You see, I'm not sure about that. Possibly. My WW was guilty and crying at first, but then she thought someone was going to try and hurt her (me), and she struck out at me first. So now, she's actively defending herself to maintain the illusion. I only hope I can pop her fantasy bubble and turn her from the dark side for the kids.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WH really is out to get me. In the mail today, I got copies of the paperwork he sent my lawyer. He had one of his brothers serve (mail) the paperwork. It looks like he had another brother find an appraiser to do a drive-by appraisal of the house (the business address is next to brother's home). The betrayal deepens. I knew his family would support him, but to actively help him go after me is so hurtful. These are people who have claimed to love me for over 20 years.

I don't know what, if any of this WH will get, but he really wants my blood. Of course, I don't know how much of this is crazy. I won't see my lawyer until later this week or early next week.

For one thing, WH freely admits that he has not consulted a lawyer, because of lack of funds due to the 'financial demands of supporting two households.' He is demanding that each of us pay our own legal fees because I spent 'excessive funds on legal services.' I'm pretty sure he won't get that, especially since it is partly his fault my lawyer's fee will be so high (so many revisions, etc.).

He listed several credit cards as debts, with high balances, that he says he used for 'family expenses.' I don't even have those credit cards and haven't made any of those charges.

He wants to pay 20% less child support than guideline. He claims I am 'underemployed' by my choice, against his wishes. Mind you, this is a job we agreed I should take before I started it. He had some kind of official formula he used to figure an amount of support. It's not the formula the lawyer used in her office, so I don't know what will happen with that.

Just as an aside: One of the things WH told the MC that bothered him about me is that I 'wasted' my education to be home with our kids and that I was selfish by not contributing more financially to the household expenses. I always had a paying income. I worked from home for a few years so I could take care of our children. That's selfish of me? And, he agreed to what I did! He said he felt that I had misrepresented myself when we married (I guess as a potential moneymaker?). He was expecting me to work for the public school system after marriage (which I did, for some time), which would have brought in more money. So much resentment that he never told me about!

He wants to pay no retroactive child support since the date of separation because he says he has paid the mortgage (yes, one month - I've paid the rest) and he has given me thousands of dollars (must be invisible money - I never saw most of it). Some of this is delusional, but maybe the judge will consider it? Yes, I know, I need to get in to see my lawyer.

He is still trying to insist that he cannot provide financial support until the house is sold and he gets his share in the final division of assets. So much for the man who promised me (and his family) that he would never kick us out of our home and would financially support us as long as we needed it. I know he'll have to pay support whether or not the house is sold, so this is silly.

He is still trying to get out of providing health insurance for me and the kids. He provided some long reason, something about it being too expensive through his work. My work does not provide health insurance, by the way.

There's a lot more, and yes, it is worded very clumsily. It is very obvious he feels that he is a victim being persecuted unfairly. There was obvious venom behind the words. I could feel the hatred jumping out from the pages. I am thinking at this point that he wrote most of it himself, maybe with some input from his brothers and/or MOW.

Don't worry, I won't give him the satisfaction of calling him or calling his family to discuss this. I don't think I'll be calling his family at all, for anything, indefinitely. Part of this is like D-day all over again. How many times can he stab me in the heart? And now, getting his family to help.

If this isn't the way a man who wants a divorce acts, then how does a man who wants a divorce act?

Another wonderful gift from WH's leaving. My daughter has been having trouble going to sleep and staying asleep. Tonight she told me that she feels like nobody loves her. She then admitted that she knew I loved her, but thought no one else did. Hmm, any guesses where this feeling comes from? She also sleeps with the light mostly on and the door almost all the way open because she is afraid to be away from me. I reminded her again that I would never go anywhere without telling her first and I will never leave her. I tried to reassure her that many people love her, and named names for her.

Not coincidentally, tomorrow night is an overnight at WH's.

This is the girl who says she doesn't care about her dad leaving.

I have signed the kids up for free counseling for children of separation and divorce, but it doesn't start until August. WH had it stipulated in our agreement that he refused to help pay for any kind of counseling (I agreed to this so that I could have some of my stipulations).

Stupid alien. And he thinks the kids are fine.

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
=================================
So much resentment that he never told me about!
=================================

Exactly, and therein, lies the rub.

This is exactly why conflict avoidance in a marriage is one of the worst curses you can place on it.

He isn't out after your blood, Pebbles. He is angry. You have shut him out, and he has lost his power over you. He is simply trying to regain control, which he can't have, the legal system and your Plan B will see to that.

What you are seeing is a man in the throes of agony, for a multitude of reasons. Guilt, anger, love, spite, hate, desire, you name it. Any way you define it, it's a nasty mixture.

Do you remember me talking to you about desperate/grabby/needy behavior back during your Plan A? Well, that is what it looks like from the other side. Ugly, isn't it.

The only nice thing about all this, is that he is beginning to get desperate/needy/grabby with John's wife. That is a good thing.

God bless,
Gimble

WAT and Gimble, I really like the idea of deposing MOW and bringing her and her husband into this. It does sound gratifying. Unfortunately, my lawyer told me that since it's a no-fault divorce, affair partners and their spouses have no bearing on anything, unless they are convicted felons, abusers, or stalking/threatening me.

Hi, StillHereMakingIt.

I think this could be very to close to what is happening. I am sure he wasn't thinking this far ahead. Even in the papers I received today, he mentioned something about expecting to plan the details of the divorce together, as we did the custody/visitation agreement. When WH and I met with my lawyer, she asked me, in front of him, if I wanted to file for a legal separation or a divorce. She explained the legal differences between the two. WH stated his desire for a quick divorce, but then looked at me and said, "But I guess it's really up to you."

The financial end of it should be taken care of in court next Wednesday, God willing. I can file continuances to delay the actual divorce for up to five years, no matter what WH does. I think if we end up divorced, that will be the end for me.

Hi, Gimble.

I'm a believer now. I never want to be a conflict avoider again. The decision to work from home was not a unilateral one on my part. I asked WH's opinion and asked him if we could afford it. He agreed and said it would be good for the kids and save money in day care, although money would be tighter. Plus, he saw that it made me happy to be with the kids. If he was unhappy with what I wanted to do, all he had to do was say something. Major conflict avoidance.

Now that I think about it, I am seeing a pattern. WH tries to gain control by making some kind of threat. I respond by doing something legally. WH then feels threatened and tries to regain control by complicating the legal process. I do not back down. WH retreats for a while and thinks up a new threat. And so on, ad nauseum. But, how and when will the cycle end?

Yes, it is quite unbecoming. The distance in Plan B will hopefully help me hang on to the last shreds of love I have for this man. My respect for him is at an all-time low.

This hurts so much, though. It really is like knives being stabbed in my heart, bleeding out a little more with each mean thing WH thinks of to do to me. I'm sure that's his intention, to make me feel that way. And now he probably has his brothers thinking I'm an evil, vindictive, scorned-woman b*&%$.

Well, she can have that part of him. I don't want it!

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
=========================
I think if we end up divorced, that will be the end for me.
=========================

Okay, just to make sure about what you are saying here, define "end for me".

Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

I mean 'the end' as in leave me alone, go your own way, get out of my life, don't darken my doorstep (except for what has to do with the kids).

Of course, I always thought that if my husband cheated on me I'd kick him out and never want him back. I guess I won't know for sure what I will do until it happens.

In other words, I don't know what I'm talking about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
===============================
This hurts so much, though. It really is like knives being stabbed in my heart, bleeding out a little more with each mean thing WH thinks of to do to me. I'm sure that's his intention. And now he probably has his brothers thinking I'm an evil, vindictive, scorned-woman b*&%$.
===============================

I'm sorry that it hurts. In reality, you should be comforted somewhat by his vitriolic behavior. It means he still cares. His indifference is what you don't want to see coming from him.

As for the brothers, well, sometimes blood is thicker than spaghetti, and just about as intelligent <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God bless,
Gimble

{{{Pebbles}}} Hugs to you.

I cried when I caught up with your thread this morning. How could he hurt his family like that?

Gimble, WAT, SiS all have these great things to say to help you move forward, all I want to do is spew with you...

You know what I do hope for you? The night of the 28th - WH tries to go sleep and has nightmares all night long. Maybe one where you're driving along with the kids, maybe to church or even the grocery store, and some dumba$$ hits your car and kills all of you. WH wakes up in a cold sweat and thinks to himself: OMG, I never had the chance to tell her that I still love her. What am I going to do without my family?

Then, when he tries to sleep some more, he has a dream about you, in your house, with another man, some 10 years down the road. The man is loving and kind to you, and your kids love him, too. WH wakes up again, thinking that it should be him!

He races to the courthouse on Wednesday morning to find you before your court time, gets down on one knee and proclaims that he's made a huge mistake and that he wants to come home.

You tell him that you need certain things from him (all of the boundries, NC stuff, etc.) and he wholeheartedly agrees, then suggests MC to help deal with the conflict avoidance issues.

Pipe dream, I suppose...

Drive carefully, Pebbles.

Cat

OK, time to take a step back. Plan B is about removing yourself and preserving you and the love you may still hold for this alien...and let your lawyer earn her fee.

Put the paperwork aside...
Decide on how much time you will allow yourself to worry about this (10 minutes a day? 1/2 hour before your meeting with the lawyer?)
Let your Lawyer strategize and do the worrying for you...thta's what they are paid for.
Don't read into any ofhis actions...don't try to read his mind...I assure you he has no clue what he is doing either.

Put it aside, let it go, postpone worrying about it...don't let him control your life.

decide how much worrying is beneficial to plan a strategy and how much is just making you crazy...Friday evenings between 5-6?

If you think that you want to have your H back and not D then you should postpone as long as possible to try and let the A run its course.

My H's longest A lasted was on and off for 4 yrs. I saw a lawyer, we also live in a no fault state but with no legal separation. We separated and H agreed to whatever support I set up...unlike yours who fought it.

You may need to let this A run its course if you have the stamina. I think that you should keep throwing in some 180 behaviors. We don't have a crystal ball here. It is really hard to know what is really in his heart. You know your H best. You can read the nuances in his body language and behavior...if you can see it still through the fog.

Some things just don't add up here. Time will tell.

Cat, thank you for what you posted. You have such a kind heart.

I have also wondered if WH has ever thought about the future. So far, I think he has only thought about himself and what he wants/needs right this minute. Although, he did ask the lawyer (this was months ago) if he would be required to pay any of the children's college expenses. A few months ago, when he promised he would never kick us out of the house, he said I would have to let him know if I wanted to sell it - he didn't know what my plans were.

I really don't know how he sleeps at night. Does he not realize that all of this is hurting his children as much as it is hurting me? Would he even care? Stupid aliens.

Hi, StillHereMakingIt.

You are right. If I am crazy with worry over this paperwork, then WH is controlling me, which is what he wants. And really, there is nothing I can do. I'll just have to trust that my lawyer can handle it. I do think I will go to the bank and get statements proving that I am the one who has been paying the mortgage.

As I was having another restless night last night, I was thinking about WH's brothers' involvement. At Easter when I took the kids to one of the BIL's homes, the brothers all told me that they had never heard WH say anything negative about me. They must remember that. Also, the brother that served/mailed the papers is very much anti-divorce. Maybe WH just asked them to help him and they are being 'family.' I guess it really isn't helpful to analyze this, either.

It kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies that he had someone come by and do an appraisal of the house last week, while I was home, and I didn't even know. The date of the appraisal was June 14, the day after the paperwork was due.

Hi Pebbles,

I agree - stupid aliens!

I wonder if he panicked on the 13th/14th wondering what would happen if the divorce papers went uncontested - perhaps it occured to him that you might want the divorce after all and he just screwed himself by not filing a defence.

Maybe he thought that he was hurting you enough that you were going to divorce him and take everything instead of working towards the goal in your Plan B letter. He has done enough hurtful things in the last few weeks that maybe he's scared that you have lost your love for him. Know what I mean?

I think that you're doing a fantastic Plan B.

Only one more week and you'll have some answers.

Cat

Edited to correct spelling.

Hi, Trix.

It is harder to tell, now that I don't see him often in Plan B. He still seems to want to 'help,' by telling me he heard I needed him to look at the pool filter, etc., yet he attacks me on paper. I am having a very hard time reading him at all.

None of this is adding up for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

With all the stress WH must be feeling right now, I would think things aren't all wine and roses in la la land. He probably is getting desperate and needy with her, like Gimble said, unless his conflict avoidance keeps those feelings hidden. But, maybe the struggle is pushing them closer together? Like you said, Trix, time will tell.

Hi, Cat.

Who knows what he was thinking? Probably he doesn't even know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm, maybe. I didn't think of that. He seems to be very money-focused right now. I think the reality of this is finally hitting him in the wallet.

If WH was holding all that resentment inside all these years about me not earning as much money as he wanted me to, he probably thought that once he was rid of me he'd have a lot more disposable income. I remember in the lawyer's office so long ago when we were talking about support. WH was scribbling figures in a notebook and said he couldn't manage that much support. I said, "I'm sure your girlfriend would be happy to support you." (This was a long, long time ago - early Feb.). He said, "She's going to have to pay child support, too!" Hmmm, maybe his new life won't be so glorious after all? Funny, his 'new love' makes only slightly more than I do. Good choice, WH!

Hi Pebs -

Bam Bam - Legally, he's toast.

Right now, he's desperate. You are in control and hold all the cards. Naturally, he's turning all his "non-control" feelings into anger aimed at you and you, of course, are the reason for all his problems. He has painted over all the mirrors in his life.

It's not a pretty sight to watch someone crash. Do not deny him the experience, because he needs it.

Unfortunately, it's pretty common for the family to rally 'round the WS. My in-laws did it. It still astounds me. I went from favorite son-in-law and favorite BIL to Ogre in the blink of an eye. Bizarre. You are definitely not alone.

WAT

Hi again, Trix.

I just read this again. Do you have any suggestions? I don't know how much he is noticing, now that I'm in Plan B and trying to stay dark.

Some of the 180 behaviors I've been doing are not asking him for help fixing things, not answering the phone and talking to him (the kids answer now), being dressed nicely (possibly as if going out or returning from being out) the times he has seen me. There are some more, but I can't think of them right now. My brain is tired.