This is in referance to my Eek I need Help thread... H knows Im dealing with a house of sick people so the pressure isn't bad, but H wants me to respond....<P>Can you help me outline something I can pass on to him... Don't want to be mean, but can't give love with OW still so much in H's life..<P>cozy <<<confused>>>

1) Apologize for not responding immediately<BR>2) Explain what caused you not to hear the phone<BR>3) Restate that you want your marriage and family to be happy<BR>4) Restate that you are willing to give 110% to work at it<BR>5) Elaborate and mirror what you hear he felt, and then ask him to clarify his FEELINGS<BR>6) Use the I feel statements: When this happens, I feel... I need.... <BR>a) regarding his attack<BR>b) regarding his indecision<BR>7) Tell him what your game plan has been for coping mechanisms, and ask him if he understands and if he can live with it, and if not what you can do to change<BR>8) Ask him more for input, about how he FEELS when you aren't available, and what he needs you to do to change that feeling<BR>9) remind him that you believe in HIM, and that you believe in YOU and that you believe in "US"<BR>I guess, I would be so ever careful not to offend and to speak the truth in love. <P>DO NOT LOVEBUST, IMPLY BLAME, MAKE DISREPECTFUL JUDGEMENTS, MAKE EXCUSES, DEFEND, OFFEND, OR TALK ABOUT THE PAST.<P>Keep the goal in mind. The goal, the goal, the goal. Convey H O P E in your relationship, in him, in you.<P>And, I'll be sending a prayer up for you as this transmits to you.<P>God Bless.<BR>TNT<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited September 23, 1999).]

What you do now, is learn to understand and learn to be understood.<P>And if you did the perfect plan A once, that is good. <P>After you learn to understand and to be understood - then maybe you can start sorting out your boundaries. But don't worry about boundaries just yet, okay?<BR>

To think about all this right now makes me even more tired...I have to really try hard just to think about saying nice things because H has been so negative and cutting, even to the point of threatening to "take the kids away"...<P><BR>I guess I'll have to just keep on repeating in my mind, Hes hurt and scared, etc. etc..<P>TnT I'll take all of the points you have given me and will try and come up with a type of response that will fit within those boundries...<P>I do wish H would agree to councelling or even reading books...He totally refuses...I asked once if we could negotiate an issue, and I got a "I do enough its time for you to bend". To tell you the truth I can't think of anything (Well he has said he's been looking for a job the past 6 months)that has been done yet...<P>cozy <<<frazzled>>>

You can negotiate later. Right now you need to validate his feelings, and get him to communicate with you.<P>You can lay down your framework/boundaries later.<P>You can think of what you want your husband to do to fix all this later.<P>I am going to say this again, Your job right now is communication.<P>Validate his feelings. And seek to UNDERSTAND first, then maybe you can be understood. <P>You must not "assume" how he is feeling, like Rutger said - maybe he doesn't even know how he is feeling. He is on auto-pilot! For you to understand how he is feeling, you are going to have to be that little miner that digs for gold. You are going to have to try to get him to start talking about how he feels, and he probably is so confused he doesn't even know! But once you start showing that you care about how he feels, but just not sure what that is, then he will try more to understand you.<P>I just don't know how to make myself more clear! <P>Seek to understand<BR>so that<BR>You can be understood.<P>Forget about what you did in the past, what he did, concentrate on accomplishing this one task. VERY KEY!!!!<BR>

Got it... My heads thick....<P>I will learn to listen and understand.. If I dont understand at first, I will work at it untill it is clarified and I do understand...<P>Now...I will not look beyond this untill this is accomplished... <P>One straw at a time, and soon the barn will be clean....<P>thanks, cozy

You are welcome, and I'm praying that God will hold you up through all of this. And give you HIS wisdom that he promises to give when we ask!<P>Bless your sweet heart.<P>And hope the kids are better?<BR>

I think I've seen (cleaned up) the last of the ucky tummy thing.... Everyones been bathed, jammied and are tucked in for the night...<P>Now its my turn to get enough sleep so that I can face another day with energy, and heartfelt enthusiasm....<P>TnT, Im thanking God for you tonight.. Your in my prayers...<P>cozy <<<calmed down>>>