I just can't get over your WH's parents. I want to smack your MIL badly for being cruel to you, Pebbles. How did this woman ever get so mentally and morally mixed up that she would blame the victim for defending herself? Unbelievable.

If I found out my son was having an affair, there would be HELL to pay and it wouldn't be pretty. I sure wouldn't be siding with him over his victims. By the time I got done with that boy, he would wish he weren't born! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Real Adrenaline rush huh? If your MIL is so convinced WH would not stop financial support, have her ask her darling son to see the cancelled checks. Just hold that mirror up for her..... it's ugly isn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, a packet containing my letter and a copy of WH's "no support" letter is on its way to MIL and FIL. I sent it Priority Mail and Registered Mail (for a signature upon delivery). I can check online to see when it is delivered and who signed for it.

Even with all this proof, they will probably be able to delude themselves that it's not true. They will probably say "he didn't mean it" about the "no support" letter.

I already sent it, so there is probably no point in posting it here, but here it is, for your perusal and/or entertainment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

******Letter deleted for 'security' purposes.*****

Good job, Pebbles!

In your letter to the OW's parents, I hope you also mention that your H actually cancelled the health insurance for you and his children. Does your MIL know about that?

Pebbles:

BY any chance did you post his refusal of support letter on this thread. I would like to see that letter.

Thanks

Lemon

Pebbles

If I were you, I'd just settle back and let your in-laws struggle through this one. Don't work too hard on convincing them of the wrongness of their position - it's a losing battle.

Things were OK-ish as long as your MIL could remain in denial about much of what was happening. Of course it's ludicrous to think that WH and OW haven't been intimate - but you can see how much she's had to distort her rationality to reach a place where she feels comfortable about how her offspring is behaving. Her rose-tinted spectacles are probably ruby and opaque right now! But exposure has blown that away for her. Now there is a family - a respectable, honorable couple - who know some uncomfortable truths. It has become almost impossible for her to maintain her denial in the face of this. She's probably terrified that they will contact her to ask her why she raised a son who would tell such a big lie, and there's not much she can do except to tell some big lies herself!

The only person she can blame is you.

So now she's projecting all those suppressed and unacknowledged emotions - her fear, her shame and her anger - onto you. Most of her anger is about WH and herself, whatever she's actually saying. Everything that's wrong with him is your fault - that way, she doesn't have to acknowledge her own guilt. After all, why did she phone you? What could she possibly get out of it, except the unconscious hope that you would blow up and lash out at her, so that she could pin all the bad feeling onto you?

And you didn't play the game. Boy, she must be volcanic by now.

Just don't take it personally, OK? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

TogetherAlone

HEY! Welcome to my world. I knew you had it too easy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Send the financial support letter. I got the same pushback from FIL and MIL. FIL backed WAY off when I started reading E-Mails between WW and OM19. I asked him if he wanted me to mail him copies, he didn't need to see them.

Whoever said "denial" was dead on. Surely you've seen that type of behavior as a teacher. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> "My little Billy would NEVER do anything like THAT."



Drama Queen? I'm amused about the fact that she thought you "had no right" to tell the MOW's parents. She has NO right to tell you how to handle YOUR marriage. She wasn't up there at the altar making promises. It's all important in painting a picture of your situation.

My MIL was more worried about WW's career when the police came than the fact she was beating the crap out of me and boinking a 19 year old. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Well, if you didn't want her to be in trouble, maybe you should have SPANKED her more! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />



Why does SHE care about MOW's parent's health? How can she really believe they're in bad health? MOW and WH have lied about everything else! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You're having some fun now. Doodie everywhere. You're right, you should have done this weeks ago. Where's the popcorn??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Don't apologize for your husband, say you're sorry that her son has embarrased her so much. Make sure you send the letter. It should add gasoline to the fire. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />



News flash. It would be ALL their daughter's and WH's fault. Your Teflon baby. Just sit back and watch the fireworks. Their are consequences to actions I believe.

Thanks, MelodyLane. May I watch? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Same here. My boy's mamma raised him better than that!! As a mom and a teacher, I have always been big on people taking responsibility for their own actions. I have never let any child in my care use the excuse of "it wasn't my fault," "he/she made me do it," or "I couldn't help it" to explain his/her bad behavior. Funny, WH was like that with our kids, too. I guess it was one of those 'do as I say, not as I do' kinds of things.

Hi, Lemonman.

No, I don't believe I have posted WH's refusal of support letter. The main focus of the letter was what WH wanted changed in the visitation/custody agreement we were working on at the time.

The letter contains about four paragraphs of "delete section 2.3," "add blah, blah, blah to section 6.6," and so forth. About four-fifths of the way through the page, WH wrote this statement: "Please be advised as of 04/11/05 I will no longer provide financial support." Then, to show what a devoted father he is/was, he added: "I hope we can reach an agreement soon. I miss my children very much. Sincerely, [signature]."

I am sure it was a ploy to intimidate me to agree to his demands. He admitted as much when I called him to ask if he really intended not to provide financial support. He said he would give us money when I gave him what he wanted (immediate overnight visits with MOW, give up rights to property, no child support until final division of assets, etc.).

Hi, TogetherAlone.

I think that is what I'll do. I sent the letter, now I'll just stay dark. They went for a long time without calling me before this, so why should they need to call me now?

