You know me too well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> It does seem whenever he is nice to me, something nasty is waiting around the corner. And when he looked like he was afraid of me, it was kind of like a little boy who is afraid he is going to be punished (maybe for something he is planning to do?). Maybe my Mother's Day gift is really a box of dog poo. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Gimble.

Well, she does love shopping - for herself - so him taking her to buy clothes was a good idea on his part. She still wouldn't hug back when he hugged her good-bye. Actually, both kids seemed okay when they got home. It was nice that it was just a few hours. They could start getting used to being with him again.

Hi, Pebbles.

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Well, she does love shopping - for herself - so him taking her to buy clothes was a good idea on his part. She still wouldn't hug back when he hugged her good-bye. Actually, both kids seemed okay when they got home. It was nice that it was just a few hours. They could start getting used to being with him again.
================================

Hmmmm.... Here is what I am wondering. I wonder if while they were shopping, a strange woman in a store acted very surprised to see your husband, as if she knew him a long time ago and then they chatted a bit, her in a very animated way, him - somewhat subdued.

I'm not saying that to upset you, and don't let it. It really is funny in a sad way if true. I doubt that he would have planned such an incident. And if it actually happened, would almost be stalking.

I am just thinking out loud (frightening, isn't it) because his actions as you described them, set off my BS warning flags.

Anyway, he can only buy off the kids for so long. At some point in time, he has to actually act like a father. I am sure that will come, and that will be a truly good day for the kids.

God bless,
Gimble

Pebbles,

I think that you've done really well with your letter!

I agree, though, that you need to watch out for your WH, it sounds like he's got something up his sleeve. I do think that it's sweet, though, that he arranged for the kids to have something to give you on Mother's Day. I wonder if OW knows that he did that...

As for the D papers - I say to have them served at work. He obviously has no problem flaunting his situation around his work buddies, and having them served there will save him from having to tell all the guys about it later. Plus, if OW catches what's going on, it might hit her with some reality. She's probably also living in a fantasy world, and D papers might be more than she's ever encountered with any of her OM. Hopefully it will shake things up between them.

I wish you the best!

Cat

Hi Pebs - I think your letter is good. (Of course I would <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> )

Some could argue it's too long or too whatever - you are the final arbiter. You know your H - or at least the person he used to be - and are the only one to know how to say things to him.

You understand that Bam Bam can no longer be Mr. Fixit in Plan B, right? If you didn't understand this, go over your letter and see if you need to make any changes to specify that you do not need/want his assistance as Mr. Fixit.

I will not try to interpret his recent statements or actions - I've learned not to attempt this in my experience on this forum. It's futile. That said - I understand your analytical urges. I still try to figure out my XW and OM. Fortunately, I'm not capable of doing that - if I was, what would that say about MY rationality? As long as you stay perplexed, you're sane.

WAT
-------------
That we can treat our spouses and others so cruely shows we have not yet finished evolving as a species.

Gimble, I casually asked the kids some questions about their outing with their dad last night. According to them, none of the three of them saw anyone they knew while they were out. Our son chose the restaurant and our daughter chose the store, so it would have been hard for MOW to have planned to meet them. Our daughter also said it was her idea to buy clothes, not her dad's (that's my girl <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). So it looks, on the surface at least, to have been an innocent evening.

Cat, I agree, his behavior does seem suspicious (although no weirder than it's been all along <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). I can't imagine what he might have planned to spring on me. Anybody have any ideas what I should be on the lookout for?

I do wonder if MOW knows about the Mother's Day gift. The skeptic in me wonders if it was her idea, to placate me and keep me under control. The gift buying expedition is something WH would have done in pre-alien abduction times. I don't want to have false hope that there's a little bit of the old H sneaking out.

About him not looking me in the eye and seeming afraid of me when he left last night, I'm wondering if it's the shame he's feeling again. He has said a few times that he feels ashamed when he looks at me. If there really is any of the good man left down inside of him, he would have to be ashamed of how he's treated the kids and me. And I haven't been accusing him or LBing him, so it has to be his own concience causing him to feel that way. Maybe there's hope for him?

So, I would be 'helping' him to serve him at work, to save time informing his enabling buddies. Well, since it's the end of my Plan A, I guess I should be helpful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Although, WH and his buddies may go out to lunch to celebrate the filing of the divorce paperwork.

I hope the D papers do insert another dose of reality into la-la land. WH will get the summons for the financial support court date along with the D papers - surprise!

Cat, I just noticed your wedding date is May 11! I wish you the best. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, WAT, and thanks for all the help. I do wonder if it's a bit too long, but I have small handwriting so maybe it won't look too long written out.

Yes, I know. I will miss Mr. Fixit (sigh), he was a handy guy - and looked darn good in a tool belt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Hopefully WH will miss Mr. Fixit, too.

In that case, I must be one of the most sane people on earth. Add that to the power WH seems to think I have to make bad things happen to him...and I can begin my plan to take over the world (mwaaahaahaa).

On a serious, scary note, after reading Ron53's thread I realized that I haven't been tested for STDs! I meant to, but put it off (dumb), and now I don't have health insurance. I unknowingly was exposed to God knows what for almost a year before D-day - without protection (we were monogamous, I thought). And from her husband, I know that WH is not MOW's first and only affair. Of course, WH told me 'she's not like that' when he first left and I was upset that I might have been exposed to something. Ick, ick, ick!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> How ....(I can't even think of a word)... of him to take away my choice whether or not to be exposed to STDs.

Morning, Pebbles.

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How ....(I can't even think of a word)... of him to take away my choice whether or not to be exposed to STDs.
===========================

How about 'duplicitous' ?

God bless,
Gimble

OK, you can release your breath now. I jumped in and climbed right back out. If you have to swim for a while, I'll sit here at the edge of the pool and chat to keep you company. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Good luck!

Pond scummy?

Oh, that's two words.

Pondscummy.

WAT

Gimble and WAT, how about duplicitouspondscummy?

Notso, it looks like your Plan B had an immediate effect! Way to go! I'm not sure that my Plan B will have any effect on my WH at all, except for the party WH and MOW will have burning the letter.

*****************
I was just thinking about the check and ortho bill WH left for me on the counter when he visited. Is he really expecting me to pay the entire ortho bill (balloon payment of several hundred dollars)? The check memo says "my half of mortgage payment." I'm thinking of calling him and saying, "I used the check for your half of the mortgage, as you intended. Will you be sending your half of the ortho bill directly to the orthodontist or would you like to give me a check?" Maybe this is part of his 'no financial support' plan. Well, there's no way I can pay the whole bill, and he is legally responsible for half.

I was just rereading the visitation/custody agreement. It states that whoever has health insurance coverage available through work must provide it for the children. WH is the only one of the two of us with insurance available. He had wanted this part of the agreement deleted. I wonder if he noticed it was there when he signed.

I'm wondering how the weekend visits are going to work out with the children's social schedules. Next weekend is supposed to be the first overnight with WH (maybe - he seemed too afraid of me to talk about planning the other night). My daughter has already made plans to have two friends spend the night that Saturday night. I know neither friend's parents will allow their daughter to stay at WH's place. Will he make her cancel her plans, I wonder?

Just brainstorming... Which do you think would best?

1) Have the divorce papers served at WH's work, then present him with my PBL a few days (or so) later.

2) Have the divorce papers and PBL letter presented at about the same time. The lawyer said no letter conveying my intent could be sent with the papers - we're in a no-fault state. I would need to present the PBL separately, so this may be a difficult option to execute.

3) A new option: Present the PBL a day or so before the divorce papers are served (since the PBL states that I do not want a divorce and have only filed to secure financial support). I realize this option would nullify the element of surprise of having the papers served at work. He may somehow try to avoid being served, if he knows to expect it.

Or, maybe there is another option I haven't thought of. I would appreciate any opinions and suggestions. Thank you!

Hi Pebbles.

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I'm wondering how the weekend visits are going to work out with the children's social schedules.
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Sounds like that will be the first problem for him to solve without your input. My guess is that the kids will quickly learn that other kid's parents don't trust their dad because of his choices. That is a consequence. Maybe they will spend lots of Dad's weekends at other kids houses.

They will learn to schedule fun things with friends when they are at home. They will likely call time spent with you "at home" since it has been in the past, and your husband's abode, "Dad's place".

Something for you to remember if things go that far; When the 90 days are up, and John's wife gets introduced to the kids, it would be a nice gesture on your part to have already told your kids how to address her. I suggest that they call her by her married last name, rather than the less formal "Miss Nancy". As long as she is still married, a Mrs. before her married last name would be appropriate. :-)

Your kids are not pawns. That is likely how they would be instructed to address any other stranger. Like any other stranger, they are not required to trust or obey this person. They are required to offer basic respect, but no more. At least that is what I think about it, and how my wife and I instructed our then young daughter regarding some family member's 'special friends'.

I pray that your marriage is restored long before the 90 days are up.

All the best,
Gimble

Hi, Pebbles.

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1) Have the divorce papers served at WH's work, then present him with my PBL a few days (or so) later.
=======================

If the papers don't require a signature, then I like the first choice, only send the Plan B letter via certified mail as opposed to handing it to him. I do suggest that you go dark the second he is served. He is going to want to talk about why all this is the right thing to do.

If the papers require his signature, then wait until he has signed before giving him the Plan B letter.

