My husband mentioned that he had lunch from new take-out restaurant. He picked up lunch for himself and two other co-workers. When he was talking about it, I felt a hot flush run through me which I attributed to intuition. (I'm not at the hot flash stage yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )
I do not like this feeling at all because I have experienced it in the past as a red flag.
I asked him some questions about the lunch/restaurant. I also asked him about a co-worker which he has had an on-again off-again emotional attachment with over the past eleven years. He said that, yes, she was still dating another co-worker. I didn't say anything else.
The conversation really bothered me. As I stood in front of his dresser, I prayed "Lord, if there is anything to this feeling, please let me know because I can't stand not knowing."
I looked on his dresser and there were two receipts for the restaurant. One for two entrees and the receipt said "take out". The other receipt was for three entrees and the time was 20+ minutes later. It also said take out.
This was Monday. I asked him about his lunch and whether he had eaten with someone. He said that no he had gotten carry out and taken it back to the office--that he had told me that. I told him I was uneasy about it. He asked me why I was asking--had someone seen him out or something? I said no, I was bothered and that was why I was asking.
I didn't say more about it but did dwell on it. Our relationship has not been that great for some time now. The incident brought back a lot of memories. If something was/is going on, it would explain a lot of his behavior toward me--not that I am Mrs. Wonderful--far from it!
Anyway--Tuesday night at church, he came to the altar where I was praying. In a broken voice, he told me he wanted to rededicate his life and rededicate his relationship with me. Under other circumstances, I would be thrilled, but this just served to make me more paranoid. When we were at home, I asked him why he said that to me and he said it was because he loved me.
This morning, I showed him a position that was open at a local company which seemed comparable to his. From there, the conversaton turned to how I felt uncomfortable about the lunch incident, how I had prayed and found the receipts. He said he must have picked up the other receipt because he referred to a receipt because he wondered if he had ordered lettuce on a sandwich or not. Yada Yada Yada.
From there, we discussed our relationship. I said I felt my security was threatened, that I was just not comfortable. Call me old-fashioned, but I do think that it is a primarily a husband's responsibility to initiate intimacy. (I have no problem doing so but think that he should be the one most of the time.) He said I was wrong in that and that he felt like I was blaming him. I told him i did not blame him and that I supposes it's just a matter of perspective.
He told me I needed to "just let go" of the past. I told that I let it go a long time ago.
Anyway, he's mad at me. As he was leaving for work, I asked him why he was mad. He said he just couldn't win with me. He wanted to "rededicate" his relationship with me and focus on making our relationship better and that I was being difficult. I told him that I, too, felt the same way and wanted our relationship to be better. He said we could talk about it more later and left for work.
I guess what it boils down to is that I don't feel like he's telling me the truth. Perhaps I am paranoid, but I think that I struck a nerve somewhere and between Monday-Tuesday, he realized what he was doing (whatever that was/is) and decided that we (three kids and I) were more important.
I don't know for sure. What he said may be true and what I am feeling make just be interference from the enemy. All I know is right now I feel like running away but I can't because I have too many responsibilities and obligations.
I can't tell anyone this so if anyone could please give me some objective advice, I would appreciate it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
