Tonight had to be another huge dose of reality for WH. It was our school's Spring Musical and Open House. WH picked a great year to leave us, with our daughter being a student in my class.

I didn't see WH at all during the evening. I had to manage getting students on stage, etc. The teachers stand along the sides of our small auditorium during the performance, so no matter where he was sitting, he had an unobstructed view of me, whether he wanted one or not, LOL. I made sure not to look around to find where he was sitting.

Our son and his friends (alumni of the school) sat together, so WH was sitting all alone, wherever he was. A very handsome male friend of mine (parent of a student/husband of a friend), stood by me and talked to me during the performance while he videotaped his daughter. His wife was sitting down near us. He and I had to lean close together to hear each other. WH doesn't know this man, so hopefully it looked interesting, LOL.

After the performance, the parents are supposed to collect their children and visit the classrooms. After a while, our son and daughter and their friends came to the classroom, but no WH. Later I asked our daughter if she had seen her dad. She said he said hello to her after the show, then left. Our son didn't even see him. This is the first time WH has ever missed visiting one of the kids' classrooms at an open house.

I don't know if any of my coworkers spoke to him. I'm sure I'll hear about it tomorrow, if they did. Several wanted to make his life miserable. I think WH was afraid to visit the classroom because he was worried that my parents and other people who 'know' would be there. I think he was being a big baby. Is he planning to hide during school functions from now on? And last night he offered to sit in the back so I wouldn't be uncomfortable, LOL. I had a great time. I love watching the kids sing. I'm sure I had a goofy smile on my face the whole time.

Reality check for me: My daughter cried for two hours after bedtime because she doesn't want to spend the weekend at WH's apartment. I held her until she finally calmed down, then put her in my bed because she said that would make her feel better. My poor, beautiful baby, so stubborn, strong and tough on the outside, so tender-hearted and vulnerable on the inside. This is the child who says she "doesn't care."

I can handle it. I'll try the kiss on the cheek, if I can catch him, but he might duck out of the way and escape, LOL.

Hee, hee. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Gimble. I feel a lot stronger now than I have in a long time.

Hi, Pebbles.

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Reality check for me: My daughter cried for two hours after bedtime because she doesn't want to spend the weekend at WH's apartment. I held her until she finally calmed down, then put her in my bed because she said that would make her feel better. My poor, beautiful baby, so stubborn, strong and tough on the outside, so tender-hearted and vulnerable on the inside. This is the child who says she "doesn't care."
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I am truly sorry, Pebbles.

No stupid platitudes from me on how your "children will be better people because of all this".

Adultery sucks, especially for the kids.

Gimble

Hey Pebbles. You're not alone. My son told me he hated his life two weeks ago. I think I told you the story. He wishes we all lived together again in Seattle and went to baseball games together. All you can do is hold them. Right now my son doesn't need to be around his mom. She's WHACKED as the kids say. Hope I used it right.

Gimble. All you can say is that your kids will be better around a healthy Pebbles who identifies and rejects bad behavior like WH is showing.

My poor son loves everyone and everything. At age 6, he sat at the tomb of the unknown soldier at Arlington cemetary for 20 minutes in JANUARY watching the guard, and then praying for the dead "GI Joes". He hates France. But WW won't know because he's afraid to tell her.

Give your kids a safe place to go and grow. That's all you can do.

Dear Pebbles...

It helped my kids tremendously to attend group and individual therapy while the aliens had ahold of my husband.

The therapists helped my children understand that what adults did was not their fault, and that they were wonderful and special regardless.

They also provided my children with tools for coping with and expressing their anger and hurt. As much as I wanted to be the person that they turned too, I think I was willingly or not, part of their problem so it was really critical for them to talk to someone caring who was NOT me or my husband.

I am so very glad that I did that. I think your daughter, with her stuffed emotions, will pay the price for this affair, many years into the future if she doesn't have a safe outlet.

Good job again, Pebs.

Train wreck coming.

Boom Boom for Bam Bam.

What are you intentions regarding sending a copy of the Plan B letter to OW and your in-laws? Please see what SAA says about sending it to OP.

WAT

Hi Pebbles!

Thanks for the congratulations on the wedding (last week). I'm home from our trip now and have spent some time reading about situation.

I feel terrible for your daughter. I experienced the same thing when I was about 15 - I did not want to spend four weeks at my dad's place for "his" 1/2 of the summer. My mom forced me to go as if I backed out then the other two kids would, too (they were 13 and 9). I agree with BR that some therapy would be healthy for them. Most schools around here offer a counsellor for the kids, free of charge. What about your kids' schools? I understand that paying for a therapist is out of the question, but there is likely a way around that...

I wish you the best going into plan B. I haven't been there myself, so I have little to offer on the topic. (I like, though, that I can offer some insight about your kids <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Happy Belated Birthday!

Take care,
Cat

Oh yes....I didn't pay for therapy...

I found a family therapy program put out by the local county I believe....I got out the phone book and started making phone calls and thats how I found it. It was invaluable because I got to particpate with the kids thru half of each session in family activities.

I requested individual therapy thru the school system...got someone who was finishing up her certifications - she turned out to be a wonderful friend to the boys.

Hi, BrambleRose and Cat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am looking into some kind of counseling for the kids. They go to private schools, so nothing is available through the school. Maybe through church? I agree that they need someone to talk to besides me, someone not directly involved in our situation. I'll have to look through the phone book, like you did, BrambleRose. I've been so busy with just surviving that I haven't been able to put much effort into finding counseling, for any of us. Once school gets out (2 more weeks), I'll have more time.

WH finally got the kids some health insurance, as per our custody/visitation agreement. It's for emergencies only, with a very high deductible. We will have to split the cost of routine doctor visits, etc. I still do not have any health insurance at all. Thank God we are very healthy and do not take any prescription medications.

Thanks, WAT. I think WH may be experiencing the beginning of his train wreck this weekend with the kids.

I read in SAA about sending a copy of the Plan B letter to MOW. It does sound like a good idea, but very humiliating for me. Would I hand it to her at her place of work?

I would also be humiliated to send a copy to my in-laws. They have been supportive of me, to my face, but they have also been enabling the affair. They even forgot my birthday this year (not the first time, even though for 23 years they have always seemed to like me). Or maybe they decided 'out with the old, in with the new' and wanted to be supportive of WH and his new love (gag) by ignoring me on my birthday (my imagination running wild, they probably haven't even spoken to WH lately). I did tell my in-laws a while back that I might have to file for a divorce to ensure financial support, so they probably are not surprised.

So, do you really think I should send my in-laws and MOW a copy of my PBL? Just make a photocopy and attach a handwritten note of explanation?

Gimble and Sleepless, why do WSs have to be so delusional that they can't see what their behavior does to their children? My WH still thinks the kids are fine and that they will soon adjust to his new living arrangements, and that they will like MOW immediately and want to go on weekend trips with her and WH right away. Of course he thinks they're fine. He has only seen them once or twice a week, for an hour or two at a time. He doesn't even really know them anymore. If they are not 'happy' around him, he somehow blames it on me in his mind or blames it on them being tired, etc.

He came to get the kids this evening for the weekend. Both kids were very clingy for a couple hours before he picked them up. Our son told me he didn't want to go and asked me when he would be old enough to refuse visits. I told him his dad needs to know how he feels. Our daughter did her crying last night.

This was the first time I can remember our son openly defying his father. He refused to put on his shoes and shook his head 'no' when WH asked him if he was ready to go. WH looked at me as if asking for help. I busied myself with our daughter's duffle bag so he'd have to handle it on his own. Son quietly said 'no' a few more times, but finally stomped out the door and got in WH's car, slamming the door. Daughter went quite willingly. I told both children earlier that they could call me any time they wanted to, although I don't expect them to call.

Poor kids. They have only been to WH's apartment twice, for an hour or two each time. Now they have to stay there all weekend, until I pick them up Sunday evening. I'm sure no matter how bad things get, WH will not call me. He will not want to admit it to me if the kids are not happy.

I wonder how the visit is going. Is he showering them with gifts, videos, and video games to keep them content? Will they be able to sleep? I wonder.

With the kids away, I did have time to hand-write my Plan B letter. It is ready to be handed to WH when I pick up the kids Sunday evening.

I have to say, I'm not feeling very kindly toward WH at the moment. I am not a voodoo practitioner, but if I had a voodoo doll of WH right now I'd like to stick some pins in some strategic areas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

I'm sorry that you are hurting so. A wayward spouse's desire to include children in their deception is an effort to reconcile a feeling of responsibility toward their kids with a life choice that they know is wrong.

If I were having an affair, and my illicit partner said "I really want to meet your kids", that affair would be dead in half a heart beat. I bet that was your husbands first reaction. The problem is that he has chosen to try and feel 'normal' by proceeding with his choices, in hopes that he will feel better about it eventually. I am sure that John's wife has said as much to him.


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He doesn't even really know them anymore.
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And he is going to see that fact thrown in his face all weekend.

