Hi, Pebbles.

By all means, invite him bowling.

When you call to invite him, don't bring up the settlement agreement. When he brings it up, just tell him: "Husband, it is a real shame that this is having to go to court. I thought we had it worked out. Is 8:00 okay for tonight? We will meet you at the lanes."

He was mad. He expects you to panic and respond in anger. Don't let him control you like that. Do just the opposite.

I will tell you this, if he persists, the courts really tend to look hard at abandonment.

Let him get a taste of reality. The first time his lawyer has a look at what he has done, your hubby is going to be pretty embarrassed.

I think you should now up the ante. No contact between your children and the other woman as long as you are not divorced. He pays all expenses and insurance.

All the best,
Gimble

Pebbles, it sounds like he wrote this all out in anger. It doesn't mean that he will get any of it. Please sit down and talk to your lawyer about all this. He can't just "stop" financial support when the spirit moves him. He is trying to scare you.

In the meantime, please move forward with your Plan A and ask him to go bowling with the family. Being nice to him will disarm him. He expects you to come out swinging, which is what he wants. If can make you angry, then he can justify mistreating you. Don't give him that ammunition. And whatever you do, DO NOT let him scare you into relaxing your boundaries around your kids. That is what he wants.

hehe, Gimble and I were posting at the same time and said the same thing!

Pebbles, can you imagine how much of a heel he is going to feel like when his anger blows over?

Hi, again.

Quote:
===================================
My hands have been shaking all day. I have never felt such feelings of confusion, betrayal, anger, and devastation. What could I have possibly done to this man to deserve this? I wasn't a perfect wife, but I was a good wife and a good person.
===================================

It is normal to feel that way. Do your best to step back. Look at it this way. You are going to be facing these hurts for a while yet. Disconnect from them a bit. The world is not going to end. You will wake up again in the morning, and your life will still be in front of you just waiting for you to re-engage it.

Your kids need a hero. Really. Your hubby has temporarily left the building where all the sane people live, so he is unlikely to be able to meet the kids needs. That means you are volunteered for the job. This is one of those times in a person's life that everyone talks about, but no one likes to face. The simple fact is that you will survive this. It won't be fun, but you can get something out of it.

The pain has come to visit you for a while. What counts in the future, is how you handled it. You can't make the pain go away, and the quickest way through it - is through it. There are no shortcuts and all the waffling and rolling about on the floor will only serve to make it even harder.

So, chin up dear lady, this thing has NOT beat you, and I don't believe that it is going to.

God bless,
Gimble

MelodyLane, you are something else!

Besides, anyone that thinks the way I do can't be all bad, even if they are from Texas.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Gimble

Gimble and MelodyLane, I love you guys!! You took what I thought was a horrible, ominous event and turned it into an opportunity.

Now that you've kindly slapped some sense into me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, I am sure that he does want me to react with anger and fear. Okay...I won't play his game! His anger and cruelty still sting, but it's the alien! Plan A will go on. I'm so glad I got advice here before I called crying to his mom or to him.

Gimble, I take my responsibility of being my children's hero very seriously. There is no way in he!! anyone will be making them suffer any more than they already have, if I have any say about it. Keeping MOW away from them until a divorce is final (if it comes to that) is my goal. If going to court and the delay involved will further that goal, then maybe not having a temporary custody/visitation agreement is for the best.

MelodyLane, if/when WH does snap out of this fog, I'm sure he will feel like a heel. He has done so many unreal, even stupid things. When he was just "H," not WH, he was such a wonderful, admirable, intelligent man. I always hoped my son would grow up to be just like him. All of this is so not him!

I am glad that my lawyer has a copy of his "no more financial support" letter, signed by him. That may come in handy if/when we go to court. In a way, I almost feel sorry for WH. He is so deluded and disconnected from reality.

I am calling him in a few minutes to see if he wants to go bowling with us tomorrow night (the kids had too much homework tonight). Should be interesting.

I feel more hopeful now, more like I am in mid-range hell, instead of the very depths. Thank you!!

I called WH's cell phone to invite him to go bowling with us tomorrow night. I had to leave a message because he was on another call. He hasn't called back yet, but he probably got the message when he finished the other call. It would be interesting to know what he's thinking, but it's probably all scary, dark and cobwebby in his mind since the aliens took his brain away.

Well, one good thing...WH is probably thinking about me a lot right now. Maybe not in the positive way I would like, but I'm sure I'm on his mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles,

I am interested in knowing what the atty says about him dropping you and the kids health insurance.

