Again, dleigh, it's your choice. You can let your fear run you or you can taste happiness again.

If she's worth her salt, she won't push herself on you. You're going to have to want it.

You make it sound as if pain and fear are enough to stop you dead in your tracks from making moves to rebuild your life.

Is that what you are choosing?

Counselor1, I'd love to hear your story and what brought you to MB. You write some surprisingly familiar things, and I'm looking forward to finding out where they come from. Perhaps in a separate thread, so as not to completely derail Dleightonc's thread.

D -- I know where you are. I'm thinking I might be standing alongside you, some days. Not stuck, but surprised and unnerved when someone is actually nice to me or reacts in a loving way. After betrayal, it's completely natural to be suspicious of the external package. At the same time, that doesn't necessarily mean you flee in utter panic. (Err, well, okay, it -can-, but it might not be the best response.) Spend some time really looking at the things that are in front of you. You've learned a great deal in the last couple of years, and it's been hard-awful-nasty-horrific-yucky stuff that made you learn.

If you're like me, you really have no clue how to apply that new knowledge to new situations. You don't know how love and trust and affection fit into your changed world. Honestly? Neither do I. I spend a lot of time thinking about it these days. Take the time to do it, but don't wallow in it.

And it's worth remembering, too: In the context of dating, it's worth trying out a new way of existing and seeing if it works for you. This is not a life-long commitment yet. It's only someone you happen to enjoy spending time with. If you can exist in that new relationship in a way that you've learned is healthier (POJA on a first date, anyone?), then that's a great learning experience for you that doesn't have to be quite as awful as learning it when your years into a marriage that's got problems.

All of which is to say: Don't panic! You'll make it through. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

dlc:

I think you just need 2 give yourself more time, in accord with how long you were M'd.

Threadjack:

Counselor1:

Where are you and what kind of counseling do you do? You can email me at **edit**

End of threadjack.

-ol' 2long

I heard that would be about a month for every year of the R. That qould be over 20 mos. That's beginning to sound plausable, if not desirable

I'll be glad to share my story at another time.

D -- Just make sure that if you are deciding to not be romantically involved at this time, that you cut ties with people involved. Your new lady deserves a clean slate or unwavering commitment in the face of healing.

Gotcha! B/c of her own experience, she's willing to be supportive from a distance. She got into a relationship immediately after her own D-day and it lasted 3 'hard years'. She understands my desire not to use anyone to wipe my emotional palate clean.

How do I know when my attractions aren't just distractions?

I'm not sure there's a canned answer for that one. You'd have to search within yourself and ask yourself if you can see this human being for who she is, and not a reminder of what xW was or wasn't.

She sounds like a God send. Treat such souls gently. They come into your life with definite purpose.

What do you mean supportive from a distance? Are you two not dating now?

Not really. We met through a mutual interest and found out that our circles have crossed (mutual acquaintances common business interests--we even been unknowingly going to the same church!)

B/C of schedule and the 30 mile difference bxn our locales, we talk more than we see each other. I'm definitely drawn to her; she's head over heels. That's the rub. I feel like I should be able to feel just as strongly, but can't/don't b/c of the aforementioned reasons.

She's head over heels? Has she said this to you? Or you just pick it up from her actions?

Well, it sounds like you know where you stand. Does she?

Yep, she's told me that. She knows where I stand, but wants to have some role in my life. She said she can be my 'unconditional friend' if that's what I need right now. We have so much in common we both think it would be a shame if we didn't relate b/c we weren't in an romantically intimate relationship. I can do that but like she said...she's head ovr heels...

I would revisit that.

If you haven't been seeing each other recently, perhaps things have changed for her. Maybe she's dating others, and can give you the emotional space to let you be, and just focus on your friendship.

Actually I'm the one who has created the space. Her response:

I'll admit, it is painful to stay away from you. I always think things like these are easier to handle with someone who is fully supporting you directly, and I'd love to be that for you. I also know you are a grown man fully capable of making responsible, wise decisions. So I will honor whatever requests you make of me. As I've said before, I'm here whenever you need me. I'm not going
anywhere.


As you can see, this is not a person who one should take lightly. Honestly, this all has me so very confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm... sounds like a person who cares about you.

In any case, if you haven't had contact with her in a while, and you weren't clear about the exclusivity of your relationship with her, I'd check your assumptions, especially if she knows where you are emotionally and still healing.

Otherwise, I'd say you just made yourself a great friend.

Hi DL -- My experience was similar to yours. I don't feel as though I have the emotional reserves to be all the way "there" yet. It sucks when you know you once could (and will again), but if it's where you are, well... I decided not to try to fake it. She would have known even if you didn't talk about it. The energy will do that.

It's not fair though, that you should be the on the outside looking in while these others seem to walk away w/o consequences. 'Seem' is the operative word here. The law of Karma is at work seen or not, now or later. Get healed...

Mmm. Get healed.

An interesting analogy comes to mind. There is, somewhere (I think Pepperband posted it) a letter written by a young girl to her father who was having an affair. She likened it to a horrible car crash -- her father and his affair partner in one car, and in the other, her mom and her siblings and her.

She was writing to him to try to express the anguish of seeing the broken bodies and the destruction around her -- the horror of seeing the death of her parents' marriage and her own world and family shattered.

Horrible car crashes often leave people badly injured. So, too, do horrible divorces and infidelity. "They" say that it can take a marriage two years to recover from infidelity, and that assumes that all contact ends and the spouses really focus on doing what they need to do.

So, for those of us who have lived through the months- and years-long process of death of our marriages, who walked alongside that death march and prayed for recovery even when the experts shook their heads and walked away? Well, I know that I found some incredibly powerful healing in those dark places of the soul. Strength I never knew I had, light that I never knew was there. But am I all the way healed? No. I can walk again, but there is still a limp, and the phantom pain of the marriage still flairs up on days when the emotional weather changes.

So to say, simply, "Get healed..." is perhaps a bit disengenuous. Perhaps it would be better to say, "Don't forget to go to your 'physical therapy for the soul' sessions. How's the mental strength training going?" Therein lies healing -- the focus on growing, on strength, on flexibility, on the powerful human urge to BE ALIVE.

And to be on the outside looking in? I'm not sure that's how it feels to me, though Dleightonc may feel differently. To me, it is not wanting to over-reach myself in those first shaky steps without the canes. I've learned to walk again. I've also learned just how much it can hurt to fall on legs that don't work quite right, so I move cautiously, with careful precision of movement and a slightly stiff grace that comes of three years of trauma and healing. Will I run a marathon again? Yes, god willing and the creek don't rise. But I may not set the record for the fastest.

J:

Your analogy is the best and most empathetic I've heard so far. "Just" is a tricky word. "Just" get over it. "Just" move on. "Just" make better choices. The right kind of work must accompany the movements and choices we make and doing so while still at or near the scene of the crash is a challenge.

My little ones ask about when mommy is coming home every day. Every Day. Our moms are still in shock. Our friends still incensed. Fires still burn at this scene and to "just" get away from it all is to separate my children from their family or me from them. Healing on the run is not optimal or even fair but it's what must be done. Thanks for understanding...

Healing on the run is not "what must be done" but it might be what you choose, given that life is still rolling and you still have things to handle and take care of.

I applaud your courage and, quite frankly, am quite impressed that you've been able to rally people and support around you, even when you may not want it or welcome it (like in the case of your new love). The Universe is accommodating you, my friend.

Be blessed.

I've good friends. Right now though I feel the pull of depression. Besides the R issues, I've a career to rebuild. I find that I simply don't feel motivated. The job transfer sitch is unacceptable to me but my immediate financial stability is at stake. Taking a new position that I find untenable is as bad as entering a relationship you know won't work.

Every time I feel I'm moving forward, I feel the slide back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />