Ouch! That one hit the mark. I LOVE IT. You appear to be luring him back young lady. Plan A and Plan B seem to be the art of teasing. I don't think I ever got the hang of it. Not that most men do. I just don't have the legs for it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (Hey Gimble, that's a joke)

Glad to see you're on track Pebbles. Yes the kids watching TV on the bed sounds like a textbook.

I was planning to take WW to a baseball game with DS8 this weekend, but something went awry. Not sure what yet.

I'm interested to hear how Plan B goes.

SIS

Sleepless, you are now the master of the understatement. 'Something went awry,' indeed! You are handling your situation so well. I hope you're really feeling as strong as you sound.

Well, I don't know how much WH has been lured, but God knows I've tried. WH probably won't feel too warm and fuzzy about me when the the divorce paperwork and financial support summons are served Monday (I just found out Monday is the day). Somehow, I don't think he'll be sending me flowers and chocolates for my birthday next week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> That's okay, I'll buy my own. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Actually, I feel pretty much at peace right now. Through this whole mess I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was - and a person can survive pretty much anything, if there is no other choice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to caulk around the base of the shower this weekend, WAT! I went to the hardware store and everything. I'm sure I can figure out some of the fixit stuff, I've just never had to before. I will stay away from anything to do with electricity. The world is not ready for the ramifications of that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

That's what happened to me on Mother's day. WW discovered DS8 wasn't going to Paris and she went James Bond on me. Apparently all it took was a letter from a lawyer to me. She figured I was going to sic one on her and she beat me to the punch. I only had her prepare a counter to the parenting plan WW filed in the divorce. Now I really have to pay the lawyer and go to court.

Just be ready for the unexpected. It might not happen, but be ready.

For Father's day last year, when my wife was in Europe (no father's day) and she forgot. DS8 and I cooked steak and crab at home. It was GOOD!

You're turning 40?? Send me your address and I'll mail you something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

How did you get your kids to ignore your WH? I got a note from my 18 y.o. who is all torn up and he's got finals. He's more upset than me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Good job, Pebs - and don't put your fingers anyplace where you can't see 'em.

WAT

Oh my! My lawyer just called and said WH just got served the divorce papers and summons/court date for financial support at work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> How appropriate, on Friday the 13th. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I guess the financial support papers are in the middle of the stack of papers he was served, so he may not have noticed them yet. He may be happy about the divorce papers. Maybe he and his buddies will go out after work tonight to celebrate - or maybe he'll celebrate privately with MOW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Party now, WH, because soon you'll pay. Hmm, that sounded a tad bitter, didn't it? Being blackmailed into filing for a divorce, it brings out the bitterness in me.

Gee, do you think he'll still want to come over this weekend to work in the yard? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

So, how long to wait to send the Plan B letter?

***********************************************************

Sleepless, I'm sure MOW will pull the puppet strings and get him to do something. But if I expect the unexpected, then it isn't unexpected anymore, is it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Umm, steak! I've never had crab, maybe it's time I tried it.

Sleepless, I'm sending myself a pretty flower arrangement and a nice bottle of wine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> My family (parents and sister) are taking the kids and me to dinner tonight, and my friends from work are taking me out on my actual birthday next week (Japanese food, yum). It sounds like I'll get to do some celebrating after all, even without my WH.

Actually, WH got the kids to ignore him all by himself. He doesn't call them more than once a week and sees them only once a week.

Your poor 18-year-old. This must be hard on him. I hope he is able to do okay on his finals. He is lucky to have such an understanding dad.

Funny, WAT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I learned that lesson from my weenie dog. She stuck her nose in a hole in the ground and got it scratched by some critter. I don't want to be touching anything I can't see and identify. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Another thought about WH getting served...I wonder what I can expect him to do now. Anyone have experiences to share? What is the usual script for this situation?

Hi Pebbles! They all react differently, but if he calls just remember to act sweetly and avoid lovebusters.

IF he brings it up, tell him that you love him and don't want a divorce, but felt that you had to file in order to protect your children's financial interests since he cut off financial support. Just keep saying it over and over again and don't let him bait you into a fight.

