Alph, this happened to me, too. One of my daughter's friends was spending the night at our house. The last time she spent the night, WH was here and barbecued for all of us for dinner. She asked me, "When is Mr. Bam Bam coming home? Is he going to barbecue for us again?" I just said, "He doesn't live here any more. He has his own apartment now. We're having pizza for dinner." She just said, "Oh." Most people who come over try to ignore the elephant in the living room. It can be very awkward.

What is especially hard for me is when I run into a friend I haven't seen for a while. They always ask me about WH. It's cowardly of me, but sometimes I just say, "He's okay." I'm too embarrassed to explain, even though I know I probably shouldn't be.

Surviving, say it isn't so!! Oh well, I'll eat your fishy things. You can have a burger or something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

It is very likely that at some point in time, you will become the greatest threat to your marriage.

Hard to believe at this point, but true.

Try to relax, Pebbles. See what you can do to re-engage in an old hobby, or find a new one. I hear you have a garage full of wood working tools....
:-)

Gimble

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
===================================
What is especially hard for me is when I run into a friend I haven't seen for a while. They always ask me about WH. It's cowardly of me, but sometimes I just say, "He's okay." I'm too embarrassed to explain, even though I know I probably shouldn't be.
===================================

I like the truth in situations like this. A stock answer works.

Friend: "How's hubby? I haven't seen him in a while."
Pebbles: "I have no idea. He left me and the children for a married woman."

Then smile and ask about his family. You don't have to explain anything.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

Me, a threat. Seems kind of funny, when I feel so helpless and small right now. I do see your point. Eventually, I'm sure I'll get tired of waiting for Bam Bam to extract his head from his backside.

I'm working on it, Gimble. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There is a kind of freedom in not having to answer to anyone but myself (and the kids). For instance, next weekend I'm headed to San Francisco. I don't need to check with WH to make sure it fits in with his schedule or wants. I can do whatever I want. As for the wood-working tools, eBay sounds good (just kidding).

Gimble,

You're right. When I have told people that WH left us for a married woman, they are usually too shocked to ask any questions. It's like giving the elephant in the living room a great big wedgie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I don't know why I chicken out occasionally. I guess I don't like to think of people going home and talking about me with pity. "Poor thing. She couldn't keep her husband." Not that most people would do that.

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
================================
I guess I don't like to think of people going home and talking about me with pity. "Poor thing. She couldn't keep her husband." Not that most people would do that.
================================

Think about it this way; Anyone that that goes home and says something like that, is talking to a spouse that is likely to do just what yours did.

Most marriages that fail, do so because both spouses failed to understand the dynamics that make a good marriage.

One of the first things that a spouse in a good marriage learns if they want to remain in a good marriage, is that marriages require maintenance on an ongoing and regular basis. Betrayed spouses on the receiving end of a spouse gone nuts, learns that lesson in a very hard way. Too bad that you can't beat that lesson into a wayward spouse in a timely manner. They usually eventually learn it, but at a cost exceeding anything they previously thought possible.

Telling everyone that you have a good car, when you never change the oil or otherwise service the car, will find you making yourself a liar. The same is true of marriage.

I feel very sorry for any of your friends that would make such a claim.

God bless,
Gimble

One of the funniest times this happened to me was when a supplier of ours called on the house line asking for OW. (That was my first clue that she had ordered some more stuff for the business on her credit cards, putting us further in debt to her.) I was soooo steamed, but just replied sweetly, "Oh, no, she's not here. That is WH's mistress, and I am his wife." There was dead silence fot the longest time, and perhaps a hint of a gulp. "Um, I had some questions about this order...." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Gimble.

You're right again. I think it's mostly my own insecurity taking over, making me think people will pity me. My self-confidence has taken a pretty big hit.

Most people I know in 'real life' are using my situation as a cautionary tale, which I like for them to do. If my situation can help others learn how important it is not to take their marriages for granted, then at least something good will come out of this mess.

Hi, 'Neak.

I would say you gave the elephant the dreaded mega atomic wedgie blaster! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You are so funny!!!!!!!

PEBBBBBBLEEEEESSSSS! you have mail <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pebbles!



Your story has taught me lessons more than you will know. Here I'd thought that because H and I had been together six years before tying the knot that we'd be immune to some of the problems other couples face.

Only two days until court. Do you practice meditation?

www.learningmeditation.com has some examples of meditations, audio files, etc. You might find some relief if you can clear your mind.

Sometimes at work, if my boss is driving me crazy, I'll do some meditation in the bathroom... Who's going to ask questions??

Thinking of you,
Cat

Hi, Cat.

You are so smart to be learning all of this now, Cat. WH and I dated for seven years because we wanted to make sure it was 'right,' and because I wanted to graduate from college before we got married. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I practice yoga, which does involve some meditation. It is hard for me to keep my mind from wandering, though, even when I don't have anything stressful going on. I will look at the learningmeditation link. Thank you, and thank you for thinking of me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are probably too young to be a Seinfeld fan, but you meditating in the bathroom to be able to tolerate your annoying boss reminded me of the "Serenity Now" episode. Some of the other older (ahem, make that 'more mature') posters may remember it, LOL.

Neak:Me? You're the one giving the wedgie.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Surviving, I got your email. Cute pictures! I will write back later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was reading on Alph's thread the excerpt from Private Lies about 'turning points' in life that can lead a WS to involve themselves in a 'romantic affair.'

I have not told anyone in real life about this, not even my mom. God, WH and I (and the medical professionals involved) are the only ones who know about it. I haven't mentioned it here before because it is so shameful to me. Now that I look back, it may have been the 'turning point' for WH that led to his affair. I think the emotional part of the affair may have started before this event.

Okay, deep breath, here goes: In January of 2004, I found out that I was pregnant. It was totally unexpected. We had a great deal of difficulty becoming pregnant with our second child (DD), so I was very shocked. WH and I had been talking about him having a vasectomy, but it kept being put off, for various reasons.

WH and I had decided that we only wanted two children. WH was especially adamant about having no more children. When I first told him I was pregnant, it was like something inside of him just collapsed. I can't remember his exact words, but he gave me the impression that somehow we would handle it. Then, he became silent and distant. A few days later, he told me that he thought 'we' should have an abortion. I was shocked. I told him that I didn't think I could kill one of our children and that I thought we should accept our responsibilities and make the best of it.

WH said he couldn't emotionally handle having a another baby and going through all that again, and that he couldn't continue 'working so hard' (at his job) forever. He was so upset that I asked him if it would help if I got a higher-paying job. He very tenderly told me that my job was fine. He then said he hoped I would 'seriously consider' the abortion. I even said, "Why? Would you leave if I have the baby?" He said, "No...I don't know. I don't think I can do it."

I went to my OB. I had some serious complications during my second pregnancy, and the doctor was concerned that this pregnancy would be especially high risk. Even so early in the pregnancy, I was having trouble with blood pressure and electrolyte levels. Against all my beliefs, I agreed to have the abortion. I thought that if WH was so overwhelmed by just the thought of a baby, he would be completely unglued by the prospect of a high-risk pregnancy (and possible bed rest) and the possibility of a baby with problems.

WH seemed very relieved that I agreed. He was back to his normal, cheerful, mellow self. He went with me for the procedure and held my hand. He was very solicitous afterward.

A few days later, I began to hemorrhage and had to have an emergency D&C in the middle of the night. I lost a lot of blood. I refused a transfusion (AIDS concerns) and was very weak for some time afterward. WH took very good care of me and was very kind.

After I was up and back to work, the incident was never spoken of again. WH acted as if it never happened. I didn't want to bring up the topic of my guilt and shame because I didn't want to upset him again. Conflict avoiders, I know. I am sure I became emotionally distant for a while. I did resent the fact that he never asked me how I was feeling and he didn't seem to care about my guilt or shame; I was the one who had to sign the release forms stating that I agreed to the abortion of my own free will.

I asked God's forgiveness, even though I'm not sure if I can be forgiven, since I knew what I was doing was wrong before I did it. I eventually got over my resentment of WH, and I truly forgave him, although I was still hurt by WH's emotional distance and lack of concern once I was physically well. I am quite sure the sexual part of WH's affair began soon after this incident.

On D-day (the night he left), I asked him if one of the reasons he wanted me to have an abortion was because he was having an affair. He became very tender then and swore that the affair had nothing to do with it.

So, now you know my dirty little secret. I almost can't bring myself to click on the 'submit' button to post this. How what happened affects what is happening now, I have no clue. I would be grateful for insight, if you still feel like you can post on my thread after reading this.

{{{Pebbles}}}

I don't know what to say. What a terrible time you have had. How brave too for you to share this.

I wish I had clever, insightful things to say to help you. As usual, I don't. But I have always enjoyed reading, and occassionally posting, on your thread, and will continue to do so.

You are a brave and classy lady.

Alph.

Thank you so much, Alph. I appreciate your support very much.

Actually, it is somewhat freeing to let my dirty little secret out. I've been keeping it inside for so long.

A couple months after this happened, things seemed pretty much back to normal between WH and me. We laughed together, enjoyed each other's company, etc. It was during this time that I thought he was having a midlife crisis, perhaps brought on by what had happened. I tried to be very understanding. I love him, so I didn't want to upset him or make him unhappy.

In a way, I almost feel like the affair and WH leaving are my punishment for having the abortion.

{{{Pebbles}}}

There is so much that I would like to say to you, but none of the words seem quite right.

A decision like the one that you had to make surely didn't come easy, but I'm sure that you made the best decision you could for your family.

Perhaps the incident did change the dynamic between you and H. Perhaps he felt guilty for wanting you to do what you did, and that's why he distanced himself from you afterwards. Perhaps he wished he'd changed his mind after it was too late.

Who's to say what he was thinking... Except him, though I don't suggest that you bring it up in conversation anytime soon...

I hope that you're able to come to peace within on this subject. Have you spoken to a counsellor about it? One of the men that I work with - his wife works in a Planned Parenthood type place. He's told me stories about the emotional turmoil women go through after a procedure like yours. There can be some terrible side effects. Perhaps, if you don't get medical coverage anytime soon, you could seek out a discussion forum or other information on the internet regarding this in particular.

{{{Pebbles}}}

Thinking of you!
Cat

It's interesting that you say 'things were pretty much back to normal' after just a couple of months. They obviously weren't for you, since you are still in pain now over what happened more than a year down the line.

Have you ever wondered if your WH might have felt guilty for pressuring you into having the abortion?


Alph.