspicions. One really does have to wonder just how many others the WS has been with - and who knows what really is the truth???
And, your advice has always been great advice. I said the same thing about feeling like an idiot for giving people advice and here I was being walked on and lied to the whole time. Hey, all of us WS's and FWS's have been fooled though, right? And we all need each other here on MB to get through these awful times.

I said the same thing about feeling like an idiot for giving people advice and here I was being walked on and lied to the whole time.

I felt like an idiot too. I left myself WIDE open for this. Never even suspected...

But y'know what? As much as it hurts, I'd rather be going through this than to have never opened my heart to it in the first place. I'm glad I made that original decision to trust - even though it left me defenseless and open. I will do it again, too. Shamelessly and without hesitation. Even though I have no guarantees.

I would rather BE that way and take the risk of the pain than to shut myself off and guarantee myself a life of loneliness.

I'll just be a little more careful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Glad you are ok. And I'll take the opportunity again to invite your H to email me if he's not comfortable posting. Tell him I ain't gonna shove nothing down his throat, I'm just offering him a set of ears (er, eyes) to vent and bounce ideas off... sometimes that helps a man get some much needed perspective/clarity.

ttfn,

John