My $0.02 worth,
Gimble

My children have been taught to always address married women as "Mrs. Lastname." When we have discussed their dad and his relationship, I always refer to her as "Mrs. Lastname," as is proper and appropriate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This is how I feel, too. If the time comes when they must meet her, I will tell them they must not be disrespectful to Mrs. Lastname (call her names, stick their tongues out at her, etc.), but they do not have to hug her or obey her as they would a parent.

Thank you, Gimble. I pray that every day. Also, thank you for your input on the timing of delivering the divorce papers and Plan B letter. I am pretty sure he will have to sign the divorce papers. They will be delivered by a process server.

Can you elaborate on this, Pebs? I'm confused.

Is it that the intent to recover the marriage - as explained in the PBL - contradicts filing for divorce? Doesn't the divorce paperwork spell out that divorce is being sought for continuing adultery and that if it ends than divorce isn't necessary? Or is the divorce filing sanitary on this? What is your basis for the divorce filing?

Seems to me that the divorce filing can be entirely compatible with Plan B, recognizing that the filing is required to secure certain legal protections for you and the children - no other vehicle exists to do this in your state. You have no choice.

WAT

I think that you should do this. I would also ask him when he will be adding the children back on the health insurance as per the agreement and point out that they are currently going without any coverage. As his parent, he would have to pay any medical expenses out of pocket. Does he really want to do that?


Pebbles, I think you should have him served with D papers at work and then send him the Plan B letter a couple of days later. That would give you an opportunity to tell him that you do not want a divorce, but felt compelled to file because he had cut off financial support. I think its important that he understand you are not doing it to punish him. The idea is to make sure that you go into Plan B on the best terms possible.

I live in California, WAT, the land of no fault. There are only two boxes to check on the divorce paperwork, either that divorce is being sought for 'irreconcilable differences' or 'reason of mental defect or insanity.' In my case, I had no choice but to check the box for 'irreconcilable differences.' Nothing can be added stating my true reasons for filing, and adultery will not be mentioned anywhere in the paperwork. WH will receive the D papers and a summons that says I am suing him for financial support.

So, if one were to go by just the paperwork WH will receive it would appear that I want out of the marriage and I want to sue him for money. That is why I want to explain in my Plan B letter that I do not want a divorce and I feel I have no other choice but to file for divorce to ensure financial support. I have told WH more than once that I want to reconcile. He might be happy about me filing for divorce, but he will be upset about me suing for financial support. I am sure he will think I am punishing him.

Yes, I have no other choice. I have to file for a divorce in order to obtain court-ordered financial support. Since he refuses to support us of his own accord, a court order is the only option available to me. Of course, he will think I'm just being vindictive.

Thank you, MelodyLane, my exercise vidiot sister <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, I appreciate your input. I do want to make sure he understands that I am not doing this to punish him. I want to go into Plan B with him having memories of me being kind to him, not with memories of me being a vindictive b*&%$. So, do you think I should tell him in person, orally, after he receive the D paperwork, before I give him the Plan B letter?

Pebbles, I just finished an upper body [censored] whooping with Cathe! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> She is one bad hombre!

What do you think of this? When he is served the D papers, have some talking points prepared, something like:

I am sorry you are so upset, dear. Please understand that I do not want a divorce, I want our marriage to work. In the meantime, I have to make sure our children have financial support since you have withheld support.

Say this to him over and over and again and be as pleasant as possible. THEN, a week later, mail him the Plan B letter. A week should give you plenty of time to assure him you don't want a divorce and are not punishing him. I think the D papers will give him a much needed jolt. The Plan B letter a week later will enhance that reality check.

Are you prepared to go into Plan B? It usually infuriates the WS at first and he will likely try to get you to break Plan B so he can get his Pebbles fix. Are you prepared for that?

Ah, Cathe, she's one tough chica. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It was TLP Core Cardio for me. I feel so empowered working out on an aircraft carrier and hoisting a medicine ball around.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

MelodyLane, I'm not even sure that he will call me and talk to me after he is served with the paperwork. He might turn the tables and 'go dark' on me. So far, he has usually been the one initiating contact. I have only called him a couple times, the kids have never called him. I like your idea about repeatedly telling him why I filed the papers.

Am I ready? No...yes...maybe...I guess I'll have to be. Maybe I'm a bit of a masochist. I kind of look forward to his calls and visits, even though they are painful for me. I even kept one of his messages on the answering machine so I could hear his voice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />, until my son helpfully cleared all the messages.

My biggest fear is that it won't bother him when I go dark, or that he'll be relieved not to have to deal with me any more. He has repeatedly said that he wants a divorce as soon as possible (even though he is the one who keeps delaying everything). I guess Plan B is the way to insert more reality into la-la land and find out what he really feels.