So much has happened! Is there still any hope for a reconciliation after all of this? So much money spent, so much time wasted, so much hurt and hard feelings for so many people, not just WH and me. After we go to court, why would WH have any motivation to want to restore our family? I know I would still be open to a reconciliation, with certain conditions, of course, but would he? Maybe it has gone too far.

The physical part of the affair has been going on for almost a year and a half, if I can believe what WH told me about when it started. I'm sure it was an emotional affair for some time before that. He has distanced himself so far from me emotionally. Sometimes it is hard to remain hopeful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Surviving.

We could have an MB left-coaster night on the town!

Thanks, I was letting myself get all depressed. You made me feel better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
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Is there still any hope for a reconciliation after all of this?
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Yep. You say it has been a minimum of 1.5 years. Statistically, most affairs start to burn out at 2 years or less. I bet this one is on fire already.

Unless you can't handle it, don't throw in the towel yet. Give it some more time.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

I can handle it. I don't like it and it hurts terribly, but I can handle it. I'm just wondering about him, if he feels it has gone too far to ever go back.

I hope you're right about the affair most likely starting to burn itself out. So far, our situation has been fairly textbook, it seems. I just hope Mr. Conflict Avoider hasn't stored so much resentment against me that he can't get over it.

I'll be patient (well, I'll try). It would be nice to have some working tea leaves right now, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

But thats my job sweetie...just give me the 4 pointed fools hat and let me point you to marriment and fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
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It would be nice to have some working tea leaves right now, though.
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I wish I could read you some, but I have to have details about hubby and his actions to make a model to draw from, and you aren't supposed to be worrying about him right now, and you especially aren't supposed to be filled with details <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So, my best guesses really are guesses right now.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

Sigh, yes, I know. I'm pretty bad at this part of Plan B. It's just part of my over-analyzing nature. I'm just aching to know how he's doing and what he's thinking.

I read about how 97% of affairs fail, but then in real life I know of several affair-to-marriage relationships. No telling how happy they are, of course. I also read how 80% of separations end in divorce. We've been separated for five months today. That's a long time.

But then I read stories of people in much worse situations than we are who have ended up recovering their marriages.

I guess it just goes to show that there are no guarantees, either way.

Well, we did do some fun things so far this weekend. Friday night the kids and I had dinner at my parents' house. We played Quiddler (a card game kind of like Scrabble). My sister and I sat next to each other and secretly played 'dirty word' Quiddler. It was like being teenagers again, keeping it secret from the parents, LOL.

Today the kids and I went miniature golfing. It was about 95 degrees, but fun. We got a lot of balls stuck in bushes. I got a hole in 10 once. We also got ice cream on the way home.

See, I'm doing parts of Plan B as intended. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Surviving.

Those fool's hats are a good look for me. Do you have an extra? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pebbles. I was thinking about this yesterday. I was talking to a friend about someone she knows whose H left for another woman. They are still together after three years (living together, not married). I think that, although most As last for up to two years, five years and over is given as an indicator for a 'long-term' relationship. I also know of many A's that resulted in marriage - but only one of these lasted (the couple recently celebrated their 16th anniversary).

Personally, although I love my H, I don't think I will wait around for him for 5 years to realise what a fool he's been (even 2 years seems a little long to me). For all I know, the OW may well be a better match for him than me - although this is extremely unlikely IMO! I'm not flattering myself either that WH will wake up one day soon and realise that he misses me and wants to come home. I hope and pray that he wakes up and realises what his behaviour is doing to his kids. I think it is our kids, and the fact he adores them, that will bring him back to us, if it happens.

Alph.

Pebbles-

Remember the statistic of 80% of separations ending in D is not people using MBs. I imagine the stats for MBs are much better.

Good luck and take care-
Improving

Surviving and Pebbles, if you give me an E-Mail address for the two of you and a weekend, I might even fly in with the Dungeness Crab and Salmon to cook for you if you supply sourdough bread and beverages. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I could coordinate it with a DS8 and dad camping trip to Yosemite. July 23rd doesn't work because of a big picnic, but otherwise, I'm taking the summer to have fun with DS8.

Hi, Alph.

I won't be waiting 5 years, either, although my lawyer said I have the option of delaying the divorce that long. I really can't see myself waiting longer than 1 year. My WH's affair is probably at least 1-1/2 years old (not counting the emotional affair part. I'm not sure if that helps or hurts our situation.