It must be some kind of family trait, distorting reality to rationalize and justify bad behavior, to make it acceptable. I never really noticed it before. Well, to be honest, I had noticed it with MIL occasionally, but never with WH.

So, why do these people, my family for goodness sake, want to project their anger onto me? (Whine) I must have some kind of target painted on my backside, LOL, or a "kick me" sign.

I keep wondering why MIL called me, too. What on earth could she possibly have hoped to gain? Unless, as you said, she was hoping I'd go ballistic so she could say, "See, she's crazy! And evil! No wonder my poor baby had to leave her!" If she was really so disgusted with my 'lack of character' why would she waste her time calling me? Why not just complain to a sympathetic listener (WH, for instance)?

Molten mother-in-law.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

It's kind of hard not to take it personally. All of the attacks are so...personal. I am trying to think of it as shining a bright light into a room full of vampires. The light burns, so they hiss and have to go hide, then they come back out in the darkness to try to sink their teeth into my neck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Sleepless.

Well, at least I am in good company. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I keep telling myself that all the anger is a sign that the exposure worked to accomplish something. I guess it's better than hearing nothing and wondering if it had any effect.

Like the time at school when a child threw a brick at another child and the mother said, "Well, there really isn't a lot for him to do at recess."<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Like others have said, I also think a lot of MIL's support for WH springs from guilt that she was never really very close to him before. Now she can say, "See what a supportive mother I am? I am defending my baby against the evil Pebbles!"

I don't know that I'd call it 'fun' really, but it is interesting - and I like popcorn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If I look at it in an analytical kind of way, the psychological aspects of this situation are fascinating.

There is another angle on 'MIL the drama queen' that I didn't think of until now. She may have called me because she hoped (possibly subconsciously) it would put her in the spotlight and get her some attention. If I had yelled at her or disrespected her, she could cry "poor me" and get sympathy. Knowing her, that actually makes a lot of sense. She has always liked to be the center of attention and have everyone feel sorry for her and cater to her. I know, it sounds mean, but this is an aspect of her personality that all the sons and DILs have noticed and commented on before. Even my parents have noticed this behavior in MIL.

Of course, she could always claim I was mean to her, even though I wasn't. I hope either FIL or WH really was on the extension during our conversation.

Hi, Pebbles.

Please make sure that other woman's parents get their letter and proof first, before mom and pop in law.

This is important.

You have a had a busy day :-)

Next to concentrate on is their respective businesses.

I know that you want to be venerated by the truth presented to the inlalalandlaws, but it is important to finish the exposure first. You aren't going to change their mind anyway, even if they could use an updated model <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Leave them for last.

God bless,
Gimble

You're above all of this. You didn't start it, you didn't inflame it, you just introduced all the actors in the production. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you bear no responsibility for any of THEIR actions. Take the morale high ground, and it's easy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />



Having your mommy protect you hasn't been cool since Kindergarten! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> That's why we don't bring our mothers to court with us!


Fun..... Fascinating.... It's symantics! Enjoy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Sorry if my spelling is off. I'm an Enjinear you know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Gimble.

Aaagh! I already mailed the letter to the inlaws! You did spur me into action, though. I can have the information for John's wife's parents in the mail in the morning.

***Letter deleted for 'security' purposes.******

Thanks, Sleepless, for the pep talk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I have to remember that any problems that occur in MOW's family are of MOW's making. If MOW and WH are not doing anything wrong, they should have no problem with me exposing the truth. I saw a quote on another forum I visit. I forget who said it, Gandhi? It was, maybe not word for word: "The truth can never damage a cause that is just."

I really hope WH didn't put his mommy up to calling me. That would knock my respect for him down a few more notches. He should be a man and confront me himself, unless he's too skeeeered. I do have that crotch-level roundhouse kick. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Fun = dinner with friend, amusement park, good book, bike ride. Fascinating = autopsy findings, psychological dysfunction, Discovery Channel documentary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> You engineers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Wow Pebbles... interesting letter. And interesting reaction from MIL... I guess she wants to cover up for WH because she cannot accept the truth.



~A

Pebbles,

Are you going to include a pic of your kids? Maybe the four of you as a family?

I like your letter. I wouldn't change any of it.

I'm curious as to why Gimble said John's wife's parents should get theirs first, can you explain?

Cat

Ah geez, the venom that has been spewed your way...

Let's run through this logic.

MIL:

My son has done a horrible thing by having an A.
I didn't teach him this...or did I?
I am a bad mother.
He has found a good woman in John's Wife, I just wish he had waited till he wasn't M anymore.
If he wasn't M none of this would be a problem.
It's the fact he's M to Pebs that makes this situation wrong.
Why did he M Pebs if he didn't love her?
Perhaps their M was a mistake?
Why did Pebs agree to M if it was going to turn out this way?
Yep, if Pebs didn't agree to M WH and if she would have given him a D long ago this wouldn't be a problem.
I blame Pebs for this...it's all HER fault.
If she weren't still M to my son I wouldn't be feeling guilty about all this...


What interesting family dynamics. The SIL MAY be an ally, or she may be looking for someone else to replace her scapegoat role.

Methinks it is time to Plan B the In-laws...

Work exposure? You mean you haven't yet? Time to get this done, Friday is good for this...