OUCH!! At least we're not alone in our betrayals!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi, confused42.

Wow, your alien must come from the same planet mine does, probably the planet Uranus (insert 9-year-old snort). They seem to be sharing the script - and the brain. I wonder which one of them is using the brain tonight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

'Neak, thanks for the garlic remedy. I'll hang on to it. My grandma swears by home remedies, too. She is always telling me to make some kind of noxious tea or paste of something, which usually always works.

The burn seems to be healing. I've been pouring on the hydrogen peroxide (shudder - it feels like the bubbles are boiling down to the bone). I've also been putting on Neosporin. It is oozing much less and seems to be drying up (all you wanted to know and a touch more, LOL).

Hi, Alphin and Gimble.

The garlic-eater reminded me. I won a jalepeno pepper eating contest in college. For a day or so afterward, whenever I would talk to someone their eyes would water. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Sleepless.

Thanks for the advice about the burn. It seems to be a second-degree burn, from your description. I don't think I'll need to do a home amputation - this time.

I think you're right about that (her not finding happiness in her present state - and you being awesome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />).

You too? I had a message from WH that I listened to repeatedly, just to hear his voice, until my son erased it with the other old messages.

Well, apparently our marriage wasn't as ideal as I and others thought it was. I just thought our marriage got a little stale in the last year or so, lacking a little in excitement, because of being busy with work, etc. WH was busy all right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I can tell from some of the dates with your wife and other things you describe that your marriage had good times, too. I don't think there really is such a thing as a perfect marriage (I especially don't think so now).

Thank you. The hope kind of fades in and out for me. I don't want WH to come back only because he's afraid of what I can do to him financially. I only want him back if he wants to be with me and our family. I want to be more than just the consolation prize.

I think you'll have plenty of material for a book, LOL. You sure have been through the wringer. I think you're going to be okay, Sleepless. I know it has to hurt, but you seem to still have your sense of humor and your wits about you - and you've got that Boy Scout preparedness thing going for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pebbles,

I haven't been writing to you a lot, but I'm still following your drama. At least the system brings me to new messages so that I don't have to wade through all the pages!

I'd like to hear what your lawyer says about delaying the divorce. I know that you want your WH to come around and love you again, but if he won't, then you need to count your blessings about the financial position he has left you in (assuming that the judge likes you).

When my dad left he avoided paying child support for two years in exchange for the house so that we would have a place to live (I have one brother and one sister). When the two years was up my mom brought him to court. He told my brother that he couldn't buy him the things that he had promised because my mom was sucking him dry. My mom, not wanting to tarnish the view we had of our dad, agreed to $51 dollars a month TOTAL for three kids! That way my dad would get my brother a TV as promised. She struggled for a long time because of that arrangement. When she decided to go back to school she went on family benefits (similar to welfare) and they took my dad back to court (the more my dad paid, the less the gov't had to pay). They got $400+ for her.

I repeat, count your blessings! If your original wishes go through unchanged, then you won't have to worry about only getting $17 per child in support!

Cat

Hi, Cat.

Amen. What I want most (much more than money) is to have my family back together again. If I can't have that, then getting the very best settlement possible will be some consolation.

Oh, my! How could anyone live on just $17 per child in support! That must have been so hard. We'll be getting a whole lot more than that. Since WH defaulted on the divorce and sent that letter to my lawyer saying he wouldn't financially support us, I am hoping the support money can be taken directly out of his paycheck and deposited in my bank account. I've heard of that happening with parents who refuse to pay child support, but I have no idea if it could be part of my settlement. It's worth asking. Besides, it would save WH time and stress, he wouldn't have to remember to send those pesky child support checks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No, he'll just have to figure out how to spend the pittance that is left. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Once WH finds out how badly he has messed up his side of the divorce settlement, do you think he might try to come back just to save himself financially? If he came back and the divorce were stopped, he could stay just long enough to void the default, then go right back to divorcing and being with his MOW. That way we'd have to start the divorce proceedings all over again, with him in a much better position financially.

How would I avoid this? Not that I'm even thinking he would want to be around me right now. I just don't want to be played - again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add: Of course, this is Wile E. Coyote we're talking about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hi, 'Neak.

WH told me he was so broke that his MOW paid his rent for him one month. Good thing she likes to financially support him, hmm? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LOL! It is JMHUAIO (Just My Humble, Uneducated, And Inexperienced Opinion) that if your WH came back at all - this would be on your terms, including NC - that whatever his original plan might be would change as he re-established his place in the family. I'll be watching with interest to see what the experts think.

Pebbles, you wouldn't let him come back unless he convinced you he was done with the affair and demonstrated a new committment to your marriage. Just because he SAYS he wants to work on the marriage is not enough to let him come back. Even so, if he wanted badly enough to come home just to con you and the kids, I suppose he could. Ain't much you can do about that.

If he comes back, you grab him by the balls (metaphorically speaking that is), and explain to him how life will be..... No Contact, which includes full openess to E-Mail, phone messages, and a letter from him to OW, yada yada. If after 30 days of no contact he gets his brain back off the mother ship, you can talk about stopping the divorce. He can sleep on the couch until then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You're in charge of your faculties, not him. Stick to your guns.

Sleepless

Pebbles ~ here's the deal. It doesn't matter why he comes back ~if he is willing to follow a plan for recovery~

The way it works is, hopefully, you have learned to trust yourself. i.e..... learned that you arent crazy when your gut says there is a problem. Learned that your instincts, feelings and needs are valid. And learned that you are perfectly OK by yourself, and that you can take care of yourself.

If you have learned those things...and he is willing to do what he has to do...then it doesnt matter WHY. Because no one can ever tell you what someone elses motives are without climbing in his head!

So what matters is that you go into it knowing that you can't trust him, but you CAN trust you. And at the end of the day...THAT is what matters. You will sleep better at night knowing that if he totally "played" you, you WILL uncover it eventually, and you WILL have a plan and you WILL know what to do and how to care for yourself. Plan B is a good way of demonstrating to yourself that you WILL be ok without him...

That knowledge takes a tiny bite out of the fear of letting a hurtful person back into your life.

Of course...don't think I'm sayin its ok to take him back on anything less than agreement to MB and radical honesty =)

Thank you, 'Neak, MelodyLane, Sleepless, and BrambleRose. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I guess what I need to do is set up a definite plan for recovery, in case he does try to come back. I really don't think that he will, but I should at least be prepared. I am open to suggestions (hint, hint). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I do know some of the things I would require: NC letter, radical honesty, agreement to counseling, and STD testing. He'd definitely be on the couch (with no nooky privileges) until the testing comes back negative.

I do know that I can make it on my own, without him. And I suppose I really do have quite a bit of power right now. Hmmm, little ole me, powerful. Who'd have thought?

Some things have changed. His last few paydays WH has given me a small check. This payday, nothing, not even anything in the mail. All the other times WH has had the kids overnight, he has washed their clothes and fed them before they were returned to me or I picked them up. This morning WH brought them back very early, unfed, in their pajamas, with their things just shoved into their bags. The kids said he just woke them up and rushed them to the car. WH stayed in his car this time and did not come to the door. My daughter said she slept on the reclining chair in the living room again (where her brother sleeps on a fold away bed). Apparently, she refuses to sleep in the bedroom WH spent so much time and money (according to him) preparing for her.

My son said he reminded WH of the kids' plans this weekend. WH said, "So, neither of you will be here this weekend." WH will get to have our daughter Friday night, then drive her to and from her friend's house. Welcome to real life, WH.

It seems like WH is caring about us less and less as time goes on.

Hi, Pebbles.

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This morning WH brought them back very early, unfed, in their pajamas, with their things just shoved into their bags.
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Alright. Reality at last. I missed it by a couple of visits, but we are finally here. Your wayward hubby really is pretty stubborn.

Quote:
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He'd definitely be on the couch (with no nooky privileges) until the testing comes back negative.
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Please add twice to the end of the above quote.

Quote:
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It seems like WH is caring about us less and less as time goes on.
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Don't get fixated on this. He doesn't care any less than he did a month ago. If anything, the care is coming back. What he is spending all his time dealing with is himself. Right now, he doesn't have much room to care for anyone else, including John's wife.

I have been waiting on him to drop the independent facade with the kids. This is good. On some level, he has begun to recognize that you aren't buying into it and the kids aren't buying into it. He is now doubting it himself.

Having said all that, I don't want you to get all worked up, because I read some tea leaves. I do remember someone telling you a while back soon after your entry into Plan B to start studying recovery though. I hope you are doing that.

It is amazing how quiet, calm, and peaceful things are at your home, isn't it?

God bless,
Gimble

DO you think he's depressed? He should be.

You can't help him kiddo. He needs to hit bottom and claw himself out.... if he can.

Hi Pebbles,

I'm in Canada, so the system might be different here then it is where you live. If a parent defaults repeatedly on their child support payments, you can apply somewhere (wish I could remember!) and they'll send a letter to the company where WH works, and they'll deduct it automatically off his check. The only downfall is that there is a lag of a few weeks between when they deduct it and when you receive it, though that might have changed in the last few years with all of the new technology. I'll ask my mom about it this weekend.

I'm glad that your kids are able to participate in their activities this weekend.

Cat

Time is on your side, Pebs.

For the best opportunity at recovery, I believe he has to first crash. Do not deny him the healing experience that can come from a severe emotional crash. He needs it. No pain no gain.

WAT

Yes, Cat, we have that here in the states too. I've had to deduct back child support etc. from two former employees paychecks.