Not really. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Gimble and Sleepless, it's an interesting debate.

Hi, Sleepless.

Sounds good to me. In fact, I still have a gift card from a local spa WH gave me for Christmas (still haven't used it!). I hope they have someone there who does deep muscle massage. I like to work out hard and get sore muscles before a massage, then have them dig in deep and break up the knots, no such thing as too much pressure. Ooooo, then I could come home, have Chinese food and wine and take a nap. A perfect evening. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> What to do with the children, though?

I think I'll stay out of this one, my cyberspace friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LOL Me too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The kiddos and I are leaving in the morning to go to the beach. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It is supposed to be 106 degrees at home while we are away, but only 75 or so at the beach. Yay! It will be a bittersweet 'family' vacation, our first without WH. He doesn't even know we are going anywhere, as far as I know. I'll have the kids home before his pickup time at 6 p.m. on Wednesday. We usually don't hear from him in the week between Wednesday overnights, so he probably won't even notice we are gone. I hope the kids will have a lot of stories to share with him when we return. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

Have a good trip!!

Gimble

Bon Journee' (The extent of my French!)

Don't forget the sunscreen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pebbles, Have a great time with your kids at the beach.

Hi, Gimble, Sleepless, and milkshake. Thanks for the good wishes for our trip. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We had a great time. The motel had a great pool and spa, and the beach was nice and cool. It was so nice to get away with the kids. My daughter and I split a lobster tail dinner last night. She loved it (she has very good taste, it seems). My son said the lobster tail looked like a giant bug and he wouldn't eat it, LOL. I tried to talk about WH a few times. The kids would not participate in any conversations about him at all.

I made sure we arrived home (to 106-degree heat, phew) in time for the kids to relax a bit and be ready for WH's 6 p.m. pick up time. The phone rang about 10 minutes before pick-up time. I asked son to answer it. It was WH. The conversation that followed is significant, to me anyway, in the fact that WH has not spoken to or seen the children in a full week and had no idea we were three hours away for three days.

Apparently, WH's lair had a power outage. Our city sometimes has power outages that last several hours when the temperature is over 100 degrees. WH was calling to ask me what he should do about the kids' overnight with him tonight. Son told me, "Dad wants to know if you think we should skip tonight or if you think he should come get us in case the power comes back on." I only said, "Let me know what he decides to do." A few seconds later, son said, "Dad still wants to know what you think he should do." I repeated, "Let me know what he decides to do." WH decided to skip the overnight, and reminded son that he would pick the kids up Sunday morning, instead of Saturday night as scheduled in the visitation agreement.

At the beginning of the call, I heard son tell WH that we had just gotten back from a vacation. Son told me after the call that WH did not ask any questions about the vacation, not even if the kids had fun. WH did not ask to talk to our daughter at all, did not even ask son to tell her he said hello.

I thought WH could have at least taken the kids out to dinner and brought them home afterwards (of course, I did not tell the kids this). He has not spoken to them in a week!! Daughter, of course, pretended she didn't care that her dad didn't ask to speak to her, but she was very clingy the rest of the evening and wanted me to tell her I love her over and over again. She is having trouble sleeping now.

I just don't get him. I know that he is only thinking about himself right now, but this is a new level of selfishness, in my opinion. He probably still thinks he has a good relationship with his kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am starting to think that WH just doesn't give a rip about any of us (the kids or me). It almost seems as if he got tired of the responsibilities involved in having a family and decided to try to be single again. I guess it would go along with a midlife crisis?

I remember some things WH said during that one counseling session we had. He in effect blamed the kids for not meeting some of his emotional needs (the counselor agreed). WH was disappointed that our son liked computers more than baseball, etc. - which I found strange because WH's parents made him play baseball as a child and he didn't like it (still doesn't). He was also upset that the kids didn't call him and ask him to do things with them after he moved out.

Gee, can you tell I am a little ticked at WH tonight? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I also got to experience a lot of triggers on our vacation. We drove by the hotel where WH and I stayed for our 15th anniversary last year - the anniversary he later said he was so nice and loving to me 'just for show.' On the way to the beach, we drove by the wineries where we wine-tasted on our anniversary trip and had a very intimate experience in the car on one of the backroads. Now, looking back, I just feel used and stupid.

I should go to bed now.

Hi, Pebbles.

I am glad that you had a good mini-vacation with two kids, and without wayward hubby. That is a real feat of intrepidity.

The deal with hubby's actions is that he is stuck on himself right now. Nothing else matters much. He's kind of like a black hole, and those really do matter munch.

In the mean time, while hubby is learning the ins and outs of addiction, you have to stop wondering why. You won't be able to figure out what is really going on with him. You already know most of the underlying technical reasons. Other than that, he is convinced that his situation has never existed before. He has probably convinced himself that even God is surprised at how uncommon his plight really is. Sadly for hubby, his situation is about as common as the fruit fly in your neck of the woods.

His plight is so common that it is the un-new, a reciprocal to all things new.

So, what can you do? Find something to entertain yourself with while all this wears off, and time has a chance to show him that he has been sitting on the wrong face, and that the cool new look he's been sporting, just seemed like a baboon's bright orange backside, to the rest of the world.

It will get better in time, Pebbles. Hang in there.

God bless,
Gimble

Lobster??? Good for you! Be careful. Once our 8 year old tasted it, we had to tell him everything was lobster to get him to eat. But then, he was 2 then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



It tears at my heart to hear parents who ignore their kids. My wife was only like that while she was all into the 19 year old kid. The advantage I had was that I'm the adult, and I could send the little boy home.

My wife called at 10:30PM the last two nights so I had to wake DS8 up last night to talk to her. He didn't want her to feel bad, so DS8 said,"You didn't wake me up" Wife yelled at me because DS8 said he was awake. I told her. "He's lying to you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.....(HELLO!)" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

She really misses DS8, and is suddenly aware this is going to be difficult. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (I'm shocked! SHOCKED!!) Apparently she's slowly extracting her head from her butt and the light hurts!

DS8 isn't sleeping very well and is waking up in the middle of the night.

Although it's nice to have WW so far away she doesn't bother DS8 and ME, I hope she continues to have a relationship with him when she loses custody. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I saw Hope Floats the other day, and the little girl went running after her dad when he left her mom and her for another woman. BROKE MY HEART.

I'm sorry you have to watch your kids going through this.

(((Pebbles)))

(((Pebbles)))
I'm so glad you got a chance to get away and relax a little. In the alien dork mind there is no rhyme or reason. There is a glitch in the human emotion translator. While we were on vacation we saw the blueman group in Las Vegas. The premis with them is something like they are aliens, they don't talk and everything they come in contact with is to eat or make music with. It is a very cool and funny show. If only all aliens could be that comical and communicate that well without talking!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It sounds like you are doing fine and your kids are not in a fog. The sad thing is the mid-life crisis mind set that its all about him is a lot like the mind set of a child, except he does not accept any responsiblity for his actions, and kids believe they are to blame for everything. Hug your kids and love them as you do everyday. They see things as they are. Don't try to protect WH. I think you handled the situation well letting him make the decision about the overnight. He made a wrong decision but that was HIS decision.

Hi Pebbles!

I'm happy to hear that you had a great vacation with the kids <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're doing so great!

Cat

Hi, Gimble.

Thank you. Actually, I am so used to arranging and managing trips with children (my own and my students) that it was no big deal. I'll admit I was looking forward to a little break and some alone time while the kids were supposed to be staying overnight with WH last night. The kids, on the other hand, said they were glad they got to stay home and sleep in their own beds.

Funny analogy, the baboon's backside. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I know that the chances of his affair lasting much longer are slim, statistically, but he seems so entrenched in it. The whole affair - his choice of partner, the way he went about it - is so inappropriate it seems doomed to fail, but who knows? Next week we will have been separated six months. That's a long time. He may have gotten used to the way things are now.

Of course, I know very little about what he is up to, but I am quite sure they are still together. He is still using that stupid his&her's email address.

I hope it gets better. I still feel like I am in limbo, waiting for the next bomb to drop.

Hi, Sleepless.

I wish I could send WH's old lady somewhere. People warned me that as time went on WH would spend less and less time with the kids. That seems to be what is happening. For a man who used to be devoted to his children, I would think it would be painful for him not to know how they are and not to see them more than once a week or so. When he first left, he had such grand plans of taking the kids fun places (with MOW in the mother role, of course). So far, none of his plans have come to fruition. Maybe he thinks that once he is allowed to have her around the kids, things will be better?

You mean divorce might not be friendly and fun?!? Who would have thought? I'm glad someone seems to be extracting their head from their backside. I hope it's contagious.

