My husband was married to his previous wife for 28 years. They were divorced in May 2001. Up to their divorce being finalized in May 2001 they were still meeting in motels and having sex and going out to dinner. After the divorce was final my husband was still occasionally going out to meals with his ex-wife and their 3 grown children. AT the time he was not involved with anyone else.

My husband and I met that same year, 2001, in October. We married very soon after that in February 2002. The ex-wife originally had wanted the divorce and was having an emotional affair with her previous first husband. She had plans to remarry him after her divorce from my husband. Well, shortly before her divorce from my husband was final she decided she did not want the divorce and was trying every means available to her to get him back. He was still seeing her and having sex with her, like I said, until the divorce was finally final in May 2001. Since then, his ex-wife has tried to contact my husband by sending him text messages on his cell phone telling him how much she misses him and how much she loves him even though he and I are now married, blowing him kisses when she has seen him at their son's house, and uses every opportunity she sees him to talk to him and be interested in him. She now lives with their grown daughter and son. So, whenever my husband has contact with the grown kids, he also has contact with her. I am very upset by this. I want him to limit the time he goes to the grown childrens' houses, and don't want him to go there if his ex-wife is there. My husband's grown son is moving to a new place and his mother, my husband's ex-wife, is going to move there with the son. I told my husband I do not want him to help his son move because he would also be helping the ex-wife to move. My husband is very angry about this. He thinks I am being jealous and unreasonable about it. I have tried to tell him that my feelings are reasonable and that if he truly loved me and cared about me he would respect my feelings instead of criticizing me and putting me down by telling me that I am a selfish person and only care about myself. He feels that I am trying to keep him from his grown children and small grandchildren. I have tried to tell him that it's not the children that is the problem, it is the fact that their mother, his ex-wife lives with them. I have tried to tell him that he now has a new wife, which is new for him as he has never had any other girlfriends. He has only had relationships with his ex-wife and now with me. He doesn't understand why it would upset me that he has contact with his ex-wife at his grown children's houses. I tried to tell him that since his family was together for so long (28 years), I think everyone, the children, his ex-wife, and even him, are all still trying to accept that the divorce is real and that he can no longer do things with his previous family like he did when he was single because now he is married to me, someone new, that has feelings about the matter.

Can someone please give me some insight into this? Am I being unreasonable about this situation or would anyone in my shoes, in this new situation be feeling the same way? Thank you. DASAB

Welcome to MB! I know that the situation that brought you here is not a pleasant one, but it's a great place to get some answers.

First of all, start reading all you can on the main site. The concepts are great, and there are tons of articles about everything marriage-related.

One of the things that you will learn here is that you cannot change your spouse, only yourself. It is important that you set boundries, yes, but you cannot force your H to do anything.

I noticed in your post that you've told your H that if he loved you, he would... It doesn't matter how the sentence ends, you're not being fair to him by making that statement. I believe that it falls under a Selfish Demand, which is a Love Buster, and needs to be changed so that it is instead a respectful request.

Once you learn about the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA), you will probably find that there are many other ways of doing things so that you both get what you want. Have you considered inviting your step-kids to your house for a visit?

Also, if he tells you that you shouldn't feel a certain way (which I believe he does), simply say "Please don't tell me how to feel, my feelings are my own." I find that it stops my fiance in his tracks and instead of telling me how to feel, he'll ask me why I feel the way that I do, and we can usually work through things.

Do you think that your H would be open to posting on the site? How about just reading the material? You can order some books off the main site - I would recommend His Needs, Her Needs, and Love Busters.

Please check in soon. Best of luck!

Cat

In my opinion, yes it is unreasonable to try to limit your husbands contact/involvement with his children..PERIOD.. BUT and that's a big but, that's not to say that there isn't anything you can do about it. My parents divorced after 25+ years of marriage and WE as a family still spend time together. My parents didn't divorce me or my sisters, they divorced each other. We, as children with children, love and want to spend time with all of them.

Why don't you spend time with them as well? You keep mentioning that HE is doing it, why not turn it into a WE thing? Heck, if it's an uncomfortable situation, maybe it will give him some initiative to make some changes. Whatever you do, don't be the one that tries to drive the wedge between him and his family....