I'm coming down of my adrenaline high and it's exhausting! Tried to re-establish contact with DS18 today. Called DS8 this morning. That was nice. He seems to be doing OK. Wants his legos and baseball glove mailed over. I need a nap.

Hi, Cat.

In our custody/visitation agreement it states that he picks up the kids at 6 p.m. on Wednesdays. Starting next week, when both kids are out of school, WH will have them overnight every Wednesday and return them Thursday morning, plus the every other weekend visits.

I plan on having the kids ready to go when WH pulls up to the house. They can meet him in the driveway. He usually returns them about 8:30. This is the first Wed. visit since the beginning of Plan B. Before, he would come in when he brought the kids home and talk for a while. Not tonight.

Tomorrow is the last day of school!!! I will miss the kids in my class. I love those little monsters. I usually end up crying a bit when we say good-bye the last day. That said, I can't wait for a vacation!!!! I am so tired.

Sleepless, I imagine your 18-year-old probably feels awful for what happened before, not that it excuses what he did...but still... So, you finally got to talk to your 8-year-old without him being told what to say. Thank God! It's about time.

Both of my kids love Legos, even my almost 14-year-old. We have a Lego Mission From Mars set that reminds me of WH right now, flying saucer, little green men and all.

The preschoolers at my school walk by my classroom on the way to their nap room. I usually ask them if I can go with them. Today, one of my little preschool friends said I could nap, but he wouldn't share his blankie with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

WH just picked up the kids. I sent them out the door as he was pulling up, so he didn't have time to get out of his car. Our son came back to the house to hand me an envelope with a check inside. Well, I guess I will be able to buy the kids some summer clothes after all (it's almost 100 degrees here already).

I told the kids that when WH brings them back they should just come to the door by themselves. I told them they would do this so their dad wouldn't have to come inside and they would get to bed on time. Our son looked at me strangely, but didn't question me.

We'll see what happens when WH brings them home.

Edited to add: I was just thinking. The last time WH was in the house was my birthday, May 18. The last time we saw each other face to face and spoke to each other was May 22, the day I gave him my Plan B letter.

Replying to my own thread yet again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I just remembered how WH likes to leave checks in envelopes for me on the kitchen counter somewhere where I won't find them until after he leaves. I wonder if that was what he was planning to do this time. He could have just given the check to our son to give me when he came home.

I know this is a boring update, but it's all I've got. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Ha, ha, ha, ha! My kids crack me up! They are really working WH. I'm almost embarrassed that they are being so mercenary, but if it makes them feel better...

The kids came home from their visit with WH about 45 minutes early. He had them for less than two hours. WH respected my request via our son to let the kids come to the door by themselves.

I asked the kids why they came home so early. Daughter said, "Dad ran out of money and we got bored."

From what the kids told me, they convinced WH to take them to a pizza and games place. WH bought them dinner, then spent a bunch of money on game tokens. After about an hour, the kids got bored, so Daughter suggested they 'fill time' (her words) by... going shopping! Both kids (even Son, who usually doesn't want anything) came home with bags full of clothes and toys.

It must have been an expensive evening for WH, and full of meaningful conversation and 'quality time' (insert sarcasm).

And he didn't even get his house fix. It is WH's custom to come in the house after he brings the kids home and hang out with me while they get ready for bed. He then tells them goodnight and leaves. Instead, he let them out while he was parked at the curb, like a carpool driver.

I wonder what activities they will fill their time with during their visit at WH's apartment this weekend? I hope WH has been working overtime to afford it, LOL.

I wonder if any of this is sinking in? Or does he still not get it at all?????

I am a lurker mostly, but wanted you to know I follow your thread religiously. I hope everything works out for you. I am very proud of you. You have handled a difficult situation with class.

Can you describe your Plan A to me? I was not here much when you did it.

Take care

Wow Pepples, you're going great!

I'm so proud of you for sticking to your plan B. What did you busy yourself with while WH had the kids?

Cat

Good job on the kids exchange, Pebs.

One note of caution regarding a subtlety you may not appreciate:


I recommend you be VERY cautious about allowing your kids to be messengers and delivery persons. A straightforward exchange as you described with the envelope from driveway to door may be innocuous. As it gets more complicated it's a recipe for big miscommunications. Please think about this and devise alternate ways to handle the necessary exchanges of info, money, etc. with your H.

WAT

I ask that all the time. My WW seems to think that I'm out to "get" her. I'm not DOING anything to her. Doesn't she get that all her unhappiness is due to what SHE's doing to herself. I just don't want her to drag DS8 down with her.

Will it ever occur to her all of the stuff she has, and getting everything her way doesn't make her happy???

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Improving.

Thank you! I hope everything works out for you, too. I don't post much on other threads, but I do read most of them, yours included.

My Plan A mostly consisted of trying to meet WH's emotional need of admiration and allowing him to be my 'knight in shining armor' as much as possible. I also worked on improving myself in the areas of taking care of the house and avoiding love busters. I got a lot of great advice here.

Hi, Cat.

Thank you. I can see how Plan B helps relieve some of the stress for a betrayed spouse. I was always nervous when WH would come in the house and/or talk to me, that I would say or do the wrong thing. Plan B takes off all that pressure.

WH didn't have the kids for very long last night. I only had time for a quick trip to the grocery store. I barely got back and ate my dinner before they were home.

Hi, WAT.

This is a big worry for me. I especially don't want my son to feel used. Do you have any suggestions for me, WAT? I always appreciate your advice.

Hi, Sleepless,

Amen. My WH still likes to whine, "It's not fair that I am the one who has to give up everything." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I hope some reality is getting through that thick skull of his. Maybe I need to make him an aluminum foil hat so the alien mind-control messages can't get through.

I have often thought it would be interesting to have a spy to let me know what WH is up to. Well, I got my wish! A friend from work was sitting in the booth across from WH and the kids last night at the pizza and games place. She works with children, like I do, so she was interested in the interaction between WH and the kids. I know, in Plan B I'm not supposed to be checking up on WH or caring about what he is up to, but I'd be lying if I said I don't care.

The friend from work is not someone WH would recognize. She has only seen him once or twice before. The kids know her, but they said they just waved at her and didn't talk to her.

The first thing my friend told me was, "I didn't realize your husband was so much older than you are." WH is only two years older than I am, by the way. She said he looked like a very unhappy person, eyes downcast, serious expression, not laughing, etc. She said that the kids talked to each other, but there was very little interaction between WH and the kids. She thought it was strange that they ate and left so quickly.

WH used to be such a great dad. I was so proud of him. He and the kids were so comfortable together and our family enjoyed spending time together. Now WH takes the kids to amusement-type places and spends lots of money on them, but they don't seem to be comfortable with each other. I worry about how this weekend will go when the kids have to be with him for two days and nights - without me to run interference or facilitate conversation. They'll probably watch a lot of T.V. - and go shopping, of course.

I wonder if WH is any closer to hitting rock bottom. Even people who don't know him very well can see that he is not a happy man. It's too bad WH doesn't get it.

Edited to add: Today was our daughter's last day of school. She was awarded a plaque for earning straight A's all year (only three awarded in the whole class). Her father wasn't there to see it, the dork.

Barging in here. I agree with WAT. As a child of divorce who was responsible for passing checks and "messages" (such as "Tell your father he is late paying his child support."), it is not a nice place to be. With Plan B though, I do not know how you would let WH know your desires in this area without breaking NC.

THat man is gone now. He may reappear one day, but that's up to him. You can't help him now.

I think in Plan B, you'll need to figure out a way to handle transfers without contact. Maybe a drop box at the house with a lock. Maybe if you don't send messages back through the kids, he'll stop sending them.

Hi, Improving and Sleepless.

The very last thing I want to do is make my son feel like he is caught between WH and me. I have tried so hard not to say anything disparaging about their father to the kids. The only messages I've relayed so far are things I would ask my kids to tell a friend they were visiting, such as what time to be home, let me out at the curb, etc.

I think WH expected he would come in the house when he picked up the kids and he would leave the check on the counter. He used to stay for a few minutes while the kids finished getting ready to go and we all talked for a while. He was probably surprised when the kids met him outside, even though I said that is what they would do in my Plan B letter. WH knows my address (sigh, he used to live here), he could easily mail me checks or whatever else he needs to give me. I need to get a message to him about that (not through our son). Suggestions??

I was just thinking, WH is probably way out of date on what is going on in the kids' lives. I always filled him in on what they were up to in the conversations we had when he picked them up or visited the house to 'fix things.' Apparently, the kids don't tell him much and WH doesn't ask.

Tomorrow I get to make the kids pack their things and be ready at 6 p.m. for their weekend visit.

I am exhausted - from the end of school, the WH situation, taking care of the kids and the house all by myself, everything. When do I get a hero to fight for me, the way I have to fight for everything these days?

Thanks for putting up with my whining. It must get tiresome reading my long, pitiful posts. This is the only place I feel like I can be weak and selfishly whiny. In real life I have to appear to be capable and pulled together.

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
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Tomorrow I get to make the kids pack their things and be ready at 6 p.m. for their weekend visit.
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So, let's have some fun with predicting behavior. I predict that this visit, or the visit after this one, the kids will pack things to entertain themselves with, none of it the stuff they bought last visit.

They have to be getting bored with him buying stuff soon, or he will run out of money :-)

What kind of projects do you have lined up for the weekend?

All the best,
Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

I predict that your prediction is right on. Daughter already asked me if she can pack the Game Cube, for "something to do." The things WH bought them the last weekend visit and last night are already blended in with the things the kids already have in their rooms.

WH has complained repeatedly that he can't afford to financially support us with the guideline amount the court will order. I'd prefer he give me a check to buy groceries and health insurance, rather than buying the kids more toys to add to the junk in their rooms. He'll have to come up with some other activities. Too bad he can't ask me for suggestions, LOL.

Since you asked... My next-door neighbors on both sides will be gone, as will the kids, so this may be the all-over tan weekend (as tan as one can get with 30+ sunblock, LOL, high UV index here). I think I'll have a mental recovery weekend consisting of reading, maybe a Robin Cook medical mystery or two, skinny-dipping (no kids to embarrass), mindless comedy movies, and dinners of whatever I feel like. I'm thinking of trying Sleepless's grilled salmon recipe. I may plant some flowers in the back yard, too. At the end-of-year teachers' meeting tomorrow, I may see if anyone wants to do something. One of the younger teachers (she's 25) has been trying to get me to go clubbing with her.

I feel better now. Thanks, Gimble. I could still use a hero, though. I guess I'll have to be my own hero. Cinderella has left the building...