Good dose of reality for him.

A good friend of mine left her H for OM, and OM left his W for my friend. They've been living together for over a year. OM pays half of his earnings in alimony (the only child is 30 years old, no child support). Anyone who thinks that they'll be better off financially by leaving their spouse has another thing coming.

She left her H last summer, months before I found MB. I didn't know what to tell her. Looking back, her H did a wonderful Plan A in the months before she moved out, after he found out about the A.

I'm sad for him that his actions did not bring his WW back to him. And though she might have re-written some history, her H did so some awful things (example - he got a vasectomy months after they were married without consulting her first, he had simply decided that he didn't want kids).

When I talk to her about what's going on, I can see the fog, I can see how a Plan A works, and I can see how a Plan B affects the WS. It's crazy how right MBer's are about the script of WS's, coming from an objective viewpoint.

Sorry to threadjack... Thought it might distract you a little <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I certainly hope that your Plan B works and gets you your H back, but remember that if it doesn't, it's for the best. No one wants to be married to an alien, and if he can't extract the alien from his brain, then he's not worth your time.

Cat

{{{{{{{{{Pebbles}}}}}}}}}}
He is not sleeping at night he is a wake thinking about you and it really piss%s him off. So then he has to figure out how to get the road runner's attention. Being an alien he has limited means of communication...so like an immature child negative attention is better then no attention. I believes he still wants your attention!

He still sounds an awful lot like my WH.


My WH said the same thing almost word for word! He thought that "I wasted my degree" and that we would both be "professional" I too have always worked. I worked 12hr shifts on weekends so I could carry medical benefits and avoid putting the kids in day care. People have always commented on who well behaved our kids are and such a joy to be around. He ALWAYS attributed that to me being home with them.

Go figure the alien thought process. Hang in there and try to remember its the alien's attack even when it gets personal they can sense your weak spots.

Man is he going to be confused...stay dark. He probably expects the screaming banshee to come after him. He has probably rehearsed what he will say. Let him choke on it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hi, WAT.

Bam Bam sure is stubborn, isn't he? I do want him to crash. He won't believe the seriousness of what he has done, if he doesn't crash. Bam Bam, go ahead and crash already!!

Yes, it is sad, but not unexpected. Of course, I'm sure my family would have supported me, had the situation been reversed, even though they would not agree with what I was doing.

Like Gimble said, blood is thicker than spaghetti.

I wouldn't put much stock in this so called resentment.

I seem to recall a poster whose wife stated that she wanted a divorce because her H bought Pepsi instead of Coke... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />...or was it Coke instead of Pepsi...hmmm.

The point is...they are reeeeeeeaching.

They usually come up some something ludicrous.

committed

Hi, Cat.

I thought what you posted applied very well to this situation. A cautionary tale for WSs!

Agreed. If he does stay this new person/alien that he is now, I am really not interested in being around him. I will be patient and wait and see what happens, but I have no interest in being with MOW's boyfriend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Well, in plan B, you may be doing the best you can with the 180's you've tried already. I know you have little opportunity. You do want to preserve the remaining love you had.

I never did a pure plan B. We have a business together. He'd come in the office in the morning for a few minutes, with his back to me, we wouldn't say much...sometimes I'd try and 'educate' him with tapes or books. I look back on everything as planting seeds. I was able to show him some 180's. Although I had lost too much weight I still tried to change/improve my look/appearance, attitude, and even through all my pain I didn't always show it.

Have you read James Dobson's 'Love Must Be Tough'? That was another helpful book for me.

Have you read Coach's thread? His WW bit him on the shoulder so hard that he required staples, just because he wouldn't give her the attention that she was looking for.

Confused has a very good point - don't be surprised at what a WS will do for attention.

Cat

The perfect 180 in this sitch?

Have a male friend there fixing the pool, doing yard work, washing/waxing your car the next time the Dork has to pick up the kids.

Lots of men are territorial. I think Bam Bam is one of them.

Hi, Confused42.

I was just thinking about this! He must be spending an awful lot of time and energy thinking about me and planning what to do to me. If I were MOW, I would get tired of hearing him talk about the evil Pebbles and how she is trying to ruin his life.

I have had children in my class like that, so starved for attention that they crave even negative attention. Well, I tried to give him positive attention in Plan A (and before). MOW has to fill all the attention needs now.

Wow! Deja vu! These exact things happened with us. He has even proudly told people that the reason the children do so well in school is because I was home with them.

And he knows I've never been the screaming banshee type. If he wants an argument, he'll have to have it with MOW - I'm staying dark!

Ouch! Sorry to hear the cornered tortured animal is lashing out. I know exactly how you feel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Gimble told me once. This is not the person you married. It's someone else. You don't want the old husband back, you want a newer better relationship. So WH is representing himself?? Good luck.

The way you have to think about the money is that it's got to be spent. It's like a loan on a house. It's an investment in your future. Just be frugle, and try not to stress too much over things you can't control.

I don't think your WH is going to get much sympathy from the court for the child support reduction as BB stated.

Don't go over all of the mean things he says about you. Don't worry about what his family is doing to you. Circle your wagons and set up camp. The battle has begun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Look in the mirror and review all of your actions. Nothing vindictive was done by you. You didn't abandon your family for another person.


Now you still may need to consider that the house will have to be sold. Operating two households will obviously be more expensive than one. I'm sorry about that. The other option is if it's not been refinanced, the interest rates are really low, and maybe you could reduce the payments significantly enough. OH WAIT! Compare the mortgage and interest payments on your house against a place you could rent. It's possible that because there's not that big of a difference in payments, that the court may consider the sale of the house unnecessary. Your lawyer will be able to properly review your options.



You can look online for the cost of health insurance offered by independent companies. He's going to have to pay for it one way or another. Blue Cross Blue Shield offers some individual plans that may be affordable.

The cost of adultery is high! Your WH needs to figure that out! It's cheaper to keep you, and probably more fun too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi, committedandloving.

I remember that one. I also remember someone wanting a divorce because the spouse "made bran muffins that one time." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I realize WH is reaching for just about anything he can to justify what he has done. I think some parts of what he says may have some basis in truth, though. He did worry about money a lot (but always told me, at the time, that I didn't need to get a different job, even if I volunteered to do so).

He said he respected the MOW because she doesn't use credit cards, and said I used them too much. Uh, WH, that's you! He is the one with the credit card debts right now. I have one card with an extremely small balance. He has blamed me for things he has done. Now that's reaching. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Trix and Lexxxy,

Thank you for the 180 advice.

This is a great idea. I know Bam Bam would not like to see another man messing with his stuff. The tricky part will be finding someone who can be here at the right time. I have several male neighbors who have volunteered to help me, if I need it.

Bam Bam must have noticed that the yard has been quite well maintained, without his services. And when he said he heard I needed help with the pool filter, I said, "No, thank you." Maybe I can subtly let him know I have help, without actually talking to him, even without having someone here when he is here.

Something to think about.

My WH told me he was leaving me because I sometimes tried to lose weight.

Well, he gave other reasons too...

Alph.

Hi, Cat.

I read that! Shocking. Talk about an attention getter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Oh, Alph! Stupid aliens. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm new to MB but I've been reading your thread for a few weeks now.

I saw my counselor yesterday. I told him that my WH told me on Friday "I hope you get aids from your boyfriend and die". He's the one with the OW, he left me, etc. The counselor explained this as "projecting". Basically taking what's inside of him and putting it on me.

That explains a lot of the crap that's been coming out of my stbxh mouth over the last 8 months. He's blamed me for everything wrong in his life.

He still won't admit there is OW. I don't know what to believe. He admits they went on "1" date, I've found a picture of them but "they're just friends". Right!!!!

Good luck Pebbles. I feel your pain. My pain has gotten better with time. My H has torn our entire family apart. My life is very different than before.

Be strong. You're doing a great job!

Dinky

Hi, Sleepless.

