There hasn't been anything really new going on with my situation for quite a few months now. That's part of the reason why I haven't posted any updates for awhile...

WW had tried to call me yesterday, wanted me to call her back. I didn't and don't have any plans to. She did also send me an email. Saying that she hoped I got her voice message and that I was just probably "ignoring her." She was asking about me signing over the car to her again, which I already told her I would do, as it's in my name and in my best interests to get rid of that as a liability.

But of course that wasn't the only thing in the email, she asked a whole lot of questions about how things are going in my life, about my parents family etc. Says she still thinks about me etc..

My reply was just going to be, "Send me the paperwork for the car and I'll sign it over. As far as the rest, I would ask that you please reread the letter I had previously sent you.

(That would be my plan B letter.)

And just leave it at that.

Good. Thats exactly what you should have done. How are you doing now? I used to read your posts and wondered how you were doing.

Very disciplined of you. Did your plan B letter indicate that email messages are OK as long as they pertain to financial matters?

I know you've been a this a while, why havn't you dealt with the car issue already? That would remove one more thing that she could use as an excuse to contact you.

Do you have a time frame in mind for the length of your plan B?

Shelly,
Thanks for the support <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am doing much better, WAY better than when I first started Plan B. I still deal with the regrets, and the things that go along with that, but I feel somewhat of a future, whereas before I felt no such thing at all. I think that was the worst place to be in anyone's life.

Binder,
Thank you as well. I like the term, disciplined. Mostly I do it for protection, so I am not sucked back into drama. It took way too long to get out of that, and it was doing me no good whatsoever. While I didn't mention that email was ok, I did mention that things that pertain to financial matters were alright. That didn't include the laundry list of personal things she asked me in the email. That's why I want to remind her of the letter.
I had offered many times to deal with the car issue, she just never acted on it. Yeah, I'm thinking it's an excuse to contact me periodically too.

Time frame. In total, at the most, 2 yrs from out initial seperation. Which would be Nov 05. I think we will be going to Plan D before that though.

Why do you think It will go to divorce prior?

I'll have to read this tomorrow, too late....bed.....now.

I think it will go to divorce prior, because I've just about had my fill. I think I've taken enough that I can stand and I'm not going to continue this much longer.

TTSi,

I know not your saga, but I know the drama of which you speak.

Glad you are out of that drama and can look back at it and see it for what it was. Some people MUST have or make drama in their lives to exist.

As you separate yourself from that drama, you see the big picture and the big D is not as horrible as it seemed.

But, of course, what do I know?

k

Krusht,
I think you know plenty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think the hardest part is knowing I will always love her, but yet can not have a life with her any longer. I'll have to carry that with me forever. The rest of the issues of divorce are cake compared to that.

So what did I get for a reply?
Just that she'd send me the paperwork for the car, and that she was just trying to be nice and see how I was doing and that I didn't need to be rude...

You are such a [censored], TTSi. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

She doesn't really want to know how you're doing! What a big faker.

TTSi, do you feel sorry for her?

GC

Yeah, I do feel sorry for her, in the choices that she had made. That she doesn't yet see/understand the pain it will cause her one day.

I was just really shocked that she thought I was rude... then WTF would her own behavior be called?

TTSi - Although it is little consolation, we both know what our WW's will go through one day. The reality of it all will hit them like a ton of bricks. Unfortunately, that experience may occur far too late. We will be, to quote an 80's song, "...running the other way..."

And to answer your question, in the real world, her actions would indeed be considered rude, at the minimum. But in the fog world, it is completely justified, they are just a poor victim of their awful, uncaring, evil spouses. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

TM

Right you are TM.
Although my WW is a bit different, as A LOT of her behavior is the result of a mental disorder.
I know that doesn't excuse anything at all, but it does force me to look at it differently. I think that causes me quite a lot of sadness. Knowing that someone you love engages in such self-destuctive behavior, at least partially cause by a disorder, that maybe I could have done something about if I had took it more seriously than I thought it was..

BTW, where in TX are you? I moved back here last summer. Just curious.

Hey TTSi,

Glad to hear from you......computer has been on the fritz, but was working today. I was scrolling and came across your thread.

I think you had the car thing okay....not rude, but matter of fact. Sounds as if WS was "fishing" trying to engage you in a conversation. It is a shame that she has not realized the reality of her actions....much pain and remorse will be part of her future.

As for you...I am glad to hear you are okay....you sound calm as if you are coming to peace. I can understand your feelings about bringing this chapter to a possible close...you are have given it your best.....glad you are well and are you still going to the gym? Thanks for the update. God be with you TTSi, on this journey. ss

TTSi,

Good to see you're doing well and continuing with Plan B. When is your wife due (or has she had the baby yet)?

Take care of yourself...

SS,
Havn't seen your for quite awhile! Thank for stopping by.
One thing I did find out from all this car stuff, is that WW no longer has an apartment, she and OM now live with his mother... Guy's 40 yrs old and can't even support himself, as before, he was living with his grandmother. Can we say Loser with a capital L? It's kinda funny, I was talking with my FIL awhile back, and mentioned that I would bet they would end up moving in with his mother. I sure can call em!

I am somewhat at peace. At least moreso than before. Still going through a lot of guilt, remorse, and grieving for sure.
Yep, still going to the gym. I'm up at 215lbs now. It's going to take a good 6-8 months to get back to where I was. But that ain't bad, considering it took me 3 yrs to get to where I once was.


K,
Been a long time!
She did have her baby back in October. She has never mentioned it once to me, oddly enough. Probably because it will remind her of her choices. Inlaws and I talk about it ever now and then.

Finally got the computer line back up to running...whew....

Funny how WS contacts you and does not mention the baby...if you spoke to WS in Plan B..conversation would go like..."oh, I am okay..moving on, working out...what's new with you?"....

Question: TTSi, you are a very sensible person. I can understand the grieving and remorse...but I am wondering the nature of the guilt? That thought has stuck in my brain. I know I am processing alot of emotions as a BS, but I was just wondering how guilt fit in? Care to elaborate?

Anyway...good that you are working out...I am also and I have never done this in my life....one of the good things that came out of the darkness. Take care.

SS,
For me, my guilt I think is more specific to my situation. (well, except for others dealing with a mentally ill spouse)

I feel guilt because, I always knew she had a mental problem. Even when I was much younger, I knew something was not quite right... As I got older/wiser, I learned specifically what she had, as did she. I feel that I could have taken it more seriously. Not that I didn't at all,
I guess I just wanted to believe that it wasn't that bad. I think I could have been able to have her get focused on it and got her into some intense therapy. I know that it is her own responsibility....

I always thought of her and her well being as at least partly my responsibility. Being her H and all. I know her illness played a large part in all this. Not that it in any way excuses her from her actions, but that I should have stepped up to the plate in a larger fashion.

I feel that if I had, I may not ever had been in the situation that I'm in now.

Hopefully I was able to make some sense.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TTSi....your answer does make sense and I understand the basis of your feeling now. To the best of my knowledge there is not references to mental illness and marital issues in any of the writing...but it has to be a very complex issue as in substance abuse....which is very far reaching in scope.

I have known many caring, intelligent people love others with mental illness and in the end are unable to save those people from themselves despite any and all efforts. Perhaps your situation might fall into this category.

One particular case comes to mind, where a friend's wife was a "paranoid". They were married for about 15 years. Her illness got worse...she took meds...she got better and thought she should stop taking them since she was "better." Her illness returned, and she focused her fear on her husband. Her husband and therapist begged her to continue her meds, but she left the "dream house" they built together and now lives on the streets in hiding removed from everyone.

You have many emotions as we BS's do....I understand the origin of the guilt now....you are entitled to feel what you feel....but I hope it won't last long for you because it just seems as if you could have not done more.

Anyway....good to hear from you...and keep up the good work of taking care of you. Regards, ss

(((TTSi))) Just a big hi. I have been worrying about you. GLad to hear that you are okay?

OK thats it....all this unhappiness....I think we all need to meet in disneyland and have fun...forget our WS's for a day and just enjoy life....bring the kids and just have a ball.What you all think? I mean it's almost summer....road trips are always fund...ok there could be a car pool thing/group of people from every state that travel together....hehe...i jsut wanna see lemonman on the teacups.....muhahahaha.

Disneyland trip? God, sounds good to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SS,
Glad you can understand the difficulties that adding in an unstable factor (mental illness) can be. It changes a whole lot of things. I have always felt the need to 'rescue' her. I have been faulted by others because of this, but you know, what else can a husband do? If you vow to protect your spouse, that's what you do. Period. At least that's the way I've always looked at it.
Maybe that's not the best way, as people sometimes can't learn unless they fall flat on their face.

FAA,

Good to see you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
been a long time. I am doing alright. Still dealing with things, as you can see, but I'm managing....

Oh and an update for everyone, I now have another (two now) 40yr old lady after me. Now I will need everyone's advice......
Blow my brains out because I'm not attacting 19 yr old beauty queens? Or get on my knees and thank God that at least she still has her own teeth?

TTSi -

Somehow I missed your question last time I checked the thread....

I am in Houston presently, but will most likely be moving to Austin sometime over the summer. It is all up in the air for right now.

LOL about your fan club!

I'm in if y'all are serious about Disneyland...I need to be in LA sometime over the next month or so anyway - I have to move all the stuff I have in storage there back to TX....

TM

Yes... and I shall call my new fan club.........

"TTSi's groupie chicks with mostly their own teeth"

TM,
Austin is a good move... Very happening place, especially for those in their 20s and 30s.
I'm about 45 miles south of Austin.

Hi TTSi.

I've been trying to follow your posts for a while; just wanted to say how much progress you've made and that we are all proud of you. It must be so hard to let go of someone when they're innately trying to destroy themselves; I can't even imagine what demons you've had to reckon with. I can't claim to know what mental dis. your STBEX had, but I've come in close contact with my share, and I desperately feel for you. Please keep checking in.

Man there are a lot of Texans on this board. I'm in Houston, too, but would move to Austin in a heartbeat were it financially feasible (though I would miss the beach. . .)

Keep it up, TTSi.


~ StillLovingHim

Hi TTSI, i dont think I have ever posted to you before! I noticed that you said "she" had the baby in OCt...did you wife have the OM's baby? I didnt' know she was PG...

I live in corpus right now, but will be moving to San Antonio soon...after the Divorce is final...I am looking forward to getting back to San Antonio as I grew up there and my mom is there still! I go up often now to visit... Do you live in San Marcos? I go there often...to shop you know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

maybe we can all get together and have lunch one day...meet up in a central location of Texas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> with all the MB texans on here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

mt3b,

I'd love to meet up with you sometime, maybe after you've moved and things everywhere have settled down a bit -- and my kids would, too! They are all girls but more of the tree-climbing, science-studying, mud-playing variety. They'd prefer boys to hang out with than girly girls any day.

And your boys sure are gorgeous!

~ StillLovingHim

Been out late tonite, so I'll update this better tommorow evening....

Mt3B,
I'm in New Braunfels.... I like it here, and am originally from here..


One more thing to update, after I let WW know that I had sent her the car ownership transfer paperwork, she said,
"Just a FYI, getting ready to move to CA soon. Will keep in touch."

yes, she did have OM's baby in October. CA has very liberal child support laws.... crazy stuff. I'm going to have to file for divorce very soon. I don't know if she has some plans, that have something to do with moving there so that she can try to get some sort of child support from me, but I won't bet against it.

*poke* as far as the old lady thing I think you should be flattered....but don't loose hope...there are lots of young ladies out there who would love to go out with ya....(we've all told you what a handsome devil you are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)...or chase ya if need be....hehe...just make sure they arn't wielding shot guns or pitchforks and torches...and I think your ok. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

TTSi-

My WW and I used to visit Camp Huaco Springs fairly regularly during the summer... There were some great memories there...all triggers now...

Don't worry too much about your WW's timetable. She cannot file in CA until she has been a resident there for 6 months. You might have to do something before then, though.

I am not against a group of MB'ers meeting in New Braunfels/San Marcos/Austin...I will certainly drive up for it. I love that part of TX.

I wish I had a fan club. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TM

If she moves to CA YOU wont have to pay ANY CS, especially if the OM is the father and paternity has been proven...that's just crazy...I have a good friend in CA and she knows the laws very well...CA is a bit like TX when it comes to Divorce and stuff!

I had no idea that your wife had a baby with OM..I never saw you on the PG board! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

ARGH...how do you review the posts on this board??? I dont remember who is was who said they lived in SAT??? Stillloveinghim???

I would LOVE to meet up with you guys...

I grew up on the NE part of SAT...just 20 min from New Braunsfels! Used to go to NB every weekend...Love that little town! I know it well!

I'll be passing by in two weeks when me and my boys go camping! We go to Garner STate park every summer...this time we will be all along though
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> a little scary going down that river alone, but I am looking forward to it!

Still??? is that who it was, email me at my addy below and maybe we can meet up! that sounds fun! I know of a few other MBers in SAT too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to be in Disneyland June 24th ... so get in line behind me for Space Mountain !

LOL

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Momto3Boys,

No, Hon, I'm in Houston. Flat, boring, hot Houston. Everyone else is in San Antone, LOL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But I still want to get together sometime later this summer. What say you? Can your three cuties (XX) stand mine (XY)?

I'll email you tomorrow anyway!

