LovingBoundaries, wow, I have no idea! I may accidentally slip and call his cell to ask a house maintenance-type question. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It seemed more like he really wanted me to know that he was at his parents' house for a few days, instead of at his place. Why that would be important for me to know, I have no idea, since I can reach him wherever he is by cell phone - and he usually calls me, not the other way around.

His parents' house has lots of pictures of us as a family on the walls. The living room is covered with them. If he's staying there, he is having to look at the smiling faces of him, me, and the kids cuddling together, and the kids' school pictures over the years.

Gimble, I think your assessment of the source of WH's anger is probably dead on. Thinking back over the two or three months before he left, when I thought he was stressed at work and suffering from a midlife crisis, I tried to do extra things to cheer him up and make him feel wanted, appreciated, and special. Each time I did something for him, he would say, "You did all this for me?" He sounded touched. Maybe I was unknowingly in sort of a Plan A in the months right before he left - but he still left.

As you know, I am still working on trying to make him feel appreciated and valued. I hope it's not too little, too late. It seems like every time I am nice to him or make him feel appreciated, he does something mean to me and/or the kids in the next day or two.

I just recently found out that WH had let it slip to my SIL (the one with the money) that "something was going on." This happened at a family birthday party a week before WH left, that he went to without me because I stayed home with our sick children. He had been drinking, which he doesn't do very often, and started crying and talking. He came home smelling of alcohol, and very amorous, late that night.

My SIL is known as the family gossip, so it's almost as if he wanted me to find out. SIL, according to her, told WH that if he didn't tell me about the A, she would. Exactly a week later, he told me and left. Would he have left if he didn't think I would find out? I don't know.

Edited to make a correction: He didn't actually tell me about the affair. He just said he wanted to leave. I had to ask specific questions to find out about the affair.

Good question, Gimble. I really have no idea how connected they are. He has introduced her to his parents. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> He has told our children he loves her more than he loves me and that he will probably marry her. He hasn't really told me too much about her. Most of what I know is from what he told the MC at the one and only visit, the lawyer during our first meeting, and what I have learned from my in-laws. Is it almost more worrisome if she is just a convenience? Then he would have left more because he wanted to get away from me, not just to be with her. Could be...

WH has not given my lawyer the name of his lawyer. My lawyer thinks maybe he is going to a paralegal or some type of divorce clinic place. MOW has no legal background, that I am aware of, and has a high school education. She is not yet divorced from her husband. WH does have quite a few friends he works with who have been divorced, maybe they are advising him.

Usually I do take my time calling him back. I don't like to appear to be sitting by the phone waiting for his calls. Usually he calls late in the evening, so it was a surprise to have a message from him so early in the day. That, plus him asking me to call his parents' number, instead of his cell phone, made me think he was going to tell me about the death in the family (it was a distant relative), or some other important event. I was surprised that it was just small talk and arranging to come work in the yard.

Or, maybe he was upset that he couldn't reach me last Sunday, the day he showed up unannounced after supposedly calling several times. He was very cheerful and upbeat. In other words, I have no clue what is going on (what else is new?).

Thanks, Gimble, what a nice thing to say. I am trying. I would have no idea about how to handle all of this without the help I'm getting here. And you're right, no matter what happens, the sun will come up tomorrow and life will go on. I just hope we don't get booted out of our house because WH wants to punish me. Still, I suppose life would go on even then.

I guess I'm kind of like the Terminator, the more I get pushed down the more determined I am to get up and keep going. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> "I'll be baaack."

I really think that you should enter Plan B as soon as he's signed the legal stuff. The same day. The same hour.

Cut him loose.

Plan B will be telling him that he made the decision to have an affair, leave the family, and "fight" for his rights. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Now you're telling him that you're taking control and it's YOUR decision to STAY SEPARATED and he's all on his own. Don't bother me until you get your head outta your butt.

I'm serious, Pebs. Plan B may be scary to you, but it's a package deal with Plan A. It's not another plan, it's the second half of the same plan. Once the legal stuff is settled, ANY delay in Plan B will diminish it's value.

Get hot on that letter. You gotta budget time to let your laywer see it and for us to see it first. See the sample in SAA.

WAT

It doesn't sound to me like he is getting advice from ANYWHERE other than his own selfish wants and bank account ("Look how much money I'm paying to Pebs, I want money to buy MYSELF things...") Who would give him advice to financially abandon his wife and kids, he is going to get it, but good.

It appears as though he thinks of this as a game. The D mentality and strategy. How do you remove yourself, rise above it, not be a part of the game, yet still protect yourself? Take what he says or does at face value...don't try to read too much into ANYTHING he does...he probably hasn't figured it out himself...don't ask what it Meeaaaans anymore (I hate that phrase, no way to tell).

Some things to do...

Next time he asks about DD talk honestly with him...tell him you are worried about her, she seems to be taking this hard. Talk honestly about the changes in her. If he tries to expain them away, just say, "I thought you would want to know."

Have you talked with him about the insurance and the credit card and how you and hte kids need money? Time to get honest. I'll bet you are a CA too. Someone has to bring up tough subjects.

I would talk with your lawyer about charging back some of your lawyer fees to him, for all the changes he's making...

I agree Plan B is a good idea, but I would wait a while after the legal work has gone through so it doesn't seem like Plan B is a retaliation or vengeful...give it a few weeks, or do it now but not hand in hand with signatures...it would be too convenient for the WH to expain Plan B away as a scorned spouses response to not getting what she wants...ugh.

Hi, Pebbles.

One of the reasons that I think your wayward husband is being coached, is the same type of reason you are here seeking advice. A wayward spouse is way out on the truth limb, and seeks to justify their position from as many sources as they can. It is only natural that they surround themselves with like minded people - people will all kinds of advice to offer, most of it bad.

Affair partners coaching each other is a basic tenant of the relationship. Add all that to a wayward spouse's propensity toward feeding their experience, and you have a convoluted mess, routinely erupting, regardless of who is in charge.

On the anger issue, I am not trying to find fault with you. In most marriages where an affair has been undertaken by one or both spouses, there is usually one or more major contributing issues to the marriage being in a bad way pre-affair. People can have affairs for a lot of reasons, but in general, the previous statement applies to most marriages suffering from an affair.

My effort to isolate your marital issues is so that I could understand your husbands mindset, and possibly be more effective in helping you with a strategy.

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As you know, I am still working on trying to make him feel appreciated and valued. I hope it's not too little, too late. It seems like every time I am nice to him or make him feel appreciated, he does something mean to me and/or the kids in the next day or two.
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Making a basic change on a personal issue is a good thing and is never too late. You will take that with you, reconciled or not.

Do you have an example of doing something nice and he reacts meanly to the kids?

Have you two ever had a fight that went physical?

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Is it almost more worrisome if she is just a convenience?
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No, it just changes the equation a bit. Don't worry about it.

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I just hope we don't get booted out of our house because WH wants to punish me. Still, I suppose life would go on even then
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Don't let fear rob you. I don't see a court booting a woman and children to the street because a wayward husband got nasty and complained that he wasn't getting his way.

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I guess I'm kind of like the Terminator, the more I get pushed down the more determined I am to get up and keep going. "I'll be baaack."
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That is an outstanding attitude to have :-)

So, do you think you can handle working on a Plan B letter?

All the best,
Gimble

Yes, WAT, Plan B is terrifying to me, but I do see its value. I'm just afraid that WH will think, "Thank God! Now I never have to see or talk to her again." He and MOW will probably have a good laugh about it.

I am starting on a Plan B letter. I'll post it here for advice on how to make it better. I agree that I should let my lawyer look it over before I give it to WH.

I am still waffling on the timing of starting Plan B. The lawyer gave him 10 days to sign the latest version of the agreement. We'll see if he actually signs it. WH has always said that he doesn't want to go to court and he can't afford a lawyer. I'm not sure how far he'll go to get his way.

StillHere, I think that's a good idea. About a month ago I mentioned to him that the kids were upset that he wanted to take them to his apartment. He said I shouldn't tell him if the kids are upset, that it made him feel like he shouldn't or couldn't see them. I think he does need to hear that they are not "fine" with what he is doing. It is a dose of reality. I have told him that the kids are not "fine," but not in the last few weeks.

I am somewhat of a conflict avoider, too. When I would bring up difficult subjects with WH (before he left), he would sometimes accuse me of looking for an argument - which he hates. We hardly ever argued, maybe not a good thing after all. When WH and I met with the lawyer, she said that we were the most calm and civilized couple she had ever dealt with. The MC said the same thing, almost word for word. They were surprised that we weren't screaming at each other.