Yes, I imagine you do! Thanks for the sympathy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think you're right. My lawyer said judges usually just put the percentage of custody and the figures from the tax return into the computer - and presto! the child support amount.

It was funny. WH told the lawyer, "What am I supposed to do, live in a box on the street?" She told him, "If that's what it takes to pay your child support." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

True. Thanks for reminding me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> His family knows this, too. His mom even said, "I can't believe I raised two sons who would abandon their families (meaning two of her four sons)."

Good idea! I found a way to refinance and lower the payments - on my own, WH does not have to participate. The mortgage, even before refinancing, is hundreds of dollars less than a decent apartment monthly rent would be. WH's apartment, which is a dive, costs more per month than the house does. I'll talk to the lawyer about this.

Blue Cross Blue Shield is what the kids and I were on before he left. He is trying to say that because we were not on the insurance offered by his work before, he should not have to pay for our insurance at all. Ahh, the brilliance of representing one's self. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I told him that before, that if his new relationship is so wonderful, isn't it worth it to pay the price and be rid of me? He didn't have a reply.

Ironically, WH's brother, who left his family to eventually marry his affair partner, has told all of the brothers, "Don't get married. If you insist on get married, whatever you do, don't get divorced. It's too expensive." That brother is now on his second marriage, with a total of four children between the two wives, arguing with his wife all the time, cheating continuously, but will do anything not to get divorced because he doesn't want to pay more child support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> That should have been a good lesson for his younger brother, my WH, don't you think?

Hi, Dinky.

Nice to meet you, but sorry you have to be here, too.

I see this happening a lot with my WH, too. The time we went to the MC, WH accused me of hiding money. The counselor told me afterward that WH was doing a lot of projecting and that I should be careful, WH was probably hiding money. Guess what? He was!

Thank you, Dinky. Good luck to you, too. This is certainly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I'm sure you know how that feels. I have always been a very happy, joyful person, most of the time. I refuse to let this kill the joy in me, even though the joy has taken a big hit. I still find things to laugh about, even now, and there is still so much beauty and goodness in the world, even though the dark clouds cover it from time to time now.

Peace to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles,
I leave for a 3 week vacation tomorrow with no computer access, but you will be in my prayers, I hope all goes well in court! Keep your head high and your voice calm...you are doing just fine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, it was bound to happen... The queen of the idiots lives! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles:

WAT:

I received a phone call at about 5:30 this evening, a friend inviting me for a quick dinner. I would need to be ready by 6:15. The kids would be with WH, so I had the evening free! Then, a dilemma arose. I had been out in the sun and dirt, walking the dogs, doing light yard work, etc. I could either meet my friend in a less than optimally fresh condition <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> - or I could take a shower and risk being caught in a towel when WH came to pick up the kids at 6:00. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

No problem, I thought. Take the shower. It's not as if I'll be going outside!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I rushed around making sure the kids were ready to go, then proceeded to shower. As I was stepping out of the shower, I heard, "Mommmm! He's heeeere!" Quickly wrapping a towel around myself, I met the kids in the living room and hugged them goodbye. In perfect Plan B pick-up execution, they exited the house by themselves as WH was pulling up to the curb. As the front door closed, I noticed that daughter had left her Advil on the counter. The Advil I had so handily put in a baggie with dosage instructions written on it (WH probably would not have Advil at the adulterous abode).

Another dilemma: risk daughter's fever coming back tonight or open the front door and call her to retrieve it. I thought to myself, in a moment of bravado, "To heck with it. He's seen me in less." I opened the front door and walked a few steps outside. I called to daughter, who had made it to WH's car. She and WH looked up at me. WH showed no reaction (but he looked), then averted his eyes (maybe they were burning). Daughter got her Advil and returned to the car.

As I re-entered the house, I happened to get a glimpse of myself in the entryway mirror. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> In my haste to wrap, I had apparently left just a wee bit more of myself exposed than I had expected. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Maybe that's why his eyes were burning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add: I think I would have been more embarrassed, if I hadn't been laughing so hard. I did make it to dinner with my friend on time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />