Hi, Pebbles.

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I wonder what WH will have to say when they talk to him.
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He will try to do damage control. That means that he will minimize anything you told them, and try to make you the 'heavy' and himself the saint for having an affair. It is all your fault after all, at least that is what he will likely try to tell them.

The only other choice is for him to be honest, and own up to his callousness. In that case, expect a check.

Your are right about blood being thicker than water, but some parents are better than others. You will have to see what their actions are in order to gauge their usefulness in your situation.

I am sorry you are having to endure this.

God bless,
Gimble

How sad that his parents sit idly by while their son tears up his family. It really makes me angry that there are parents out there who would sacrifice all of thier principles in order to avoid conflict with their children. Some parents! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

This could mean that your Plan A is working wonderfully. Things aren't so peachy in LaLa Land and you're the easy target.

A Plan A letter could be appropriate, but not vital if he knows for sure what you desire from all the legal stuff. If Plan B is reasonably expected, perhaps you should hold off on a Plan A letter to avoid conflicting messages.

WAT

Pebbles, you are amazing! This thread popped up while I was gone and I hadn't read it until yesterday. I have really benefitted from the advice you are getting. Where would we be without MB!

I hope that when it is my time to be a MIL that I have the courage to look at my kids and say "I love you but what you are doing is wrong." And not do this non-judgemental crap. Hopefully, my kids won't get into affair situations. I've told my boys that if they do this to a woman, I will rip their b***s off.

You go girl!

Sleepless: I've been following your story. I hope everything is going well (or as well as can be expected)! I hope the alien mothership returns our WS's brains to them soon, before they hurt themselves. I don't think my WH really thought or planned beyond the actual leaving. He doesn't seem to have a good grasp on reality when it comes to the destruction left in his wake.

Gimble: Yes, WH will probably have to justify his actions by blaming me for everything. So far he hasn't said anything bad about me to his family (and never has - in 22 years), but he'll have to have a pretty convincing reason why I was such a b&*@# that he is no longer willing to support his children financially. A month or so ago he promised his parents that he would always take care of us.

MelodyLane: Yes, I am disappointed that WH's parents haven't let him know they think what he is doing is wrong. Maybe this time, now that their grandchildren are threatened, they'll say something. Definitely a kickboxing workout for me today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

WAT: His anger and vindictiveness could mean my Plan A is working??!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I think WH was expecting that I would be cooperative and accepting of anything he wanted to do as far as visitation and support are concerned. That way he could convince himself that the kids and I are not hurt by what he's done. At first he even said that he was hoping we could be "friendly" about all of this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I just don't want to get my hopes up, only to have them crushed again. What should I do and not do now?

Grapegirl: Thanks! I'm finding out that the more WH tries to destroy me, the more I refuse to be destroyed. I am so thankful for all the advice here. Everyone in my real (non-Internet) life can't understand why I would want WH back and why I would want to fix our M, since he's been such a jerk. I have to admit that at times I'm starting to wonder if he's worth it, too, but I do remember all the loving, happy times we had...

More <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> moments:

After the kids and I got home from having dinner at my parents' house, I spent my Friday evening ankle-deep in toilet water. The toilet in the kids' bathroom overflowed. The dogs enjoyed it, though, and tracked wet paw prints all over the house while we were gone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> This morning the washer died - with a load of toilet-water soaked towels in it. There was some kind of rubbery burning smell associated with the washer's demise. I seem to have some sort of plumbing curse going on.

You know, I'm going to have a very hard time forgiving WH for withdrawing financial support from the kids. I know it's the aliens controlling his brain, but how could any father who loves his children (as WH claims to, and always seemed to) take away their grocery money, health insurance, etc.? I can understand being cruel to me, even though I don't deserve it, but threatening my children... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I know he expects me to react with fear and anger, to get me to be more compliant maybe?? I still plan on remaining calm, no DJs or LBs. I am seething on the inside, though, along with having an extra layer of betrayal, disbelief, and hurt added.

I'll vent here, not at him: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Aaaaaagh!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Here it is Saturday night again. My son is at a friend's house for the night. My daughter and I are watching a video and doing her nails (girls night stuff). In about an hour she'll go to bed...and I'll be alone. I think Saturday nights are the hardest time for me right now.

I think about WH and what he must be doing, spending time and doing...whatever...with MOW, having a great time. I really miss him (that would be H, not MOW's boyfriend). I miss fixing myself up a little and looking forward to talking and laughing with him, maybe going out to dinner with the kids, then watching a movie just the two of us on the couch. And (too much information warning!) I miss the sex - I miss it a lot.

I have gone out with friends. I've even been asked out on dates by a few men (but I don't date right now - I'm married!). Sometimes I just feel so lonely, especially Saturday nights. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pebbles you are not alone.

My DS has a friend over, my DD is here but all the kids are in bed. WH (or should I say WH in NC w/OW) is at male friend's house tonight, and I'm here with you. Thank God the OW is in Texas or I'd be walking the floor. Eventhough WH has come back home I still REALLY miss my H. This guy is distant and cold. Your description of a Sat night home watching movie and everything else w/H sounds like dream. A simple lovely dream.

Hang in there. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone you are actually in very good company (your own, its your H who is missing out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Mine too for that matter.)

I wish my MOW were in Texas! Or maybe the moon. The plant Uranus would be a good place(she could send WH's head back, it seems to be stuck there). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Such a long road ahead. Even if WH does end up coming back, he'll still be WH for a long time. I miss my H soooo much!


Thanks, confused42. They are missing out, aren't they? I'll keep telling myself that.

WH just called and asked to come over and see the kids this afternoon.

The house looks good. I'm going to bake chocolate chip cookies before he gets here, to try to meet his EN of wanting to be cared for. I'll have a plate of cookies for him to take to his place with him (he can share with MOW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> ).

I wonder if his parents have called him and said anything about knowing he is no longer providing us with financial support. I won't bring it up, unless he mentions it. How do you think I should handle this????? He also still has the revised custody/visitation papers, unsigned.

It was the alien on the phone when he called, very cold. I'm nervous.

Advice please?????

Pleasant, pleasant, pleasant! Don't let him drag you into any fights. You know what to do, Pebbles, you will be fine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

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..... he can share with MOW
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I hope he tells her where they came from. That would be good.

If he questions what you told his parents, you can answer honestly.

Hubby: "What the (insert expletive here) did you tell my parents? They were livid with me!!"

Wife: "I told them the truth."

Hubby: "WHAT TRUTH?"

Wife: "The truth about your decision regarding supporting our kids. Do you want another cookie?"

Don't sign anything.

Have a good time!

Gimble

Thanks, Gimble and MelodyLane!

Okay, this is how it went:

I was nothing but pleasant and friendly when WH came over to visit Sunday afternoon. The house smelled like cookies when he arrived. He mentioned more than once how good the cookies were. He knew I made them just for him. They were a kind the kids don't like, baked until almost too done, but not burned (just the way he likes them). When I gave him a container of cookies to take with him when he left, he thanked me and seemed sincere.

I did not facilitate his interaction with the kids this time. It took quite a while for them to warm up to him. In fact, my daughter stayed in her room for the first hour of his visit. When WH was out in the back yard working, both kids came in the house and hung around me. I went outside occasionally to offer ice water and chat for a minute or two. By the end of the visit, the kids were interacting with him more, but WH mainly watched them play together.

Very strange, though (maybe?), he didn't bring up anything about money, visitation, his parents calling him, anything at all unpleasant. I don't know if I should be relieved - or afraid of what he is planning to do next.

He did a lot of chores around the yard, and kept asking me if I wanted anything else done. I made sure to tell him how much I appreciated the work he did. He made plans with me to come work on some things in the next week or so. Also strange to me (old habit?), he said a lot of things with "we" and "us" in them. That always gets me right in the heart.

He came back today (Monday), his day off, to work on the pool filter. He asked me if it would be okay for him to be at the house when I was not there (he doesn't have a key to the house, but the gate to the yard is unlocked). He left me a phone message about what he did, quite a long message, in fact, and it sounded like H, not the alien. Was he respecting my boundaries about asking permission to go to the house? Or just placating me so I won't know what he's planning to do to us next???

Also, he did not ask to take the kids anywhere. Again, was he respecting my boundaries - or just placating me??

I told him I was going to take the kids to play pool one evening this week and asked him if he wanted to come along. I asked him what day would be best for him. He said he would really like to go with us and he had "nothing planned all week." He said I should call him any day and let him know.

I was cooking one of his favorite dinners near the end of his visit. When it was ready, I asked him if he wanted to stay and eat with us. He said he had to be going. After a pause of a few seconds, he said, "I have plans." I didn't ask what his plans were. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So, I still have no idea what is going on as far as financial support, the still unsigned custody/visitation agreement, or if his parents called him to talk to him about him no longer supporting us financially. But...it was a very pleasant visit.

Your interpretations???? Any ideas what is going on in the alien's head??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles, it is impossible to know what he is thinking, but I think it went really well. I suspect he is very confused right now and likely feels badly for threatening to cut off support. That would explain his desire to help around the house. He might have been hoping that you would pick a fight with him, too.

What is being done to resolve the support issue? Is your attorney workng on this?

And can you bring me up to speed? How long has he been gone? How long have you been in Plan A and what do you think attracted him to OW? Were you having trouble in your marriage?

I have filed for divorce (necessary here to get court-ordered support, but he won't be served until we reach a custody/visitation agreement. My lawyer wants to avoid him retaliating in anger, messing up the custody/visitation agreement. I did clear my half out of the joint bank account, to save for a rainy day.

He left on 01/25 (same as D-day), so he's been gone almost 3 months. I began Plan A about two weeks after he left. We had been taking each other for granted in the marriage. I went back to work full time two years ago, had worked from home before that. We were very busy with work and the children, not as much time just for the two of us. SF was great between us, and we rarely argued. He did seem to be going through a bit of a MLC (complained he was getting old, aches and pains, etc.).

From what I have heard about OW, she is quite a bit older than I am, less attractive, heavy, less educated, has a menial job, and is married and may or may not have left her family. The only thing WH said about her is that she comes over to his place, cooks, cleans, and usually goes home by 11 p.m. He has known her through his work for a few years, but, according to him, the PA has been going on for a year or so. I have never met her.

I know two of his greatest ENs are to be appreciated and taken care of. Maybe that's what she provides for him?

ok, when will this be happening? What are you doing to reach this agreement? Are you discussing this with him at all?

Is the OW still married? Are you in contact with her H? When I hear about an OW who is probably less intelligent, attractive than the W, it is sometimes because the H doesn't feel like a man around his W. He doesn't feel wanted or admired by you. Could this be the case? Do you think he felt admired and respected by you? Is that why he wants to come over and perform tasks for you? Do you think going back to work was a threat to him?

Remember what Gimble said earlier about thanking him for doing things around your house? I thought that was real good advice. Did you thank him for doing chores around the house?

Sorry to ask so many questions, Pebbles, I am just trying to get a good understanding here. I think things are going very well in your marriage and am just brainstorming some ideas.

MelodyLane, I'm glad you're asking questions. Maybe you can help me figure out what is going on!!

My mom, God bless her, says she thinks WH was looking for someone to feel superior to. I never thought he was in any way inferior to me. I always tried to stroke his ego, but apparently I wasn't doing it the right way. My mom, God bless her again, thinks WH may have been intimidated because he had gotten a little out of shape physically and I am very much in shape due to my home workout hobby. Although, he always complimented me on my shape and bragged about it to other people. I thought, and still think WH is gorgeous. I always told him so, too.

I have been thanking WH for the work he does around here. Maybe I didn't thank him enough before he left. It is possible that he didn't feel appreciated because I was so focused on work and the kids. Maybe he felt left out and neglected. I have told him that I am very sorry I made him feel this way.

Looking back, I can see that he was trying to keep me and the kids separate from his work friends. He said his work friends were "too crude" for us to be around. The place where WH works is mostly men, and they use a lot of rough language. WH never used curse words in my presence, and I have never cursed (out loud <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />).

Occasionally he would tease me about me thinking I was too smart for him because I have more education that he does. Again, I never thought I was smarter than he is, I'm not - and it's not like I have a master's degree or anything - just a BA and a teaching credential.

Yes, OW is married. I called her husband. Apparently they have some sort of "arrangement" where she has been living with him and their son on and off for the last few years. According to the husband, they are not in the process of divorcing. WH told me they were in the process of divorcing, and at first WH told me they were divorced. WH does know I called MOW's husband - and I did not tell him.

What a mess!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add: Just a thought. WH has said, more than once since he left, "You will be just fine." Maybe he doesn't feel like I need him enough? I have always been quite independent. He used to say he liked and respected that about me. But...how could I appear to need him more while not appearing too needy and desperate? I am supposed to appear as if I am getting on with my life as best I can, while still wanting to reconcile, right??? I'm so confused. It seems like whatever I do, it will be wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Did the OWH not care that his wife was having an affair with your H? What was his response to that?

I also suspect, like your mother, that your H feels inferior to you. It sounds like he wants someone who looks up to him and admires him. Might he feel that you don't look up to him and respect him? Men do like independent women, but they also want to feel needed and looked up to. I see lots of Plan A opportunities in this one.

No, OWH did not seemed surprised or upset. He did say that this wasn't the first time OW had done this. Maybe they have some sort of open marriage? He did not elaborate. However, someone did tell WH that I had called OWH - and it wasn't me.

It is possible that he feels that way, even though I never felt superior to him. His feelings of inferiority may also have something to do with his family. He has two brothers who are more educated than he is and work in finance-type jobs, and one other brother who is less educated but makes more money.

Edited to add: Sometimes when WH would see a fancy car, he would joke, "Don't you wish you had a husband who could buy you a car like that?" I told him no, I was happy with the husband and car I had. I have never been impressed with fancy cars, houses, etc. Maybe he wasn't joking?

I just remembered: One of the things WH told the MC about MOW (at our one visit)is that she is less educated than I am but she makes just as much money as I do (to put me "in my place," maybe?). WH and I had agreed for me to take this job, even though it is lower paying than working for a public school, so that I would be more available to care for our children.

Please, do share the Plan A opportunities you see. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am willing to try just about anything, but I don't want to be too obvious. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles, the Plan A opportunities I see revolve around showing him that you admire, need and look up to him. It seems he needs to feel needed by you. That is why he would come over and work on the house. So, your opportunity would be to show him how much you need and appreciate him. Look for opportunities to ask him for help, such as changing tires, fixing things, other things that he would be good at
that you are not good at. Look for opportunities to ask his advice.

Did you feel that the OWH would not be helpful in trying to do anything about the affair?

What about exposure opportunities at her workplace? Do they work together?

There are plenty of things he is good at that I am clueless about. I did mention to him yesterday that the shower head in the master bedroom was dripping. We stood there together in the shower and he explained about it needing some washers of some sort. He will be back to fix it. I have asked him to change my tires for me (I had a flat) and he has fixed my brakes. I guess more stuff will have to break around here. He definitely has more common sense than I do, too.

I didn't get the feeling that he cared too much about what his wife is up to. But I don't know the man personally, so I don't know how to judge his reaction.

They do not work at the same place, but their businesses have some sort of connection. I think her business supplies parts to his place of work. Apparently all of WH's work buddies know about and condone the affair. MOW is also a friend of WH's work buddies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> I can just picture them all hanging out together laughing at me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add: MelodyLane, re-reading posts earlier in this thread, you and Gimble seem to agree that I should be asking WH for help and advice. It makes sense to me. I just don't want to be too obvious. How many things can break around here? I'm trying to think of what else I can ask advice about, too. I don't want to overdo it so that he feels like he's being manipulated.