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#1359408 04/19/05 01:44 PM
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Hello all,

I'm new here and so I suppose I have a lot of catching up to do. My story probably isn't anything new, but this is all so new and awful to me and I'm here looking for whatever advice and support I can find.

I should probably start with a recap of where I've been. My wife an I have been together for 14 years and married for nearly 10. A little less than 3 months ago, I accidentally stumbled upon an IM session my wife was having with an acquaintance of hers from an on-line game. She's known him for several years and as far as I knew, they were strictly platonic friends. Well, the content of the conversation left little to the imagination and I went into a panic. I confronted her immediately. Very quickly she told me what was going on, how she had tried to tell me about it several times but couldn't. Apparently she had been very unhappy in our marriage for a number of years, had confided in this guy and was now in love with him. They have never met in real life, but I know now that they had a pretty heavy IM and phone relationship for a short time. She went on to tell me that although she still "loved" me, she was no longer "in love" with me. Although she said she had tried, she could never bring herself to tell me that she was unhappy in the marriage. As I said, this has apparently been for years -I had no clue. Things weren't great between us, but I chalked it up to general exhaustion from chasing our kid around. I figured we were in a slump and things would get better. I was quite wrong.

Anyway, I wasn't willing to simply walk out or kick her out. Despite it all, I dearly love my wife and do not want to lose her. I saw this as a big wake-up call, and hoped for the best that we could get things fixed. During that first conversation, I asked her if she was willing to go to MC with me and she agreed. I also asked her that for the duration, would she cut off contact with the OM. She agreed to that as well.

We set about to find a MC, and in the intervening weeks we limped through an emotional minefield of misery, jealousy, anger, and paranoia. We had frequent emotional melt-downs, irrational attempts at intimacy, you name it. It was a very cloudy, confused time. I had no idea how to handle it. I was completely raw and broken. I felt like the earth had opened up and I was in freefall with no bottom in sight. Worst of all were the panic attacks. I was convinced that at any moment she was going to pack up the kids and leave, or that she was still in touch with the OM. Well, that last part was true. I caught her via some snooping and confronted her about that. She told me that she was going to bring it up at our first MC session where she felt safe saying it. I was enraged, and self-righteous. We nearly ended it there, but cooler heads prevailed. Frankly, she has no where to go and no current means to support herself or the kids. I believe that kept her there in the beginning and possibly now.

Anyway, after that, she did cut back the contact (she rationalized a number of reasons to maintain contact -I just ate it waiting for the MC to intervene). The MC brokered a 3 month NC agreement which she accepted and I have every reason to believe that she is honoring. Not to say that the paranoia went away, but it is much improved. Since then things have leveled off. At least I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore and the panic attacks are few and far between (we have both gone on Zoloft recently to get us over the hump).

So here we are 6 weeks in to the NC and things are improving marginally. She had a really bad first 3-4 weeks, but she freely admits that her mood is greatly improved (this was before the Zoloft even). We get along well and the emotional outbursts have mostly subsided. We both still have our days, but we both agree that if we had to put it on a scale, that we would say that we are about where we were before everything blew-up. It's not where either one of us wants to be, but at least it seems that the slide has stopped and it seems to me that my wife is somewhat willing to entertain the idea of trying to work things out.

On the hopeful side, she is more and more talking about us in a long-term sense, making plans further down the road. She also told me that she was both hopeful and apprehensive about "us" -still trying to get the specifics on that one. She is very closed to me though, not letting much out. Mostly she seems to still be dealing with the end of the EA, and isn't really ready to get to work on "us" in any way other than maintaining the NC and trying to just get along.I try to find hope in whatever little thing I can at this point, but I'm still so uncertain -mainly because she is so closed to me. Earlier on in the whole event she told me she didn't want to give me any false hope (worse, she gave a lot of reason to have no hope), as a result, she really won't say anything other than that she has seen a huge improvement in my behavior that lead a lot of her misery in the marriage. At the same time she openly wonders if it's a little too late.

I am ready to go -have been from the start, but my wife is very hesitant. She still seems to be dealing with the death of the EA and isn't quite ready to look to me as much more than that guy she's married to. We are doing a lot of things together, we talk, we go out, we get along really well, but there is such a distance between us under it all. That is my big issue right now. I desperately want to start rebuilding, to get close again, but whenever I make an attempt at simple intimacy (hold her hand, give her a hug, a good-night kiss, compliment her even) I get an icy feeling from her, as though she is just barely able to politely accept that limited warmth from me. Since it all came out she has retreated from me significantly in ways that even when things were bad she didn't.

I miss her.

I miss us.

The funny thing is that when we go to bed, we still fall asleep in each other's arms -almost a reflexive behavior. For those few minutes I feel like we are relaxed and happy with each other. In the silence and dark, we can connect on a non-verbal level and feel close, but it fades with the dawn and in the light of the day, the distance is there again. These mixed signals really confuse me and she won't talk much about it. She doesn't seem to understand herself well at all and seems so lost (she has said as much). I want to help her find her way back to herself and me and me to her , but I don't know where to begin. Our MC has basically been slowly trying to just get us reacquainted with each other -which is fine and is working I think, but I miss her so much, especially since she's right here in front of me.

So that's where we've been and where we are. I have a thread on another forum that has a bit more detail if anyone wants to slog through it.

my thread on Love Shack.org


Thanks for being here and I hope to hear from you.

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Hey there,

Friend, I read your story and I wanted to tell you my impression is one of hope for you two. There are many things in your letter that show a trend towards recovery.

Though it also looks like you both have a long way to go too. I also am a BS, and like you I missed my wife during the early weeks post A break-up, I was miserable, felt like falling into a miserable abyss as well.

I too got the old, I love you, but Im not in love with you spiel. (I think every BS gets that at some point).

You are going to have to give her time, time, patience and time. Time to lift from the fog of the OM, time to see you being strong enough to stay and support her, time for her to see how deeply you care for her and love her deeply. My friend, our stories are eerily similar.

But I wanted to give you some inspiration. My relationship with my W, post-A is now based on honesty, understanding and meeting each others needs. Needs that were not being fulfilled pre-A. I have nothing but the utmost love and respect for my W and am so happy to be in recovery with her now.

take care

beavis


She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies and all thats best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.
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Sys-

"Owl" here....had issues with my moniker here, so not sure how to go back to using the old name.

Glad you made it here to post, my friend. You'll find a lot more input here than you had on LS...and there are a few ladies out there that have been right where your wife was...and is now. (Cards, 2B...your cue my friends!)

Hang in there.

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Welcome, sorry to meet you under these circumstances.

First, you're in a LOT better sitch than most BSs you'll read about here. She's been hooked on a fantasy and fantasies very, very rarely turn out to be what they were cracked up to be. In one sense, the very best thing that could happen to her would be to actually meet Mr. Goodbar and have the fantasy collapse like a house off cards - but don't do this.

Get hot on Plan A and make yourself into an irrestible guy - the one she married. Take away all her reasons for why she made the decision to get sucked in to Mr. Gamer. Become the very best Dad you can possibly be.

Since she's willing to go to MC, find the emotional needs questionaire on this site and both of you fill it out - find out what needs you need to improve on. DO NOT expect her to fully reciprocate right now.

In short - become a model husband. This doesn't mean your prior shortcomings are to blame for her betrayal - just that in order to get her enthusiastic participation in rebuilding the marriage, you have to do most of the work and sacrifice for the time being.

Get a copy of Surviving An Affair. Inhale it.

Expect more relapses with OM and more alien speak from her. When this happens, keep your calm and simply tell her how disrespected and hurt this makes you feel. All "I" statements - no "you" statements.

Quote
The MC brokered a 3 month NC agreement which she accepted and I have every reason to believe that she is honoring.

Who's idea was the 3 months? Was it this or nothing? This alarms me because what happens at the end of three months? Is this MC trying to help you save your marriage, or just trying to help your wife decide if she wants a divorce?

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WAT,

I thouroughly "enjoyed" your quick start guidelines. Wish I had a copy in hand on D-day if you know what I mean.

I love that bit about alienspeak. I distinctly remember thinking, what alien uncrewed my wife's head, climbed in and is now speaking on her behalf? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

take care

beavis


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My pleasure, beave.

I take it your WS is [censored]?

WAT

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I take it your WS is [censored]?


Well...no actually. She may have acted like one for awhile, but she is the kindest,loving, most amazing person on the earth to me...

beavis


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Actually, she is a Gentle Soul isn't she Beavis?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I haven't had a chance to speak with you before but I have conversed with your W before. It is good to see you here.