Don't worry about him 'buying the kids off', they know that what he is doing is wrong.

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WH looked at me as if asking for help.
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And you handled that well. He is on his own. You simply can't help him do anything regarding the kids. He stands or falls on his own. His choices, his consequences.

This is were it will get hard for you. You have to let him fail, and you will have to watch it without saving him. He has to make the right choices now, just like he made the wrong ones.

Get ready to go dark. Start studying about recovery so that you are not caught unprepared when he decides to clean his mess up. Learn what to expect, what to say and what to do, just like you have for Plan A and B. Decide what the stipulations are for his return. Make sure that STD testing is on your list. That is very important since this is not the first time his mare has been out to pasture.

Go have a good cry, pray for your kids, eat a quart of ice cream. Wake up tomorrow, and get yourself occupied. Maybe paint your bedroom a wild color and buy those flowery sheets and comforter that you always wanted.

God bless,
Gimble

I can't identify with your humiliation feeling, but that's a personal thing. Try to think of it, perhaps, as the opposite of humiliation - pride of your integrity? - that you're doing your best to do the right thing for all involved.


If you choose to do this, I'd just mail it to her. Too much drama to hand deliever it, IMHO.

As for the in-laws, I really recommend you think hard about doing this. I didn't and I wish I had, which brings up why I think it's important to send to both the in-laws and OW: the truth.

Sure, you've made it clear to your in-laws that you want to save your family. But you filed for divorce. It doesn't matter to someone who wants to believe what they want to believe that you had to file for divorce because of the legal process - the only way to protect you and your kids. The fact that you filed for divorce gives them a shallow excuse to continue to enable the affair - and if divorce eventually happens, that you were the perpetrator.

In my case, my former MIL went to her grave thinking I was not interested in preserving my family for the sake of her grandson because she believed the dribble spouted by my nutball WS.

Will they still make their rationalizations if you don't send them a copy of the letter? Probably. But it'll give them something to think about and it'll help your personal recovery if divorce happens because you'll have even more reason to conclude you did everything you could and even more rationale for having a clear conscience.

WAT

Two reasons. Your husband while in a fog won't care about anything but his own feelings when around the "drug". In this case MOW. My wife is doing the same thing. She forgot the pain she went through when her mom and dad divorced. In WAT's immortal words, "Sounds like their brains are up on the mother ship!" I got a reply from a FWW once too that said, we don't care about anything but the OM/OW, including our kids. It scared her to think about that now.

Secondly, your kids may want to still please daddy. They desperately want his affection too, and may try to hide their feelings to make him love them. My son flat out told me he can't tell mommy he doesn't like Paris because then she gets sad or mad. As confirmation that he wasn't trying to make me happy, he confided in at least three other people that aren't related to me. If they're interalizing, you'll want them to let that out through counseling or your own understanding. Ooops. Read the next paragraph. Looks like #2 isn't an issue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> In our case, WW hits when she's angry, and I think that will get DS to hide his feelings from mom.

I'm not really pleased with WW either. She's collecting affidavits from our friends who also happen to be co-workers. One of them contacted me indirectly to ask what was going on. My lawyer said I should tell them. She cried despondently to her lawyer when she heard I had revealed the whole history of events to three of our closest friends who also happen to be executives in the Federal government. Her dad even called to ask why I had done such a thing. Once I explained I wasn't being vengeful, he asked for more details in the mail and backed down. He'll get only what she already knows.

I sent a note asking my lawyer to tell her lawyer to explain to her that because of what SHE's done, all of her behavior will be on the public record.

The bottom line is I'm still trying to send warning signs from behind the restraining order to keep her from hurting herself. I don't like to see her ruining her career and making her life miserable. But somebody is going to have to point it out to her. If you can find some level of compassion for your "addicted" husband, it might help you. It might be easier for me because my WW behavior is FAR more eratic than your WH. I think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

When the kids are gone, it's time to do something constructive for yourself. Figure out those Game Cube games. Cook yourself a lobster tail with drawn butter, asparagus, some buttered new potatoes, sourdough bread and a nice chardonnay (something with a cork). It's a 30 minute meal. Go to a movie you can't see with the kids and get a popcorn and drink to escape for awhile. It's kind of fun. Hit the matinee, it's cheaper.

Remember the do fun things in Plan A? It doesn't stop for you in Plan B, you just stop inviting your WH along.

SIS

G-mans right. Kids don't want those things down deep. My DS8 doesn't want to play video games unless I'm playing with him. "Dad, come on, I need your help!" The stuff isn't as important as the parent doing the stuff with them. They may think the stuff is cool, but it doesn't last. It doesn't last for us adults either.


That's a new one. I'll have to write that down. OM19 had a pierced thingy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Hadn't thought about the STDs.

Gimble's obviously more in touch with his feminine side than I am. I'll have to work on that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> But having said that, what about a nice neck and shoulder massage at a local spa. That should cost about the same as the lobster tail! Sounds like you have some tension anyway.

I liked the quart of ice cream and praying though. Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia, and 'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil....'
It's not said enough sometimes, but IMHO Satan exists, and he's loving this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Don't give him the satisfaction.

God Bless

SIS

Hi, Gimble. I'm sure you're right about his motivations for involving the kids in his fantasy. He has even told the kids and me that "everyone will get used to this" and "nothing will really change."

Recovery seems like such a long shot that I hadn't even thought about being ready for it. I just skimmed through the recovery chapters in SAA, thinking they didn't apply to me. I should know what to expect, just in case (wow, I'm optimistic today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />).

"His mare has been out to pasture." That's funny, but scary. Who knows what that mangy old nag may have picked up in the pasture.

Good advice. Thanks, Gimble. Actually, I bought a flowery comforter, sheets, and a window treatment right after he left. Very feminine and un-WH. He noticed it when he was over. He said, "Why are you changing everything?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, WAT, for the advice.

I'll have to find a definite address for her. She lives with her parents sometimes, her husband and son sometimes, and other places sometimes. Apparently, she gets around.

Good point. WH could even play the victim, I guess. I do want them to know I tried everything I could to save our family.

Hi, Sleepless.

Actually, I do feel sorry for WH. When/if he comes out of his fog, he is going to be so embarrassed. Your WW's behavior is off the leash (as some of my students say)! Hang in there, Sleepless. It looks like she's digging her own grave when it comes to legal matters.

What's a cork? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I bought a bottle of champagne on sale at the grocery store yesterday. It will go well with my popcorn tonight. This has been such a tiring week that I'm looking forward to just staying home tonight. The dogs and I are going to watch funny movies with no romance and no hot love scenes.

True.

Eeeeewwwww!

Tense, moi? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Maybe a little. I actually have a gift card to a nice day spa nearby. WH got it for me for Christmas. I haven't used it yet because it seemed tainted, a guilt gift. I should go ahead and use it.

I agree, and I refuse to cooperate with him.

Now I'm going to pump some iron to loud music, do some laundry, and fill out report cards. Do I know how to have fun or what? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I just called the kids at WH's apartment to say hello. When I asked if they were having fun, Son said, "Not really," and Daughter said, "Sort of." Apparently, they have watched several videos and quite a few cartoons. Son said he played on the computer. Daughter said her bed was "hard as a rock." I wasn't pumping for information, just general questions, as if they had gone to a friend's house overnight.

Daughter said they went out today, to eat lunch and go shopping (of course she would want to go shopping, LOL). She listed the items he bought for her, a pretty good take. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I teasingly asked her if she was going to stay up late. She said, "I'm going to try!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

When I asked WH if everyone was having a good time, he said, "So far." I guess he has enjoyed watching lots of kids' videos and cartoons.

When I first called, our daughter was in the shower. She called me back right after she got out. I wonder if that was another dose of reality for WH. She never wants to talk to him on the phone at all when he calls.

I would love to be a fly on the wall and find out how it's really going.

Edited to add: Yikes! Plan B starts tomorrow at 6 p.m. The countdown begins...

Hi, Pebbles.

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Actually, I bought a flowery comforter, sheets, and a window treatment right after he left. Very feminine and un-WH. He noticed it when he was over. He said, "Why are you changing everything?"
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I like it! He is going to learn to like it too.

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When I asked WH if everyone was having a good time, he said, "So far." I guess he has enjoyed watching lots of kids' videos and cartoons.
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And buying all that stuff. I bet the kids really enjoyed taking advantage of the situation. I think it is funny that most kids will do so, and unabashedly at that.

A really nice thing would be for them to bring it all home, and not take it with them next time they go :-)

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Plan B starts tomorrow at 6 p.m. The countdown begins...
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I imagine that you are nervous. That is understandable. You are doing the right thing. He needs to find out that John's wife has no intention of committing to him.

There is no way for me to know for sure, but I get the impression that John's wife just wants to win, then she will drop him and move on to the next 'project'.

If I am right, then you need to make sure you are up on your recovery technique, because he is going to be pretty 'busted up' once he wakes up to the truth.

You can't fix it for him, but he is going to need your strength, hopefully soon.

God bless,
Gimble