OK, I understand.

Seems 'reason of mental defect or insanity' is appropriate, since there's no check box for 'alien abduction.'

WAT

I looked for the 'alien abduction' check box, but it was nowhere to be found. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> There was also no check box for 'head stuck up hiney.' Sadly, to check the mental defect or insanity box I would have to supply proof of a diagnosis or proof of irrational behavior. Apparently California law does not see abandoning one's family (physically and financially) for a skank as irrational behavior. So, when it all comes down to it, it will look like I want a divorce because of irreconcilable differences.

Guilt is a many spendored thing. I opened the Mother's Day gift WH took the kids out to shop for Wed. evening. It was very sweet, even thoughtful. When I thanked the kids, I asked them if they picked it out all by themselves. My daughter said, "We helped a little. Dad did most of it."

Now I'm depressed. This seems like something my H would have done, before. He always made a big deal out of Mother's Day, breakfast in bed, flowers, taking us out to dinner, etc. Now I think of him spending the day with his MOW. She is a mother, although her son lives with her husband (she left them, but lives with them from time to time). She probably has her son with her today. WH is probably making a big fuss over her and treating them nicely. Of course, I have no idea what is really going on, my betrayed spouse mind is running loose.

We haven't heard from him since Wed. He usually comes over on Sundays to work on things and see the kids, but today no word at all. I am thinking of calling him later today and thanking him for helping the kids choose a gift for me.

I know I shouldn't try to understand what he is doing or what he is thinking, because it doesn't make sense, but I sure wish I could.

Oooooooh no, I betcha it isn't going like that at all, Pebbles. He is probably sitting there feeling homesick and realizing how weird it feels without you and the kids. The holidays are usually a big splash of reality for a WS. I wouldn't call him at all, don't deprive him of his homesickness. I bet he is feeling very homesick today and you will hear from him tonight or tomorrow.

MelodyLane, I hope you're right. I hope he is sitting in his apartment all alone, wondering what we're doing. Many posts back, Gimble said that the whole affair is probably so much less than what I imagine. I would like to think that is the case, because in my imagination he has replaced every part I had in his life with 'her.' I sometimes wonder if he even thinks about me at all.

***Edited to add: Hmmm, since MOW is not even in the process of divorcing, according to her husband, I wonder if my WH spends any time with her son (who just happens to be a few months older than our son). Maybe she was with her son for Mother's Day and WH was not with them. But again, what do I know??****

I didn't call him today. He never called. The kids and I did go out to dinner with my parents and sister for a couple hours this evening. WH has taken to calling the home phone and not leaving a message or trying to reach me on my cell phone if there is no answer. He could have called during that time, but I doubt it.

He is going to have to talk to me sometime about planning when the kids will start spending Wednesday nights and every other weekend with him. I wonder if the nasty surprise he must be planning for me has something to do with that. I would think that since he supposedly misses his kids so much, he would be in a hurry to plan the overnights????

Hang in there Pebbles. You sound like a wonderful strong mother. Revel in the love of your kids. Try not to think about what WH is doing. Your mind can make it much worse than reality. Plus your husband didn't just abduct your kids. I set out Stargazer lillies and wine for my wife for Mother's day before I left. She left everything, but took the His Needs Her Needs book.... and our son!

Thanks, Sleepless. My daughter hugged me today, umprompted, and said, "I know you always love me, Mommy. I love you, too." My son, who is bigger than I am, sat on my lap and cuddled me. It was cute, until my legs fell asleep. WH is missing out on all of that. I pity him.

I do have an active imagination (you think?). And you may not have noticed (ha, ha), but I tend to overanalyze things. I can't help wondering what he is up to, though. I wish I had a spy. Although, some of what he is up to might be too nauseating for a family audience.

I can't believe she really did it! She must be desperate. I read in your thread that you have Homeland Security after her. That should bring her down to earth pretty quickly. Yes, at least I have my kids. I thank God for that. I hope you have your son back soon!!

I just had a thought (take cover). By the time the divorce papers are ready to be served later this week, and if I wait a few days after that to send the Plan B letter, it will be my 40th birthday. Happy(?) birthday to me. I guess it will be my 'B'-day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hey there Pebs

Just had an addition to the PBL...is there any way you can define a little clearer what recomittment to the M would look like to you? You mention NC and recommitment to the M...but that could mean different things to different people, and too many a BS have accepted too little because they weren't clear...

I'm thinking of you.

Interesting the way DD and DS reacted to the visit with DWH. DD may want to suck WH dry, and DS may resent the way WH is trying to buy them off. In the words of Dr. Phil "Be a soft place for them to land..." when they come home...no pressure...

Bam Bam WILL come around SOMEDAY...it may be tomorrow, in 6 months or in 16 years. It is COMPLETELY up to you what YOUR plan is...how long you will wait...how you will live your life in the meantime...waiting around? or being a better person? I vote being a better person?

That doesn't mean not to look back...but going forward while you are FACED forward, and not going forward while you are facing backwards...you may trip and fall.

COncentrate on those lovelies you share a household with...don't let thoughts of strategy and impending doom of hte MOW and WH invade your space. Make decisions based on what is best foryou and the kids. Take the love you have for him and lock it away...keep it safe and secure...it is small and fragile...

Sounds like me. Are you an engineer?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


On the bright side, my 40th was spent flying to Paris to have a really weak party thrown by the OM and my WW. In retrospect, I got nauseus! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Sorry. It kind of sounds like I'm holding a pity party. Just perspective. You need to treat yourself. Where in California?? I have a house in San Pedro. You should be able to buy yourself a nice Crab or Lobster, maybe a steak. A good beer, bottle of wine or sparkling cider and do something you would normally never do! That's what I'll be doing for Father's day.

Oh, I can relate to the 40th b-day/d-day thing.

I was not dreading my 40th, as many do. I did that right after #39...thinking about it coming up etc. Did all the thinking and stuff in advance.

Shortly after 40th b-day was d-day and found out the first time for the A was the one or two days before my 40th. GAG!

And then the next month I found out I had to have surgery...huge mass...maybe cancer etc...waited a week to find out it wasn't...blech! what a horrible time. And it was around the time of our 20th anniversary too. It was not the memory I wanted for those two milestones.

StillHere, I agree that I should make the meaning of recommittment more clear. I'm not quite sure how to word it. WH still says that he has absolutely no interest in reconciliation, so I didn't want to overwhelm him. Do you have any suggestions how to word it clearly but not in a controlling fashion? I am also adding to the first paragraph that I did not file for divorce and court-ordered support as punishment, I did so because it's the only way I can be sure of having financial support for the kids.

Thank you. I really appreciate your kind thoughts and advice.

Well said. I think Plan B will help me with this. It will remove me from the drama and intrigue and the constant wondering about what WH is up to. I will be able to concentrate just on the kids, my own life, and my job (which will be very busy the next few weeks). It is fascinating to me, though, how such a seemingly good, moral man could change so much. It's almost like driving past a car accident - I'm horrified to look, yet I can't tear my eyes away.

Nope, I teach fourth grade. I guess there is some amount of engineering involved. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I teach 9- and 10-year-olds how to do long division and how to find the main idea of a paragraph, among other things. Only 17 days of school left until summer vacation!!

I'm in the central Central Valley, the land of fruit, nuts, fault lines, and no-fault divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Some friends from work are going to take me out to dinner for my birthday. It should be one of the first overnights the kids have with WH (my birthday, no kids <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ). Wine will definitely be involved. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there, Sleepless. I admire you for being able to keep your sense of humor (as well as your sanity) with all you have going on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

marriedandlonely, you sure had a lot to deal with around the time of your 40th birthday, even surgery! I really don't have a problem with turning 40. I feel 25 inside, and I'm told I look about 30 on the outside. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I never felt 'old' at all until D-day and what has followed. I found my first gray hair the other day. I have blonde hair, so I'm telling myself it looks like highlighting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> And now I have these lovely dark circles under my eyes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Oh well, things have to get better from here, right?

I have some questions about executing social situations during Plan B. These may have been covered on the board, but I can't find them so I'd appreciate any advice.

There is a spring musical and open house next week at my and our daughter's school, possibly after Plan B has begun. I invited WH. Everyone at school knows our sordid story (small school). If WH attends, I will have to see him, I am his daughter's teacher. Maybe he won't attend. He even tried to hide (it seemed) from our next-door neighbor when he came to the door while WH was visiting. I would think he would want to be there for his daughter, though.

The week after that is our son's 8th-grade graduation. I invited WH and his parents. Most of our son's friends' parents know what is going on. I will be there with my parents and sister.

How do I handle Plan B and contact with WH in these situations?

Pebbles, I wouldn't worry too much about it. You want to try and avoid him as much as you can, but there are some events that can't be avoided. You don't have to sit with him or communicate him, though. If he approaches you, simply nod politely and walk away.

Am headed in to do my Cathe workout. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, MelodyLane.

The social situations will be very awkward for WH, I would think, especially the one at my school. There are people there who want to yell at him - or worse. And he'll have to face my parents and sister. I'm sure people will be whispering about him. He's going to have to have b*&&% of steel, or a head of steel, to show up there. Maybe he thinks no one will have a problem with what he's done, since he is okay with it. I kind of hope he does show up and it's hell for him, to show him the consequences of his actions and inject a dose of reality into la-la land.

I'm doing Cathe tonight, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles, I think this event might be just the ticket for Mr Romeo! It would do him some good to face some folks who know right from wrong for a change.

I can't tell you how disgusted I remain at your in-laws. What kind of people call themselves "family" who "support" a family member in WRONG DOING? What the hell kind of support is that?? That is like handing a drug addict some crack and calling it "support." That ain't support, that is cowardice!

Have you pointed out to your inlaws that their idea of "support" is not support at all? A loving family would help their son be his best, not his [/i]worst.[/i] A loving family would not enable their son to tear apart their grandchildren's lives. I cannot fathom sitting by idly while my son acted like an unmanly scumbag - I love my son too much to ever accept him like that. I suspect they would rather enable their son than risk his anger at them.

[/rant]

I think you hit the nail right on the head. Can you see where WH got his conflict-avoiding technique?

From what my in-laws have told me, they have only spoken to him two or three times since he left us. One of those times was the infamous dinner where WH showed up with his 'lady' (I use the term very loosely) friend. They are not a very close family. I have spoken to my in-laws more than WH has.

Well, Pebs, which Cathe are you doing tonight? I did Muscle Endurance, sans that silly Elvis-no-equipment exercise. I always skip over that one. Yesterday I did Cardio Step Mix [Firm] after having done only the elliptical for my cardio for the last 3 months and my calves are quite sore tonight! I didn't realize that step aerobics did such a number on calves.

Which is your favorite cardio workout? I think my all-time favorite is Cardio Step Mix. That is the most fun cardio I have ever found and I have done it so much over the years that my tape is pretty shot. I had to have DH tape it together for me.

You know, I just remembered when my last H left me in 1999 [20 yr marriage] was when I discovered home workouts. I threw myself into the Firm's Tough Tape and Volume 1. For that hour that I did those tapes every day, I would lose myself in my workout. It was the only peace I found for some time. Do you find some comfort in working out, Pebbles?