Hi, Pebbles.

Hubby can see the kids during his alloted time, or via special request only.

Otherwise, he will be crashing the house on a regular basis - 'to see the kids'.

You did good on the locks. I like what your lawyer said.

All the best,
Gimble

Good points, Orchid and Gimble.

I will have to stick to my boundaries, one of which is no WH in the yard or house. All money matters are to be dealt with through my lawyer (as stated in my letter). He needs to contact the children themselves, if he wants to talk to them or arrange times to see them (also stated in my letter).

The gates to the yard do not have locks. I will need to go out today and get locks for them. WH has let himself in the yard before, to 'help me' by working on things. I can't figure out how to change the password on the automatic garage door opener (aaagh!). I will have to figure that out. The garage is where many of WH's beloved power tools live. They (the tools) are in my custody until the final division of property (ha, ha).

I didn't think about that, Gimble. One of my boundaries will need to be that WH must call ahead and arrange special times to see the kids, or else see them only on his designated visitation days.

Hi Pebbles,

You're doing a terrific Plan B so far!

About the kids....

Imo, there is a fine line between setting and enforcing your own boundaries and using the kids (even unintentionally) as pawns.

In your case, I would allow extra visitation that was arranged in advance of WH showing up at your home. He can call the kids and arrange it with them, the kids then check with you to see if it interferes with their responsibilities and/or plans, then WH gets visitation somewhere that is not your home, garage, or yard. Of course, the farther in advance WH makes arrangements for extra visitation the better chance he has of it not interfering with other things---a week in advance you could make allowances for, a couple hours in advance is a lot less likely.

If I remember correctly, the receiving parent picks up the kids for scheduled visitation. I wouldn't do that with EXTRA visitation because then it becomes a burden for you that could interfere with visitation opportunities that the kids might want. It would also make it less likely for WH to use visitation with the kids to influence/affect/interfere with your plans for yourself.

You're doing great Pebbles! It's natural for the WH to occupy your thoughts at the beginning of Plan B. You're not letting those thoughts turn into direct contact. Again, you're doing great so far!!

Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, LovingBoundaries.

You worded this exactly how I intend my boundary to be, but couldn't find the right words. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I also agree that for the extra visitations WH should pick up and drop off, so as not to interfere with any plans I might have.

I was just thinking. It has been six days since I last spoke to WH. That is the longest time in 23 years that we haven't spoken to each other.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles,

Not sure if this POV will help but you said it has been since days since you spoke with your WH. Then said in 23 years that is the longest time without speaking to him.

In reality, it is your H you have not spoken to in a longer period of time. The one who has been in contact with you is this newer strange WS character. I believe you were not married to the WH for 23 years, right?

So look at it from the POV that you have not spoken to your H in a long time. In a while (after his actions shows he is respecting your plan B), ask him to go find your H so you can speak to him.

take care,
L.

That is a good way to think about it, Orchid.

My H was a kind, loving, funny, smart, sexy, wonderful man.

WH is a dork. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add a big "hi, girlfriend!" to my vidiot sister MelodyLane. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The advice about setting boundaries and how to handle unexpected house crashing by WH is great. I do have another question, though. What exactly should I do when he knocks on the door without prior notice? I know I shouldn't let him in, or even talk to him, but what exactly should I do?

Do I just ignore the knock on the door? What about when the kids yell at me, "Mooooommmmm, someone's at the door!!" What if the kids get to the door and open it before I know it's WH?

I just want to be prepared for this very real possibility.

Hi, Pebbles.

Tell the children not to let him in without your permission.

If he shows, ask him to leave - through the locked door :-)

If he threatens or makes you feel unsafe, call the police.

You will do fine.

Gimble

Thanks, Gimble. I will do fine. I am determined. I just don't want to freak out the kids.

The unexpected visit may be a moot point anyway. I haven't heard anything from WH since he called last Wednesday and wanted me to call him, then again when he called three times Thursday evening but we didn't answer. Of course, he may have called or come by today. We were out quite a bit, and WH does not like to leave messages on the answering machine, it seems.

I may be flattering myself, but I thought he'd try a little harder to contact me. I know no contact is what I asked for, but I must admit I am disappointed. Maybe I'm just not all that memorable - an out of sight, out of mind sort of thing.

Our children are definitely memorable, though. I would have thought he'd at least call them. He hasn't spoken to our daughter in a week, not even to check on her poison oak or ask about her camping field trip.

At least the kids and I had fun today.

Pebbles,
Enjoy the peace while you have it. I know that it is so hard NOT to focus on WH. I can remember a time when it was so easy to live w/ my H. I KNEW him, what he would like, how he would react to certain things and I could always count on him to follow through no matter what he had to do.
He was such a comfort to me that I didn't focus on him and took him for granted. I don't think I communicated that comfort to him instead he percieved that I was unappreciative. Which is part of our problem that made room for OW.

I believe WH has convinced himself, that he doesn't love me and a future with me is impossible. This is not something that was easy. He had to work at it, working bit by bit, excuse by excuse to build this wall between us. OW has been helping build this wall. I've been chipping a way at it and then suddenly a patch is in place. Its a funny things about walls. You can build them defensively to keep people out but the higher the wall the more confining they become to the builder.

It sounds like to me your WS has built himself a wall. You've been trying to chip away at it and free him, and he keeps patching it. I think plan B will help him see he's created his own prison and he has to be the one to bring the wall down. Give him some time. He put in a lot of effort to build that wall.

Hi, Pebbles.

Confused42 made excellent points.

To add to that, consider how you would feel sitting alone in a small apartment. Inadequate lighting, the look of well worn and used to everything, even the walls.

Cheap carpet and the smell of damp musk, no matter how hard he cleans.

At night, the only sounds are of the air conditioning, the immediate neighbors bumps and muffled music through the walls. The occasional muted siren from a passing police car or ambulance.

No sounds of children, and when they are there, only quiet, reserved utterances. The appreciation as the 'worlds best dad' now mostly gone having been replaced by a lack of respect and trust; his motivations now always suspect.

I think that your husband is likely depressed and just beginning to realize what he has done.

For a while, he will hold his head up, and set his face, determined to walk the path he has chosen, but all the while his guts will be yelling at him to stop and to get his butt home to people that really love him.

You worry that you and the kids are not memorable, meanwhile, he runs away from what he knows is right and true, your memories as real as steel in his mind, and the sweat in the palms of his hands.

He is already having doubts that John's wife can fill the hole in his heart. He wonders if he will ever be a complete man again.

Let your plan do the work it is designed to do. No need to borrow trouble. Your plan is to take a break and isolate yourself from the all the turmoil, while saving a piece of your love for later.

God bless,
Gimble

Thank you, confused42, for your very insightful post.

This sounds exactly like what happened with us. We were so comfortable with each other that we took each other for granted. WH must have interpreted my comfort as me being unappreciative and disinterested.

Thank you for posting this. It gives me a lot to think about, and some comfort, too. I guess now it's up to him to decide to stop patching the wall. I just have to wait and see if/when it happens.

Gimble, that was positively haunting. I think all potential wayward spouses should read that post.

Judging by WH's appearance lately, I am inclined to believe he might be feeling the way you describe. I just hope he can connect his depression to the choices he has made, instead of blaming it all on me. I suppose it will take some time, if it's going to happen at all. Maybe without contact with me, he will see that his depression is still with him, as in 'wherever you go, there you are.' I hope so.

Thank you for giving me hope yet again, Gimble.

Pebbles,

I have nothing to add, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you!

Cat

Pebbles, Gimble made some excellent points. All those things will become very acute to your H right now because he can't get a break from the sleaziness anymore. He can't come back into your world for a temporary "fix" that diverts him from the truth of what he has done. That is why I was so adament that you not even have email contact with him. Even email contact gives him a small fix that allows him to endure the sleaziness a little longer and prevents him from seeing that John's wife can't possibly meet his needs alone.

Now it will get rough, Pebbles, because the stakes are much higher. He has now almost officially lost his family. Can she live up to that loss? Can she compensate for that massive loss? We will see. And almost always the answer is no, Pebbles. Especially when we are talking about a woman of low character who is untrustworthy. The lust will wear off quick and what will be there? It's doubtful it will be enough to compensate for what he has sacrificed. That is what usually happens and it is the beginning of the end. It is the splash of reality that Plan B delivers.

I hope you are ok, Pebbles, I have been thinking about you all weekend.

Your fellow vidiot! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, Cat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> How is newlywed life?

Hi, MelodyLane. I did Cardio Step Mix yesterday and I thought of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I am glad I took your advice about not giving him the option of email contact. Now he is totally cut off, except for my lawyer and contacting the kids directly.

He was served with the divorce papers May 13 and he has 30 days to respond. June 13 is rapidly approaching. WH has still made no mention of being served, not even to his family. Maybe WH will be relying on his enabling buddies' and MOW's sage advice, LOL. These are the same geniuses who advised him to send a handwritten, signed letter to my lawyer stating that he would no longer be providing financial support. I wonder what he will do.

I still can't believe he hasn't spoken to our children in over a week. His apartment is 10 minutes away from our house, our son has his own cell phone, and the children now answer our home phone. I can't think of a good enough excuse not to be in contact with the kids. I think about people like our own SleeplessNSeattle, who are working so hard to be with their children, then we have someone like my WH who so willingly throws his relationship with his children away. Although, WH may not realize his relationship with the children is suffering.

WH is supposed to have the kids this coming weekend, and he is supposed to have them for a visit Wednesday evening (not overnight because our daughter is still in school). Does he think he will just show up and the kids will be delighted to see him?

Low character, that's MOW. I wonder if she has started her own divorce yet, if she ever will. How could she possibly be worth giving up a loving family? Unless WH has changed so much that a person like her is what he wants now. Ick.

WH is missing out on some of what used to be his favorite things. The kids and I are hanging out in and around the pool, wearing swimsuits all day (he always liked when I wore a bikini all day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). We are grilling dinner and eating on the backyard patio and taking the dogs for long walks. What is he doing? Hanging out with his hag in his little apartment with no yard? Or maybe he is celebrating Plan B by taking a vacation with the skankylosaur for the long weekend and that's why he hasn't called the kids.

One thing I am thankful for is that he moved just far enough away that I haven't run into him (alone or with MOW) when I have been out. It would kill me to see them out together somewhere, especially if I had the kids with me. If I saw them together, holding hands at Target or the grocery store, I might just have to run them down with my shopping cart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, MelodyLane. I am trying to keep busy and distracted. I am sure it will be easier not to think about him as Plan B continues, at least I hope so.

Hi Pebbles!

Newlywed life is as expected... The same as before but more SF <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I accidentally used my maiden name today (it's only been three weeks, give me a break!) and my H teased me a little, but otherwise it's been pretty uneventful.

I've been doing my best to keep up with your story. Do you still want your H to come back? You must be a very strong woman!

I have to admit that reading through the posts on MB, I've lost a lot of the naivete that I would have otherwise come into the marriage with. It's taught me a lot about the work involved in keeping a marriage healthy, and also signs that signal that there's a problem. I know that this might be out of place, but stories like yours have helped me, and will help keep my relationship where it should be. I know that I certainly didn't learn the right things from my parents, but this site has helped me see what's good, not just what's bad. So thank you!

Cat