Hey Pebbs.. Yes, I believe they apply to in-laws too!! LOL

It's like karma --- these kind of things may take time to take real visible effect. We can just do what's best at that time and something that we can live with. Our conscience has to be clear.



Similar thing happened here, Pebbles. The reasons WH gave me were so darn trivial, I wonder where he cld dig them out from!! Also, the reason he gave MIL when she pressed him for doing this "evil" thing (the A), was that he had spoilt me during the years of marriage. What a stupid reason is that??? I am not controlling. I do not demand things. I am not a person who crave for lavish goods! And he has siphoned *MY* Money and then tells his mom his reason for having the affair was because he "pampered" me and gave way to me all the time?!?!?!!

It's mind boggling! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />



~A

sorry to borrow your posr pebbles:

yes melody, he must have felt that way. although i don't recall ever demeaning him-all that matters is how he perceived it.

i have realized how wrong i was and i see things differently. i've changed and plan to stay this way.

i see him differently. i respect him and appreciate what i had. he was very special.

i treated him like he was lucky to have me....now i know i was the lucky one.

the song is right...

"you don't know what you've got..until it's gone..and i found out a little too late."

i was acting as if you were lucky to have me"

"i hardly knew you were there and then you were gone and it all was wrong..i had no idea how much i cared... now being without you takes alot of getting used to...i'll learn to live with it...."

will i??

eav, I will see ya over on your thread so I don't interrupt Pebbles, ok?

Pebbles, am glad you didn't have wrassle down WH! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Pebbles.

Hubby has to hate you. It is the only justification with enough oommph to merit his choice of abandonment.

Look at it this way (warning, adult speak ahead, this will sting a bit). If he had wanted some extra sex on the side, that is easy enough to do, but it doesn't look like it was sex he was after.

What he wanted was a different lifestyle, and he thought he could find that with this woman.

She is exotic looking (to him), she has an interesting background. She may not be pretty, but she isn't like every other wife on his block. He wanted it (whatever it is) with a more exotic savoir faire. The more he got to know her, the more she appealed to his sense of fantasy.

The rest is common as common can be. The chemicals came along, and an affair was born.

I doubt that you had a lot to do with the reason behind his affair, Pebbles. Some betrayed spouses contribute greatly to the sorry state of their marriages pre-affair, some don't. I suspect yours was a general neglect. Not malicious. Hubby is the one with the fantasy gone wrong, and now dead.

I will tell you what his main problem is now. How in the hell does he save even an ounce of his dignity and get rid of the dead thing he is dragging around (the affair). He doesn't have a clue. It will take a while for him to figure it out. When he does, he will be camping outside waiting on you to take him back. I don't think he is dumb, just stubborn. Even so, he is intimidated by you. Don't worry about that though, you really can't fix it. Your strength and aplomb likely had a lot to do with his falling for you in the first place, and will facilitate his return.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi, Ashley.

Ah, my sister in suffering. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'll admit I have not always been the perfect wife. I didn't always have dinner on the table at the right time or keep the house spotless (but I did work full time!). I can see areas where I could have done better, and I have worked on them. It would have been nice, though, if WH had told me about things that bothered him, so I would have known! The scourge of the conflict avoider.

So, it's your fault your WH had to have an affair and leave because he pampered you. That's a new one for the Book of Fogese. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I understand, though, because everything is my fault, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Hi, MelodyLane.

Me, too! I just did my nails. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Gimble.

I have always thought it probably wasn't about the sex. He even said, after he left, that sex was great with me (sorry, TMI). I think you hit the nail on the head with what he was looking for with the affair. He has even given me hints to that effect, now that I think back. I'm sure it's typical fog babble, but he said things like, "I just need something different now" and "I've changed and grown a different way." He didn't start blaming everything on me until he had been gone a while.

The reasons why he chose the particular affair partner he chose make sense, too - her being the opposite of me in most ways. I'm nowhere near exotic. I'm more of a California girl-next-door type. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Well, I do admit there were things I could have done better to meet his needs (and he mine). 'General neglect' sounds about right. We took each other for granted. I'm hoping his fantasy is close to being dead, the more reality that sinks in. He may have to hang onto it as long as he can, just to prove to me (and others) he didn't make a mistake.

I hope you are right about what might happen next, Gimble. You've called everything pretty accurately so far, and I know most affairs are doomed to fail. He is definitely not dumb, but he certainly is extremely stubborn and very determined. Plus, he has the backup of friend and some family enablers cheering him on. It seems like there is so much working against me, but I only have my distant view. I have no idea what is really going on with him.

If he'll let me. Very interesting. I have never thought of myself as an intimidating person. Maybe WH is somewhat intimidated by me. Maybe that's one reason he has to 'put me in my place' with things like the stare down, putting his foot in the door, legal threats, and some of his other smooth moves.

Thank you for the insight, Gimble.

I just sent an email to the corporate headquarters of the auto parts company where MOW works. I could not find a phone number. I asked if they have a corporate ethics policy about employees involved in affairs with customers/business partners during company time. We'll see what happens. The email form said I should get a reply within 72 hours (unless they think I'm crazy). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> If I get an encouraging response, I'll give them all the details I know.

The kids just got back from their overnight with WH. He did come to the door with them to help our daughter carry all of the birthday gifts she received from him and his parents. Apparently, MIL and FIL dropped off gifts at WH's lair or he picked the gifts up from them. Daughter was happy - she received an overabundance of gifts (guilt gifts).

I thought it was interesting that WH took daughter to the mall for a while last night, but left son at the lair by himself (son's choice). I am not upset about son being left by himself (he's almost 14), but I am surprised WH would not be worried about son snooping around his lair.

When they got here this morning, WH stayed back a distance from the door and set the gifts on the walkway. He said goodbye to the kids, then turned around and left. He glanced at me quickly, but kept his eyes down the rest of the time.

So, no confrontation about the letters I sent.

Hi, Pebbles.

What was your daughter's mood?

Gimble

Hi, Gimble.

When I asked my daughter if she enjoyed her birthday, she said, "Uh, it was okay." She didn't seem especially happy or upset. She is very tired, though. The kids stayed up later than usual. She is her usual self right now.

'Neak,

I hope you see this.

I remember you said you have 'connections' for finding information. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I could really use some help, if you have the time. I think you put your email address somewhere in this thread, but I can't find it. Would you please email me, when you have a chance? I'll put my email address in my bio for a while.

Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh yeah. That could be a parenting problem. My son asked yesterday to get him something from Toys-R-Us. I told him no way. He just got some Legos for all of the reading work he's been doing. What he really wanted was some quality time with dad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I told him I would leave work early today and pick him up for his Sylvan classes today. I've tried to explain that stuff won't make him happy in the long run. He's starting to notice that I think.



He can't stand to look into the light I guess! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Or, he's thinking I left that lovely creature for this skankosaurus?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to call her in a few minutes after I get off the computer and free up my phone line and will tell her to log on this evening sometime so she can answer you. As close as we live to you, it's probably a toll-free call to just chat with her about your options, and to get your questions answered on the spot, but that would be up to you.

t&l

I'm back - 3 banks, 1 Taco Bell, 1 park, and 1 KMart later. Oh, and don't forget 2 bethrooms. Pebbles, you've got mail!

pebs T_T you forgot about me.....

Exactly!!!! He also said I wasn't romantic enough. I did try to give him attention when he comes back home.. bring him his coffee, etc.. but then he actually AVOIDED coming home! So...??!?!? You can be romantic once in awhile, but passion+romance does not a full-time committed rel'ship make!



LOL, Pebbles. I think someone shld add my WH's "justification" as part of the fog speak list.

I hope you are doing OK and have plans lined up for Fri. I was thinking of you and remember you saying it's a trigger day for you. In a few moments, I'll just TM WH a short and simple happy bday msg.. (it's Fri morn here now) and then I'll continue with my day.

~A

Surviving, check your email. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Sleepless.

Yes, I think what all kids really want is time and attention, not stuff. Actually, that's kind of what I want, too, LOL. My WH is trying to make up for his guilt and his physical and emotional abandonment of the kids by buying them stuff, the common absent 'Disneyland dad' syndrome.

Thanks, I needed that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, t&l. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />