OK….. You’ve said that you realize that it will take time for her to “get over” this BUT she has to stop and get over it on the way out the door. Who are you to make up the terms for her grief? Are you a controlling person by nature?

Please take time to read all the information on this site and yes invite your wife here. Learn about “Emotional Needs” and begin meeting each others. I would recommend getting “Surviving The Affair” and “His Needs/Her Needs”, and both of you read them.

“””I have told the wife everything.”””

You know what, you may have told her everything. But you’ve also shown her that you are capable of betrayal, so why should she believe you? Her whole world has been rocked by your actions. She has every right to question pretty much everything you’ve ever said or done. You have shown that you are not trust worthy. You have to rebuild that trust that before was given freely. So instead of saying “I’ve told you everything”, it may be best to ask “What else would you like to know” and then be emotionally available to answer any and all questions that she has. Take time to look at things through her eyes. Go slow.

“””And i have been trying to figure out went wrong years ago in the relationship.”””

Reflection is wonderful and a useful tool but your emotionally energy would be better focused in making a plan for the future in building an affair proof marriage. Read the literature, remove Love Busters, and Disrespectful Judgments (such as you should get over it). Find out what each of y’alls top 5 emotional needs are and begin meeting them.

AND NO MATTER WHAT, stay away from chatting with other women PERIOD…. If I were you, I’d severely limit my computer time so that the opportunity isn’t even there.

Hugz, Thoughts, & Prayerz

Perhaps the BSs should back off a little and read what the guy is writing. You seem to be reading more into what he says than what is actually there.

He is coming here asking for help. The guy should get a medal for seeking us out.

Loving: Your statement that it would be "selfish" not to involve his wife here is condescending and too harsh. I went to IC for 2 years. I didn't let my wife go so I could talk frankly and honestly about my/our problems. Was that selfish?

(Not all people view this board as "God's Gift to Marriage." My W, for example, knows about the board, but doesn't think it is particularly interesting or helpful.)

JimmyMac, the only harsh, condescending post I see on this thread is yours. Your snarkiness helps no one and you really aren't in a position to censor other folks' posts. So back off and allow others to give their opinions. That is what the gentleman asked for and he has received some outstanding advice so far.

Welcome, confused. Please read my post all the way through.


I'm outraged that you would say this to your wife.

You don't realize how much you've hurt her.

You think it's partly her fault, and it isn't.

Her desire for information is perfectly normal. It always happens that way. Some counselors believe she should live with it and "move on" without you having to clear the air and properly make amends. They're wrong.

You should not be placing any demands on your wife right now. You should be asking her, what can I do so that you might be healed? What can I do so that you might forgive me? Not, "Okay, I said I'm sorry, now forgive me, and then we'll never speak of this again."

Having an expectation like that suggests that you are not contrite, probably because you don't realize how much you've hurt your wife. Maybe you think it wasn't really cheating. Guess what? Your wife gets to decide that, not you.

Listen to the intro to this radio program on Real Audio:

http://www.thislife.org/ra/277.ram

GC

Jimmy Mac,

Thank you for pointing this out:
"Loving: Your statement that it would be "selfish" not to involve his wife here is condescending and too harsh."

I had no idea it was condescending so if anyone who is reading this thread can help me to see it, I would very much appreciate your bringing it to another thread. Which LB does this fall under, and how? How could I have said that without LBing?

Confused, I sincerely apologize if the way I said it was condescending and/or too harsh.

What I really wanted to say was that I believe that your BW is entitled to know everything--including where and from whom you are getting advice for her marriage. I also believe that your BW is entitled to have the opportunity to choose for herself if this site will be helpful to her.

Take care

I have stopped all contact with the other woman.The wife has called her 3 times and told her to leave us alone.And I value everybodys input her even though it hurts.But i was wrong on everything. I will not make anymore demands that she has to do.I know she is testing me because she called me on my way to work.Just to see if I would answer because that is when I would talk to the OW sometimes.And of course I didn't because I had the radio up alittle to loud.So when I got here it rang again it was the wife asking why I didn't answer and I told her why she kinda believed me but I do understand that.

OK, your being available is instrumental in your wife's recovery, so learn a lesson from today. Show her respect by keeping your radio at a level that won't prevent you from hearing the phone. That's a step......

Confused, it might also help take the heat off you a bit if you starting calling her during those "trigger" times. Call her up and flirt with her on the way to work. That will help her relax and help take the heat off you.

Another thing I would like you to consider is sending the OW a letter of no contact. The letter should ask her to never contact you again, that your affair was a cruel mistake. It should be sent jointly by you and your W. That will go A LONG WAY in restoring trust in your marriage. Your W should not have to be the one to contact OW and warn her off, that should come from you.

Confused, I just want to say that I know this is hard on you too, but please know that the things we are suggesting are designed to make things easier for you and get you off the hot seat sooner. The faster she learns to trust you again, the faster you can live in peace.

Also, you might want to put your phone on vibrate/ring and keep in your lap so you don't miss her calls. Missing her calls just sends up unneccesary red flags that cause you trouble.

I will see if the wife wants to send a letter to her.She called all on her own.Said she need to talk to her to tell her herself.And yes i will try calling her during those times.

I think it would show a lot more positively, if you were to write the no contact letter and sit down with your wife and say "Honey, you know I've been reading information on that Marriage Builders site, they recommend that I write and you review a NC letter to the other woman. I've prepared one, would you please read it and we'll mail it out." That's taking inititave and will earn you love points. You are responsible, not your wife....

Confused - I think you're gonna be OK.

You're still here after some of us were quite stern with you. This is a serious mess and there can be no mamby pamby about it - this is why we have to be blunt and real.

Good job so far. You're listening. How 'bout a beer and a long talk? You buy the beer, I talk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, some WSs get scared off right off the bat. When that doesn't happen, it's a good sign of humbleness, which means your marriage has a chance. I'm not saying you're in the clear - just that you are following the pattern so far of those that have the best chance at success.

Please offer up a HUGE slice of humble pie to your wife. Be prepared for her to turn it down. In about a week, offer up another slice. She may turn that one down, too. But eventually, and with your consistency, she will accept.

Yes, we understand that you may have your own pain. We take that into account. We do not expect overnight transformations. Nor should you.

Now the silver lining to this cloud: this episode could be the most influential learning experience in your life. In your hands is the opportunity to exorcise all the demons in your marriage and turn it into a marriage beyond your wildest dreams - and those of your wife. Don't squander this opportunity. The cost? Your courage and your patience and your humbleness and the sacrifice to put somebody else ahead of yourself. Oh, and one beer.

Got it?

WAT

It's up to YOU to write the letter, let your wife read it and she gets to mail it. This assures your wife that what you wrote actually gets sent.

It should be short (less than 1/2 page) and direct.

Absolutely nothing that could be misinterpreted.
Nothing like "I'm sorry it didn't work out" or "I'll always think of you fondly", etc.

I am sorry for what I did. Our affair was wrong.
I betrayed my wife/family and everyone has suffered as a resultvery deeply.
I love my wife & I am doing everythiong possible to restore our marriage.
I will have no contact with you ever again.
Please do not respond to this or try to get into contact with me in any way.

Confused, here are some sample no contact letters for you to consider. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918;p=0#000000

Also, why is your wife calling the OW? What was her purpose?

Confused,

Welcome to MB and I applaud you for your courage to come here and try to save your M! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Currently you’re in withdrawal from OW and that’s why you experience so much pain. You experience grief from the loss of the OP and that’s normal. To lose a person you’ve learned to care for (although that involvement was WRONG) is always painful and it takes time to heal. Your pain “deserved” IS real, no matter how wrong it was. Just as you can’t expect your W to “get over” your betrayal, no one can expect you to just “get over” your own pain as well. It will take time and patience for both you and your W to heal and recover.

I have empathy and understanding for you situation. I’ve once been there and understand it’s difficult for a FWS to deal with the emotions on both sides of the coin: On the one side to cope with the shame, guilt and feelings of unworthiness because of the pain you’ve caused your W and to take responsibility for that and help her heal, and at the same time to cope with your own feelings of loss and grief… But I want you to know there IS hope and that you, your W and your M CAN heal. You are going to make it!

Confused, please read THIS THREAD on withdrawal and study it thoroughly. I've also bumped it for you to the top of the page. This thread will give you must insight into the process of withdrawal you’re currently going through and what you can expect from it (length of withdrawal, etc). There are also guidelines on how to help you cope with withdrawal and start recovery with your W. Also read all the links I’ve put on that thread – very important. Some of the links there will explain exactly what both you and your W need to do to recover and one of the things YOU certainly need to do is indeed to answer ALL your W’s question honestly and openly and show a WILLINGNESS to do that! But it seems you ARE on the right path. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> The sending of a NC letter is very important and will show your W that you're really sincere about this. Continue doing all the right things and keep posting and reading here. It helps! Also study as much as you can on the main page of this site.

Good luck and blessings,
Suzet

Confused, are you still around? Please post and let us help you through this.

Suzet

C,

How are you doing? It took courage for you to post. This will help both you and your W.

Please realize the following:

1. Your W needs healing time. You can help.

2. You need healing time. Your W can help.

3. Help her find closure. Calling the OW should stop. You need to regain her trust. The OW will always be untrusted and a stranger. Remember your W has a hard time understanding how quickly you allowed a stranger into your life.

So here are a few suggestions:
A. Learn to spend quality time together.

B. Call Steve Harley at MB for additional counseling via phone. He can help both of you get a plan and work towards your recovery. You can't just move forward, there are areas of your lives which need t/b addressed and corrected.

C. Go to the Basic Concepts section above and located the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Both of you take it and compare.

D. Then read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. These books by Dr W. Harley will really help your plan for a solid recovery.

E. Choose a short setence between the 2 of you that signals you need each others attention. For my H (Xws) and I it is: "can I ask you a question?" When we say that to each other, the other stops and listens.

F. Realize that you will need to provide the reassurance. Rebuilding her trust in you will take time. Many cases recovery takes a couple of years. Yours c/b shorter. Either way, YOU need t/b patient.

G. Together find something symbolic t/d to get closure.


All the best,
L.

[color:"navy"]This is the thread being referred to in the 'Jimmy Mac' controversy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

'Confused in Md'...Are you still around?

Julie

I am still here been a rough couple of days is all.The wife called the OW yesterday to talk to her again.They talked for about a hour and half.Said she feels much better now.She says she has closure now.And she is doing much better now about the whole thing.Said she just needed to know from her what went on.Thanks for all the suport here.And I almost got scared of at first for being bashed but I was wrong in what I did.

Jeff

Hi Confused,

Did you feel bashed by our posts here?

This is an emotional time for both your BW and for you. One of the first things that is recommended is to find out what your BW's top EN's are and for her to find out what your top EN's are and to spend time making deposits in your Love Banks and avoiding Love Busters.

Have you had an opportunity to start reading the info pages? There's an Emotional Needs Questionnaire and a Love Busters Questionnaire that can be printed for you both to fill out for each other. It makes it a lot easier to start depositing Love Units.

Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Confused,

I just want to credit you for owning up to your mistakes and taking the first steps towards healing your marriage. It sounds like you are doing all the right things so far. You'll probably make some mistakes along the path to recovery (not OW type mistakes, I hope, but I mean getting frustrated or overreacting), but what's important is how you handle those mistakes -- recognize them and learn from them to make your marriage better.

The things you are doing go a long way to show your true character. Yes, you have made a huge mistake -- one that you will have to deal with and one which you will have to help your wife deal with. But stick with what you are doing and you will be on your way.

Squiggle