You're right on target with the exposure. If you can push his buttons with the truth a little more, it may push him over the edge. Have you heard from MOW parents lately? You could send them flowers with a card saying, "I heard you were ill from my WH, I hope you feel better soon." That could restart the convseration. "Oh she's such a nice young girl, How could our evil daughter do this to someone so sweet.??!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But wait there's more. If Gimble thinks a response to WH's letter is OK. Why don't you write back?

"I haven't talked to DS about you at all. I don't know why you would believe I put him in the middle." WS's hate to realize the effect they are having on their kids. Just ask a FWS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

AND

"If you think I misrepresented your child support payments, show your family the cancelled checks from (months of non-payment) and that should prove your story."

Now to the fighting business. Except for a small percentage of the population, most people do not enjoy confrontation. See fight or flight response, PSYCH 101.

However, when motivated and justified, it's easy to maintain a controlled anger. You are justified, you're certainly motivated. Throw in some disdain and condescencion for good measure! "If I've said anything to DS, it's that I don't want him to make the same mistakes in marriage that you (WH) did so that he doesn't betray his own wife and family someday" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Come on Gimble, let her send it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (He's going to Veto, but I would imagine the deafening silence works too.

Thanks for the reply, Peb. I am so baffled by these guys...thinking we can withstand ANYTHING! I'm going into the DR. tomorrow, and hopefully he'll change my meds. My WH is so full of alcohol that he has no idea about my health issues. He doesn't care either. He's had some high BP in the past couple of years, but not me. Well...HIS lifestyle has taken a toll on me....NO MORE! Not one word from him since the "reconcile" e-mail. (how sincere!)

Your WH is in a fog beyond words. I am constantly amazed, yet then I realize my WH is a character in the same novel....just a little bit earlier in the story. They ALL seem to follow the same script, don't they?

Hang in there....what you're doing is OBVIOUSLY working!!! The more they complain, the better you're doing. hehehehe

SAR2

{{{Hi Pebbles}}}
I'd say you DEFINITELY got his attention. His letter kind of reminded me of adolescent banter when someody couldn't think of a good come back. "Well, you're sooo immature. Better stop cause you'll be sorry....yeah, you'll be sorry."

If your letter had fallen on blind eyes and deaf ears he would have no need, to reply. It obviously made him uncomfortable.

Hang in there

Hi, Pebbles.

You, of course, don't need to reply to his letter. That would put him in control. That is a big no-no. Sorry Sleepless.

The only letter you respond to is the one that contains his acquiescence to return home and work on recovering the marriage after complying with the stated stipulations in your Plan B letter.

I have no doubt that you are a good parent Pebbles, and that his 'points' are just that, sharpies designed to get you going. Do yourself a favor and forget it.

I can't wait for the work exposure to trickle down into the cracks that are forming. That should prove interesting. Give it a couple more weeks before you follow up.

If you are feeling bad about it, consider this. The affair is breaking your marriage and family apart. Why would anyone protect something that did that. You may not recover your marriage, but breaking up the affair is a perfectly legitimate activity in my opinion. Just keep it legal and above board, and back off whenever you get obsessed with it. Plan B does not agree with my opinion on actively breaking up an affair. Plan B is for your peace and well being, and to save a bit of your love for hubby for recovery.

I just want you to know where my head is. I consider killing his affair is akin to knocking him off the fence. Others may disagree.

For your peace of mind, let it all go for a little while and do something else. Let the plan work and simmer. Don't let yourself get worn down too far. Take care of Pebbles.

God bless,
Gimble

Just having some fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Don't let him get your goat Pebbles!



I would like to know who would disagree with that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

But! Take care of Pebbles. You need her. Her kids need her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> (Shoulder and neck massages at the airport are only $17 for 15 minutes. You should be able to find a deal like that at the local mall maybe.

Haaaaayyyyy!!! I've got an idea! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Write your letter to the alien RIGHT HERE!!! Don't even think of sending it...but GET IT OUT...SPILL IT...DISH, DARLING...

Ashley, very good idea, documenting everything. I found it keeps WH 'honest' (for a guy in an A, LOL). He pays his half of the kids' bills much more quickly when he knows I have documentation.

I don't know how much impact any of this will have on WH's enablers, but it sounds like he is embarrassed. That's good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SHMI, could be... I know that right after WH left, he told me to stop telling our son to email him and tell him I was crying and that he thought WH was being mean. I didn't even know son was emailing him.

I tried to ask son in a round-about way if he'd been talking to WH about what is going on. Son said, "I don't really talk to him much." So, who knows? But it wouldn't be the first time a 14-year-old has his own opinions, without his mommy telling him what to say or think. Of course, WH would think I put son up to it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I will, and thanks!

MelodyLane, that makes sense. He knows my weakness is the children, so he probably knew it would get to me that he thought I was making son be a go-between. About his statement about 'putting my anger aside,' I have never reacted to him in an angry way. I have always been calm and pleasant, but firm, so it could be a ploy to get me to talk. ??? Of course, he could think the exposure has been done out of anger.

Up until Plan B started, WH was adamant that we could be 'friendly' while going through a divorce. He would always chat with me after visiting the kids, like buddies. Sorry, I don't want to be 'friends' with MOW's boyfriend. Be my husband or be gone!