It is my understanding that health insurance has to be carried on an estranged spouse and the kids until something is finalized in the divorce regarding it.

Or maybe that is just in my state. I know a friend of mine's husband tried to do that and he had to pick it back up again for her.

Isn't he worried about the kids not being insured health wise? I guess the aliens really do take their brains. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Dear Pebbles ~

The anger is a pretty normal response. Think of a child's reaction when he doesn't get his way. The child doesn't just smile and say: "You are so wise Mom, let's do it your way!" The child has a picture in his head of what he wants and how it supposed to be, totally based on fantasy! Disrupt the fantasy with a lil reality and what do you get? Temper! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Couple of things stand out to me when I read your thread and frankly those of many other new BSes here on the board.

Don't expect this to get resolved quickly. I think that people hear that it took 18 months and think OMG I couldn't do that.

The problem is, it took years for my marriage to fall apart. It is that way for most marriages that show up on the board. That kind of damange can not be fixed in even a few weeks or a few months!

Like you, I wanted my husband to just wake up and see what a changed woman I was. It doesn't happen like that.

According to the Harley's, an affair lasts 6 months to 2 years after exposure. In my case, I exposed the affair with hard proof no one could deny probably about 6 months after he moved out. Once family could no longer give him the benefit of the doubt regarding his new "friend", the pressure was on.

I was so tired and so discouraged so many times during that ordeal. I filed for divorce shortly after exposing his affair, because the "proof" I'd found convinced me that he was never coming home. I was angry and hurt, and furious that his OW was convincing him not to support me financially.

God works in mysterious ways. I filled out the paperwork for the attorney, and a day later was in the hospital with a disabling back and leg pain that the doctors thought was a herniated disc - untreatable because I was pregnant! This forced me to put the divorce on hold because I was forced to focus on MYSELF.

Thank GOD I was physically forced to stop spinning in circles about him, and what he was doing and not doing and when was he going to do what he was supposed to do and ..and ...and...and...

I had to focus on me. He became a kind of sideshow to the rest of the drama in my life. Thank goodness, because my filing for divorce was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY premature. Even months later, when Steve Harley told me it was time to file, it wasn't over. But the second time, my husband's affair had progressed far enough along that he was ready to consider the idea that maybe his marriage was the better choice. Had he been forced to choose that the first time, the OW would have been his choice.

All I can say to you is, if you want your marriage, don't move to quickly. DO take care of yourself and your children, and if that means going to court for support, by all means do it.

I think the best advice or wisdom I can give you is that you don't file for divorce unless 1. it is necessary for your family's protection or 2. You are done with the marriage.

Don't file to force him to choose, or to "win" or to be right or any of those other very deepseated motivations. When you are ready to file because you are emotionally accepting of where you are at, THEN it might be time. And you don't get to that spot quickly either. It takes time. I encourage you to give yourself that time.

(Btw, the laws in most states require that health insurance be left in place - so your husband is about to get a reality check! Let go and let the Law take care of him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> )

But in the meantime, consider this a vacation from your spouse! (Not a vacation from vows, just from him!)

Include him for the kids sake in your activities, but focus on improving the quality of your life and your kids lives. That means taking time to take care of you spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Remember what I said about momma bear? Well Momma Bear can't take care of her cubs if she's distracted and a wreck.

When you fly on an airplane, they tell you that you must put your own oxygen mask on first in an emergency, before helping others. This concept applies to you here too Mom!

Let your husband do all his spinning and chaos somewhere else.

Hi Pebs - you've been getting excellent advice AND you're dong a TERRIFIC job! I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said - except be thinking about what your Plan B entry conditions should be.

Once the legal stuff is taken care of is a good milestone for Plan B if you're otherwise ready for it. But clearly not the only mile marker.

OK, one other thing: Time is on your side. Other than the 90 day ticking clock, there is no reason to have a sense of urgency. This is Bam Bam's domain. He's the one in a hurry. He's the one "needing" everything. In fact, the 90 day clock may hold a blessing in disguise - your kids may conclude OW is a skank-ho (in a child's way) and throw a big bucket of cold water on the entire fantasy. Just imagine the possibilities!

So, keep up the good work and go forward knowing that you are in control here and you've got a lot of really good cheerleaders.

Weaver, BrambleRose, and WAT, thank you for your wisdom. It means so much to me that you would take the time to reply.

WH called my cell phone during my recess time, but I didn't hear it ring (maybe he hoped I'd answer??). He left me voice mail about the bowling invitation. It was kind of hard for me to listen to because he had the old H tenderness in his voice, not the alien WH coldness. It about broke my heart. He said that he couldn't go because he had a work meeting (which I think is true). He thanked me very much for thinking of him and said he would like to go next time.

Edited to add: He just called me again (at home) to make sure I got the voice mail. I couldn't tell if it was the alien or my H.

I met with my lawyer this afternoon. She called WH while I was there. She said it sounded like he had talked to a lawyer, but that she couldn't understand why a lawyer would advise him to change some of the basic, standard legal language and requirements. It looks like there will be either 60 or 90 days of no contact with MOW, but anything goes after that. He will also get the extra overnight visitation. The lawyer said that she thinks he wrote that he will no longer provide financial support to make me sign this agreement, because if we can't reach an agreement we'll have to see a mediator and go to court for a custody/support order. Waiting for a mediator would delay financial support until approximately September!

From what I overheard from the lawyer's conversation with WH, everything he said was "me, me, me, me." I know...that's typical for aliens. The alien coldness was back as well. So much for the tenderness I heard in the phone message.

She said there is really no way to make him pay for anything until we go to court for a support order (two weeks, a month, or even longer!). He can't even be forced to pay for our health insurance until there is a court order.

I went to the bank today to withdraw my half of our income tax refund from the joint account. It's a good thing I did! There wasn't much in that account besides my half. A few thousand dollars were no longer there. WH had promised me that the entire tax refund would remain in the joint account (and his promises mean a lot to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />). I guess I know where he got the money to consult his lawyer. A very large payment for my son's braces is due next month, which was supposed to come out of the tax money. I wonder what will happen with that.

BrambleRose: The lawyer said that even if I file for a divorce (which I already have, just haven't served him yet), I can delay the actual divorce as long as I want to. WH can file motions to speed it up, but I can file continuances - up to five years. So, if we can expect the A to last 6 months to 2 years after exposure, there is still hope (assuming I can still stand him after that time). With WH surrounded by A enablers, and the A going on for at least a year, I'm afraid it might become permanent, if it isn't already.

WAT: It is petty of me, but part of me is terrified that the kids might like MOW. I secretly want them to hate her. I hope that she is kind to them, for their sakes, but I hope they will make her life a living hell. I don't know how long I can take Plan A. It's sucking the life out of me. I do intend to keep trying. I just wish I could be sure that it's working (even though I know sometimes it doesn't work at all). What if WH really does just hate me? I've heard of exit affairs. What if this A is one of those? Okay, I need to stop thinking for a while.

weaver: It just doesn't seem right to me that WH can withdraw financial support and cancel health insurance as he pleases. Wouldn't a father want to make sure his children are taken care of? How can he live with himself, knowing that his children will suffer? What if one of the children has to go to the hospital? It will be a tough time for us until court-ordered financial support is in place.

Now I understand why people relate being a BS to a rollercoaster ride. Yesterday morning I was waaaaay down. Later on that day, after reading responses here, I was a little bit up again. Now I'm on the way down again. I am trying to step back and distance myself from the chaos, while still working Plan A.

Now I'm going to take my kids bowling. If I'm lucky, I may even hit one of the pins with the ball. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Pebs - does WH know you've actually filed? Or does he know you've filed, but have no intention of proceeding at this time?

It is important that he know you have every intention of salvaging the marriage - that you have no other goal at the moment. When a BS files, it contradicts this bigger message. In some jurisdictions, the BS has no option but to file in order to secure child support, etc. Perhaps this is your sitch. So, make sure he knows your real desires. You can even direct your attorney to specify in any correspondence that your real goal is to reconcile. Understand?

About Plan B - please be looking ahead to this. DO NOT look at Plan B as indication that Plan A has failed. Plan A can never fail if the BS approaches it honestly - because its true accomplishment is positive changes in the BS and demonstration to the WS (to the extent you can) of those changes.

WAT

Well, what he doesn't seem to be understanding that whatever medical bills the children incurr....are HIS responsibility as much as yours. Afterall, if there's no insurance, then BOTH of you are going to be liable for the FULL AMOUNT.

The whole point of having insurance to begin with is to keep from having to pay the whole bill out of pocket. (My sister and her husband allowed their insurance to lapse. Of course, that's when my nephew broke his arm in two places and needed orthopaedic surgery!)

Maybe you should very sweetly remind him of that fact. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I disagree that Pebbles should "educate" her husband - that is her attorney's job to inform him of the liabilities of his actions. Her job is to be an attractive alternative to self-destruction.

I don't know. I think it would depend on how well the conversation is going when they're talking.

Financial planning for the family is something that married couples do together. Presented in the right format, talking about insurance could remind him that they are still and always....a family.

It could also give Pebbles an opportunity to remind him that she is just as much concerned for his future financial liability as she is for her own.

It's just a thought for mulling over, but wouldn't it present her in a positive light as a reasonable person, if she could address issues like this one in a serene manner?

I think it could be an opportunity for a positive interaction.(????)

Ladyjane and KaylaAndy: My lawyer has advised me not to discuss financial support/insurance with WH until the custody/vistation agreement is settled. She is afraid he will become angry about the amount of support and retaliate by making more custody and visitation demands.

WAT: What I told him was that I was "considering" filing. He doesn't know that the paperwork is all completed and ready to be served. I did tell him at our first meeting with the lawyer that I did not want a divorce. He was given the impression by my lawyer that we were going to try to come to custody/visitation and financial support agreements together before filing for divorce. He, of course, told the laywer he wants the divorce as soon as possible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I will have to file for divorce in order to secure child support. Fortunately, the filing date was the last week of March, so support should be retroactive. I will see if I can direct my lawyer to specify that I want to reconcile, as you said, WAT. Maybe some sort of Plan A letter (i.e. Plan B letter with no "punchline")is in order?

God knows I've tried to demonstrate the positive changes I've made. I have no idea if he has noticed anything at all. He just seems to become more angry and vindictive all the time. The only break in his alien facade lately was when he left me the message after I invited him bowling. I'm just afraid that my Plan A hasn't done enough, and maybe has pushed WH even further away. I'm afraid of Plan B. Having no contact with me sounds like exactly what WH is most hoping for. He'd probably take MOW and his enabling buddies out to celebrate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How should I handle this??

I need to call WH's parents to invite them to my son's 8th-grade graduation. I'm sure they will ask me how the kids and I are doing. Should I mention that things will be tougher now that WH has withdrawn financial support? Or should I keep that to myself?

What do you think the pros and cons of this would be??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

Answer their questions honestly. You have nothing to hide, and you certainly shouldn't cover for him.

His decision, he can suffer the fallout.

All the best,
Gimble

I called them tonight. Whenever I call them or they call me, my MIL and FIL both get on the line. I did answer their questions honestly. You're right, Gimble, I am telling the truth so I have nothing to hide.

They said they have only spoken to WH one or two times in the 2.5 months since he left us. They have spoken to me many more times than they have spoken to him. They said he hasn't told them anything about what is going on (although they did have dinner with WH and MOW that one time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />). They sounded shocked and upset that WH said he would no longer be providing financial support for us. Whether they will actually say anything to him, I do not know (since they are trying to be "supportive" by being totally nonjudgmental of his behavior so far).<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> My MIL did say that I should "take him to court" if he didn't provide support for her grandchildren. She said, "We should call him tomorrow."

They asked me quite a few questions about what legal action I had taken so far. I didn't provide many details. I just told them that WH and I had seen the lawyer about setting up a temporary visitation/custody plan and that we had not reached an agreement yet. Even though they sounded supportive of me, they are his parents and I expect they will end up supporting him more than me.

In the one or two times that he has spoken to him, my FIL said that he got the impression that my WH is very determined in his decision to be with MOW.

I did tell them that I still do not want a divorce and that I hoped to reconcile...but that I am getting on with my life as best I can in the meantime.

I wonder what WH will have to say when they talk to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hey Pebbles! You and me both. Gimble's been hitting me with both barrels on my thread. My Plan A is going OK, but WW is DEEP in fog. So is your WH!

Nothing gets a man's attention like a swift kick to the @#%.

If Plan A is over, cut him off. I've got people saying I'm being too harsh telling other people why she's filing for divorce. WW is mad that I called it an affair because there was no intercourse. I'm sorry she doesn't like my definition.

Every time you waiver, you look at the kids and remember, they need a mommy and daddy that love each other. I don't want my boys to think that what mommy did is OK or that a marriage is just a piece of paper.

You're in control! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />