Hello all....returned from 8 day vacattion with WH and DD.
It was OK....same old on again off again between a nice WH and a cold, empty WH. Not reading much into it. It has been 1 1/2 m since WH said he felt a D was our only option. It hasn't been discussed since and as far as I know he hasn't done anything about filing. I am starting to get the urge to find out where he is in this whole process, because I am not sure it will ever change. I know it is a NoNo to talk R. We are somewhere between Plan A and Plan B. I am nice to him when we see each other, but we don't really plan anything outside of incidental contact because of the DD's. But once again there are really no boundaries set. I am really afraid because once I bring those types of things up he jumps right to the D card. He is using it as a way to shut me up. He wants me to trust him yet will not answer any questions about NC, he says I go looking for things and when I find questionable things I allow my head to go crazy until I bring it up and get him angry for questioning him.

So....the big question is...when you have a WH who won't engage in saving the marriage...is it worth trying? If I can't talk about the R...how will anything ever change.

A friend shared this with me...and I think it applies to MBers. Namista

" I sought my God but
my God I could not see.
I sought my soul but
my soul eluded me
I sought my friend
and I found all three"

Are you sure you understand Plan A? Because there is no in between. Have you figured out what needs were not met pre-A? And what are you doing now to met those needs? Are you working on yourself?



If he wanted to try to save the M he wouldn't be a WH, he'd be a FWH. He is following the script. None of them want to work on saving the M. The problem is you are expecting too much from him. In Plan A you expect NOTHING from your WS. Remember I went through this for over 6 months! And now we are building a better stronger M then I ever thought possible. If I gave up at the 1 1/2 month mark I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

So where do you go from here? First, get a good understanding of Plan A and start to implement it. Second, expect NOTHING from WH. Abd third, learn to detach from him and start to building your own life that may or may not include him.

justcall me..

You can not miss the need to set boundaries in Plan A based on any reaction from the WS.

So what if he brings up divorce.
Words are cheap

Your fears can not guide you in this

plan A...with a planned time for plan B...

steady goes the course

God Bless,

Just Learning

Sorry having problems with new forum....
Anyhow Kloe.. I am not sure if he is WH or FWH, because anytime I bring it up he checks out. He wants me to blindly trust him that he will tell me if there is an OP.

I understand that Plan A is supposed to be all about the WS, meeting their needs, not making demands, making them see how good things can be. Then if that doesn't work you are supposed to do a 180 with plan B and make it all about you!!! If plan A doesn't work how the heck is Plan B going to make them want to work on the R. I am getting to the point where I just don't care anymore...I just sometimes have these momentary lapses of weakness when I want to drop to my knees and say "Why, why, why...I love you ...please come home" Then as long as I don't do anything to blow it, I recover and get through another day, stronger and wiser.

I think you can plan A and plan B...that is what marriage should be about. 100% about your spouses needs and 100% about your needs. And if you can't do both...then is it really a marriage at all?

That's the general idea around Plan A and B, but not how it is executed. It is about totally immerssing yourself in need fulfillment of your partner, and cutting out all LB's. It's about exposing the A, and setting boundaries about the A.

Plan A takes quite a bit of work and many folks can't keep it up long. It is a way to give and give and give to a partner to show them what a giving M is like.

Then Plan B comes which is almost the complete opposite of Plan A, where you have NO CONTACT with the WS and therefore not fulfilling ANY needs. It is used to protect what love you have.

You cannot do either one halfway without either being unsucessful.

What do you know about the A? It is too easy for the WS to throw you off course and deny, deny, deny...

I sympathize with you. I've felt for sometime that my M is somewhere between Plan A and Plan B. At least your WH or FWH went on the trip with you. My WH can't even be bothered to call our kids let alone go on our vacation with us.

Bring out the 2x4's. Plan A is about making yourself better and catering to your WS's needs. Plan B is having no contact with WS. In between is the transition zone where one decides they need to protect themselves. That's a process in itself. I think it's key to decide just how long you are going to stay in Plan A. My Plan A is ending because I am a pretty good person and I have next to no idea about WH's needs. He doesn't want to talk about it and I'm tired of guessing. He is not listening either. His head is so far up his patootie that it needs to be surgically removed. I'm moving into Plan B because what love I have for WH is getting very thin and I need to protect my feelings. I also believe that time helps. I've done 4-5 months of Plan A. I need more time, can't handle anymore Plan A but would find no contact very difficult. Plan B is very hard when you have kids and commitments, especially when WH won't talk about finances either. Plan A.5 is giving me a little space. IMVHO, I think it's better than having a failed Plan B.

I have stopped asking WH any questions for going on 3 weeks. I feel he will come to me in time. I think he is begining to feel safe and I feel better about how I can handle all of this. I will not scream, cry or walk out. I will handle this as well as I can. Maybe you should try not to ask any more questions for a while and see how he handles this. My WH became defensive when asked questions and did not have any answers of why -other than to say I was not myself at that time. I do not know why I did what I did. I love you and always have. So maybe he was so far gone with the aliens that he just does not know or understand. I have been getting lots of LB deposits and he calls me a couple times a day. Tells me he loves me, that when we do not get the chance to talk during the day that he missed me. Maybe some day soon we can talk about all of this in a comfortable way. Without the raw emotions. I do love him -sometimes more than others. I still need time to trust again. I had to learn to talk about my emotions in a good way. I just tell him now that sometimes I have triggers. He now holds me and says nice things. I know I need lots of reassurance form him that our M is top priority with him now. The verbal abuse stopped as of D-Day and has not happened again since. I guess it came from all the stress he put on himself for his deceit and lies. I only hope he has learned something from all of this. I know I have. I don't know what I would have done withour MB - I know I would not me here in my M. MB has helped so much - I am a better person now and much stronger than 4 months ago.