Hi, Gimble.

Well, he had a few hours between court and pick-up time. If he did not go to work, he may have been 'consoled' (ick) during that time.

That would be nice. Of course, I guess there is no guarantee that he will want to return to his family if things don't work out with her. It would definitely be less expensive for him, if he did come back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, he does have an affair phone. It is registered under 'her' name. I have never known him to text message anyone. He probably would not want to due to the extra cost involved (unless she pays for it).

He is indeed a stubborn man, full of until-now repressed resentment. He may want to try to discuss division of property with me at some point.

The ball is in his court now, as far as a divorce is concerned. If he wants to move it along, he will have to file any further motions (division of assets/debts, etc.) and pay the filing fees involved. Now that the children are protected, I will no longer participate actively in getting a divorce.

Oh, my lawyer told me that he will have to redo his report of assets and debts included in the divorce paperwork he was served. Apparently, he was supposed to file a 'preliminary' report, but filed a 'final' report instead (ha, ha).

Thank you, Cat, losttranslation, and grapegirl for the congratulations. It is a relief to have the support issue settled. Losttranslation, I liked your poem! Very creative. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Counting on my first spousal support money arriving in the next few days, I went online and changed my car insurance to my own private policy. I was on a joint policy with WH that expires soon. Next, health insurance!

I wonder if he will mail the check (direct withdrawl won't start for a few weeks) or if he will deliver it. He has not mailed any other checks he has given me. He is not scheduled to pick up the kids again until Sat. evening. Maybe he'll bring it then and have to hand it to my mom (I'll be gone). Should be interesting.

I hope that you have a great weekend!

Thanks, Cat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just got done with the mortgage company. The mortgage will now be directly withdrawn from my checking account (instead of the joint account). Now, off to the bank to see if there is still a 'joint' checking account so I can cash the escrow overage check. I'll leave his half in the account, if his name is still on it. Or, maybe I'll withdraw his half in a Cashier's Check and send it to him. Gee, it shouldn't be so hard to give someone money they aren't expecting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Edited to try to add some clarity. I blame lack of sleep. Yes, that's it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
============================================
Now that the children are protected, I will no longer participate actively in getting a divorce.
============================================

That is outstanding.

I was wondering about the phone because I am trying to figure out how much time he spends talking to John's wife. The sheer amount of effort it takes to send a text message via most cell phones, is an indicator (to me) of the amount of effort going into the 'relationship'. I was curious if he was wildly punching in cryptic messages via cellphone in between video games and activities with children :-)

Have a good trip this weekend.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

I have no idea what WH does while he has the kids. Sometimes on Thursday mornings I ask the kids if they had fun. They both say, "We got fast food and we watched T.V." I don't know if he is in the room with them or not, or what he is up to during that time. I know that he would rather cut off his arm than type much (at least this used to be the case) and he is usually 'frugal' with money, so I can't imagine him text messaging much, but who knows?

I do know what he was up to part of the time between court and picking up the kids Wednesday (sigh). In today's mail I received several bills he had put together in various envelopes and sent to me. The postmark was June 29, p.m. (the afternoon after court). Perhaps he was a bit upset with me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Some of the bills he will need to pay half of, some I will pay in full for the next three or four months (the length of time he paid them by himself). Thank goodness for my half of the escrow overage check!

The envelopes had his secret affair P.O. Box as the return address, so I can mail him his half of the escrow overage. I wonder if I should include a note about changing the mortgage payment to my checking account? Should I explain that I'll be covering the shared bills for the next three to four months? How should I handle this?

While I was in the line at the bank, WH's oldest brother came in and stood in line several people behind me. He looked uncomfortable when he saw me. He was the brother who served/mailed the divorce response papers. He is also well known for believing divorce is wrong. I cheerfully said, "Hi, WH's brother! How are you?" He asked me how I was, too, but looked like he would rather dissolve into the floor. I told him I was fine and we engaged in some polite small talk until it was my turn to see a teller.

The fun and games continue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thank you. It will be nice to get away.

WH called me on my cell phone while I was at the grocery store earlier this evening. He hasn't called since right after Plan B started. I did not look to see who was calling before I answered. I assumed it would be my son (he stays home - grocery store is very close). WH wanted more details about the child support, when to start sending it, how to send it, if I was going to garnish his wages, if he'd get credit for paying it (since the wage garnishment won't start for a few weeks). He was very calm, not angry sounding. I explained in a Plan A sort of way (calm, cheerful voice). He also wanted to make sure I remembered the pick up time for tomorrow (as if I could forget, he gave me a typed schedule for this month). It was all very business-like. When I got home, my son said someone had called and hung up without leaving a message (WH does that).

My daughter mentioned to me that she tried on a lot of clothes at WH's lair Wed. night. From what I could tell, WH choose clothes for her and our son on his own last week sometime. I don't know if he had help (MOW) or not. I thought it was nice that he thought of the kids when they were not with him. He didn't send the clothes home with the kids, so maybe he is starting a supply at his lair?

