Do you ever feel so broken that you feel like you're dying from the inside out?

Right now that's how I feel. My WH just got back from a business trip tonight and I called him to see how the trip went and just to have a nice conversation (working on Plan A), he was very distant and didn't want to talk to me. After we got off of the phone I sent him a text msg saying "Do you just not want to talk to me at all, cause that's how I feel. Like you're able to completely separate yourself from me and it doesn't phase you at all" He then replied that we have issues and talking to me reminds him of those and makes him angry. The text conversation progressed and he says... "I miss u so much but if I can't be me and u cannot trust me 2 not have an affair then we cannot be". I just found out about his EA 2 weeks ago and he denies everything and then gets angry at me and tells me that I'm trying to change him. I don't know what to do... I've lost my H and my best friend all in one and I cant even see through the tears to know if I'm mispelling words.

Shannon, I am sorry you are hurting so badly. Does it help to know he is just following the typical WS script? Hon, stick to one thread so people know your story. You can always change the thread title to update how you are feeling but you are likely to get better advice and support if you keep your thread going. Sending you MB hugs {{}}

Please let him know that trust must be EARNED, it is not an entitlement. You would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person. Don't let him bully you into silence by demanding a level of trust that he doesn't deserve. He is simply trying to get you to shut up. Tell him he has to EARN trust.

FF,

Thank you. I'll remember that.

JM

Honey, please stop crying. Like FF just said, it seems like all of our WS's say and do the same things. you are just starting out in all this mess that i refer to as hell. And its going to get worse before it gets better. Please do all the reading you can on this site, it will help you to get a better understanding of what is happening and why. If it makes you feel any better we have all been where you are. I was there myself in June I think it was. My H and I have since reconciled and are in recovery (sometimes rocky). Hang in there, everyone on this board is here for you.

I thank God for y'all and for finding this site, thank you for being here. I'm sorry for anyone that has ever felt like I do right now. Ok, enough self pity for me.

Another development... WH and I were supposed to go away for the weekend, on the advice of my IC, she said it might be good for thw two of us to get away and focus on one another and having a good time together, taking us out of the normal, restrictive, responsible environment. Its one of the only things that kept me going this week and in the midst of our text msg battle he says lets just forget this weekend; I broke down, I cried, I feel like I begged and then he just said "I'm done talking to you" and hung up. I know I know... read... I'm working on it.

Thanks again to everyone.

Shannon

My h had told me he couldnt stand to be around me or even look at me because of his GUILT! Your trip probably wouldnt have helped too much, (unless you could have managed to go the whole weekend with no LB's) This awful thing just has to run its course. Do you know who the OW is? Have you exposed the A to everyone who can put pressure on your WH to end his A?

So let me see if I have this straight. He wants you to trust him, so he breaks his word to you about your weekend plans. Yeah, that will work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

At some point when he's had a chance to cool off, maybe you can tell him politely that it would help a lot in building trust for him to keep his word about plans with you.

Shelly,

I have a sneaking suspicion that he feels the same way. We spoke last Monday the day after D Day and he seemed truly remorseful (although he didn't admit anything); everyone that I've talked to says that he seems more angry about getting caught than anything else.

I do know the OW and she was a professed 'friend', I have not contacted her at all since D Day; I'm afraid of what I might do or say; and I have to admit I am afraid of my H's anger if I were to do that. He has made the promise of NC, but I believe she was on the first portion of his business trip with him. We all three work together at a fairly large company... I want to clarify that I almost never see him at work becuase of the size of our company and the different job functions we perform; OW however, has more contact with him through work because their departments coincide a little more. He is planning on quitting by June, possibly sooner, so that'll help with the NC; but I don't think that he's really willing to follow through with it. He seems to be banking everything on MC.

A little history... the first A he also denied and denied and denied and still denies even in the face of surmounting evidence, and then when he did admit anything, he admitted it begrudgingly because he had no other choice than to face the facts staring at him. Anyway... after 8 months of hell (just like this now) and me moving on and giving up (we were not married then) he began to prove his love and commitment to me... giving me radical honesty, opening his cell phone and e-mail and palm pilot information to me with minimal discomfort... after give or take 2 years of this we got married, I thought we were happy and then in November it started with the "I'm done trying" and then tonight he sends me a msg that says "We tried it your way and it didn't work".

I have another question for anyone that can give me some insight... LB's... how can I set boundaries without them being LB's? My H accuses me of trying to change him and "forcing" him to agree to things he otherwise wouldn't have (he is of course referring to the 'rules' I laid down about him being open and honest with me at all times, and always being willing to answer any questions I may have had). I don't honestly know if I was using LB's with my 'demands', we were not together and he wanted to know what he could do to make it work... so I told him what I needed and wanted and if he couldn't give it to me then that was ok because I'd moved on... Sigh... sorry for the rambling... I just can't believe I'm here again in this same spot, but almost surely worse off than I was the first time because I feel even more stupid; I feel even more like a fool for believing he really did want to be with me enough to change those things.

I know there's a lot here

wow. when you say your WH says you are trying to "change" him, it sounds like when MY fwh used to tell me he didnt like me trying to "control" him. Translation? He is not ready to give up OW no matter what he is saying to you. I'm sorry I dont have any LB advice to give you, (im afraid i was never any good at that part of plan A) but I just know one of the "wiser" ones will jump in with some answers. Oh, and btw, if you do expose the A or talk to OW, be prepared for anger on his part. My fwh was so angry at me for speaking to ow that he threatened me with D and seen a lawyer. They all do that when you start to inject a little reality on their fantasy world.


Michelle

rule number in the top five of plan A

NO RELATIONSHIP TALK...

Plan A when WS returns from a trip should be upbeat...
glad glad to hear from here..
welcome him home....

happy flirty voice...
engaging him a witty/funny thing that occured while he was away...

speak of missing him...

WS love love to play they are victim to controling BS who don't trust them and won't ever let them have a moments peace from their 'badness..."..

and you played right in to his hands...

if you were mopey
sad
emotional
anything that solidifies that this is so far in to the ditch it can't be fixed ...

cause guess what OW is like when contacted...

happy to hear from him
nice to him
warm to him
complimentary
etc
etc
etc....

following human nature who would YOU choose to talk to..

even when distant be upbeat..
cut the conversation on you end..
in fact cut it off with oooh...gotta run expecting a call from a friend...
or going here...without much detail...

not sitting there text messaging woe and angst....

this is the heart of plan A..
instilling hope and glimpses a BS can move on..which DOES not equal forgetting...

you have to play each and every contact to your advantage...
so that it is pleasant
ego gratifying
and
leaves them wanting more...

easy...nope!!
but this can be done for short time..with a goal of plan B...that leaves them reeling from being cut off..

will try to find my plan A post and bump it for you...

NO RELATIONSHIP TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ark^^

Ok no excuses, I really was trying to make the conversation upbeat. But I know when he didn't respond in any positive manner I brought it up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So.. this morning I saw him and he pulled me close and held me and told me I hope you know that I really love you, but we have some issues and we tried doing it by your rules and it didn't work for me so hopefully in MC we can find a middle ground. We're going to go away this weekend and I think it'll be fun; we've NEVER had a problem having a good time together as we have a lot of the same interests. I know I have to stay strong and be happy... any tips/tricks on how to do this when the blues start to hang over me?

I'll look for your Plan A post and I saw one out there from Luminare.

Thanks Ark,

I've read a lot of your posts and you always give excellent advice.

One other question for this weekend. One of the hardest things that I've had with implementing Plan A has been the way my upbeatness is received, its met with anger, frustration, backlash; initially I can do it, but when the reactions come is when it gets the hardest.

Ark^^ I think you'd be proud of me... I know I am. I just got off the phone with H, very good conversation, I kept it really light and even made a joke. He's taking a leave of absence from work which was just approved so I was very supportive and encouraging. Anyway... just had to give myself kudos you know?! He actually sent me a text msg with a <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />... now the key is to just keep it up right?

Thanks to all.

H just told me he's not in love with me anymore, it hurts SOOOO BAD. I just want to die. I need help. Please.

Shannon, I know it doesn't really help to know this but he is just following the WS script. I am sorry you are hurting. How is your plan A going?

Hi Just married,

I'm new at this also and my WH has said the same thing and in the next breath he tells me he does love me. This OW has truly fogged your WH's mind. Dont pay attention to his talk. Keep up with Plan A and remember to be strong. I'm sure there will be others to give you great advice and support.

BS 25 me
WH 26

DD- 6
DD-4

D-Day- 4/1 What an April Fools joke! Wish it was! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

FF,

I thought my Plan A was going good... I faltered today and brought up R, but we've been havinga good time or so I thought. We spent the weekend in Tahoe and I was really proud of myself, kept away from LB's only discussed R when he brought it up and only to the point where it could go rationally. We have MC setup for Tuesday of next week, he just looks at me with such anger and it feels like there's hate in his eyes, he says its not hate, he's just not in love with me anymore. I know this is typical, but I never knew that it would destroy me so. I don't understand, he says I've met all of his EN and that there's nothing more that I could do. I want to scream at him why why why... I asked him when it happened he said he didn't know... but then again I wasn't really expecting him to.
I want to talk to him, but I know it won't go anywhere; the conversation deteriorated after that, I broke down - still am broken, I feel like humpty dumpty. I know everyone here has felt some form of this or another but HOW do I get through this, HOW, I want to give up, roll over, you know?

I'm sorry I feel like such a child for even writing this, I just don't understand and I don't know what to do. I want to lash out I want to scream and I want to give up on everything all at the same time.

Enough Rambling.

Yes, it is very painful and no one here would discount your feelings. Can you go exercise and work it off?

FF,

I'll try and do something like that.

My friends just want me to throw my ring in his face and take the leap to tell him its over and I'm done carrying a dead relationship.

ShouldI, he says he loves me he's just not in love with me, how do you stay so strong? I don't know how, we've only been married for 8 months and he's not in love with me anymore; how and why? How could I be so blind to that? Shouldn't I have known, I thought we were happy and that we were both happy until the last couple months.

Why does it feel like I'm the only one that cares about saving this marriage? Is it worth it for me to even try?

Just Married,
I just wanted to check in and give you my support such that it is.

Really only you can answer that question: Is the marriage worth saving?

Friends tend to give you opinions that are needless to say rather uninformed. They don't know how you feel about your H

Maybe it would help to make a list of all the posative reasons for which you married him.

Mac