If a 'friend' treated me the way WH has, they wouldn't be my friend anymore!

Hi, Grape. MIL has always been a bit...eccentric. My mom used to work for the same company and MIL and said MIL was known for being a bit 'high strung.' I always told myself, "At least she isn't WH's biological mother" (his biological mother died when he was a toddler). All the children (SIL's and BIL's) have commented that she seems to be having some problems with her memory and cognitive functions, now that she is getting older.

I am sure this is what my WH thinks, too. And I've tried so hard not to say anything derogatory about him to the kids. They don't realize their own actions affect what their kids think of them. We can't help what the kids think on their own, can we?

Hi, SAR2.I think my WH is a bit foggier and more stubborn than most. Hopefully, yours will snap out of it before you get this far along in the story.

Has your WH always had a problem with alcohol, or is this new since he became a WH?

Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, confused.Now that you mention it, it does sound that way. "You look stupid, you better stop it!"

Of course, me being the emotional BS, the part of the letter I first focused on was "I am sorry for the pain I caused you, but you need to move on." That probably was the least significant part of the letter, probably meaning "I am not really sorry, but it makes me look like a good guy if I say I am. Stop making me look bad so I can enjoy my fantasy world."

That's what I think, too. Hee, hee. You hang in there too, confused. It sounds like your WH is starting to have a little reality creep in.

Hi, Sleepless.

As tempting as it is to reply to WH's letter, I won't. When I didn't hear anything about the letters I sent to MOW's parents and WH's parents, it drove me crazy thinking they'd had no effect. The silence was maddening. If I respond to WH, he will know he got to me. If I don't respond, he can enjoy that maddening silence, wondering if I've even read the letter and if it bothered me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry, Gimble, I won't reply. Bam-Bam has a big enough sense of entitlement already, I don't need to enable it.

Thank you, Gimble. I think, even in his foggy state, WH realizes my biggest weakness is when I feel the children are threatened. I can take a lot when it is directed at me, but mess with my babies and there are going to be fireworks! I took a few deep breaths and filed his letter away in my 'things that make me go hmmmm' file.

Okay, I will wait before following up. It is such a big company, with stores nationwide. The human resources person I emailed with is in charge of the whole thing. It makes me wonder if it will be worth her time to investigate. I have learned, however, that silence does not necessarily mean nothing is happening. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

What does it say about me that I don't feel bad about it at all? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Even if it doesn't help to save my marriage, the truth deserves to be known. I'll be so busy with the new school year starting that I won't have time to obsess. That will be good.

My son starts school tomorrow. My daughter starts next week. I'm taking both kids to my classroom today to help set up. I have lots of desk nametags and bulletin boards to make. We have Open House the first day of school, too. At our school, the parents expect a syllabus and a 'speech' from the teachers that night, so I have to prepare.

My new class of fourth-grade victims (oh, I mean students) need her. Bwaaahaahaahaaa....<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sleepless, here in the central land of fruits and nuts, those massages are only $12 for 15 minutes at the mall! Of course, my daughter will walk on my back for free. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Ooooooo, SHMI, tempting!! I just may do that.

I just got another email from Human Resources, this time from the regional director. My original email was forwarded to him. It looks like they are taking me seriously.

Big problem, though. The regional director said he could not find MOW's name in the database. I gave them her married and maiden names. This is the company MOW told my inlaws she worked for. WH told my lawyer she worked there, too. This is the company she said she worked for as recently as two months ago.

The regional HR director asked if there could be another name she uses. I don't know!

So, what do I do now? Any investigative advice?

Do you know the store she works in? Can a friend go there and see her there? Just wondering if someone else can help you with the investigative work. By your description I would think it wouldn't be that difficult to figure out who it be unless there are lots of women who fit her description working in the same store.

Pebs, I will email you a bit later. Putting that in my pipe and smoking it, metaphorically speaking.

Ha! I think my WH can go against yours for the running of the most stubborn and foggiest WS title! He is certainly sticking to his decision to continue being "faithful" to the OW. He hasn't even missed me or called or whatever. It's like I'm no longer in his life other than for conducting the business of a separation or divorce! His emails are all oh-so-formal, with all the please's and thank yous. No sight of my real H anywhere! (So I really don't know how to be a lighthouse or whatever.. I think he thinks I don't need him. He always says I can survive on my own. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ) It bites deep sometimes but I have little choice but to move on myself.

Wow.. the regional director took notice!! Glad exposure at your end is working out. I've done with my exposures.. got no one else to expose to! I hope you are able to get and verify the MOW's identity and hopefully something firm will be acted upon. But be prepared for another "you look silly" babble-letter from WH!!

~A

Trix, I don't know of anyone nearby who could help me with investigation, but a kind person on the board has offered to help (thanks, kind person!). I do have the first five numbers of her Social Security Number. I wonder if that would be helpful to the human resources person?

I guess it is possible that MOW lied to my inlaws and my WH lied to my lawyer about where MOW works. The two of them aren't exactly known for their honesty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Neak, I'll be interested to hear any ideas you might have. Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ashley, my WH said the same thing, even though I relied on him quite a bit. Funny, they want to be needed, but they make it so we have no choice but to get by on our own.