I did talk to WH about us needing money and the credit card situation. He said that until I agreed to his terms (custody/visitation) he would not provide any financial support.

He will end up paying half of my legal fees, according to my lawyer, because his salary is so much higher than mine. He will also have to pay 100% of any fees he has to pay his own lawyer.

I can see your point, too, StillHere. WH has already told me, and my lawyer, that he thinks everything I've done legally so far is to punish him. I think he already thinks I'm being vengeful.

Although, if I were vengeful, when I cleared his clothes out of the closet a couple weeks after he first left I could have put them in a Dumpster. Instead, I folded them nicely, sorted by season, in large plastic bags and put them in the garage for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Aaagh!! I just typed one of my looong responses, but it disappeared. Consider yourselves lucky. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Gimble, I thought your impression of the sources of WH's anger was very insightful and helpful. I know and admit that I contributed to the pre-affair state of the marriage. I did take WH for granted and I did focus too much on the kids and my new job. I was so tired from going back to work, after working from home for several years, that I let things slide at home. He also thought I spent too much money and talked too much sometimes.

Not directly. To me, him withdrawing financial support is being mean to them, while intended to punish me.

No, never. He had never even raised his voice to me before the incident where I wouldn't let him take the kids for the weekend. We hardly ever argued, and never argued loudly or physically. I know, we are conflict avoiders, but we were always very compatible (or so I thought).

The lawyer said he could force a sale of the house as part of the division of the assets. He promised us, and his family, that he would let us live here as long as we wanted. But...he also promised that he would support us financially, so... I would like to see him explain to his family why the kids and I have to move out. Somehow it would all be my fault, of course.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well, I'm going to find out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I'm going to get started, hopefully tonight.

Yes, this was the short version of my reply that disappeared. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

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The lawyer said he could force a sale of the house as part of the division of the assets. He promised us, and his family, that he would let us live here as long as we wanted. But...he also promised that he would support us financially, so... I would like to see him explain to his family why the kids and I have to move out. Somehow it would all be my fault, of course.
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Ignore the promises and define 'force a sale'. I see a lot of opportunity for the 'anchor effect' :-)

All kidding aside, the nastier he gets, the more he alienates his children. The day you decided to stop keeping his activities a secret, is the day that he started having to take responsibility for his actions. That will continue to be true, regardless of what happens to the house. I wish more betrayed spouses would understand that helping a wayward spouse hide an affair is the same as helping the affair.

Now, stop worrying about it. That is a ways off, and a lot can go right in the mean time :-)

God bless,
Gimble

The 'anchor effect' - is that related to the 'old ball-and-chain' effect? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> My lawyer told me that when we divide the assets WH could insist that either I buy him out (ha, ha, funny, as if I could) or we sell the house and split the proceeds. I'm putting my worries about that on the back burner, for now.

And he still doesn't seem to 'get it.' He still thinks the kids will adjust immediately, because he has a lot of friends at work who are divorced and their kids are fine (he says). I hope some of his attitude is just for show. One would have to think he'd notice when the kids pull away from him or when his daughter doesn't want to speak to him when he visits.


I hope something starts going right. I'm still the Terminator, though. I didn't realize how much I could withstand. I am a lot stronger than I thought - and the backup here helps tremendously.

He called and left a message this evening. We were at the grocery store, but he doesn't have to know that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> The message was just for the children, I was not mentioned. He said he wondered how they were - and that it would be hard to reach him at his parents' house (he's still house-sitting). He said he might try calling again tomorrow evening. We won't be home then (plans). Neither child wanted to call him back. I didn't call him back, either.

I haven't been able to start on my Plan B letter yet. I will try to get it done this weekend.

I think part of my fear about Plan B is my fear of humiliation. I am afraid WH will read my Plan B letter and laugh, thinking, "I told her I didn't love her and was never coming back, but she is still in love with me. What a loser!" Maybe he'll let MOW read it over wine at dinner and they'll make fun of me and how pitiful I am, then they'll toss the letter in the trash.

Of course, I'm also afraid that Plan B will give him what he's been wanting most - me gone for good. He told me once that he wished he could just call and the kids would answer the phone, so he wouldn't have to talk to me. But...he has called to talk to me, without asking for the kids, lately, but just about coming over to fix things.

So, do you think my Plan A has been long enough? I'm afraid any positive effects my Plan A has accomplished have been negated by the hostility of the legal matters (even though I have not been hostile to him, just firm in my boundaries). Maybe he thinks I've only been nice to him to try to manipulate him. I know that he knows I do not want a divorce. But again, a longer Plan A might not have a chance against the increasing ugliness of the legal proceedings. Any opinions?

I know that part of the purpose of Plan B is that I won't care about him by the end, but it seems so terrifying now.

Hi, Pebbles.

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The 'anchor effect' - is that related to the 'old ball-and-chain' effect? My lawyer told me that when we divide the assets WH could insist that either I buy him out (ha, ha, funny, as if I could) or we sell the house and split the proceeds. I'm putting my worries about that on the back burner, for now.
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No balls or chains, but some serious foot dragging :-)

You might want to talk to a banker. By the time you add your salary and his maintenance and child support, you might just be able to afford it.

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One would have to think he'd notice when the kids pull away from him or when his daughter doesn't want to speak to him when he visits.
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He notices. He does think that once he gets them away from you, that it will all be better, but Plan B is going to help fix that little fantasy.

I am glad that you are still the terminator. I am not surprised that the kids didn't call him back.

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I think part of my fear about Plan B is my fear of humiliation. I am afraid WH will read my Plan B letter and laugh, thinking, "I told her I didn't love her and was never coming back, but she is still in love with me. What a loser!" Maybe he'll let MOW read it over wine at dinner and they'll make fun of me and how pitiful I am, then they'll toss the letter in the trash.
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Don't worry about mocking or spite. Who cares what John's wife thinks about anything - well, unless it is her going back home to John :-)

It doesn't matter what they think about the letter. It is going to stick to your hubby. It is going to stick in his mind. He is going to wake, sleep, eat and use the toilet thinking about it.

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Of course, I'm also afraid that Plan B will give him what he's been wanting most - me gone for good. He told me once that he wished he could just call and the kids would answer the phone, so he wouldn't have to talk to me. But...he has called to talk to me, without asking for the kids, lately, but just about coming over to fix things.
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He only thinks that's what he wants, but he is going to get a dose of it, and he is going to find out very quickly what other woman is really made of. I bet he won't like it.

Here is what life might be like for him. Assuming, you go Plan B shortly after the legal issues are handled. He is going to call to talk to the kids. You will hand them the phone or they can answer - if they want to or not. My guess is that they will often not want to.

For 90 days, he can't introduce them to John's wife. If you catch him, you bust him. That means that when he gets the kids for a visit, he is going to get a lot of 'upset' - by the buckets full to go along with the visit. The tension is going to be difficult, and the only person he can talk to about it, doesn't know his children at all. It is almost a certainty that she will give him bad advice. The reality, at least some of it, is going to begin to coalesce in his brain.

So, for 90 days, John's wife, who won't be staying with him all the time, is going to be responsible to meet all his needs. He is stuck living in a dump, with nothing to fix, nothing to be appreciated for, and no one that understands his kids to talk to. If she doesn't understand his kids, and her ideas don't work, then what is he to think about all those ideas about you that she had?

Yep, I think Plan B will get his attention.

Please tell me how you feel about all that. What do you think - fear aside, will be the issues?

As for Plan A. I think that you have done a good one, even if it is short. Your circumstances are dictating that you take an early approach to Plan B. That is okay. The legal stuff is what it is, and you have little choice in the matter, unless you come into some money. If you do, then you can change the game a bit.

Honestly, I think that Plan B with your circumstances the way they are, gives your marriage a good chance. I wish there were guarantees. If you can scrape up a couple hundred dollars, a call to Steve Harley for his input would be helpful for you.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble, I like your version of the effects of my Plan B. I do think some of it would turn out the way you stated. My daughter could easily make his life a living hell. She is very strong-willed, and angry right now. My son is angry too, but he is much more of a peacemaker. He won't want to anger his father.

I used to be such an optimist. WH, when he was my real husband, used to say I had 'an aura of goodness and happiness' around me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> I'm a bit more pessimistic now.

