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TMCM,

Must have missed your post when I posted my replies; I'm sorry.

Yours is short and sweet and to the point. . . very good!

slh


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You guys dont have kids together, right? so there really is no need to remain "friends" unless YOU want to! I honestly see no point!

I would write something like this:

WW, Thank you for your email. I am glad that you are moving on and that you are doing well. It's nice that you would like to remain "friends" with me, however I do not agree as we have no children together and it would only complicate my future with any new relationship that I pursue. I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness some day! Take care

TTSI


There is no mention of the past, present or the future. dont mention anythinbg about how you think the problems could have been fixed...you've said that before...and saying it now would only feed her OWN curiosity of how you are still dwelling on it. Just keep it short and sweet. No bitterness...Just tell her the points.

I'm so sorry you had to file. It's not fun, I know...You take care

Last edited by MovingForward4Me; 07/21/05 11:24 AM.


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TTSi -

I will leave the letter advice to the gurus here...I just wanted to echo the sentiments of others here. You know you are healing when her comments no longer feel like daggers thrust into your gut. I am happy for you.

Also, I may be going to the Guadalupe with some friends sometime in August...give me a shout at geckogoon@yahoo.com and maybe you can join our little flotilla. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> If nothing else, we should grab dinner and a beer some evening...



TM


BH (Me) 32, WW 38 no kids been together 14.5 yrs. married 9 D-day 12/5/04 D final 11/23/05, she got it all...I just wanted out. Done with her...selfishness is not a virtue
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Hey TTSi,

My reply to that email would be "whatever..."

You sound good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Quote
Also, I may be going to the Guadalupe with some friends sometime in August...give me a shout at geckogoon@yahoo.com and maybe you can join our little flotilla. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> If nothing else, we should grab dinner and a beer some evening...

TM

TM, when are you going? We are also going to the Guadalupe...I wanted to take the kids down the river one more time before school starts! email me and maybe we could all get together...I think Still lives in SAT as well! We can have a San antonio MB get together! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



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I think Still lives in SAT as well! We can have a San antonio MB get together!

*sigh* Nope, MF4M, I'm in Houston, not SAT. This has been one busy summer, prob will continue to be thru Sept at least for us. We may be moving the in-laws down here and have been looking at houses, etc. Don't want to TJ, so more on that later, on another thread, tho.

Having said that, I'd love to have a TX MB "reunion" of sorts sometime -- if I miss this one, then maybe over the fall/ winter? Christmas breaks in TX are like fall here!

TTSi, what did you decide to do about the letter? Even if you ignore it, it would be fine, you know. . .


StillLovingHom


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- ray bradbury


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I'm sorry I hadn't replied sooner. It has been a busy day at work. And I rarely get a chance for any personal time on the computer.

I thank you all for confirming that I am moving past this, somewhat anyway. I'm a lot better off than I was. An email like that before would definitely had put me in a panic. Now I just pretty much expect it.

For some reason, I have a feeling that she is trying to get me to start some sort of "Please come home" type email since she hasn't had those feelings from me in a long time. I don't know why. Maybe it's for some sort of sick satisfaction.

I still do get sad daily about the whole mess. So I'm not quite where I want to be, but it is a different kind of sadness. Tough to explain for me anyway.
An example, This evening when I was driving home from the gym, I was driving towards the sunset. And it was quite pretty. It looked like a water color painting. We just didn't have sunsets like that in NV. As I was looking at it, I thought how great it would have been if W had been with me to see it. And that brought out the type of sadness that I feel. Hope that makes sense...

MF4M,
You are correct, we have no children.

TM, + TX MBers,
We definitely have to get a TX meet together sometime soon.
It would be great to meet all of you or some of you.
I have all my family and extended family here, but I really don't have any friends here yet. Guess I've just buried myself in work and the past... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had my birthday last Sunday. 31 now.
WW had actually sent me an email for my birthday ugh.
and to top all that off...
I'M NOW OFFICIALLY "30 Something" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> DAMMIT!!!
I hated that show HATED IT HATED IT!!! SO BORING!!

Oh, and I have not yet replied to her email. That's something new for me too. Before, I would have a serious urge to have to reply back right away. I need to think about it a little bit.
I did enjoy all your suggestions though. I will definitely draw from all of them. Keep the suggestions coming! Some gave me a good laugh, that I needed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I particularly liked the "What goes around, comes around." email. That has always been a saying of mine. This saying is already true for me. More on that later.

While I don't look at life as 'good' just yet, I can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel getting brighter.

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Oh! Couple things I missed!

SureSurvivor,
Hey! I haven't seen you around here in a long time!
How are things going for you? I hope your H is finally
starting to "get it"?

K,
Wow! A post from the master himself! I must be special. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
(I'm not worthy!)

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TTSI,

You sound really good....accepting of what has happened and making peace with the past...ready to move on....Plan B is certainly a very effective measure to protect those of us that have been BS's.

As I sit here writing this....I am looking out at a beautiful sunset in the town I grew up in. There is something about familiar places that offer comfort in times of trouble. I flew here today for business and when we were landing, I looked out the airplane window and started to cry. I was here a year ago at this same time when I was thinking my life was broken in pieces and now a year later things have come so far.


This is certainly one of the most painful experiences that all of us will ever face in our lives. So many of us want to regain our marriages back and yet...as the saying goes..."you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Most are focused on the statistic of regaining back the initial marriage....I wish another statistic was kept....how many MB'ers go onto have the next marriage that is long lasting and happy. I bet that percentage is high!
At some point down the line...you will have someone in your life to share that sunset with.

You have come a long way also in the way you think about relationships and yourself...all of that is a valuable trait in this crazy mixed up time. This time is for YOU....you are certainly still grieving what has been lost, but you are not wallowing in it or becoming bitter because of it....you have hope for a happy relationship further on down the line. You have written before about how that opportunity....but you are still taking care of you and that is a great decision for now.

TTSi, thank you so much for asking about me...so as not to TJ too much. FWS and I have been in recovery for about nine months...it has been tough...although attending MB seminar and coaching with SH....FWS does not follow up with assignments so progress is at a snails pace. The fence-sitting has shifted from him to me. I often question if I want to stay...his A, Plan A and two Plan B's left my love bank on empty. FWS does not fill my EN although he knows what to do. I certainly don't want to go back to the conditions before the A so we have a lot of learning to do. At this stage, although I do not hate H anymore, I do not love him either. What can I say....recovery is tough.

One of the benefits of this has been my emphasis on fitness. I was part of the ABE club (anything but exercise) and now I workout three times a week and I learned to play golf. You sound as if you are working out regularly also...good for you!!!!!! Some where down the line...you could take up another hobby...like dancing...great for fitness and social connections...just an idea <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again for all of your posting to me thru my rough periods....they were so helpful and supportive to help me hang on. You are certainly turning a corner and beginning to move on.... [color:"red"] Take care of yourself... [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


BS/me: 65
FWH: 75
Together: 36 years, no kids
D-day: 3/04
Plan A: 7 mos. Plan B #1 & #2
Recovery:11/04
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SS,
Thank you for your appreciative words. They do mean a lot to someone like me. I'm sorry things are not as well as you would like them to be in your life. I think if you keep at it, they will be. The only "quick" recovery that I know of, is a false one. I think a married couple pretty much have to go through hell to get to the other side together. Those recoveries where all of a sudden, everything is fine.... well, that's more of two people pretending than anything else. Sweep it under the rug and hope it doesn't crawl back out.

Glad to hear you're working out. You probably are starting to feel a bit younger by now eh?
That was my major motivation to start it years ago. When I started feeling like I wasn't 20 anymore. I didn't like it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Here we are, 10 years later and I still feel 20.


For you and everyone else,
I did get another email from her....

"I hope all is well. I just wanted to let you know this is my email from now on. The other one is no good. So if you need to get a hold of me please do so at this address."

Her last email came from the new address, and she also previously emailed me a few days before sending the latest barrage, telling me her old email address is no longer used.

Why do I think she's getting upset that I'm not acting the way she thought I would?

Instincts are wonderful... If people listened to them more often, we all would not be in the dark about so many things.
But I'm as guilty as the next guy for ignoring it.
Mostly because sometimes I don't like what it says and don't want to face what it's telling me.

More updates to come I'm sure....

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TTSi, It sounds like WS is fishing.....for months she did not contact you and the last time she contacted you, she said she would not give you her new address in CA...now all of the sudden she has provided you with her new address and sent you a barrage of emails??!!! Sounds as if she is trying to engage you...what do your instincts tell you, TTSi?

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Oh, she didn't give me her new address. All she did was tell me to send anything to the old address and that she would get it. I ended up getting it from her Father. She had emailed it to him before she moved.
I really don't think she's trying to get back into contact with me. I think only to get some "oh please come home" talk from me, as she hasn't heard or felt any desire to be with her from me in a long, long time.


I ended up emailing her back. A little of what I wanted to say to her personally, and the rest I took from TMCM's post. He did sum up exactly what I have been feeling.
I'm more interested in speaking the truth, than to try to 'win' her over anymore. I didn't try to attack her really, but I did want to put the onus back on her, as the feeling that I got from her email was, "I didn't do anything wrong because we grew apart."

What I sent was:

"What is sad is, while we did have some pretty big problems, all of them were solvable. None of them were problems that other married couples didn't work out and through. Everyone knew and agreed on this, even our marriage counselor. The only problem that was unsolvable was your refusal to end the adultery.

There are two sayings that are most often true than not, 'What goes around, comes around' and 'What he does with you, he can do to you'. It grieves me to realize that one day you will most likely find yourself in exactly the same place I am right now. I truly hope I'm dead wrong about this for it is something that I would not wish even on my worst enemy, and much, much less on the one person I once loved with all my heart, you."


Will it tee her off? I don't care. It's the truth, and if she can't handle that, then what does that say about the truth she had made for herself?