God Bless,

JL

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Sysyphus,

That rock getting sort of heavy?? Well, give this thing some time and have some patience with your W. It will take time for her to come out of the "fog" or as WAT says it will take time for the "Mothership" to ship her brains back.

Please do as WAT and others have suggested get into the information on this site and do a lot of reading. It will help you to realize that she is acting "normal", the timeline is about right, you two are about where most are at this time, and there is a lot of hope for your marriage.

Do work on Plan A, but I will warn you it is NOT for wimps. This is tough stuff, and it will be many months before she realizes what you have done for the marriage and her. If you can save this marriage, you will have saved her from making a huge fool out of herself, as well as hurting a lot of people worse than she has done so far.

So hang in there, give this lots of time and patience, and start reading man. There is a ton of information out there for you to work with.

God Bless,

JL

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Yes JL,

She IS a gentle soul. I am blessed to have her in my life, I love her so. I have read your postings to her and always am amazed at how insightful and on-target they are. Thank you for that.

By the way, we made it to 100 days of NC yesterday by my calculation, you may want to search for that post in recovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thanks my friend

beavis


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Beavis,

I read the thread. Very nice, very nice indeed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You know when posting to her she came across as very sincere and someone that just sort of lost her way for awhile. It seems she has found it and that is a credit to you and to her. You both are a wonderful additions to this site.

I would like to suggest one thing to you. Whatever you do, work on releaving her guilt, she will need your help and you will both profit when it is gone. I suspect she will, as many WS's do, sort of hang on to it to punish herself, and for fear that she will "forget" things. She will not "forget" so neither she nor you need fear that. And Beavis, I think you realize that she does NOT need any punishment at this point.

Her affair gave you an interesting OPPORTUNITY and you were smart enough to seize it. It was the OPPORTUNITY to show her the depth of your love, and the strength you had to fight for the marriage. You have used it well, and she now knows beyond any doubt where you feelings about her lie.

Further, she is now been given an OPPORTUNITY as well, and it seems she is using it wisely, and that is to show you how much she truely values you.

You two are very lucky people Beavis because sometimes the OPPORTUNITY to see the good in the fires of the test is missed. Neither of you missed it and your marriage will be the better for it.

God Bless,

JL

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Hope your Tuesday went well. I know that this has been a day of stress for you in the past, worried about contact with the OM.

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Quote
Please do as WAT and others have suggested get into the information on this site and do a lot of reading. It will help you to realize that she is acting "normal", the timeline is about right, you two are about where most are at this time, and there is a lot of hope for your marriage.

I agree completely with that. You know, at 3 months into the process, I was still crying everytime I had ten minutes to myself. I was still so uncertain and emotional. So, your feelings are also pretty normal for the timeline.

Hang in there, Sys. You're doing fine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

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Hi sysyphus and welcome! I'm sorry to hear of the situation you are in, but there is hope! You will find many here that have been right where you are and are experiencing a new love with their spouse they never thought was possible.

I'm a FWW and had a EA online as did your wife. It's a very tough addiction to stop, let alone move forward with your marriage. My D-Day was 12/29/04, but I had continued to have some contact after D-Day as did your wife. The last contact I had was about 6 weeks ago and it is over for me.

All that you describe about your wife is very normal for her to experience. There are some positives you stated in that "she is more and more talking about us in a long-term sense, making plans further down the road."

Quote
Mostly she seems to still be dealing with the end of the EA, and isn't really ready to get to work on "us" in any way other than maintaining the NC and trying to just get along.

This is also quite normal. It's very important that she maintains NC ( I wish I had form the beginning!). As more and more time goes by with NC she will start to "let you in". I am not sure why your MC suggested 3 months with NC. NC should be forever!

The best advice I could give you is to continue to support your wife in all that she is feeling. These feelings and emotions are very tough to work through. I know for me, I needed my husband to listen to me and understand me.

It seems as if you are doing all the right things with spending alot of time together and going out, communicating etc. Her mixed messages to you are normal for what she is feeling. She is still in a fog and trying to get out. It will take time and she needs your constant love and support to get out of this fog.

Feel free to ask any questions. Also you may want to check out a thread by cardsonly called "HELP! WITHDRAWING FROM PAINFUL ONLINE AFFAIR"

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2B wrote:
Quote
This is also quite normal. It's very important that she maintains NC ( I wish I had form the beginning!). As more and more time goes by with NC she will start to "let you in". I am not sure why your MC suggested 3 months with NC. NC should be forever!


2B, you have made such progress in a relatively short time, keep it up. I am proud of you, your husband should be too. Do you ever look back at your earlier posts and see how your perspective regarding your M has changed, for the better?

Sys, take heart, 2B,Cards, countless others have been where your W is. You too have a strong base to work from, and seem to be headed down the right path for your M. You may trip on a few weeds on the path, but it will become more defined over time.

take care

beavis

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Hi Sys-

My H could write the same story you wrote, with the exceptions that we have not attended MC yet and I did not have a prior friendship with OM.

Please read my thread if you want to hear what your W may have been feeling. I started posting about 2 weeks after the EA really ended (there were a couple more contacts, but the IM ended by mid-Feb). I was in horrible withdrawal at the time I started posting. You can follow the thread all the way up to now and see what me & H are still dealing with.

Our timelines are similar and I certainly don't have all the answers at this point, as I am still struggling in some areas. But KNOW that the passage of time will help you both. It sounds like she is mostly out of the "fog" and realizes now that the thing to focus on is the M.

While basically being back to where you were before the EA may be comforting to you, that realization for me was painful. Having been in a fantasyland where someone was meeting all these EN's, then the loss of those needs being met, made me realize how bad it really was before the EA. In that sense, your W may want to repair the M even more so than you because she KNOWS the disparity between what she felt before the EA & how the EA made her feel. Even so, she may be fighting the fact of being able to recover feelings for you. This is where I am.

If you don't read my whole story, you may just want to look at the last couple weeks where many people give advice about trying to reconnect, working to meet each other's needs, the importance of spending time together. Fortunately, and unfortunately, these stories have a commonality and a predictably that can help us know what's ahead. The books recommended on this site are great, and Karegh (Owl) has recommended some good ones too. Reading and posting helps tremendously.

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I'm guessing here, but I would think that the MC actually didn't have a bad idea for the 3 months timeline. Think about it (Cards, 2B, feel free to comment on this), but would a WS who is still deep in the fog be more willing to agree to an NC that has a potential end as opposed to agreeing to NEVER contact the OM again? I'd guess that the MC was thinking that three months is typically enough time for the worst of the witdrawl and fog to clear (if NC is maintained faithfully during this time), and for the WS to begin to WANT to work on the MR.

They say that it takes three weeks to make/break a habit...and while the withdrawl doesn't end in three weeks, the habit of spending all day IMing and messaging the OM can be broken. Once THAT habit is done, then it's more a matter of getting through the withdrawl.

I think that if the MC'd asked her to commit to NC forever, she would have balked, not agreed to it, and been more likely to give in and break it. Having a set timeline (that is still long enough to give a chance for the withdrawl/fog to clear) probably made it a little more easier for her to consider.

Just my thoughts.

I'd made my book recommendations to Sys already on the 'other' site...LOL.

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Who's idea was the 3 months? Was it this or nothing? This alarms me because what happens at the end of three months? Is this MC trying to help you save your marriage, or just trying to help your wife decide if she wants a divorce?


I think Khareg (sp?) I know him as Owl, has it right. The MC was trynig to broker the deal at a point where our relationship was so fragile that I think 3 months was palatble to my wife. The way it has been put to me is :3 months, which could turn to 6 mos, a year, forever. Already it seems pretty apparent to me that the NC is permanent. She has really gone through the worst of it. I know she feels really guilty about abandoning the OM -she still has concerns for his feelings as well and that is causing a lot of her grief, but all that said, I beleive that intellectually, she knows it's over.

As for the rest of you, thanks so much, especially you Owl, for getting me over here. The other board served it's purpose and got me through some horrendous times -can't ever repay that debt. This board is already wonderful, especially having an opportunity to hear advice from the other side of the equation -thanks everyone!

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You know, ever since that last bad Tuesday and the fact that we talked about my paranoia, I've been fine. The paranoia is really under control now. At this point, my greatest worries are in the "where do we go from here" department.

Thanks for asking )

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K, I'd have to agree with you on the NC that the MC proposed. I would say that the MC realized that there was withdrawal going on and it would be too early to make many demands on her. A foggy WS will be more likely to agree to 90 days of NC rather than NEVER having contact again. In the fantasy of the EA foggy mind, NEVER is really hard to imagine. I have not even reached the 90 day point yet but even at this point I know that if I made contact now it would at least be a thought-out decision, not a contact made out of desperation to get a "fix".

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