Just a note on the financial support issue. Here in California there is a computer program that determines child/spousal support based on the last year's tax return. The amount determined by the program is called 'guideline' support, which is what I have asked for in the papers WH was served.

My lawyer told me that WH has three choices: 1) he can agree to guideline support before we go to court (cheaper - no additional lawyer fees for WH); 2) we can go to court and I'll get the guideline support (judges always go with guideline figures); or 3) he can ignore the papers and not show up in court, which will make the guideline support go into effect automatically.

So, whatever he chooses, he'll be paying guideline support (plus a large portion of my legal fees). It's California law. If he tries not to pay, the court will attach his wages.

We'll see what his enabling buddies and MOW (who are not legal experts) will advise him to do. I wonder if they will try to tell him there is some way he can pay less. They have been very 'helpful' in informing him of his 'rights' so far (mostly bad advice).

Pebbles, will you get considerably more under the guidelines? I find it amazing that he actually thought he could just end financial support. That is extremely rare to ever see any WS try to pull that stunt. I wonder if MOW told him he should cut off all financial support since you wouldn't let him take the kids?

MelodyLane, the guideline support is at least 3x what he has been giving us, when he has given us anything at all. I'm sure either MOW or some enabling buddies at work told him that pulling financial support would make me more compliant and desperate, so I would give in to any demands he might make. WH even sent a handwritten, signed letter to my lawyer that included a sentence about him no longer providing financial support. Dumb move. The lawyer is saving a copy to show the judge, if we end up in court.

Ha ha ha!!!! Wonder which 'advisor' told him to make that move? LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

L.

I have to admit, my respect for WH was knocked down a few more notches after he made this dumb move. I have always thought of him as being intelligent, responsible, and 'mature.' Some of the moves he's made are so obviously choreographed by someone else - not his style at all. He repeatedly promised me and his family that he would take care of us financially. I am amazed that he hasn't had the b#&&$ to stand up for what he knows is right and think for himself. Sad, really.

You know Pebbles, sometimes your situation sounds soooo much like mine. I keep up with your threads.

My husband did not completely cut off support, but it was reduced dramatically. His OW was behind it - she advised him based on her own exH's financial support obligations.

She told my husband he'd only owe a pittance. And thats about what he gave me. I mean really, if SHE only got X amount of dollars, why should he have to pay me more?

What she neglected to consider (or rather, she was considering!) that my husband made a heck of alot more than her exH, I had been a stay at home mom for 10 years, while she had been fully employed, and we had 3 kids, not 2.

The legal "guideline" in NJ, when our sitatuion was mapped against it, was a HECK of a lot more than she felt I was owed.

It was, in the end, yet another pressure for my husband to drop the affair and come home - he found out that fidelity to his wife and kids was alot cheaper than OW =)

Surviving, he'll either remember Friday the 13th as a truly unlucky day, or the luckiest day ever. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My lawyer called me early Friday the 13th to get a physical description of WH for the process server. She said WH would probably be served Monday the 16th. I joked with her that it would be more appropriate for him to be served on the 13th. She said, "That would be cool! Let me call the process server and see if he can fit him in." Gotta love a lawyer with a sense of humor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi, BrambleRose, it's good to hear from you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think my MOW is helping choreograph WH's moves, her and WH's divorced, enabling buddies at work. BR, our situations do seem to have a lot of similarities. My MOW is not divorced, but apparently she has been involved with other married men, so maybe she has experience in 'advising' them on how to handle their wives (gag). She sounds like a real prize.

I'm hoping my WH will be jolted into reality, too. I just want to smack him upside the head and say, "What are you thinking?" How could he possibly think what he is doing will turn out to be good?

Edited to add: I still haven't heard from WH. It has only been one day since he was served, but he usually calls on Saturday to make plans to come over on Sunday. Hmmm...

Well Pebbles, if it will make you feel better...my situation ended up rather...interestingly.

About 9 months into recovery, a public defender showed up on our doorstep looking for my husband. He was looking for OW. Apparently she follows her own legal advice, in addition to giving it to married men, which had gotten her into quite a bit of trouble. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

There was a warrant for her arrest - apparently she can't (at least last I heard which was ages ago) return to NJ.

These OW don't exactly have the best or wisest legal judgement. (Ya think?) Fantasy runs their lives, which is pretty funny when they try to fit the legal code to it.

So ... all the better for us BSes when we have to step up and defend our families.

BrambleRose, your FOW sounds like a real prize. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> She must have gone to the same OW law school my MOW took courses from. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WH called this morning to ask if he could come over later. I told him we had guests (kids' friends spending the night), so it would have to be late afternoon. He didn't mention being served and I didn't bring it up. I guess he still plans to work in the yard (shrug).

I have a lot of errands I need to run today. I was planning on doing them this afternoon, since the kids have friends over most of the day. Maybe I'll ask WH to watch the kids and I'll go out? I don't know how the kids would feel about that, though. I don't want to make them uncomfortable.

I wonder if he'll mention being served/the summons when he is here. I know, be calm, pleasant, and explain, if he brings it up. Would it be weirder if he doesn't bring it up?

Edited to add: When I first answered the phone, there was a really long, almost painful pause before WH started to speak. That has never happened before.

WH was here for a whole two hours. How nice of him to fit his family into his tight schedule - but it was his idea to come over (I didn't invite him) and it wasn't 'his' weekend to have the kids. He worked in the yard. The kids and I played in the pool. This time our daughter was the one who talked to him and our son ignored him (usually it's the opposite).

He did not say a word about being served. I didn't bring it up either. I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking him about it. Maybe he just doesn't give a darn? After he left, I noticed he had left a check made out to me on the kitchen counter. He didn't mention that, either.

As he was working on things, our daughter would ask him to blow up pool toys and do other things. A few times he said he didn't have time today, but would do it next time. He even talked about playing in the pool with us 'next time.'

It was all very pleasant and friendly, a very Plan A visit. Is he conflict avoiding? Happy about being served? Just weird?

What in the world is going on with this guy??????

If I had a marriage builder coach, I'd be learning how to talk to my husband about the elephant in the living room.

I don't know how to help you start talking without lovebusting with him about it.

This whole thing has been weird - Plan A has its merits, but when he's behaving the way he is, there has to be a remedy that involves direct confrontation that this isn't ok without exploding lava-rage all over him. Of course, I couldn't do it.

So I'd recommend a marriage builder coach, or at least a reverse babble expert to coach you - because NOT talking about this elephant is not healthy.

Pebbles, maybe he feels too guilty to bring it up, which is good. He knows he is in the wrong. At the very least, I bet it was a huge wake up call. You did tell his parents that he cut off fs, didn't you? I think they should all know that about him, even though they don't know right from wrong.

Are ya working on your Plan B letter? Please do me a huge favor when you write it? Keep it to 4-5 concise paragraphs. I think long winded, emotional novels are sooooooo counterproductive. They are counterproductive because a) your audience is emotionally detached and is averse to sentimentalism from the BS and b) the "point" needs to be clear in order for a fogged out brain to comprehend it.

You know how when a convenience store has hundreds of manufacturer posters and you end up seeing nothing because of the visual pollution? Well, when you put up only 3-4 posters, the customers notice it. I think Plan B letters are the same way, less is better and more just clutters up the scene.

Which workout are ya doing today? I am contemplating a brisk cardio on my elliptical while I watch Desperate Housewives. Cathe's Muscle Max really did me in yesterday!

KaylaAndy, it is a very weird situation. Really, it's almost like WH is afraid of me sometimes, even though I haven't argued with him or yelled at him since a day or two after he left. Maybe he didn't want to risk starting an argument in front of the kids?

WHs are a strange and unusual species of...whatever they are. Good luck with yours!

MelodyLane, I haven't decided yet. Maybe IMAX 2? That one always wears me out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I need something draining today to get my mind off 'things.'

Yes, his parents and one brother and sister-in-law know about him cutting off financial support. I haven't spoken to any of them recently, so I have no idea if they have spoken to WH. My BIL did say that he planned to talk to WH about how stupid (his word) it was to cut off financial support.

I hope it was a wake-up call for WH. I would think anyone would be upset by a summons to appear in court. The check he furtively left for me today brings him up to about two-thirds of what he will be paying in support per month. Why leave it in secret, where I would find it after he left?

I am working on shortening it a little, trying to take out some parts where I repeat myself without taking out anything important.

I'm so confused. I need to go sweat and jump up and down to loud music now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Been thinking about you and read here often.

Have a suggestion for the next time he comes over and ignores conversation entirely about the "Big D"...

Sit down with him and say something like...

"WH, I have been working with a lawyer to draw up financial support and D papers. I have been told I can't ask for legal financial support unless I also sue for D. THe lawyer has told me you were served with the papers last week. The family cannot survive without more money and it worried me when you said you would give us no fiancial support. I want to assure you I do NOT want this D, but I have to file to assure financial support."

If there are any ifs, ands, or buts then just restate the last statement.

Use your own words, but keep it simple...a few statements. And repeat, repeat, repeat.

Or you could CA like him...

Hi, StillHere!

Maybe I should bring it up Wednesday, after I get back from my birthday dinner out with friends. He'll be at the house visiting the kids. If we both conflict avoid, he may not still believe that I don't want a divorce, until I send him the Plan B letter. It seems like he always waits for me to make decisions and bring up the tough issues. I have told him several times that I don't want a divorce, but not in the last month or so.

Or, should I just not bring it up until I send him the Plan B letter?

I am still surprised that he didn't mention anything about being served - not a word. And does he think leaving me surprise checks now and then will make up for sending my lawyer a letter stating he would not support us? Is he thinking at all???

An oddly sweet thing: My school saves Campbell's soup labels to earn money. The class that saves the most labels each week gets 10 minutes of extra recess (which the teachers enjoy just as much as the students). When WH came over today, he handed me a bundle of soup labels without saying anything. Whether he did it for our daughter or for me, he didn't say, but it was kind of sweet for him to remember and save them.

Also funny, he's been eating a lot of soup, LOL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles, I have to say I agree with StillHere. This needs to be discussed before you go into Plan B to ENSURE he understands fully you do not want the divorce. I would suggest printing out her post and using it for your talking points. Call him as soon as you can so you can get this out in the open and dealt with promptly. I would do it over the phone tomorrow or tonight when the kids are not around.

I am hoping that your mother will be there to greet him on your special night out. I truly think this is an excellent opportunity for him to wonder about your night out before you go to Plan B. See, many WS' hold out in their affairs because they have this crazy belief that the BS will sit around and wait on them forever.

When they realize that may not be the case, it can serve to shock them awake. I think it would be helpful for that thought to cross his mind just before you go into Plan B. I am not suggesting that you lie about your birthday night, but just that you inject some mystery into it by not mentioning what you are doing. See what I mean? And this is the opportune time!

MelodyLane, listening to WH talking to the kids today, I think he might be planning to stay here at the house with them, not take them to his apartment. If he takes them anywhere, it would probably be out to dinner and then home. I guess I could ask my mom to come over around the kids' bedtime to take over for WH, so he could leave. Poor Mom. She hasn't spoken to WH since he left. It would be very awkward (but I know she'll do it, if I ask her to).

I took your and StillHere's advice and tried to call WH. He didn't answer, so I left a message for him to call me back.

I called on the cell phone his MOW got for him months before he left us, the phone I'm supposed to be able to reach him on at any time, in case of an emergency, etc. The last few times I've tried to call him, he hasn't answered. Actually, I guess I've only tried to call three or four times, total, but still...what if there was an emergency? I did find out his secret land line number (the one he hasn't told me, his parents, etc.), but I haven't used it yet.

Long story longer...if he calls back tonight, I'll talk to him about my motivation for filing for divorce. If he doesn't call back, I'll try to call him again tomorrow. It's hard to find a time when neither of us is busy at work and/or I am not with the kids.

Ick, I think this is one of his evenings with MOW. He always has to leave by a certain time on Sundays because he has 'plans.' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I'm trying to imagine the conversation with WH.

Me: I just wanted to make sure you understand why I had to file for divorce...

WH: (interrupting) I want a divorce.

Me: You've said that. I still do not want a divorce. The lawyer told me I can't ask for legal financial support unless I also sue for divorce.

WH: I just gave you a check.

Me: Yes. Thank you. It worried me when you said you would give us no financial support. We can't survive on my salary alone. My only option was to sue for divorce in order to assure legal financial support.

WH: (if he lets me finish the above) You're just doing this to punish me. It's not fair that I'm the one who has to give up everything...rant, fogese, blah, blah, blah....(no chance to get a word in edgewise).

Me: Well, I just wanted to let you know why I filed for divorce - only to assure legal financial support. See you Wednesday!

Yes, I talk to myself and rehearse conversations. What a dork. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for humoring me.

Edited to add: I could sure use some reverse babble advice, for this or other possible scenarios. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

you know.....mine always has to leave visitation by a certain time too....I know it's OW keeping tabs on his whearabouts....funny how he would never do that for me with his ex girlfriend...i was just paranoid...guess he learned his lesson to respect a womans wishes.....he even makes time to have lunch with her weekly...he would never do that for me....and he goes to church with her....he never supported me and would not go to church with me....only if he had to...like for my confirmation....funny the things they do with OW they would never do with us before....it makes you feel like you were so much less important.....especially when he chooses his life with her over your children......and you know what....makes me hate him even more for abandoning us....