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Oh and my instincts?

One day, maybe awhile from now she's going to want to get back with me. Hopefully I will be so moved on that it won't even phase me. Unfortunately, I do worry about her future. As it doesn't look very good. People with her disorders do not fare well, especially women.

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TTSi,

I think it is great that you are getting your feelings off your chest....it is a healthy way to relieve your stress. God knows, we BS's have alot of stress. I am with you that I would not care about what WS thinks...it seems as if she realizes her past acts and I do not think your intent is to hurt...your intent to speak truth...you did not say it in a mean way...you just said it in a truthful way You said acknowledged that you had problems and they could have been solved...not a mean thing...actually that statement was not an attack at all...it sounded hopeful to me.

Your instinct is probably right on...she will want to get back with you. It is caring of you to still be worried about her....but she is her own person and an adult that makes her own choices. You should know that you took good care of W while you were together.......you kept her from harm but now she is on her own......

You are doing good...you are taking good care of yourself. It is the summer time and this one is much more full of hope then the last one....keep posting and keep up the good work....blessings...ss <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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I'll bet she *is* wondering why you haven't come back recently, inquiring about her, and it has her perplexed. . . Maybe she wants a safety net, maybe she does care. But you're right, it doesn't matter.

You sound strong.


slh


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Thank you.

I think taking charge and filing myself has a lot to do with my strength.
What also helps for me anyway, is being able to file under adultery. Whereas when I lived in NV, your only option is "Irreconsirable Differences." Which to me is complete BS. While it may sound kinda cheesey, for me I am able to tell the world the truth on the end of our marriage, have it be public record.

Haven't had a reply back from her after I sent the last email. I was kind of expecting somewhat of a tirade from her, with me calling her on the truth and all. But like I said before, it doesn't matter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Wow, Its been a long time since I posted and updated.
I am sorry about that. The last month and a half I have been working like mad, getting ready for a new product launch. I feel like I've been having to do everything with it myself... Very drained.. The product introduction will be the middle of this week. I'm a bit anxious, as nothing like this has ever been made before. So I don't know for sure how it will be received.

On my situation, since I last posted, WW was served on the 10th of Aug. She had 20 days to respond. I haven't talked to my lawyer lately, but I don't think she did respond to it at all. I sure haven't heard a thing from her anyway.
On Oct 20th, there is a court date set for "Final Orders"
whatever that means. Just got the notice in the mail. I'm not sure exactly goes on with that, but I'll be talked to the lawyer this week to get a better description.

Other than those things, everything else is the same.
I still struggle with this quite a bit. While I know I've made progress, I do fear never fully recovering from it.
I guess the best way to describe it, is that I feel like a broken toy in the corner. If that makes any sense.

Still on my ADs, doc doesn't want to make any changes to them until after the holidays.

I just hope, that as the divorce looms closer, that things don't get any worse. I've had enough. I want to be happy again.

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TTSi,

Nice to hear from you again. Ya know I just might get around to updating my story one day too.

I’m glad to hear you doing well. Happiness will come, likely as a byproduct of living your life well rather than as the culmination of a search for it. With all due respect for the sanctity of marriage and the principles espoused by the MB philosophy, it is my personal opinion that you are in need of one hot-out-of-the-oven divorce. You have no children, your wife has one with OM and according to you she has psychological problems. You will……in time be extremely content with this decision and the opportunities it provides you.

I will be single in another month it seems. Bring it on.


BS 42 S-10 D-5 D-day 03NOV14 Plan B - 04Jul22 Filed(me) - 05May13 Final - 06Mar16 "When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
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Hi TTSi,

Thanks for the update..it sounds as if you are really busy...best wishes on the product launch...I can understand how that could keep you on pins and needles.....I have my fingers crossed.

The decision was made, the paperwork has been filed, the court date set...so why don't I feel better? I totally understand the "broken toy" in the corner feeling. Something tells me that feeling pretty much happens however it turns out--WS returns or BS files. The cut is so deep...it's bound to take quite a while to repair...I guess it is a process, a progression.... I would wake up some mornings and say..."hey, I am awake and not crying." And then I would wake up..."hey, I am awake and I did not think about OW or A today." Maybe someday, I will wake up and say..."hey I am awake and I am happy today." I pray for time to pass and the ugly memory to get smaller in the distance.

I went to a class this weekend on meditation...we were suppose to pick a word for a mantra....the word I selected was "release." I just wanted to let go of the pain and memories that were inside me. How I felt about myself and FWS.

You will be happy again....you have so much capacity to care and you have learned so many important skills to "build a marriage." For now...you will have to get through this part...this phase to get to the other side.

Are you still working out? Did you spend time on the water this summer? Anyway...thanks for the update and keep us posted on how the proceedings and product launch go.

Good luck and God bless you, TTSi... ss <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Hey TTSi,

Just checking with you...how did the product launch go? Hope it wently smoothly and it is time to [color:"red"]celebrate [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

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