Worst case scenario:
WH has a fairly nice apartment with lots of kid-approved, cool electronic toys (this is true, according to my daughter, the one time she saw his apartment) and new furniture. She said he also has a nice, large bathroom that 'smells good.' He provides many gifts and lets them play video games, watch DVDs, lets our son play on John's wife's laptop computer, and lets them do whatever they want without disciplining them. He takes them fun places that I cannot afford to take them. WH still has John's wife to fix things for, on his days off from our children, and she comes over to clean his place and cook him nice meals. I can think of more, but I'll spare you more whiny ramblings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

The issues (in best or worst case scenario):
I seriously doubt John's wife will be able to understand how to handle the children. She hasn't lived with her own child on a regular basis for quite some time, apparently. Her advice will be useless when it comes to taking care of them. Both children are angry with WH, and I have always spent more time with them than he has. I am sure I understand them better than WH, or MOW, especially now. Neither child's friends' parents will let their children visit WH's place, knowing what he has done, so he will only know about their social lives through what they tell him.

Our daughter has been having trouble sleeping lately and has been wanting to be with me at night. I can't imagine she would sleep any better at his place. She will probably be very grumpy. The children probably won't want to talk to him on the phone. Our daughter won't talk to him when he calls now.

I wish there were guarantees, too. But, as I've been told, I can't really lose him any more - he's already gone - so what do I have to lose by trying Plan B? We did have a good, happy relationship for a long time, and we have a lot of history together. Maybe Plan B will make him remember some of the good things. Right now he seems to remember only the bad (his version of history).

If only that money tree in the back yard would start producing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Lovely mental picture, LOL. I hope it does stick in his mind. I hope he's not too far gone.

I do think, and hope, that this will happen. I think she has been coaching him about how to handle me. Her suggestions haven't been effective. When her ideas about how to handle the children don't work either, maybe he'll see her in a different light.

Thanks again, Gimble.

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Worst case scenario:
WH has a fairly nice apartment with lots of kid-approved, cool electronic toys (this is true, according to my daughter, the one time she saw his apartment) and new furniture. She said he also has a nice, large bathroom that 'smells good.' He provides many gifts and lets them play video games, watch DVDs, lets our son play on John's wife's laptop computer, and lets them do whatever they want without disciplining them.
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Hi Pebbles,

Not sure if you remember - I posted about how my dad left when I was 12... He moved in almost immediately with his OW. When we would visit them, they were exactly as you described. My brother would play Nintendo all day, I would talk on the phone, my sister would do whatever. We could fight, call each other names, stay up late. Never any discipline. I asked my dad's OW one day why she never sent us to bed early when we did something wrong (bed early was my mom's favorite punishment). She said that she didn't think it was necessary - we were on vacation, and we should enjoy our time off.

(Side note - my dad moved 1,000 miles away, we only saw him every other year at Christmas and one month each summer.)

My sister, who was only six when my dad left, decided to go and live with him and his OW. She didn't know that there were no rules only because we only visited on vacation. It was so awful. She was miserable and ended up moving back in with my mom (took about three years).

So remember, even if your H and the OW do everything they can to make sure the kids like to visit, there will always be reality. It might not come for the first few visits, but your kids sound like they would realize that their father was trying to "bribe" them by being so nice. I certainly noticed.

Cat

Maybe a subtle point, but I believe the "not caring" part is better characterized as a result of a well done Plan A/B.

The textbook reason for Plan B is to preserve the dwindling love bank of the BS and to force the WS to have all ENs met by the OP.

I believe the unstated practical affect of Plan B includes forcing a fuller set of consequences on to the WS for his/her decisions (and for the balance of control to shift to the BS). Do not fear showing him all the consequences. In the end, consequences of decisions is what changes decisions.

WAT

Hi, Cat. I do remember you, and thank you for posting! It is good to hear from someone who has 'been there' to give the betrayed kid's point of view. I think my children are old enough and smart enough that they will recognize a bribe when they see it, like you were. I know from being a teacher and a parent that children need and expect boundaries, they want adults to be in charge. Even though children may test limits, they feel confused and unprotected without them.

That said, if the worst happens, it will be hard to be the disciplinarian while WH (and eventually MOW) get to be the good-time, video-game buying, vacation people.

Very sad: My son and his friends were comparing how many numbers they have stored in their cell phone address books. My son told his friends, "If I need somebody I have seven numbers I can call: two for my mom, two for my grandma, two for my grandpa, and one for my aunt." He didn't even mention his father. He already thinks of his father as someone he can't count on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for reminding me, WAT. I appreciate your input and advice.

My love bank is deep in the red right now (kind of like my bank account, LOL). Although, I did keep one of his phone messages on the machine for a long time, just to hear his voice. What a dork I am. My son erased all the phone messages a few days go, so I don't listen to WH's message any more.

A man flirted with me in the grocery store the other day. A good-looking, seemingly nice man in a suit. It felt good. He asked where to find sports drinks, which were right down the aisle in front of him, then chatted with me for a little while. I know from my reading on this site that BSs can easily be tempted to start their own affairs. I can understand why. It was very nice to have someone seem to care what I thought and seem to want to be with me.

Good point. I'm just afraid that maybe she will be able to meet his ENs in a way he can tolerate. There must be some things he'll miss about me???


Some practical questions about Plan B. I'm not sure who I should choose as an intermediary. I could rely on and feel most comfortable with my mother. She has agreed to be my intermediary, even though she is possibly more angry with WH than I am. I don't know if WH would accept her as an intermediary, although they were close before he left. I really can't think of anyone else who would be readily available and willing to do the job.

Also, if WH signs the agreement, it states that the receiving parent must pick up and provide transportation for the children. I'll have to ask my lawyer if it would be okay for my mom to receive the children for me or if I have to do it myself.

WH will be calling the house to talk to the children. What should I do if I answer the phone? Just answer the phone, then hand it to the nearest child?

What about contact with my in-laws? Would contact with them be considered contact with WH?

I know I have to do this, but.......it's scary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

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Some practical questions about Plan B. I'm not sure who I should choose as an intermediary. I could rely on and feel most comfortable with my mother. She has agreed to be my intermediary, even though she is possibly more angry with WH than I am. I don't know if WH would accept her as an intermediary, although they were close before he left. I really can't think of anyone else who would be readily available and willing to do the job.
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Your mother should work fine. It doesn't matter if hubby accepts or not, she is who you chose. If he wants to deal with you, he talks to your mother. You will want to ask her to be sure, and make sure she understands what to expect and how to handle it.

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Also, if WH signs the agreement, it states that the receiving parent must pick up and provide transportation for the children. I'll have to ask my lawyer if it would be okay for my mom to receive the children for me or if I have to do it myself.
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You can pick them up, just pull up and blow the horn. No reason to talk to hubby.

He will try that boundary. You might consider keeping a couple of copies of your Plan B letter in the car, so that you can hand him one the first time he "has a quick question".

If you don't have calller ID, get it. The kids can see who it is and answer the phone if they want to.

Since you mention they already have a cell phone, you can call them directly, and work out a call back system on the regular phone to save charges on the kids cell phones.

You can work this stuff out, just be a bit creative.

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What about contact with my in-laws? Would contact with them be considered contact with WH?
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No, it wouldn't be contact, but it may be rough on you. They migtht not understand what you are doing and start trying to pass messages from wayward hubby to you. If that happens, ask them to please not do that, if they continue, then stop talking to them.

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I know I have to do this, but.......it's scary.
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I think it is probably more work than scary. The scary part wears off pretty quickly, then it is a bit of work, and eventually, you really start to enjoy the peace of not directly having to deal with the bullstuff continuously generated by the illicit pair.

Don't stay up all night worrying about it, you will do fine :-)

God bless,
Gimble

Watch there young lady. Let's discuss temptation. I'm getting looks in the airport from flight attendants that are pretty cute. I've got a woman I'm renting a room to who's about 8 years older than me, but is certainly interested, and one of her IM friends that's been flirting. I'm NOT that good looking, but something about me must be appealing. We must be putting off some signal. Do NOT entertain such thoughts until the gavel falls (on divorce). That's how WS get n trouble. Talk about your kids, and husband. They don't have to know your marriage is in trouble.

Having said that. It is nice to have an attractive person of the opposite sex say nice things to you. It's nice to have a woman post on your site instead of a man. Enjoy the nice and leave it there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry, Sleepless. I'll be a good girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I've been faithful to the same man for 22 years and I'm not about to stop now, until a divorce is final. Of course, it would have been nice if he (WH) would have done the same. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I know what you mean about possibly giving out some sort of signal, though. I've had four men ask me out since this has happened, just during normal day-to-day activities, not at bars or types of places where one might expect to be asked out. I was wearing my wedding ring, but they may not have seen it (hidden under a jacket, long sleeves, etc.). I did tell them I was married. Maybe they were attracted by the lovely dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Wow! I just noticed today is the last day of April. That means I'll turn 40 in a little over two weeks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> When did that happen? I was 25 just yesterday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />