Hi, Pebbles.

Okay. Is John's wife oriental? If so, are her parents first generation americans?

Gimble

Gimble,

She is Japanese. I don't know if her parents are first generation. I know they have lived in the U.S. for a very long time.

In fact, angry-at-inlaws SIL said she thinks one of the reasons MIL and FIL adore MOW so much is because they used to host Japanese exchange students (this was after WH moved out of their home).

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
==========================
She is Japanese. I don't know if her parents are first generation. I know they have lived in the U.S. for a very long time.
==========================

Ahhhhhh.

That makes a lot of sense now. Her going home to her folks at night is what keyed me in. A cultural thing.

In any case, you REALLY need to expose the affair to her parents. Make sure you include information about your children, ages, and the financial impact this has had on your family.

I will think about this overnight. It also helps me understand what your husband is all about. I will post more as the abstract becomes clearer. I wish I had known this earlier.

God bless,
Gimble

Well, how about that? I found my old background search on John's wife. I put her maiden name and the city where I think her parents live in a phone number and address search. I have tried it before, but got nothing. This time I got only one phone number and address listed for that name in the whole city (small city neighboring my city - WH's lair is in that city...coincidentally). The name is very traditional Japanese. I have no idea if it is her parents' information or not.

Gee, what would I say to them????

Hi, Gimble.

My mother-in-law told me before, after finding out WH's MOW is Japanese, "They really know how to treat a man." I didn't make too much of it before, because it seemed kind of racist and I didn't think MOW's race had much to do with anything.

With her being older and (possibly) from a traditional Japanese family, it looks more and more like WH wanted a mommy and/or a subservient woman to do his cooking and cleaning and cater to his every whim. As I've mentioned before, MOW is the absolute opposite of me: I am not controlling, but I am not subservient (and have no desire to be). I am outgoing and talkative, she is quiet. Our coloring is opposite. She is stocky, I am thin. Just about whatever physical or personality trait you could think of, she is the opposite of me (from what I am told).

But....he did seem happy with me, and even seemed proud of me, for a very long time.

Hi, Pebbles.

What you do is tell them who you are, who your husband is, and the depth of their relationship. Include comments about court, visitation, financial obligations. Also let them know how devastated your family is as a result of their ongoing actions. Be creative.

Then call them on the phone and see if they can speak english. Send the letter certified mail, designated recipient.

On to other stuff. So John's wife can meet some of your hubby's needs. Big deal. She didn't meet her hubby's needs very well.

There is a down side to all this. She also expects to be financially taken care of. Your hubby is not in a place to do that. There are also other expectations that he won't be able to meet. There is likely a discrepancy in sex drives between the two.

They way he handles your children is going to be a big deal. Your children are not going to like being played as pawns. Fireworks will set this relationship on fire.

I am sorry to be disjointed, and I will have more tomorrow.

I also think that workplace exposure for BOTH should be executed immediately. There is a good possibility that embarrassment will drive her away from the relationship. Besides that she has done all this before. She doesn't like complications.

Don't worry about hubby's job, he has to meet his obligation regardless.

Please before anyone jumps on me, have a good look at the situation - all of it, them flame away.

Time for another round of exposure Pebbles.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

I think I might make a pay phone call to the number I have to see if it belongs to her parents. I guess I could ask for her, since she lives there most of the time. That way I could find out if they speak English, too.

You mentioned that she would expect WH to financially support her. I think her current husband is still financially supporting her, to some extent. I know that she doesn't pay child support for her son. Interesting. And sex drive differences? Hmmm...

I am thinking about what you posted, and I look forward to what you will post tomorrow.

About the children: When my son got home today, he said that while he was at WH's Sunday he set up a sleepover with a friend at our house - for Wednesday night (WH's night). Son said he got WH's okay. I usually always approve sleepovers, so he knew I'd say yes. I asked the kids if daughter would be going to WH's that night. She told me, "If he gets to stay home, I want to stay home, too." She was quite adamant. She refuses to call WH to ask him if she can stay home. I don't want to force son to act as an intermediary. What do I do with this situation?

P.S. My daughter always sleeps on a reclining chair in the living room at WH's, near where her brother sleeps on a fold out sofa bed, not in the special room WH set up for her. When I asked her why today, she told me, "I hate that stupid room." I think the kids may be beginning to express themselves. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles,

Your anniversary plans sound like fun, but be forewarned that women can be real animals! I went twice when I turned 19 (legal age here) with a girlfriend, but I was always designated driver and didn't get to drink, so it wasn't much fun... I got to see the other women make fools of themselves. Be a fool and have fun!

In regards to what your SiL said - beware words coming from SiLs. If it's true, if it's all true, then you're better off without him, IMVHO. I hope that you're able to do what's right for you.

Cat

like we discussed in the car on our san fan trip...should her parents be traditional japanese immagrants....honor is key to them....and what she is doing is severly disgracing her families honor. if she is exposed to her parents....they might have a lot of pull on her if she is so "subservient"....she wouldn't disgrace her father or be shunned. i know very little japanese....if I knew more i would call and talk to them for you.

Hi, Cat.



I am thinking the truth is probably hiding somewhere between the lines of what my SIL said. She was angry with my inlaws, so she may have exaggerated some of the details. Also, I should say that this SIL has never felt fully accepted by many of the other inlaws, so she may have some resentment coloring her words. Still... If I knew the whole truth (which I may never know), it would help me make a final decision about what I want to do. Although, it doesn't seem to make much difference what I want.

Hi, Surviving.

I called, but I couldn't get a good idea of how much English they speak or if it's even the right phone number. It may carry more weight if they are told about the affair in Japanese. I don't know. I don't think I know anyone who speaks Japanese. I know people who speak Hmong, Spanish, Cambodian, Laotian, French, and a few other languages, but no Japanese.

Her parents must know she is married and does not live with her husband and son. I wonder how she explained that to her parents?

Something else that may or may not be significant...

I mentioned that WH's brother and the SIL that were affair partners and are now married have become bosom buddies with WH and MOW. WH's parents accepted the new wife almost immediately and have never spoken to the first wife again (the new wife is not Asian like MOW). Maybe a pattern? Although, the brother and his first wife had a history of a very rocky marriage, and she was emotionally abusive to him. WH and I were not known for having any problems and everyone thought we were happy, including me.

Edited to add: The affair partner BIL and SIL did keep their affair secret from MIL and FIL until a year after BIL's divorce, so that my have helped with them accepting her. They don't seem to have much of a problem with WH still being married, if what my other SIL says is to be believed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

I am sure there is some kind of translation service online (not hosted by spammers or criminals) that will do a translation for a nominal fee. If you will find one, let me know where it is, and I will pay for it.

In the mean time, start on the letter.

I might know someone to do the translation after all. My son in law is fluent in a number of oriental languages. I will ask and get back with you.

Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

You are so kind. If the letter needs to be translated, I would be more than happy to pay for it myself - worth every penny. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I could use my spousal support money to pay for it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I would like to make sure that I have the correct address, before going too much farther. It would be a shame to send the letter to the wrong people. Imagine their surprise!

I will start on the letter. I am thinking maybe I should go about it as if perhaps their daughter is not aware her current lover is married? As if I am respectfully trying to help them avoid dishonor?

Hi, Pebbles.

Son in law can handle it and it will be free if you like.

Get the letter ready and I will give you an email address when you are ready.

If you would prefer to do it on your own, that will be fine too - and you won't hurt my feelings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I like your approach so far.

God bless,
Gimble

Gimble,

You are the greatest. I appreciate your and your son-in-law's very kind offer to help me with the exposure letter. However, it won't be necessary because I exposed by phone just a few minutes ago!!!

I called the number I had again. I asked for MOW. The man who answered (her dad?) said she was at work right now. Ah ha! The correct phone number and address! He seemed to have quite a good grasp of English. Maybe I called the wrong number when I tried before?

As I was driving home from the pay phone, I thought "what the heck, I'll have a chat with mom or dad." I pulled over and called the number again on my cell phone. Mom answered. She was very nice. I very respectfully explained the situation. I told her that I was not sure that her daughter was aware WH is married. The mother said WH told them he had been divorced for a year when he met them. Mother told me she met him about a year or so ago. She said that if her daughter is aware that WH is married, she definitely does not approve (her emphasis).

She said she would have a talk with her daughter this evening and that she was very sorry for what was happening to my family. She offered to pray for us!

I made sure she knew the date I found out about the affair and the date I filed for divorce - and the reason I filed, to get WH to pay child support. She told me to call her back if there was anything she could do for me!

She seemed like a very nice, polite, moral person. I hope she does talk to her daughter tonight. If so, there will probably be some fireworks around here sometime very soon.

I wish I would have had the information to make this call a few months ago. I hope it is not too late to make a difference.

So, what do you think?

I think calling the mother was good. She heard the sadness in my voice. She said I sounded like a nice person.

Pebbles,

I know your post was for Gimble, but I have to say:

YOU ROCK, GIRL!

*applause*

Alph.

Thanks, Alph. It wasn't easy to punch the numbers in my cell phone. I was sweating bullets, and not just because it's 109 degrees!

I made sure to tell Mother about our children, their ages and how much they miss their father. I also told her how much sadness and shame this situation has brought to my family. She seemed very compassionate.