TTSi,

Holy Smokes! I finally went to see what the fuss was all about with your pic and I cannot say I was disappointed in the least! Heavens above, if I wasn't married and so hooked on that man . . . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LOL

G'night, all.


~StillLovingHim

I have been so busy lately.... Always something needing tending to. Either work or whatever family matter/get together... Everytime I think I'm caught up and have some free time, something has to always pop up! argh... Is this a taste of single life? bleh!!
One thing I've had a little time to take up is Wakeboarding. Never waterskied or anything like that before, I kneeboarded behind a boat when I was a kid, but that's all. I can get a good 3 feet of air jumping over the boat's wake, but I'm not doing flips and twists yet. Maybe before the end of the summer though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway.. I am sorry I haven't updated or responded until now.. I'm going to try to be good from now on ok?

There hasn't been much really going on, as far as the WW is concerned. Since my last update, About her emailing me about her moving to CA, the only other thing she has mentioned was asking me if I had her passport somewhere. I don't and told her so.. she did not elaborate on anything else... I still feel huge amounts of responsibility over this whole thing. I know it's silly and stupid, and I know it is not my fault. But still, I do blame myself.

I have not had any further adventures in "Attack of the older woman with mostly their own teeth." So I cannot provide any entertainment in that arena right now. I have a feeling I'm overdue for some more, so stay tuned... I'm sure I'll have another scenario that is funny to everyone else but me, to share with you all.

Those of us in the central Texas area should have a meet sometime. Heck, 6th St. Austin would be pretty good in the summer. Or the riverwalk in SA... Though I'm not good at organizing such things. I would definitely show if someone where to start planning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I do appreciate the comments on my pic. To be fair though, It is probably just a better pic of me. I don't think I'm all that....

M23Bs,
Thank you for the re-assurance about her move. I did panic a little... I appreciate it very much..

Travelin Man,
You'll have a fan club some day. I'm sure of it... Although do not wish too hard... You might be posting about the "Adventures of Travelin' Man and the teenage boy fans of Michael Jackson" (J/K!!!)

StillLovingHim,
WOW, thank you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TTSi-

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What is quite ironic about your joke is you don't know how close to the truth you are. I have been running with a party/trendy crowd and have been hit on by more men in the last two months than I can count. I guess I should feel an ego boost, but it just isn't the same. I don't know why, but women just aren't as aggressive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Count me in for some 6th street fun. I love Austin...may be moving that way sometime in the next couple of months.

I normally would take the lead on organizing such things, but I have become notoriously unreliable since my d-day. I have trouble getting motivated and/or caring...

I hope it will work it's way out of my system soon.



Glad to hear from you.

TM

Got a minor update..

I filed as of last week.

She did end up moving to CA.
I had asked her for her new address, and she just said that whatever I wanted to send I could send to her old address and she would get it. Basically she did not want to give me the new address. Oh well. Got it anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I figured since I have not been communicating with her, that I would get the following email sooner or later, and it has come. It read,

"Good morning I hope all is well. I will keep this short, I just wanted to say I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you through the years and especially through the last couple. Some day I truely hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

You are a great person and I did enjoy the time we were together and I am sorry things ended the way they did. growing apart and having major problems like we did can be extremely rough. I know you probably don't want to but I do hope we can remain friends. I still think of you and hope things are well for you. You will always be in my prayers."



It's funny how that would have sent me through loops if I had received that from her in the past. Now I just shake my head.

Wondering if someone could provide me with one of the awesome replies/translations that I have seen here before. I'm terrible with that sort of thing.

If I end up replying to her, I was just going to make it short with,
"Yes, we did have some pretty big problems. All of which were solvable. Except for your refusal to end the adultery."

Was also thinking of adding, "And that's something you'll have to live with."

Whatcha all think?
It's way too late for me to be posting... need sleep.. I'll get back on tommorow evening and maybe post something coherent... with more detail <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How about the following:


TMCM

It's too late for me to be posting, too, so i'll make this brief. . .

I wanted to let you know that I think it was Gimble who is able to write those awesome replies to WSs. The one I am thinking of was to Binder's STBXW, I think.

I can see your growth in your posts, TTSI, and it is so heartening. Keep it up.