I keep wondering this about my MOW, too, although she does not sound like much of a prize from what I know about her. Maybe that's what my WH wants now? I was acceptable to him for 15 years of marriage. We dated for 7 years before we got married, so I have been his choice for over 22 years. It's hard to imagine someone could change what they want in a partner that quickly, after all that time.

Alph, I can't imagine a woman who is willing to help break up a family would be a better match for anyone, especially in place of a nice person like you.

I have had this thought, too, about my WH. He seems to be too self-centered right now to pay too much attention to the kids, but he has to be feeling the effects of going from spending time with them every day to seeing them every other weekend and every Wednesday night. He really knows very little about their lives right now. I would think a man who loves his children would feel left out. Stupid aliens. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

According to 'Getting Back Together' (Bilicki & Goetz) 80% of all married couples (not just those involved in A's) separate for two months or longer at some point during their marriage. And nearly 18% of couples who do divorce and up marrying each other again!

According to Pittman ('Private Lies'), most divorces involving adultery are instigated by the WS, not the BS. These are fog-bound, 'soulmate' affair types who cannot wait to be out of the old marriage so they can be with their new 'partner' (often to marry them). Pittman points out, as does SH in SAA, that these relationships are also, almost certainly, doomed to fail.

As I pointed out before, up to 18% of divorced couples remarry each other. I think this figure would be much higher if more BS's would take back their remorseful WS's. The WS leaves their faithful spouse, divorces them and marries their 'soulmate'. However, after so much humiliation and pain, the BS eventually learns to get on with their life, and finds they don't want their ex-spouse back when the new relationship/marriage fails.

Just my $0.02.

Alph.

Hi, Improving.

Good point! Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The kids and I went to church this morning. It is the first time we've been to church since school got out (about 3 weeks). I teach a Bible lesson every day when school is in session (Christian school). The last few months WH was here, we got out of the habit of attending church every Sunday. When he had to work on Saturdays, Sunday mornings were 'family time.' Now that I think of it, he probably didn't want to go because he was feeling guilty.

The message was, in part, about how even evil can work toward God's purpose, how evil can be the fire used to forge us into gold. Good for me to hear. Break the Barriers performed several songs and dance routines. I almost broke down in tears several times. I was glad we sat in the back row - I had no tissues. I had to be very sly about wiping my eyes so the kids wouldn't get upset or embarrassed. It was a good day to go back. We even had communion. My daughter was concerned that the little cups of grape juice were actually wine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I sat between the kids. All three of us noticed the conspicuously empty place usually occupied by WH.

I hope you are right! Unfortunately I do not have easy access to books and I haven't been able to get Private lies, so it's good to get some info from it.

I also believe that many divorces are due to the fact that BS don't know about the dynamics of affairs and do not think that their marriages are recoverable after an affair. I also learned that when I found MB. Until then I believed that divorce was the only solution to an A.

We had friends around for dinner tonight. The husband is a work colleague of WH - actually the first person I exposed to. He is mad with WH - can't believe what an A$$ he's been.

Anyway, this man and his wife and their little boy - we've all been friends for years. Last time we dined at their place, and WH wasn't wayward then. It was a very strange dynamic at dinner today. No-one really knew what to say. That 'empty space' you spoke of, Pebbles. I know that my friends wanted to talk to me, comfort me, but it was impossible with the kids around. At the end of the evening I was nearly in tears. The dinner was capped off by their little boy saying: 'Where is your husband, why doesn't he want to live here anymore?'

Well, what would you say? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

welll my email is in this post a few pages back....email me anytime....Pebs and I are going to san fran next weekend...I will be gone the 10th through the 17th.....but later in july is fine with me....one thing tho...I am allergic to all things fishy....go figure...i am japanese too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Sleepless.

Why don't you come join us over on Surviving's "Attention San Francisco MBers" thread? Crab...yummm!

I'm sure you'll have a great time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You probably already know, but be sure to reserve your camp site in Yosemite as early as possible. They fill up quickly, and some are still closed because of damage from the flooding.

Hi, Alphin.

Wow, I guess I'm special then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I'm the one who filed for divorce. I did feel that I was forced to, since my WH threatened to withhold financial support. He is angry because he thought we'd plan the divorce details together. You'd think he'd send me a 'thank you' card for filing, wouldn't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for the information from Private Lies, Alphin. I've read SAA and Torn Asunder, but I don't have Private Lies.

Hi, cc46.

That's what I thought, too, until I was directed here. Maybe that's why so many affairs lead to divorce. Maybe we have a better chance than we think? (insert extreme wishful thinking)