That seems to be common for this age group (my daughter being slightly older than your son). I know my daughter internalizes her feelings about this mess. I think the confusion and anger she stuffs inside during the day sneak out at night in the form of bad dreams and trouble sleeping. I'm sorry your son is having trouble sleeping, too. Poor kids. Of course, our WSs would probably still say nothing will change for the kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You must be stronger than I am. I still can't watch anything like that. There are even some commercials that make me teary (but I was kind of like that before, LOL). One of my prayers has been if my marriage is really over, let me not care anymore. I wish I didn't feel so much, so deeply.

Hi, confused42.

Yes, the human emotion translator in WH does seem to be on the blink. He is just so mean and cold-hearted now. The Blue Man Group does sound entertaining. It would be nice if WSs could be like them and entertain us, instead of being mean and irresponsible.

Thank you. I had two reasons for 'forcing' WH to make his own decision about the overnight. The first was he needs to get used to not relying on me to help him make decisions and plan activities for him and the kids (reality if we are going to be divorced). My second reason was I didn't want him to be able to say that I told him he couldn't see the kids.

Hi, Cat.

We did have a good time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'd like to take the kids on another short trip in a few weeks, before school starts. I'll have to save up a bit.

I just had a thought. The way the custody/visitation is arranged, it will be hard for WH to take all those fun weekend trips he was planning in his mind for him, MOW, and the kids. The longest time period he has the kids is from 6 p.m. on Friday to 6 p.m. on Sunday. That wouldn't be much time for driving to, say, Disneyland (5+ hour drive), unless they drove at night. Maybe being a part-time dad won't be as fun and easy as he thought it would be. Plus, he won't have as much extra money as he thought he would have. Fun places can be expensive.

Thank you for saying so. I am trying, but a lot of it is for show. I am just trying to survive each day and have a little fun here and there. I am hoping the day comes soon when things either get better or I just don't care anymore.

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
===========================
People warned me that as time went on WH would spend less and less time with the kids. That seems to be what is happening.
===========================

That's pretty common when his relationship with John's wife is taking more and more time to maintain, as opposed to moderating as he originally assumed.

It is normal for proper relationships to moderate with time. With an affair, the ugly shows through the second you stop waxing a shine out of it. It begins to demand regular feeding. The participants have to keep feeding that need, only the required doses keep getting larger, just like most other addictions.

I don't much care for forward looking predictions, but I suspect that 'introduction day', which as I recall is coming up in August, will be the death knell for the affair.

I'm not much of a coddler, Pebbles, but I would give you a big hug if I could.

God bless,
Gimble

Here I am, not able to sleep again, so I'll ramble on and on yet again. Sorry. It doesn't help that it's 11:30 p.m. and it's 85 degrees outside and I have a monster headache. It's soooo hot! I took two Benadryl, maybe that will help. The dogs are stretched out in the entryway, with their bellies on the cool tile. Maybe I should try that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I like the way my son explained it: "When you are cold, you can always put more on - but when it's hot, there is only so much you can take off."

I know I am going to be admonished for not embracing Plan B. I know that I am supposed to be working on my own life and not worrying about WH - and I am trying, but failing a lot of the time. Really, how long will it take for me to not give a &%$# anymore? Geez, I can't even type cuss words, let alone say them, even when I'm really mad or upset. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> How long will I be a goody-two-shoes dork? Sometimes I wish I could just wake up in the morning and be over this, not feeling anything at all, ready to move on. What is wrong with me that I am willing to take all this cr&p and still forgive?

Everyone else (my parents and sister, the kids, WH's parents and family, WH, friends) seems to have accepted what has happened and moved on. Sometimes I think I should be able to accept what has happened, too. Surely there is someone out there who will think I'm worthy of being treated decently. I mean, I'm not "all that," but I'm worth more and better than I'm getting right now. Do I have a giant "L" for loser printed on my forehead or something? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Okay, shutting up now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Gimble.

You posted while I was typing my self-pitying, whiny rant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I hope so. I can't imagine the hag would want to take care of my kids (especially my daughter, who looks just like me) when she doesn't even want to live with her own son.

I didn't think about WH spending less time with the kids as possibly being a sign that his affair is taking more time to maintain. Hmmm...interesting.

Thanks, Gimble. I'll take that hug. I could sure use it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />