It's a good idea, Sleepless, but WH's MOW girlfriend (seems strange calling someone 6 or 7 years older than I am a girl) took care of that. She gave him her laptop to keep at his place. Isn't that sweet? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I found this out after I tried to look up info on my car insurance online and I found "their" e-mail address on the insurance account (it's a combination of his and her first names <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />).

Gimble, I got to talk to my kids a lot this evening about our unfortunate situation. It was unplanned, but necessary, because:

The kids and I went to the gas station to fill up the car. I tried to use the one joint credit card that WH didn't take with him when he left, the card he said I should use if I needed anything (he gets the bill). Well, the gas machine said I had to go inside and see the cashier. When the kids and I went inside, the cashier got a strange look on his face and stared at me. He then called the manager, who also looked at the credit card approval machine and looked at me strangely. The manager told me they had to keep my card and I couldn't have it back. I was so embarrassed!!! Right in front of my children!!! I felt like a criminal. I have never had anything like this happen before. WH must have taken me off the card. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it was so humiliating!

Apparently WH is serious about playing hardball. Now I have no credit card and no income coming in except my tiny little private school paycheck. I get two checks a month. One just barely covers the mortgage. We will have to live on the other check for the entire month to pay for groceries, PG&E, phone, everything. It will not be possible.

I have to use the money I took out of the joint account to get new health insurance for a few months. My daughter is having trouble with her eyes and needs an eye exam (we have no vision insurance, either). My son's braces payment is coming up. Neither child has warm weather clothes that fit.

All this after the somewhat promising visit last Sun., phone call Tues., and family outing Thurs. He will probably want to come over and see the kids tomorrow. Maybe the kids and I will have plans (DS already does have plans).

I don't want to serve the divorce papers until the visitation/custody agreement is signed (which WH is stalling). Being optimistic, it would be at least 3-4 weeks after he is served before we could get a court date to order financial support. It will probably take longer than that.

One of WH's brothers and his wife have told me that they would help the kids and me financially, if necessary. They are quite well off and could afford it. I don't want to beg...and I don't want to call WH's family asking for help. My parents have already loaned me money for the lawyer. They are retired and on a fixed income. I don't want to ask them for any more. Should I swallow my pride and call my BIL and SIL? Should I call my MIL and FIL again? Should I ask WH for money??? What should I do???

Anyway, the kids asked why the cashier took the credit card and why I wouldn't take them out to dinner (our Saturday evening ritual). My son asked if we were having money problems. I tried to explain without scaring them. I told them that no matter what I had to do, they would be taken care of. They also asked a few questions about what their dad was doing. I answered honestly.

Please, aliens, send my H his brain back! I am really not enjoying MOW's boyfriend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What to do now?????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I'm so sorry Pebbles, how awful for you and your kids to be subjected to that.

You guys are going to be okay Pebbles, you and the kids. You're a great mom.

When WH falls he is going to hit like I brick. I can't help it but he is the one I pity.

You seem like such a class act, I wish this wasn't happening to you.

I read your threads always, but you are getting such good advice, I hesitate to jump in.

Tonight I just wanted to give you a big hug, and say hang in there. It won't be long until happiness find you again, I just know it.

{{{{{{Pebbles}}}}}

Hi, Pebbles.

Here is what I suggest.

If your brother in law offered help, take him up on his offer. When he asks what you really need, don't minimize, tell him the truth about what your financial needs are. He may not be able to meet them all, but he will know if he is helping or not. No need to suffer silently.

Call your husband, and in a very matter of fact manner, tell him that his withholding of money is hurting the children. Then ask him what his intentions are. If his demand is access to the children on his terms, then tell him thank you for telling you, and hang up. Be sure to write down everything he says, and time and date the conversation. Give a copy to your attorney.

Don't cry, plead or get angry. Don't be nice. Be polite but somber. This is serious stuff he is doing.

I will tell you that courts don't look kindly upon abandonment, and that is what he is doing. I will bet that his lawyer does not agree with his tactics. Contact your lawyer Monday and ask if she can get a emergency hearing setup. Make sure that you lawyer is up on the facts of your case. If your lawyer is female, make sure that she intends to dress conservatively in the courtroom. Before you go to court, make sure that you ask for advice from some of the ladies here that have had good success in court.

I know you wont like this, but there are food stamps, and other possible avenues open to you. They may not sound like fun, but it may just wake your husband up.

I wouldn't contact your mother or father in law again.

FIM, if you are reading, do you have suggestions on the money issues for Pebbles?

Good job with your kids.

I am sorry for your embarrassment. Don't worry about it. Falsely reporting credit cards as stolen is a felony. You can cancel a credit card without reporting it stolen.

Lastly, your husband is being coached. Other woman is now instructing him how to handle you and the kids. That will account for the sudden shift to weird that you are observing in him.

God bless you,
Gimble

Hello Pebbles:

YOu probably don't know me as I have never posted to you before. I have read your ordeal and I feel profoundly sorry for you and your children. I can feel the pain and suffering in your posts. I can't ever imagine having to act "bubbly, and happy" around your husband and conducting a charade so he can see the "best of you". This is defintely plan A. I hope that you can still have some self esteem and dignity left before you are forced to do Plan B or whatver other startegies you try to win your WH back.

I can only imagine how embarassed you must have felt in front of that gas attendant, and what your children must have felt. Your children are certainly able to "understand" what is going on, and trust me, they know what that cashier taking your CC meant. Children carry this kind of $hit around for years. Please remember all of this as you do the plans here and try to get your WH back. The kids "know". They see the stuff that your WH is doing to you and them. THEY KNOW. The Alien talk is nice and funny, but in reality, that won't help your kids deal with this. I don't know what I am trying to say to you, but just to let you know that I am praying for you.

I still struggle so very much reading about the pain that BS suffer at the hands of Wayward Spouses. I wish that I had the power to make it stop or ease your pain. Maybe it is my professional background that makes it so damn hard for me to read the struggles of BS here and not be able to do anythign about it. I HATE INFIDELITY!

Please know that I am praying for you and your children. I hope that you remain safe and that someway,somehow you survive this with your dignity and self respect intact. PLease act as how you would advise your beautiful daughter to should she face the same situation in the future. Would you encourage her to act all bubbly and happy while her cheater husband has left her and the children for another woman. Would you tell her to do what you are doing? If so, great. Just make sure you remember this as you go through this nightmare. YOur daughter is going to "learn" alot from all of this and "carry" with her the lesosns from al of this. I hope that in the end you get your cheating husband back. I do, if that is what makes you and your family happy. You are a good woman and person.

The things that your WH is doing to you and your children and has done cannot be brushed off to an "alien" doing this. This is the man you married and this is the man he has become.....THIS IS THE MAN HE IS. I am sorry to those that are offended by all of this, but a MAN does not leave his wife and children and do the things that Pebbles husband has done. GOOD MEN DON"T DO THIS. Many will argue against what I said, and that is their right. This is just my opinion.


With the best of intentions AS ALWAYS

LM

Hi Pebbles,

Like weaver, I read your thread. Like weaver, I think you are going to be great. That doesn't take away the crap now or make the steps you must take now any easier, I know. The credit card thing was quite a blow, and probably just the beginning. I figure that this is a time when knowing that you have silent supporters (I suspect you have many) might help you feel more encouraged.

I agree with Gimble about getting financial help from BIL and SIL.

I also agree with Gimble about food stamps. That's why we have programs like that Pebbles. I know that there are many who use and abuse the system, but situations like yours is really what those programs are for. Your tax money paid into it for others, and now you are the one in need. Use it, that's what it's for.

So Gimble says that falsely reporting a credit card as stolen is a felony? Sounds like something to look into -- a well timed mention of that to your WH might come in handy some time, kwim? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take care Pebbles

Hi, Pebbles.

I may be wrong on the falsely reporting credit cards stolen, being a felony. It is a crime in many states. My understanding was, that it is a felony, but since I can't my facts, I will research and get back to you.

Regardless, he can get in trouble for it in most places :-)

More later,
Gimble

Thank you so much for posting, weaver, lemonman, LovingBoundaries, and Gimble. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support.

weaver: I have to say, more and more I am deeply embarrassed for WH about what a jerk he's being - and he doesn't even see it. He still thinks he is completely justified in everything he is doing.

lemonman: I am also concerned about what my behavior is teaching my children. I don't want them to think that someone can treat them like garbage and they should smile and take it. I am trying to explain to them why I am doing what I am doing. I have to admit that the more cruel things WH does, especially to the children, the more respect I lose for him - and now, the more respect the children lose for him.

LovingBoundaries: I will look into food stamps, if I absolutely have to. I promised my children that I would do whatever I have to do to protect them - and I meant it. I am also going to look into a low-income health insurance program that is offered where I live. I never thought I'd have to use these programs. This has made me more sympathetic to people who must rely on government assistance.

Gimble: I am going to call my BIL and SIL tomorrow and take them up on their offer to help us. It may have an added benefit of them calling WH to give him a piece of their minds. I took your advice and called WH tonight. It does sound like WH is being coached by MOW. I don't think a lawyer would tell him to withdraw financial support, although I have heard that some less ethical lawyers recommend this strategy to make the other party more compliant due to desperation.

I called WH. I told him about what had happened with the credit card and told him how not providing financial support was hurting the children and me. He blamed everything on me. To my credit, I did not get angry, cry, or beg. I may have tried to explain too much.

Edited to add: He said he cancelled the credit card because he lost his card. Yeah, right. He never loses anything to do with financial business. Also, if that were the case, he could have told me I wouldn't be able to use it.

He went ballistic, not really angry, but very cold and cruel, non-stop accusations. He said that none of this would have happened if I had stood by the agreement we had that he got to take the kids every other weekend. I reminded him that the agreement had not been signed by him because he wanted to change it. He said that shouldn't matter, that I should have let him take the kids anyway, that I was not their only parent, that I should have taken his word for it that MOW would not be there, that it was none of my business if MOW was there, that the kids would have to get used to her (logical, huh?). I told him that I wanted to trust him, but that as long as he was having an affair with John's wife I couldn't trust what he was telling me.

I couldn't get a word in edgewise through most of this, so I just listened.

He also said that if I had continued to put all my money into the joint account like he wanted me to, he would have continued to put money in too. He said that it was sneaky of me to open my own account (which I opened after he left, after he had his own account for months - I didn't say this part). He said he would provide no money until I honored my agreement about letting him take the kids, that we had reached an agreement. I did get a word in here. I said that I thought we had reached an agreement too, but that he had not signed it. He then said that he didn't sign it because he wanted things changed (so how is it an agreement?). I said nothing.

Also about the agreement (and child support? life in general? he kind of lost me in his "logic"), he said, "It's not fair that I'm the one who has to give up everything." He also said that withdrawing financial support was what he had been advised to do. He didn't say who advised him. I'm thinking it was MOW.

I ended the conversation by asking if he intended to provide any financial support. He said not until I let him take the kids when he wanted to. I said, "Thank you for telling me what I needed to know. Good-bye." He angrily said good-bye as I was hanging up.

So he's the one who has to give up everything??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Anyone want to take a shot at translating this alien transmission into human language? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
=================================
Anyone want to take a shot at translating this alien transmission into human language?
=================================

Here you go:

"Wife, it is all your fault that everything is the way it is. If the sun does not shine tomorrow, it will be your fault.

I am withholding money from my children because that is the nearest thing to a choke hold that I can put on you to get my way without going to jail, and because the other woman told me I have to be firm with you.

Besides, all this has to be your fault or I would have to be responsible for these actions and that is impossible since I am not a monster; at least other woman says I'm not.

I trust other woman because I believe she has my best interest at heart, but mostly because she makes me feel good, and I deserve to feel good about me."

I hate that you had to endure his diatribe.

From this point on, if he can't speak to you in a calm manner, tell him you you will only converse with him if he is calm. If he won't calm down, hang up or walk off. This does mean that you can't yell or scream at him either.

Until he signs the agreement, no more including him in family activities. No unsupervised visits with the children.

Continue to be pleasant. No love busters.

Quote:
================================
I ended the conversation by asking if he intended to provide any financial support. He said not until I let him take the kids when he wanted to. I said, "Thank you for telling me what I needed to know. Good-bye." He angrily said good-bye as I was hanging up.
================================

That is a good thing to know. He gave away his plan. You did good. No wonder he was mad.

I am especially interested to know how the kids react to his next call.

Please let us know what brother-in-law does.

God bless,
Gimble

Translation: WS will continue to have a tantrum until he gets what he doesn't know he wants.

If you allow yourself to get caught up in his WS drama, you w/b doomed to fail. Why? Because that is the WS objective. Your life and security of your family is NOT the priority of a WS.

Protect yourself and your family, do not apologize for taking secure measures to protect yourselves.

Learn to reverse babble and don't get sucked into his manipulative ways to blame you for his errors. BTW, he isn't giving up much in fact he is living high on the A at the expense of your family. All the more reason to think about enacting a plan B.

When my WS babbled and threatened as such, I learned to tell him that if that was the best he could do, then he needed to do what he needed to do. Basically babbled back and didn't give him any info. That sent the WS and OW wild. They would converse (especially the OW) about how I must be up to something. Yes I was, protecting myself and damagin the A. I learned to shoot long range missles at the A via reverse babble. I learned that the OW was tiring of the WS since she already had him in her clutches and that she was setting her sites on controlling me. I stopped that piece of garbage and made her wonder everyday what I might be up to. That was fun to know that she claimed to live in fear of what little ol Orchid might do to the massive OW. LOL!!!

L.

Sorry to quote myself, but this statement was making my blood boil and I couldn't sleep. The phone call tonight was the second time I've heard WH say it. The other time was when the lawyer called him while I was in her office and she put him on her speaker phone so I could hear the conversation.

It's not fair that he has to give up everything?? He didn't just give us up, he crumpled us up with both hands and stomped on us, and threw more garbage on top of us after we were in the Dumpster. Besides, he made a choice to "give up" everything to enjoy his "special" love with his married other woman. The kids and I were never given a choice.

Yes, I still see my part in contributing to the environment that led to WH's affair. I was not a perfect wife...but I wasn't a horrible wife, either. Plus, it would have been nice if he would have let me know what I was doing and not doing that bothered him so much. I would have done just about anything for him. I never did anything to him that would justify treating me this way, and our children certainly never did anything to deserve this treatment.

I think the children and I are "giving up" a lot more than WH is.

I'm taking a Benadryl and trying to get some sleep.

Gimble, thanks for the translation of the alien nonsense. I'll call BIL and SIL tomorrow (or today, I guess, it's Sunday already).

Orchid, your reverse babble is a thing of beauty. I'll try to use it as much as possible. It would be great if I could make MOW and WH worry about what I might be up to (maybe they do).

You're right, I can't let myself get caught up in the WS drama. I usually do pretty well to stay calm, not that you could tell by my last post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I'm trying to vent here, so I don't give WH the arguments that he so desperately wants.

I'm hoping MOW might be doing some LBing to WH. If she really is coaching him about how to handle the kids and me, I would think he would soon tire of being controlled, especially if it doesn't work to control me. Also, I noticed that when he is with us, he checks his cell phone quite often to see if he has missed a call. Maybe MOW has him on a short leash.

Of course, these are my ramblings. Maybe he likes how MOW handles him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Orchid!

Good points. I wonder how long I should continue Plan A? WAT suggested I Plan A until the legal arrangements are in place, when and if that ever happens. That would probably be a good time to start Plan B, do you think? I wonder if I've done enough in Plan A to actually make any difference.

Okay, off to bed. I must be stopped before I post again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Okay, one more post, then I'll really go to bed.


Thanks, Gimble. I have to admit, though, I did hold the phone away from my ear a few times while I rolled my eyes and made faces. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> The fogese he was shoveling was pretty thick.

Pebbles,

Ok, this is where you get to have some fun and shine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> How? Well you get to 'LB from afar' and keep that OW 'wondering'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I often go 'hm.....' and just give that look of wonderment when the WS used to do or say something stupid. The WS in my case even took on the speaking character of the OW. It was weird, his choice of words changed and he babble just like her e-mails. It was very strange. When I pointed it out to him he at first denied it but when I pointed it out again at a later time, he looked scared. I think he had been noticing that himself and it bothered him. Ok, that was 1 LB from afar.....I built on that and even told him he 'smelled different, kinda stinky'. LOL!! That was a riot. OW had 2 german shepards and I just made him think that some smelly thing was stuck to his clothing. LOL!!! It then would make him think about if he was smelling or not when he was around the OW.... ha ha ha.... every time I thought there was contact and he was around us, I would bring up the smell issue. I would sniff the air and wonder out loud 'what was that smell, WS. Did you get a wiff of that? It smells kind of moldy or stinky? Where have you been? Did you step or wipe yourself on something?' It was funny and it worked. Made the WS uncomfortable and he was not able to attack me with his WS anger.... he was too busy trying to 'figure out that smell'. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

OW in my case wanted to coach the WS into getting a D. She did research and send him an e-mail with at least 5 different sites that would help him get a 'quicky D'. She offered to help more.....but you know, I was shooting LB missles so it never matured to anything more than a bunch of babble.

OW gave the WS a list of demands for the 'privilege of living with her'. It included:

1. dropping of my then 6 year old son in a vacant parking lot so the WS would not have any contact with myself and his family or friends).

2. WS was not allowed to see or speak with me for 1 year.

3. WS was not allowed to see his son more than once a week.

4. WS was not allowed to see his family or friends (because they might talk him out of having an A). LOL!!

5. WS had to keep his mail going to a PO Box for 1 year until she could 'trust' him.

6. WS was to give OW $900+ per month as his share of the cost and privilege of living in her home with her 2 dogs and 1 B!tch. Oops <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Did I say that?!?!?!

There was more things because the list was about 16 items long. Well that list did not go over well with the WS even in the fog.

So my take is let the OW try to sink her claws into the WS. See how the WS likes it. Don't try to save the WS from that pain. Unfortunately most don't learn until they bleed from the A.

In the meantime, take care of you. Save your stength for later. Reverse babble when you can and let the OW be her own worst enemy. Remember not only is the OW a bad influence.... she stinks. LOL!!!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Pebbles,
I read your posts everyday. Although I'm in no position to give advice, I wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you and your family. The aliens seem to underestimate the power of a woman protecting her family. You go girl! I know you will be as strong as you need to be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I haven't got the energy to read all 10 pages, but just caught up on the last two. I just wondered whether the credit card was stopped because the card might have been over the limit - no chance that he's got himself into a pile of debt in pursuit of his A? (My WH did). Also, if he isn't prepared to give money for support, how about him bringing over the shopping. Send him a list, tell him this is what you and your children need. Then email a copy of this to your BIL. He should be ashamed of himself, but sadly, I bet he isn't. It is a nightmare having to deal with financial problems on top of all the affair crap. I am so sorry that you find yourself in a similar place to me. It sucks.

Orchid, I'm still laughing about how you made your WH think he smelled. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> That list the OW gave him is incredible! I hope my MOW self-destructs the same way. I never kept my WH on a short leash, I trusted him (bad idea, I guess) and I never tried to control him and tell him what to do, like it appears MOW does. Who knows, maybe he has an EN to be told what to do? I would think most men would find it annoying, but what do I know? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, confused42 and tucktummy, for your support. I'm sorry you are going through this, too.

I don't think the credit card company cancelled the credit card because it was over the limit. The cashier asked the manager what the code on the approval machine meant. The manager told him it meant the card may have been reported lost or stolen. It was very thoughtful how this information was explained to the cashier in front of my children and the other customers standing in line. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WH, during his diatribe last night, mentioned that he was still paying the bills for two credit cards (to show that he is still paying some of my bills?). Funny, I do not have those two credit cards, so none of the charges on them would be mine. WH has always been pretty careful with credit. In fact, he told me that one of the things he respects (gag) about MOW is that she doesn't use credit cards. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Now that he is a different person, who knows what he doing.

My lawyer did say that when we go to court to order financial support she can include something about how any charges made after the date of separation (Jan. 25) would have to be paid by the person who made the charges.

Start thinking outside the box young lady. My wife has her own laptop too. However, if the software is on your computer at home, and he comes to watch the kids one night for some reason, you may get his E-mail password on your computer. That's how I had to do it.

It has provided me a distinct advantage to KNOW she's lying and how much. I can direct my comments to better take advantage of her guilty feelings.

"Guesses" I make are much more close to home than she can imagine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Exposure news (sort of):

It appears that exposure to WH's work may be, to some extent, out of my hands. I found out from a friend I work with that there are quite a few people in her church group (church connected with the school where I teach) who have decided to boycott WH's business because of his unethical behavior. My parents and extended family have boycotted his business since this mess started.

My friend even said that some of the group were thinking of compiling a list of signatures of people who will no longer be frequenting WH's business and sending it to the owner.

My name and the names of my family members are not on the list, and I am not involved in the making of the list, so I don't think I could get in trouble for libel, if they actually send it. Besides, the statements about WH's lack of ethics would have to be untrue to be libel.

Hmmmm, interesting...

Edited to add: I am not a member of the church involved in the boycott, but many of the people I work with are members.

Also added: Wow, I am just floored that these people would do this! I don't even know some of them. It just gives me goosebumps.