Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
I think it was aussieswife who mentioned BH questioning her fidelity all the way back to the beginning of their R.

It came to mind that when I told my H about my adultery and that my P was probably an OC, one of the first things he asked was if our 2nd child was his. (He probably would've asked about 1st child too, except the resemblence to him is overwhelming.) I was mortified because 2nd child was 15 yo at the time. I was shocked he thought I'd been cheating for years, instead of 7 months.

I was committed to earning his respect and trust, knowing full well he may never trust or respect me again. I didn't dream I'd have to commit to earning back his trust and respect for the past.

I prepared myself that from that day forward he might always wonder about my fidelity. What I wasn't prepared for was him questioning my fidelity for the 15+ years preceeding the A.

Two years past D-Day and I'm not so naive and self centered as I was back then. What was I thinking? I just told this man I'm a liar and a cheat, and I was shocked he questioned how far back this all went? I was shocked when he didn't automatically believe this liar's word?

I knew my news blew him out of the water~~so much so he had no reason to trust anything about me. If I could do it now, why not then, why not always? He wondered if he ever knew me at all. I had just handed him the reason to question everything about me.

I understand now~~of course I should've realized he would question everything, not only in the future but in the past as well. My adultery made everthing that seemed so certain, not so certain.

I'm pretty sure most if not all BS question their WS fidelity as far back to the beginning of the R, but thought I'd ask anyway. Do you question the past? Do you ever get to the point you believe beyond the shadow of a doubt your WS was faithful until the A?

Thanks,
~ad

Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 164
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 164
The answer is No. Even before my WH and I were married, he cheated all the time.I never knew nor did I doubt it. Now, that he did it again, now that we are married. I look back and question "Did he do it before?" when we were having a rough time. Is he still,now? those run through my head constantly but for the better of our marriage I need to put it behind us and move on. There will always be doubt and the little things he says, I dont believe him and I try to not second question his answers. But, it's hard and he has to understand that it's going to be a difficult road ahead of us. Be patient it takes time.

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 59
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 59
Not exactly sure on what your question is, so I'm gonna do my best to answer what I think it is.

Prior to the affair, I never doubted my wife's fidelity in any way. She had bad boundaries, and couldn't understand why the way she acted was risky, but I knew that she would never do anything to risk our marriage and family. There was a time when she actually did spend time with someone while I was deployed...but I truly believe that it didn't go anywhere. I believe it because it never occurred to her that it COULD have, and she was mortified when she realized it.

When I learned of her affair (her's was an EA only), I doubted the truth of our entire relationship. She got angry as hell when we were preparing for our in house seperation, and I went to throw out all of the cards she'd given me over the years (I'm a sentimental guy, and I'd saved them)...I told her that they were meaningless to me, since our entire marriage was a lie anyway.

Now, 11 months (almost) post affair...I do believe that she's been faithful to me throughout our marriage, but looking back now, I do have that teensy little wiggle of doubt about the incident I referred to earlier. My mind says that nothing happened, my gut makes me wonder. But not enough to dwell on it or raise it as an issue.

Does this answer your question?

Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
Karegh~

Yes it does. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear. That's exactly what I was getting at~~upon knowing of the A, did you question her faithfulness all the way back to the beginning of your relationship.

My H prior to D-day never questioned my fidelity, nearly thought I was incapable of it. Once he knew I committed adultery thereby making me also a liar~~everything was suspect, including all my years of faithfulness prior to the A.

My H now believes my A was the only time I was unfaithful, but like you there will always be a 'little wiggle of doubt' for him. It's another part of the fallout of betrayal.

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Yes I wonder if there has been a previous affair. I find myself scouring the past for bizarre behaviour from her.

Incidentally if there WAS more affairs and she told me, I don't think that would be a dealbreaker. If I found out however, that would be a dealbreaker.


MB Alumni
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
Yes, I questioned his fidelity prior to his A.
I immedately asked if there were any other A`s.
He said, "no, this was the first and last!"
I did not believe him at first.
Like Bob, I scoured my memories to see if there was any evidence of previous A`s.
I do believe him now that this was his only A.
Same as with Bob, if he TOLD me of previous affairs, I could probably handle it but if I DISCOVER them, that means he is still lying to me and that is a dealbreaker.

Along these lines of questioning our spouse's fidelity, what is bizzare in our M is he finally told me that he never trusted me! I never knew this. He believed I had had an affair several years ago. Or at least some ONS'. He never spoke of his suspicions. This floored me! I believe this actually hurt me as much as his A. I thought I was a faithful, honest, loving wife in his eyes! OK, our M got real crappy and we both were not so happy but I am so hurt that he felt I was untrustworthy from the beginning!

Yet, I trusted him blindly. I never thought in a million years he'd ever stray. I figured if he became that unhappy, he'd leave me first. And ask anyone else that knows him well - they'd have said the same thing. Very upright, conservative, moral guy.

Guess it goes to show ya, we never REALLY know the other person do we?
Will we ever?


Me (RBW) 6w5 DFW (RWH) 3w2 Established 1/93 Rebuilding since 9/03
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
Quote
Yet, I trusted him blindly. I never thought in a million years he'd ever stray. I figured if he became that unhappy, he'd leave me first. And ask anyone else that knows him well - they'd have said the same thing. Very upright, conservative, moral guy.


Same things my H thought about me.

Same things I've always thought about my H.

Now we both know everyone is capable .

Funny thing is my own adultery has made me very jaded. I wonder how many of our acquaintences, colleagues, friends and even family have committed or have been affected by adultery. I even wonder this stuff about all the people around me in a room full of strangers. I never used to think this way. The topic was barely on my radar screen before I had an A.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 55 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82, Dezzeiemm, love spells
71,725 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,726
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5