If he doesn't bring it up, I wouldn't bring it up. Just act as normal as you can. I do hope you are not home when he returns the kids on your big night out. It would be nice if he did not know who you were going out with. If he asks, just say a "special friend" and leave it at that. It would be nice to make him wonder. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I would give it a week before you go into Plan B. That will give you an opportunity to clean up any damage from the divorce papers and to assure him you a) don't want a divorce and b) are not trying to punish him.

I'm with Mel on a little delay for Plan B if you delay at all.

You may need to have some discussion with him in the aftermath of being served, but I recommend you not wait too long. Perhaps his reaction will help determine this.

WAT

There you go! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Here in Seattle, Dungeness Crab is really good. It's pre-cooked and shipped, but if you just steam it for about 10 minutes, you're all set. Just start ripping off the legs and dipping the meat in butter. Pretend it's your WH's legs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />


Thank you Pebbles. I've gained a new insight now. When I'm not trying to cover for my wife's inadequacies, it's easier to have compassion for the kids. She put him in a REALLY awkward place, and that's not fair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I better go before I hijack your thread.

Stay away from the windows Pebbles!

WAT and MelodyLane, I wonder if he'll even mention that he was served, although he must know that I am aware of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> This is so outside my realm of experience, I am at a loss as to what he will do. He is a conflict avoider, so he may not bring it up. On the other hand, he may be so angry that he wants to start an argument with me, in which case I'll be calm, pleasant, and explain why.

I can picture him consulting with MOW and his enabling work buddies to devise some plot to make me suffer. When he was here Wednesday, he said he would come over this weekend to fix some things. Wanna place a bet on if I hear from him or if he gives me the cold shoulder?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

MelodyLane, I told him I had 'plans' for my birthday. He didn't ask with whom, and I didn't volunteer the information. I am going to dress as I would for a night out with a 'special friend.' My work friends may be a bit surprised by my attire. I am usually wearing 'teacher clothes' when they see me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Maybe I'll ask my mom to be here when he brings the kids home. That would have the added benefit of being extremely uncomfortable for WH.

Who knows, WH may be so upset with me about the financial support that he decides to keep the kids overnight (it will be a Wednesday, his night), instead of just for the evening as we decided the other day, just to punish me.

I'm starting on hand-writing my Plan B letter this weekend. A short delay before sending it sounds like a good idea. I wonder if I will have the chance to discuss with him why I filed, before he gets the letter.

Sleepless, the lawyer told me I would be informed 'immediately' after WH was served. I wanted to joke, "Is that so I can keep an eye out for the hit man?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I'm still chuckling that he was served on Friday the 13th.

*Glomps Pebbles* Muhahaha I love it...god I wish mine could have been served on such a memorable date.....you go girl *high five*

Hi, Pebbles.

WAT said:
=================================
You may need to have some discussion with him in the aftermath of being served, but I recommend you not wait too long. Perhaps his reaction will help determine this
=================================

I agree. Pebbles, if he gets nasty, go dark and give him the letter right away, otherwise, I really like the week that MEL proposed.

I hope you dress up drop dead gorgeous and return from your 'date' right as he brings the kids home :-]

I strongly suspect he isn't going to like not being able to keep up with you. Fun times ahead.

All the best,
Gimble

My dear Pebbles,

As for the MOW being happy, I think not. See he isn't the challenge anymore once he is headed for D. Too much baggage that can't be avoided.

He can skip out on you with her while you are both M, that's the sicko kind of A fun WS' and OP's like to have. It is a dare escapade that gives them a thrill walking on the edge of sanity. Once you remove that edge, the fun of the A is gone. That's the beauty of going to plan B or serving the D notice - when and only when the BS is ready. If the WS does it and the BS is not ready, then put a kink into their plans by stalling 'til you are. Ok but you beat him to the punch on this and of course he isn't going to like anyone telling him what t/d since that is NOT what WS are good at. LOL!!

Use this shortcoming to your advantage and IMHO, plan B should start immediately. I may have a different opinion than others but the more low key and aloof you become now, the greater impact you will have on the WS.

Remember it is your H you want back, not some smelly WS who has stench of an OW hanging out of his pocket.