Hi, Pebbles.

The way to handle all of hubby's questions regarding the settlement and his/your responsibilities is via your lawyer. That includes information about shared monies, accounts or bills.

You know that talking to him on the phone is contact and that it may prolong your pain, and his stupidity.

So, you have been admonished. Now go and have a good time on your trip and always check caller ID before answering anything. That includes the door.

Be good,
Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

Yes, you're right. I know. It seems like this is his pattern. It happened with the custody/vistation, too (but that was during Plan A). He is so angry and confused when the lawyer/judge talks to him that he doesn't listen to the details, then he asks me to explain. I was somewhat afraid that if I made him ask my lawyer, the support would be delayed, at least until after July 5th, due to the holiday. I have bills due before that. I still shouldn't have spoken to him.

I don't want to prolong my pain, and his stupidity is becoming very tiresome. I don't want to be the cause of more of the same.

My mom will be here when he picks up the kids tomorrow. I'll ask her to give him his escrow overage check. I will not enclose a note with it. By the way, Mom knows not to let him in the house or garage for his 'house fix.'

Gotcha. Thanks, Gimble.

I'm back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I had a very nice time with Surviving and her adorable son on Saturday in San Francisco. They are very nice people. We visted Chinatown and Pier 39 and ate dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. We got to see a real, live San Fran drug deal going down on the sidewalk while stuck in traffic! I was accompanied by a very nice group of Hell's Angels on my drive there and back. They seemed to enjoy surrounding my mini-van, and using it as a wind block in the Pacheco Pass area. I thought of them as my tailgate-prevention guardian angel motorcyle escorts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I returned home to 106-degree heat this afternoon, after spending some time outlet shopping in Gilroy (mainly window shopping).

When I called my mom to let her know I made it home, she said she gave WH the check and he did not try to get her to let him in the house. On Friday my mom had questioned why I felt I had to give WH half the escrow overage. She said he wouldn't know if I kept it - and he owed me (this from my church choir singing, Bible reading mom). I told her it was the right thing to do and I was trying to stand for truth, justice, apple pie, and all that other stuff. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Mom added that WH had 'cleaned himself up' and looked a lot better. He had been growing a very straggly goatee-type thing with a lot of stubble on his face and had let his hair get shaggy. Apparently, he had gotten a haircut and had a good shave since court Wednesday.

When I first got home, I parked in the garage and locked the garage so the automatic opener wouldn't work (a reflex now). While I was in the back of the house, the dogs started whining and barking at the front door. When they kept whining, I peeked out the window and saw WH's car. I saw my daughter walking from one side of the front yard to WH's car. They left. I don't know if WH or son got out of the car. Neither child has a key to the house, to prevent possible pressure from WH to let him in. No one came to the door; they must have assumed I was not home.

I called the kids this evening to say hello. They said they stayed at WH's lair today, didn't go anywhere, and did the usual T.V. and computer activities. Son mentioned that WH told him there was an extra filter for the pool in the garage. WH was not aware until today (I think) that I had locks on the gates and that the garage would be locked. I wonder if he was coming over to work on the pool.

I was telling myself that WH letting his appearance go might mean that he was not blissfully happy in la la land. I wonder why he cleaned himself up all of a sudden, after being scruffy for so long. Yes, I shouldn't be trying to analyze him, but you know I can't help it.

Hi Pebbles!

I'm glad to hear that you had a good weekend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I won't speculate as to why WH is cleaned up...

Cat

Thank you, Cat.


Why am I surprised? And why do I feel so sad?

WH brought the kids home a few minutes ago. He came to the door with them. Daughter tried to close the door behind her, but WH stuck his foot in so it wouldn't close. He handed the support check through. He also said (through the crack in the door) that the next weekend he has the kids he wants to pick them up on Sunday morning, instead of Saturday night, unless I had plans. He also said that he needed to get a cooler and some lawn chairs out of the garage. He spoke in a very firm voice, almost slightly angry, but calm. I asked son to get WH the things he needed. He took two chairs and and a cooler.

So, it looks like he and MOW probably have plans for July 4th. Great, they might be out in public together watching fireworks somewhere. That shouldn't surprise me, but it cuts through my heart like a knife. And he will be putting off picking up the kids on his next weekend visit due to some plans.

WH did know about my San Fran visit this weekend, and he knows we are doing our usual July 4th activities with our neighbors. The kids mentioned these things to him.

Daughter said they came by the house yesterday to work on the pool filter, but nobody had a key.

Do you think maybe he is just happy with his new life? He sounds so busy. He looked good, too, from the quick glimpse of him I got while he was walking to the door. It's almost as if going to court made him feel better, somehow. I had been feeling somewhat stronger, but now I am so sad. It is like he has really moved on.

What do you think? I would appreciate any sympathy, impressions, and advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add: I just looked at the support check. Wow! The handwriting looks like he had trouble writing it - or he was very angry. The handwriting is shaky with lots of corrections. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles,

I think the way you looked in court, compared to how he looked, made him feel ashamed.

Perhaps he thinks it is you who is moving on.

Alph.

Replying to my own posts again. Sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I don't know that I have been doing Plan B properly the last week. There was the phone conversation Friday when WH called on my cell (he must have written the check right after that). Then today with him sticking his foot in the door.

Until now, it WH hasn't really tried to have much contact. He would occasionally try to 'work on the pool' or we'd have incidental sight-only contact when transferring the children.

Now it seems that I am seeing him more often, even if only for business-type transactions (court, checks, getting 'stuff'). Should I have refused to let him have the cooler and chairs out of the garage? Technically, the things in the garage are his, too. Do I close the door in his face? Seems rude. I try to be pleasant and kind, but detached, when I do have to have contact. Maybe he thinks I am not serious about Plan B? If I enforce no contact too intensely, will he think that I've changed my mind and I want a divorce after all (like he says he does)?

Sorry for the whining. I am very confused right now. I don't think I'm doing this very well.

Hi, Alph.

Thank you for your post. I was feeling all alone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Maybe he does think that I'm the one who is moving on. I have given that impression, I guess. He did seem intent on letting me know he had a lot of plans. There was no need for him to tell me he had plans on his next weekend pick up - it's two weeks away! Unless he was trying to be polite?

Now he looks the way I always liked - clean cut and wholesome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Since he left, WH has looked scruffy and a bit unkempt. Maybe some of his clean up is in reaction to me???? I always thought the facial hair was something he did for MOW. I am not a facial hair fan.

But then, maybe the facial hair just made him feel too hot in the summer.

I have looked at the handwriting on the support check over and over. It is very strange to me - his handwriting, but very different. He traced over some of the letters of my name several times. The memo section where he wrote the check was for support is very shaky and smeared. Odd.

{{{Pebbles}}}

In my opinion, you are making too much contact, though of course I know how difficult it must be. I'll probably be the same when I go into plan B.

If he wants to get his stuff from your place, he should arrange it through your intermediary, set a time to collect it, and take it without bothering you.

The point of plan B is to let him know what divorce would mean - what life completely without you - would feel like. He must know that D is an option, that you will be prepared to do it if necessary - after all, you have filed.

You aren't whining. But a little less contact might be more effective for you.

Alph.

Pebbles, I suspect he is testing your resolve a little bit here. I think you handled the lawn chair thing right, though. I think he was trying to bait you into a fight and was hoping you would say no so he could have a reason to be angry.

That being said, I think it's time to nip his little excursions in the bud to make sure he understands you are serious about no contact. ["business like" transactions are still contact and are taboo] The next time he tries to come in, I would ask him to please respect your request for no contact and refer any contact to your attorney. Then politely close the door.

That is not rude, Pebbles. What is rude is not respecting your request for no contact. He is showing a lack of respect by disregarding this.

If he wants to get stuff out of the garage, he needs to make a request through your attorney. You are not the Wayward Husband Storage Facility, after all, and he should not feel free to come get stuff out of the garage when the spirit moves him. He is the one that chose to leave.

I am almost thinking that another letter might be in order, but that would be contact, which is a big no no. I want to see what Gimble thinks about this.

P.S. while some may disagree with me, I think your conversation with him the day after court was necessary and very beneficial. The court proceedings were a huge blow to him and I think he needed to hear some kindness from you after this ordeal. I think he needed to know that you have not closed that door and just your tone conveyed this.

Hi Pebbles,

I think that you're doing great! I mean, you've never had to go through anything like this before, and you're learning so much along the way.

I've been following Alph's thread as well. I think that the two of you are two very amazing women.

Cat

Hi, Alphin.

At first it wasn't very difficult because WH seemed happy to not have to talk to me. I know that the WS usually tries to make contact as Plan B continues, but is what my WH is doing the stuff that usually happens with a WS in Plan B - trying to fix things, get things, go over money?

This was the first time since Plan B started that he has wanted to get something out of the garage to take with him. I will have to tell him, if he comes by to get anything again, to arrange a time with my mom when I will not be home.

I'm kind of surprised that he didn't just go buy some lawn chairs and a cooler. That's what he has done for most things he used to have here - replace them with new things.

Of course, he still tells everyone he wants a divorce as soon as possible. He even told the process server he was happy when the divorce papers were served.

The contact he is making doesn't seem at all like 'interested' contact, if that makes sense. On the other hand, I never contact him or try to talk to him.

Perhaps the thought of me moving on upsets him a little? You'd think, if he really does want a quick divorce, me moving on would make his life much easier.