He was lying to you ... his desire for an abortion had everything to do with him not wanting a pregnant wife while having an affair ... sorry ... this is how it looks to me.

He lied to reassure you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Pep, that's what I think, too.

Cat and Alph, some of WH's guilt may be from making me do something he knew I thought was wrong. Before, he had always thought abortion was wrong, too. I feel even worse knowing that he may have already been having an affair and thinking of leaving at that time. Maybe he was thinking of how much child support would be for three children.

I haven't talked to a counselor or anyone about this. Today is the first time I have ever told anyone it happened. There are people in my real life who would disown me if they knew about it.

P.S. As far as I know, WH has never told anyone about this, either. I wonder if MOW knows.

You must talk to a counselor about this.

Alph.

Hi, Pebbles.

I agree with you and Pep. He probably couldn't imagine explaining himself to his family or others about abandoning you while in a high risk pregnancy.

Both of you will have to work through this one day. Right now, it just is. Don't let it get you down and don't spend a lot of time on it. You can't resolve it right now.

As for forgiveness, if you asked, you received.

God bless,
Gimble

Pebbles

I'm glad you felt able to tell someone (ie us) about this. What a huge and painful secret to have to keep.

I agree with Pep, too. From what you say, it seems out of character and out of his normal morality to suggest a termination. That speaks to me of fog, of an altered sense of values...of an A.

How much guilt he must be feeling. Or, more accurately, how much guilt he must be struggling to hide from. To preserve any sense of 'rightness', he must be telling himself that it was your decision, not his, he didn't order you to do it, yada, yada... He has even more to hide from than just an A - he must close his eyes to a vision of himself as a selfish man who would urge the killing of his unborn child. Yet, at some deep level he knows he is responsible, that a couple who have learned to stay morally in step can be unbalanced by one of them leaning heavily, which the other will automatically try to adapt to. He KNOWS this, even if he can't consciously acknowledge it.

He is running away from himself right now. I wonder how far he will go before he realises that he can never escape his own conscience?

TogetherAlone

Good night, Peb (11.45 over here).

Take care of yourself.

Alph.

{{{Pebbles}}} Accept His forgiveness. No one here is judging you BTW.

Pebbles,
I have never posted to you before because you are already in such able hands. But I have been following your story. I think you're a real classy lady. I'm sorry your husband is putting your through this.
(((Pebbles)))
I don't judge you for what you did. But I judge your husband for influencing you to act against your personal values.
(((((Pebbles)))))

{{{{{Pebbles}}}}}

http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/

Hi, Gimble.

I'm sure this was a big part of it. Also, I think he probably shared a lot of his feelings with the MOW, who probably told him he did the right thing, cementing their relationship.

Thank you, Gimble. I did ask. It's harder for me to forgive myself.

Hi, TogetherAlone.

Thank you for your post. It made a lot of sense to me. Although, I feel I am equally to blame, if not more so, for the decision to have the abortion.

I know he is feeling a lot of guilt about so many things. No wonder he says he can't look at me because looking at me makes him feel guilty and ashamed. About a week or so after he left, he told me that being away from me and the kids made him feel like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. I wonder if he still feels that way.

Thank you Alph, faithful follower, and BrambleRose for your support. And thank you so much, BrambleRose, for the link.

Hi, curious53.

Thank you for posting.

Thank you for not judging me. I do blame myself, more so than my husband, for what happened. Yes, I did it for him and I did feel pressured to do it, but ultimately the choice was mine. I have to take responsibility for the choice I made. I was the one who signed the release forms and allowed myself to be wheeled to the procedure room. I could have refused, but I didn't. I sat there in that humiliating paper gown, thinking over and over to myself that I should get up and run out of the room, but I didn't.

In a way, I wonder if somehow WH thinks less of me for agreeing to have the abortion. Maybe he blames me because I gave in.

On another note, my lawyer's office called this morning to cancel my meeting for today. The assistant said the lawyer didn't think it was necessary. I hope that means she thinks we will do well in court Wednesday. I will be taking along the bank statements proving I paid the mortgage and a copy of WH's refusal to provide financial support letter just in case.

Morning Pebbles (tho you're probably tucked up in bed now).

Thought about you through most of last night. I hope you are doing OK.

{{{Pebbles}}}

Alph.

Hi, Alph. You are so sweet. Thank you for thinking of me. It's about 11:45 p.m. here. I usually can't fall asleep until at least 12:30 (insomniac from way back).

I'll be okay. The pain has been pushed down to a dull roar now, overshadowed by what has happened in the last five months. Besides, I have more important things to think about than myself right now (not that you'd know by how much I talk about myself here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />). I have two beautiful children who are very much alive who need me more than ever, two dogs who think they are my children, and a house and yard that are falling apart at the seams.

Good morning to you. I hope you have a good day, all things considered. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

On your list of things to do, I have an idea for you.

I was thinking about you today. You had mentioned that hubby has some woodworking tools in the garage, and that he was proud of his saw. Anyway, please consider a woodworking course this summer. Many Jr. Colleges have summer courses. You may find that you like it, and it will give you something in common to talk to hubby about later on other than relationship issues.

Even if you don't get to share with hubby, a future beau might be very impressed :-)

Besides all that, you may want to make use of all those tools <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God bless,
Gimble

Ahhh. I LOVE that! That elephant in the room is bursting at the walls. How do you not hang up after that??!

Hi Pebbles,

I have to tell you that I thought about you last night - I can't imagine what you must be feeling.

I can understand why you didn't tell anyone about what happened. When I first became sexually active my mom put me on the pill. Then she sat me down and told me that if I ever got pregnant and felt that an abortion was the only way to go, for whatever reason, please not to tell her or the family. She said that every member of my family would try to convince me that there are other options, and it would break their hearts for me to go through with it.

Looking back, it probably wasn't the most supportive she could have been, but it gave me a good idea of what would happen if I wasn't careful about protection.

I didn't check out the link that was posted earlier, but I am in total agreement that you need some help from someone who works with people after abortions. Gimble was right that things couldn't have been normal if you're still carrying this around.

Pebbles - everything happens for a reason.

Cat