I don't think I'm going to be able to do this. It just hurts. Every glare and rejection just pierce right through me. It been one month since WH decided it was better to leave us then stop seeing the OW. The day after he left he changed his mind. I wouldn't let him come home I told him it was too soon. But he was so persistant that this is where he wanted to be. Within the week he was home. He said all the right things that I wanted to believe.

Now he is distant again. Conversation is minimal. Yesterday I suspected they may be IMing while he is at work. Today I asked him in a straight forward way "Have you had any contact with C since the last email she sent you?" He said "No, I have not." I said "A month ago you left us, I know she became a very important part of your life. It must be difficult for you to not have contact with her." He said "I've already told you I haven't had contact." I said "ok". The look on his face was like he hated me. What I wanted him to do was to hold me and tell "I haven't had contact with her, I want our marriage to work." I miss his comfort and warmth. He has become a very cold man.

Sometimes I wish he would leave.

You have my absolute sympathy. My WH was nearly impossible to live with before he left. Cold, distant, almost nasty. Obviously in contact with slimeball OW. He'd get this sneer on his face that was disgusting. Nobody could do anything right. When I caught him on the phone to her after we'd gone to church, that was the last straw. He left and hasn't been back since. It's a lot less stressful without him in the house.

Is your W?H open to the radical honesty principle? Can he prove there is not contact? Are you trying Plan A? It almost sounds like you are ready for Plan B.

It's hard to work on your marriage when you feel like you are starting to hate them.

Confused

When you need something from your H you need to tell him of the need right then.

He does not have a clue of your devastation. He may be thinking "OK I am back...I said the "right things so what's with her?" when you are correct as you probably were when you said:
He may act as though he is annoyed. He may want to run from his pain and pretend the "event" never happened. It is also a reminder for him that he has caused you great pain.

You will be able to "do this". It is not going to be easy and it will take a long time but in the end it will have been worth it.
H

thanks for the reply gg

Radical honesty? In general WH is very honest...but when it comes to OW different story. He has admitted to EA that turned "somewhat" PA. Thats as much as I got. No details. I don't even know how they supposedly ended the A. As far as confirmation of NC is email at home has had nothing and I have full access to that. No cell phone calls bill confirmed. Email at work he did show me 1 email she sent when NC was started. In the email she said "I know I'm not suppose to contact you but....blah, blah, blah." He's been coming straight home from meeting and work and most of his time is accounted for. Maybe its part of his withdrawal or he is working harder to hide it.

I've been doing plan A. I have my plan B letter already to go.

Thanks Hiker. You might be right. He has never been the kind of person to express his feelings. Which I guess doesn't make it easy for either one of us to deal with them.

And right now my emotions are raw. I did hold it together in front of him. This just is sooooooooo hard.

Things have settled down since this afternoon. I had a good cry, went out into the sunshine for a while and caught my breath. WH wasn't angry when he came home I guess he needed breathing room too. I've been reading bob pure*s tool kit. And I can see how far he has come and what it took to get there.

I really want to move forward and I am frustrated. It helps to vent here. It prevented me from starting round 2 when he came home. (His whereabouts this afternoon have been varified by cell phone records and sightings. I was afraid he would turn to her, but it looks like he was true to his word. Today anyway.)

confused, I'm sorry about this. Your WH sounds like mine. Just won't talk about it, right?

I know that even when I try to talk about things, I get minimal response. No details unless I point blank stare him in the face and demand to know. Even then, they are sketchy or worse yet, lies.
I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I feel for you because I'm in the same boat and I know how maddening and saddening it can be. Take care and stay strong!
Also, just keep venting here - God knows it has save me so many times from kicking WH out on his butt!!!

Recovery is about helping you heal. The WS doesn't heal, they change from Ws to Xws to spouse. So if your H isn't making you feel safe and comfortable, then maybe he doesn't deserve t/b with his family.

Now what type of symbolic closure would help you get over this mess?

L.

Confused

To Orchid I ask, What is "healed?"...If it means that my memory of the past will be wiped clean of course that is impossible. My W will never forget the betrayal or her devastation. If it means that I have dedicated myself to making our M whole then I think then that I am "healed".

I can only speak for myself but I did find it difficult to speak about the A. I don't that people in general like to dwell or be reminded of their mistakes especially one as great as an A. Those kinds of things we'd rather push way back in the dark recesses of our mind. I think for the WS and the BS one of the difficulties is that the A was pleasureable yet within the WS there is the realization the relationship was wrong and could or will harm eveyone that the A touches. We delude ourselves,WS's, that the A is "harmless fun."

My W and I have had many difficult conversations. The number and the intensity of those "conversations" has diminished since D-Day. Last evening was just "another" Monday...we didn't have a candle light dinner nor was there soft music wafting through the house yet she pulled me close to her as we watched some mindless TV program and I felt so incredibly loved by her...I was so romantic that I fell asleep in her arms snoring and all...she didn't wake me...now that is love <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

It maybe that through our experience together we have learned to accept each other for who we are. In our own way our expectations of the other was so unrealistic that for a time we abandoned our life together. We lived together but we didn't have a life together. I think that there are far better ways to learn the lessons I have learned it seems that Hiker's way is always the hardway.

I am convinced that you and your H can build the life you want together. Most have sought help too late into our problems but not too late to repair the damage.
H

Orchid: Hiker, good to hear from you and glad to see your recovery is doing well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I will address your question but must note that I believe you have the answer already. More importantly you have put it to work.

Healed: As I stated originally, healing is for the BS. The WS has to transform back to their spouse self and if improvements are gained the better for the M.

A healing BS is helped when the Xws provides support and assitance to the BS. This is a critical time since this is when the BS has to let their guard down in order to let the Xws restore the trust in the R.

In other words, recovery requires more effort from the Xws than the BS. This s/b the time where a BS does less and gains more. After all the BS and family are victims and pieces of their lives were stolen. The BS needs to reclaim their stolen property and the WS must do the leg work to get back their 'stolen property'.

Healing can also include symbolic closure. Something or someplace special that the 2 of you can do together. Make new memories and wash out the bad ones is part of the healing process. For me going to the CA coastline and yelling my lungs out along with a good cry was helpful


Orchid: Conflict avoiding is a great past time of the WS. Bad habit to bring into restoring a M. Expect some questions, reminders, triggers, etc. Learn to know when these are triggering the BS and help the BS through it.



Orchid: Now that is your recovery/healing in action. Luv it!!!


Orchid: Good observation. Set reasonable expectations. Less disappointment and strengthen the R.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Orchid: Very good thoughts.

Orchid

Thanks so much for the reply. It is nice to get that much feedback. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

H

Hiker,

You're welcome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

C42,

How r u doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,
Thanks for the concern. I'm ok. I've been much calmer. I believe WH is still in contact w/ OW. I've been posting on a different thread of mine "Its that feeling again..." I'm in plan A working toward confirmation of contact. Then plan B. Then we'll see.