StillLovingHim

Hey, I easily found Gimble's reponse to Binder's WW's letter and hoped they wouldn't mind if I cut and pasted it here. Not all of it applies to your sitch, and I know you mentioned that you may want yours to be be short, but this will at least give you something to chew on, and Gimble's shoot-from-the-hip writing is downright fantastic. . .

slh


---- everything below is compliments of Gimble ---------

{{{{{{{{{{{{{TTSi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am sorry to hear that things have come to this, but you have given it your very best effort...IMHO, you did everything to try and save M and WW...but she did not emerge from fog....it is really sad for her.
WW sent an email acknowledging the pain that she caused you which shows she realizes the consequence of her actions. Something tells me...later on...you will hear more sad chapters about her life, like so many others here...not that you wish her ill, but WS has not made good choices for herself.

You, my friend, have made strides....your post sounds so vastly different than last year at this time..it shows so much growth....funny how a year combined with alot of soul searching can change the picture. You have worked on you....You have become stronger and wiser by your choices and practicing the MB principles.

The time has come to pass to begin a new for yourself, TTSi...with misty eyes, not looking back, head held high, one foot confidently placed in front of the other....walk towards the future.

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs to TTSi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

ss

TMCM,

Must have missed your post when I posted my replies; I'm sorry.

Yours is short and sweet and to the point. . . very good!

slh

You guys dont have kids together, right? so there really is no need to remain "friends" unless YOU want to! I honestly see no point!

I would write something like this:

WW, Thank you for your email. I am glad that you are moving on and that you are doing well. It's nice that you would like to remain "friends" with me, however I do not agree as we have no children together and it would only complicate my future with any new relationship that I pursue. I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness some day! Take care

TTSI

There is no mention of the past, present or the future. dont mention anythinbg about how you think the problems could have been fixed...you've said that before...and saying it now would only feed her OWN curiosity of how you are still dwelling on it. Just keep it short and sweet. No bitterness...Just tell her the points.

I'm so sorry you had to file. It's not fun, I know...You take care

TTSi -

I will leave the letter advice to the gurus here...I just wanted to echo the sentiments of others here. You know you are healing when her comments no longer feel like daggers thrust into your gut. I am happy for you.

Also, I may be going to the Guadalupe with some friends sometime in August...give me a shout at geckogoon@yahoo.com and maybe you can join our little flotilla. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> If nothing else, we should grab dinner and a beer some evening...



TM

Hey TTSi,

My reply to that email would be "whatever..."

You sound good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TM, when are you going? We are also going to the Guadalupe...I wanted to take the kids down the river one more time before school starts! email me and maybe we could all get together...I think Still lives in SAT as well! We can have a San antonio MB get together! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think Still lives in SAT as well! We can have a San antonio MB get together!

*sigh* Nope, MF4M, I'm in Houston, not SAT. This has been one busy summer, prob will continue to be thru Sept at least for us. We may be moving the in-laws down here and have been looking at houses, etc. Don't want to TJ, so more on that later, on another thread, tho.

Having said that, I'd love to have a TX MB "reunion" of sorts sometime -- if I miss this one, then maybe over the fall/ winter? Christmas breaks in TX are like fall here!

TTSi, what did you decide to do about the letter? Even if you ignore it, it would be fine, you know. . .


StillLovingHom

I'm sorry I hadn't replied sooner. It has been a busy day at work. And I rarely get a chance for any personal time on the computer.

I thank you all for confirming that I am moving past this, somewhat anyway. I'm a lot better off than I was. An email like that before would definitely had put me in a panic. Now I just pretty much expect it.

For some reason, I have a feeling that she is trying to get me to start some sort of "Please come home" type email since she hasn't had those feelings from me in a long time. I don't know why. Maybe it's for some sort of sick satisfaction.

I still do get sad daily about the whole mess. So I'm not quite where I want to be, but it is a different kind of sadness. Tough to explain for me anyway.
An example, This evening when I was driving home from the gym, I was driving towards the sunset. And it was quite pretty. It looked like a water color painting. We just didn't have sunsets like that in NV. As I was looking at it, I thought how great it would have been if W had been with me to see it. And that brought out the type of sadness that I feel. Hope that makes sense...

MF4M,
You are correct, we have no children.

TM, + TX MBers,
We definitely have to get a TX meet together sometime soon.
It would be great to meet all of you or some of you.
I have all my family and extended family here, but I really don't have any friends here yet. Guess I've just buried myself in work and the past... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had my birthday last Sunday. 31 now.
WW had actually sent me an email for my birthday ugh.
and to top all that off...
I'M NOW OFFICIALLY "30 Something" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> DAMMIT!!!
I hated that show HATED IT HATED IT!!! SO BORING!!

