It's been a long time since I've been on the website. Long story short, I had an emotional affair mostly, sometimes physical. We've worked through it all and things in our marriage have been great but it seems that we have a set back and I'm not sure how to handle it. I guess things have a way of coming back to haunt you but I'm not being haunted my dh is. We were both married before and we told each other about all of the things that happened in those marriages no matter how good or bad it was.
My dh cheated on his ex-wife several times but one was a long affair. It only ended when she found out and they got divorced. The affair was with someone he worked with as most are. I know it's all in the past in his 1st marriage and has nothing to do with me.. but my dh still works at the same place and so does the OW from his 1st marriage. So, not a big deal as long as they were on opposite shifts, I'm not happy about it really but could tolerate it. So this week he's been distant and grouchy and I knew something was wrong, just a feeling. I pressed him to tell me what was going on and he told me. The OW is now working the same hours, same area as him. I try to put it in my mind that it's no big deal because it was so long ago but I can't help but think of the fact that no matter what he had an affair with her and he was married, not to me, but married nonetheless. I'm trying to get beyond this and be strong and convince myself that it's no big deal. But I'm fully aware from previous experiences that it is a big deal. I just can't figure out how I'm going to deal with this and really I don't want to think about it but realize I have to face it to deal with it.
So any ideas or suggestions on how to be more understanding when my dh tells me, it's no big deal, and that he can't work anywhere else because of the time he has put in there and the money? My first instinct is to tell him just leave there.. go somewhere else but I know that's not going to happen because he said as much. Which then makes me feel like it doesn't matter what I think or feel about this. I'm uncomfortable with the whole situation.. I need help!

mustbcrazy

gonnabcrazier after this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

mustbecrazy, what has he done to ever address his problems that led to his past affairs? Has that problem ever been resolved? Because if not, I am not sure why you think it would be different for you.

At least you went into this marriage knowing full well that you were marrying a cheater so adultery should not be a surprise to you, right? At least you knew what you were getting into which is more than most can say.

Hi mustbe,

If I were you, I would be worried if your H's A's from his first M have not been addressed. And he's still working with the OW? Really worried.

I made the mistake of getting M'd to my H knowing about his A's from his first M. I (stupidly) thought he had dealt with it since he was so *honest* with me about the A's. I never dreamed that he would cheat on me. I was *it* for him (everything he dreamed of - so he said). Well, guess what, he did. Twice - that I know of.

I had no idea that my H continued to email and talk (EA) to one OW from his first M the entire time he dated me, M'd me, bought a house with me, etc. First chance he got...first time he saw her again...it went PA. Not only did my H have character issues, he was dealing with the A *addiction* and once he saw her (again), it got a PA going again. He arranged three *fake* business trips to see her, traveling out of state (OW's state) to visit a vendor that our company dealt with.


My H has since addressed his character issues and at 18 months past the last d-day, he seems to be getting healthy. It has been a lot of hard work...hardest of all was admitting to himself that he had problems.

Listen to your gut. It sounds like this is bothering you and it needs to be addressed. Is your H fully accountable with his time? Does he allow you to see his emails, cell phone calls, etc.? Or, does he say "they're JUST FRIENDS now" and he deserves his privacy?

Might want to suggest MC and IC.

Take care.

sss

Hi ML,
As far as I can remember he went to IC during his divorce to get through everything.
We talked about everything and while I'm happy I know everything that happened, I'm also a "spare me the details" kinda person.
I know what can happen when faced with the OP all too well. It happened to me and that's why I have my eyes wide open to the situation.
He tells me that at that point in his life it was because he hated his ex wife and just was out for whatever, he got married really young and he has no feelings, no desire, nothing towards the OW.. I believe him and I feel bad that I say that but then get all wierded out over the whole situation.
So many trials in our M so far and we keep coming through them and each time we are stronger and better. I just don't want anything to ever come between us again. I want to protect what we have but don't want to be too smothering in this situation.

Mustbcrazy

TY stillsosad,
Yes my gut is bothering me bigtime but he doesn't claim she is a friend, just the opposite. He doesn't hide the cell phone calls and I know where he's at all of the time. We work opposite hours, I work during the day, him during the evening. We have a S together and he has him all day while I'm at work and then we switch off.
He says there's no attraction to her, so that's when I asked him why not now, you did back then.. so what's changed.
He says he loves me more than anything and nothing would make him rip his family apart. We have a great PR and he comes home every night right after work... but keep in mind this just happened this week as far as the OW being on the same shift.
I want so bad to trust him with everything in me but I don't know that I have the capacity to trust anyone completely because of my own past problems. And maybe that isn't such a bad thing in this situation, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />