Hi, Gimble.

I agree. When he lived with us, I would have read the fine print and let him know what he wanted to know. Now that he no longer wants me around, it will be up to him to figure it out.

This goes along with him playing the martyr. He feels like he is making sacrifices (giving up everything, as he likes to say), in order to get what he wants.

That makes sense. I am sure some of his enabling buddies and/or MOW are also telling him he should not let me get away with denying him his rights, real or imagined, fueling his sense of entitlement. He can't let me 'win.'

I will ask her to send him a copy.

Step back so I am not crushed under his weight? Or so he doesn't take me with him on the way down? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tonight I sent the kids out the door when I saw WH pull up in front of the house. I looked out the window and saw him standing outside the door of his truck. The next-door neighbor was talking to him. I wonder how that went. The next door neighbor has a very low opinion of WH because of what happened.

WH must have gotten his fix of whatever it was he needed when he was here Monday morning, enough to last him so he didn't need a fix tonight.

Hi, TogetherAlone.

You just may have something here. He has always felt like he was 'not quite good enough.' He would compare himself to his brothers and other men and say things like, "You'd be better off with someone who made more money," or, "I bet you wish you could have a big house like that." I would always tell him that I was satisfied with him just the way he way he was and that I was happy with the life we had, and I meant it. Maybe his insecurity was what he wanted me to protect him from?

When he talked about things that bothered him about me, all he talked about were ways in which he thinks I failed him. I failed him by not having a high-enough paying job (to go with my 'expensive' education - his words), not sacrificing enough for our family, being selfish by wanting to be with the kids, not taking care of the house the way he wanted, etc., etc. It tends to make me feel like I don't have a whole lot going for me as far as being a wife. Although, I have to say I've been doing pretty well taking care of things on my own since he left, so I can't be all that much of a failure.

Speaking of which, I finally fixed the pool problems - all by myself. The kids and I spent most of the afternoon playing in the pool and eating Popsicles.

Hi, wannabophim.

I worked so hard in the beginning to get him to spend time with the kids. I even tried to facilitate conversation when he would visit, when the kids didn't want to talk to him. I still have never said anything derogatory about WH to the kids. Still, they know what is going on (WH told them he left for another woman), and he rarely calls them.

The struggles we have had so far have been instigated by WH, in my opinion. He wanted to have the kids for overnights with his MOW as soon as he left, and he was acting so strangely I was afraid he might not return the kids to me, so I felt we had to come up with a visitation plan. He threatened to withhold financial support (and did for a while), then gave us a pittance, so I had to take him to court. I don't know what else I could do. I can't avoid the struggles just so WH will deign to be with his kids occasionally.

Please know that my frustration is not directed at what you wrote, wannabophim. I am just saddened and frustrated by the kind of man my WH has become.

Peb,

Just saying hi. I'm sorry he's such an idiot. Mine is too, but mine is obsessively keeping in touch with his kids. AT least at the moment.

But mine seems to be turning into a drunk. Nothing I can do for him. And he told me he drank because of me! Guess it's still my fault.

Sorry for moaning on your thread. I think you are doing great. I wish our WHs could open their eyes and see the goodness they are throwing away.

Alph.

Hey, Sleepless. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Speaking of us not being their parents... From what WH told me about his MOW, and from what people who have met her have said, it almost seems like he was looking for a mommy for himself. He chose a MOW who is older and tells him what to do. He also choose someone with whom he has no obvious chemistry (according to reports) and who is not physically attractive. I treated him like a man and expected that he would act like one. I know I contributed to the state of our marriage before the affair and there were things I could have done differently. Maybe not being his mommy was one of the things I did wrong?

I wonder what it was that finally made WH snap. It was probably a combination of many little things.

Thanks, I needed that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (Disclaimer for the politically correct: Top Gun reference - not an actual threat).

Hi, Alph.

Hmmm, if he is so blissfully happy, why does he need to drink so much? One wonders... You and I have so much in common - everything is my fault, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Alph, you are welcome any time. I don't think you are moaning. I follow your thread and I think you are being incredibly strong. Thank you for the encouragement and commiseration. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Yes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />



Funny how that works. Is he the one that was betrayed himself?

My DS8 called it the 'D' word. He was really upset when it happened to him.



It sounds more like he just likes the attention. He wants to know how wonderful he is by fishing for compliments. He should just do those things and not worry if he gets a compliment. It's called being a good husband!

My wife has always wanted to control the situation to feel like she was protected. She found she could control a 19 year old boy and that made her feel safe. When she couldn't control me, that made me unsafe. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Sleepless.

This was a different neighbor. Most of the neighbors know what happened. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

The thing is, I did compliment him. For instance, if he took care of the kids and brought me breakfast in bed when I was sick, I always made a point of thanking him for taking care of me and telling him how much I appreciated his help.

It sounds like your WW had kind of a reverse icky situation of my WH. Your WW wanted someone to control. My WH apparently wants someone to control him, in a mommy sort of way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Hi Peb.



Sounds like my WH, too. She's 10 years younger than him, but nearly as tall (he's 6 foot) and built like a Soviet lady shotputter (sp?). MIL says she's a 'strong' person.

I don't even want to go there... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Is this odd?

I just got a phone call from WH's doctor's office. At first I thought it was a telemarketer, so I said he was not available. The caller stated where she was calling from and asked who I was. She wanted to leave a message reminding WH about his appointment tomorrow. I told her he doesn't live here any more. She paused for a moment, said, "Oh, I'm sorry," then said WH was a relatively new patient and had given the office my number very recently and had listed my name as a contact person. I again stated he no longer lives here, then gave her his cell phone number. I will not be the wayward husband answering service.

I also got WH's lab results in the mail from the doctor's office. I would not open private medical information, but this was a folded postcard type of thing that was mostly unsealed. It was easy to see the results. WH is not a healthy man (not cancer or anything like that, but high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc.).

Why would he use my name as a contact person? It is not as if he just forgot to change the information when he moved out - he started seeing this doctor in the last two months. Why would he want the doctor's office to use my phone number and address?

I just thought it was kind of strange. He has everything else of any importance sent to his secret P.O. Box.

Oh, Pebbles, that's easy. It's a (probably subconscious) attempt to ensure you see his martyrdom. The poor man has had to see a doctor because of you! Look how sick you've made him! Doesn't it make you feel guilty and anxious to look after him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And more importantly, it keeps you engaged. Remember what I said about his need to keep you involved in his life? This is one of the ways he can try to do it.

Scrape him off. Give the surgery his new address and decline to take any messages. If any doctor's mail arrives for him, bin it. He has to take responsibility for ALL aspects of his life by himself now.

Go read a book, phone a friend, above all FORGET HIS HIGH CHOLESTEROL. None of your business now. Don't give him an excuse to engage you.

TogetherAlone

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
=================================
I also got WH's lab results in the mail from the doctor's office. I would not open private medical information, but this was a folded postcard type of thing that was mostly unsealed. It was easy to see the results. WH is not a healthy man (not cancer or anything like that, but high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc.).
=================================

He might as well have sent you a note; "Dear Pebbles. You suck, but I want you to know what all this is doing to me. It's all your fault, but I want you to feel sorry for me anyway because I did this to you and me and because I might be back one day, at least that is what I want you to think. See, I am keeping myself in front of you through this card, even though you told me to stay away. YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE OF ME. I RuleZ. The basketball is in the back seat of the truck bed, but it is your fault. In May, the flies fly, but who really notices anyway. Come and play my game, come and play my game. Na naa, na, naaa, naaaaa."

How should you respond? Well, you shouldn't but if you wanted to respond in kind, sending him a plastic light saber would be in order. Maybe he can slay all those pretend bad wives chasing after him. "Bad Pebbles! Back! Back!"

Please toss the card in the trash and forget about it. It is not your responsibility. Also, please go and find some adults to spend time with. It will do you some good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God bless,
Gimble

Thanks, TogetherAlone and Gimble. I did get the impression he wanted me to see his results and know about him seeing a doctor. Again, I am making his life miserable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I gave the doctor's office his cell phone number and I threw the lab results card in the trash. He can play his game all by himself. If he is as happy with his new life as he claims to be, why can't he just leave me alone and quit playing games with me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Ahhh, time with adults. That would be great! But usually when I am with adults, I am also with my kids. I have to say, it does seem like the maturity level of my kids and their friends exceeds WH's maturity level right now.

Oh, Gimble, we used to have one of those plastic light sabers around here, but I don't know where it went. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add: I think part of the reason this behavior of WH's is so hard for me to understand is because it is so beneath him. I never thought of him as being immature and the junior high game-playing type.

Hi, Alph.

She sounds 'sturdy.' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Man, I wish I could post a picture of her on the photo thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

BTW, you are a bad Pebbles for making ickle WH sick. BAD Pebbles! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
===============================
I think part of the reason this behavior of WH's is so hard for me to understand is because it is so beneath him. I never thought of him as being immature and the junior high game-playing type.
===============================

I will tell you what life has taught me;
Anyone, is capable of anything, at any time.

God bless,
Gimble

Pebbles, my WH uses our phone number for contact purposes too. Even for the 42" flat screen plasma TV that was on backorder. My, oh my, did the poop ever hit the fan over that.

I think our WHs are so completely fogged out that they put our info down by reflex. Like they can't get their heads around it either.

Maybe you should send Bam Bam some gift certificates to Mc Donalds. Supersize him a little more...

better yet pebs just take him to the my museum for children and let him loose...maybe he will "discover" something smart. Or he may get in an argument with little susie over a ball. well 3 more days till my BIG trip. it will be nice to "learn" new things. *winks at pebs* I got my nails done today....hair done on sat. this is gonna be fun.

On a good note after my upsetting birthday tuesday....I was feeling low and with the PMS combination it doesnt help....a VERY handsome young monterey police officer came into my work today off duty and flirted with me.....it was nice and flattering to be noticed....it lifted my spirits....and his puppy was sooooooo cute.

not to threak jack but dork was here for visitation tonight....he brought me birthday gifts....totally unexpected....with cards that are like of O.o .....he's saying all these nice wonderful things about me in cards and joking with me....why do i keep feeling like that snake in the grass is gonna strike me????