Plan A your H but plan B the WS. Make sure you are ready for the consquences (which you s/b already since you filed the D). Need to make sure you are not doing this with any other motive than to remove yourself and family from the WS and the A drama while protecting your financial and emotional safety.

If the WS grumbles about how financially hard it w/b, remind him he has a supporter called MOW (no 1st names, just last names like: Mrs. MOW). Tell him that she must be able to make up for his obligations and if the A was that important, surely he can make sure he gives your family their 'full value'. Try to ask him what his take is on your family's worth (u know, in $$ terms). Mine told me we were 'priceless', so I told him I'd settle for 1 mill and it went down from there. LOL!!!!

L.

L.

Pebbles...

wait and see what his reaction and do NOT react, LB, or be anything but gracious...
be noncommittal and perhaps not so available ...
but do not be overtly dismissive....

My opinion is to be very wary of plan B letters that follow too closely a big event like the serving of papers as plan B will lose it value and be seen has a knee jerk reaction and an emotional ploy...

greater is the impact if you can be somewhat plan Aish in your approach for a short time period...
and then plan B....

Plan B is not opting out of post serving papers chaos...

Plan is opting out of WS chaos....Plan b is direct consequance of WS behavior and choices....not of WS reaction to being served...

keep your eyes open.
feel the pulse of this aftermath..
weather this storm with calmness...
avoid all powerstruggles and emotional interactions...
do not rush plan B...

ARK^^

Hi, Pebbles.

Here is an excerpt from an article written by Willard Harley on this website:

"Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B."

Plan B helps you preserve something of the love that you have left for your hubby. If his behavior post serving becomes unbearable, don't hesitate to remove yourself from it. That is not reacting to his behavior in an effort to punish, but to preserve yourself.

Basically put, at some point in time, probably very soon, you are going to find it very difficult not to engage in 'love busters' with him. Rather than implementing Plan B after a blown Plan A, do it while you have something left, and a good Plan A under your belt.

Folks here can make good suggestions as to when that should be, but you need to decide based on your capacity for the abuse you are living with, exactly when the proper time is.

God bless,
Gimble

Orchid, thank you for posting.

This could be true. According to MOWH, she has done this sort of thing before. My WH is not her first affair, and obviously she didn't stay with any of her other conquests. Why MOWH doesn't divorce her, I don't know.

It was important to me that I serve him before he served me. I feel like it gives me some measure of control over the situation. The lawyer told me that he can file motions to speed up the divorce, if he wants, but I can file continuances and delay the proceedings up to five years (hee, hee).

Thank you for your input, Orchid, it is much appreciated. I just want to make sure that he still knows I do not want a divorce. In his anger, he may see me filing as being vindictive, when in reality I felt blackmailed into filing because he decided not to financially support us.

Peeeyew, something definitely stinks about WH right now. I definitely have no interest in Mrs. Lastname's boyfriend.

Good one! He has already grumbled about how hard it is to support us financially, when he has been giving us only about one-third of what child support will be, if anything at all. If his new life and MOW are so great, then the child/spousal support should be a small price to pay to be rid of us, hmmm? MOW should be happy to help him out, since they are so 'in loooove,' don't you think?

Thank you for posting, ark.

If WH stays true to form, he will avoid me for a few days while he consults with his enablers and MOW. I may not see or hear from him until Wednesday of next week, his visitation evening with the kids. Truly, I didn't file out of anger, just financial concerns, so I can be calm and gracious when I interact with him.

Good points, ark. I do want to make sure he knows I am not punishing him and I am not trying to be vindictive. I will wait and see, for a short while, what his reaction will be.

Just an aside: The last time I spoke to WH's parents, I 'mentioned in passing' that he was no longer supporting us financially. I told them I 'would do anything I had to do' to protect the children - financially and otherwise. I think they will understand why I filed. They are enablers, though, so their understanding may not be worth much.

Thanks, Gimble.

I will remember this. I have put much effort into my Plan A, even though it may be short, and I don't want to blow it. At this point, as detached as it may seem, the whole situation seems like some kind of weird game. I almost look forward to situations where he tries to bait me into an argument, because I get to employ my strategy of being pleasant and calm. I'm sure I won't feel that way forever, though. It will be interesting to see what his reaction will be to the filing.