Oh, and I have not yet replied to her email. That's something new for me too. Before, I would have a serious urge to have to reply back right away. I need to think about it a little bit.
I did enjoy all your suggestions though. I will definitely draw from all of them. Keep the suggestions coming! Some gave me a good laugh, that I needed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I particularly liked the "What goes around, comes around." email. That has always been a saying of mine. This saying is already true for me. More on that later.

While I don't look at life as 'good' just yet, I can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel getting brighter.

Oh! Couple things I missed!

SureSurvivor,
Hey! I haven't seen you around here in a long time!
How are things going for you? I hope your H is finally
starting to "get it"?

K,
Wow! A post from the master himself! I must be special. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
(I'm not worthy!)

TTSI,

You sound really good....accepting of what has happened and making peace with the past...ready to move on....Plan B is certainly a very effective measure to protect those of us that have been BS's.

As I sit here writing this....I am looking out at a beautiful sunset in the town I grew up in. There is something about familiar places that offer comfort in times of trouble. I flew here today for business and when we were landing, I looked out the airplane window and started to cry. I was here a year ago at this same time when I was thinking my life was broken in pieces and now a year later things have come so far.


This is certainly one of the most painful experiences that all of us will ever face in our lives. So many of us want to regain our marriages back and yet...as the saying goes..."you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Most are focused on the statistic of regaining back the initial marriage....I wish another statistic was kept....how many MB'ers go onto have the next marriage that is long lasting and happy. I bet that percentage is high!
At some point down the line...you will have someone in your life to share that sunset with.

You have come a long way also in the way you think about relationships and yourself...all of that is a valuable trait in this crazy mixed up time. This time is for YOU....you are certainly still grieving what has been lost, but you are not wallowing in it or becoming bitter because of it....you have hope for a happy relationship further on down the line. You have written before about how that opportunity....but you are still taking care of you and that is a great decision for now.

TTSi, thank you so much for asking about me...so as not to TJ too much. FWS and I have been in recovery for about nine months...it has been tough...although attending MB seminar and coaching with SH....FWS does not follow up with assignments so progress is at a snails pace. The fence-sitting has shifted from him to me. I often question if I want to stay...his A, Plan A and two Plan B's left my love bank on empty. FWS does not fill my EN although he knows what to do. I certainly don't want to go back to the conditions before the A so we have a lot of learning to do. At this stage, although I do not hate H anymore, I do not love him either. What can I say....recovery is tough.

One of the benefits of this has been my emphasis on fitness. I was part of the ABE club (anything but exercise) and now I workout three times a week and I learned to play golf. You sound as if you are working out regularly also...good for you!!!!!! Some where down the line...you could take up another hobby...like dancing...great for fitness and social connections...just an idea <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again for all of your posting to me thru my rough periods....they were so helpful and supportive to help me hang on. You are certainly turning a corner and beginning to move on.... [color:"red"] Take care of yourself... [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

SS,
Thank you for your appreciative words. They do mean a lot to someone like me. I'm sorry things are not as well as you would like them to be in your life. I think if you keep at it, they will be. The only "quick" recovery that I know of, is a false one. I think a married couple pretty much have to go through hell to get to the other side together. Those recoveries where all of a sudden, everything is fine.... well, that's more of two people pretending than anything else. Sweep it under the rug and hope it doesn't crawl back out.

Glad to hear you're working out. You probably are starting to feel a bit younger by now eh?
That was my major motivation to start it years ago. When I started feeling like I wasn't 20 anymore. I didn't like it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Here we are, 10 years later and I still feel 20.


For you and everyone else,
I did get another email from her....

"I hope all is well. I just wanted to let you know this is my email from now on. The other one is no good. So if you need to get a hold of me please do so at this address."

Her last email came from the new address, and she also previously emailed me a few days before sending the latest barrage, telling me her old email address is no longer used.

Why do I think she's getting upset that I'm not acting the way she thought I would?

Instincts are wonderful... If people listened to them more often, we all would not be in the dark about so many things.
But I'm as guilty as the next guy for ignoring it.
Mostly because sometimes I don't like what it says and don't want to face what it's telling me.

More updates to come I'm sure....

TTSi, It sounds like WS is fishing.....for months she did not contact you and the last time she contacted you, she said she would not give you her new address in CA...now all of the sudden she has provided you with her new address and sent you a barrage of emails??!!! Sounds as if she is trying to engage you...what do your instincts tell you, TTSi?

Oh, she didn't give me her new address. All she did was tell me to send anything to the old address and that she would get it. I ended up getting it from her Father. She had emailed it to him before she moved.
I really don't think she's trying to get back into contact with me. I think only to get some "oh please come home" talk from me, as she hasn't heard or felt any desire to be with her from me in a long, long time.


I ended up emailing her back. A little of what I wanted to say to her personally, and the rest I took from TMCM's post. He did sum up exactly what I have been feeling.
I'm more interested in speaking the truth, than to try to 'win' her over anymore. I didn't try to attack her really, but I did want to put the onus back on her, as the feeling that I got from her email was, "I didn't do anything wrong because we grew apart."

What I sent was:

"What is sad is, while we did have some pretty big problems, all of them were solvable. None of them were problems that other married couples didn't work out and through. Everyone knew and agreed on this, even our marriage counselor. The only problem that was unsolvable was your refusal to end the adultery.

There are two sayings that are most often true than not, 'What goes around, comes around' and 'What he does with you, he can do to you'. It grieves me to realize that one day you will most likely find yourself in exactly the same place I am right now. I truly hope I'm dead wrong about this for it is something that I would not wish even on my worst enemy, and much, much less on the one person I once loved with all my heart, you."


Will it tee her off? I don't care. It's the truth, and if she can't handle that, then what does that say about the truth she had made for herself?

Oh and my instincts?

One day, maybe awhile from now she's going to want to get back with me. Hopefully I will be so moved on that it won't even phase me. Unfortunately, I do worry about her future. As it doesn't look very good. People with her disorders do not fare well, especially women.

TTSi,

I think it is great that you are getting your feelings off your chest....it is a healthy way to relieve your stress. God knows, we BS's have alot of stress. I am with you that I would not care about what WS thinks...it seems as if she realizes her past acts and I do not think your intent is to hurt...your intent to speak truth...you did not say it in a mean way...you just said it in a truthful way You said acknowledged that you had problems and they could have been solved...not a mean thing...actually that statement was not an attack at all...it sounded hopeful to me.

Your instinct is probably right on...she will want to get back with you. It is caring of you to still be worried about her....but she is her own person and an adult that makes her own choices. You should know that you took good care of W while you were together.......you kept her from harm but now she is on her own......

You are doing good...you are taking good care of yourself. It is the summer time and this one is much more full of hope then the last one....keep posting and keep up the good work....blessings...ss <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll bet she *is* wondering why you haven't come back recently, inquiring about her, and it has her perplexed. . . Maybe she wants a safety net, maybe she does care. But you're right, it doesn't matter.

You sound strong.


slh

Thank you.

I think taking charge and filing myself has a lot to do with my strength.
What also helps for me anyway, is being able to file under adultery. Whereas when I lived in NV, your only option is "Irreconsirable Differences." Which to me is complete BS. While it may sound kinda cheesey, for me I am able to tell the world the truth on the end of our marriage, have it be public record.

Haven't had a reply back from her after I sent the last email. I was kind of expecting somewhat of a tirade from her, with me calling her on the truth and all. But like I said before, it doesn't matter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow, Its been a long time since I posted and updated.
I am sorry about that. The last month and a half I have been working like mad, getting ready for a new product launch. I feel like I've been having to do everything with it myself... Very drained.. The product introduction will be the middle of this week. I'm a bit anxious, as nothing like this has ever been made before. So I don't know for sure how it will be received.

On my situation, since I last posted, WW was served on the 10th of Aug. She had 20 days to respond. I haven't talked to my lawyer lately, but I don't think she did respond to it at all. I sure haven't heard a thing from her anyway.
On Oct 20th, there is a court date set for "Final Orders"
whatever that means. Just got the notice in the mail. I'm not sure exactly goes on with that, but I'll be talked to the lawyer this week to get a better description.

Other than those things, everything else is the same.
I still struggle with this quite a bit. While I know I've made progress, I do fear never fully recovering from it.
I guess the best way to describe it, is that I feel like a broken toy in the corner. If that makes any sense.

Still on my ADs, doc doesn't want to make any changes to them until after the holidays.

I just hope, that as the divorce looms closer, that things don't get any worse. I've had enough. I want to be happy again.

TTSi,

Nice to hear from you again. Ya know I just might get around to updating my story one day too.

I’m glad to hear you doing well. Happiness will come, likely as a byproduct of living your life well rather than as the culmination of a search for it. With all due respect for the sanctity of marriage and the principles espoused by the MB philosophy, it is my personal opinion that you are in need of one hot-out-of-the-oven divorce. You have no children, your wife has one with OM and according to you she has psychological problems. You will……in time be extremely content with this decision and the opportunities it provides you.

I will be single in another month it seems. Bring it on.

Hi TTSi,

Thanks for the update..it sounds as if you are really busy...best wishes on the product launch...I can understand how that could keep you on pins and needles.....I have my fingers crossed.

The decision was made, the paperwork has been filed, the court date set...so why don't I feel better? I totally understand the "broken toy" in the corner feeling. Something tells me that feeling pretty much happens however it turns out--WS returns or BS files. The cut is so deep...it's bound to take quite a while to repair...I guess it is a process, a progression.... I would wake up some mornings and say..."hey, I am awake and not crying." And then I would wake up..."hey, I am awake and I did not think about OW or A today." Maybe someday, I will wake up and say..."hey I am awake and I am happy today." I pray for time to pass and the ugly memory to get smaller in the distance.

I went to a class this weekend on meditation...we were suppose to pick a word for a mantra....the word I selected was "release." I just wanted to let go of the pain and memories that were inside me. How I felt about myself and FWS.

You will be happy again....you have so much capacity to care and you have learned so many important skills to "build a marriage." For now...you will have to get through this part...this phase to get to the other side.

Are you still working out? Did you spend time on the water this summer? Anyway...thanks for the update and keep us posted on how the proceedings and product launch go.

Good luck and God bless you, TTSi... ss <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey TTSi,

Just checking with you...how did the product launch go? Hope it wently smoothly and it is time to [color:"red"]celebrate [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

TTSi -

Just wanted to let you know I am still here (though not as much anymore)...when are we doing the TX MB gathering?



TM

Just got back in town LATE tonite...
a bit over 12 hours drive... whew!
(had to drive as we had much stuff to take with us.)

Yes, the product launch was pretty much a success.
Supposedly will have some orders Monday, we'll see. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll get back in here after sleep and post a bit better and more detail.

TM, yes we still need to have the get together. I don't know when the "official" one is supposed to be, but we definitely have to meet sometime. Beer + food or something like that.

oh man I need bedtime now.

Uhh, it's been awhile since I posted. Work is still many hours each day and I don't get much time to get things updated as much as I'd like here.

Tomorrow is the big day. I'll be in court tomorrow afternoon to finalize everything. It should be pretty quick, as it doesn't look like she'll be there or have any representation there at all.

I don't know what else to say right now.
Someone earlier today who knew what tomorrow was, asked how I was feeling. The only thing I could say was that I felt like a failure. Even though I know I tried. It still feels that way.

Feel it, but don't own it. She failed you, her marriage and her dignity. She put no effort into repairing the damage, but simply whimpered when her own decisions made her uncomfortable and pushed you away..

Our choices and our decisions define us. Be proud of what you did and attempted to do. She is ill, you know that. Figure out what attracted you to that woman......and avoid those things in all future prospective companions!

HI, TTSi. Stop it! No failure imho. YOu tried. BUt we all learn that terrible lesson that it takes two to tango. RIght? My D will hopefully be completed by year end. If I am lucky.

Burnt out. ANd realize that I am worth way more than the crumbs I got from the DOrk.

TTsi,

{{{{{{{{{{{TTsi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am sending my support.

Today is the day...day of closure. You tried so diligently...that effort is a statement about you. You learned, you changed, you grew...you took responsibility for your part of the equation....you can have a clear conscience and look back knowing you did everything you could. You are defined by the your effort and your intent....

Although today will be a sad day, it is also a day of freedom and new beginnings, knowing you fought the good fight and going forward with the new found wisdom and stronger sense of self.

God bless, TTsi....may peace be with you on this day..

TTSi -

You did not fail. You earned your way out of your marriage.

You and I both can hold our heads high when speaking of this experience in our lives...we should never think any less of ourselves due to our WW's poor life choices.

So how did everything go???

I will be coming through San Marcos & New Braunfels next week. Email me if you want to grab a beer...


TM

TTSI, thinking of you and hoping yo are well.


slh

TTSI, My divorce was final one week ago tomorrow and as soon as the judge said rendered, I felt a sense of relief come over me...Finally it was over! finally I knew where I was going, and what I was doing!

I hope that things went well for you today...You did not fail...look at this as a learning experience! I think you know in your heart you did not fail, but it is hard to sync our hearts and soul at times!

Thank you all for your thoughts and words. I appreciate it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Today was rough, that's an understatement to be sure.
As expected, she did not show up. The whole thing took maybe 90 seconds. And everything happened right up at the bench with the Judge. Heck, the longest part was me being sweared in by the Judge.

They didn't ask any real questions, which I guess surprised me a bit. Just the basics, my name, who I was married to etc. I guess XW wrote a letter to the court asking for her maiden name back, but that was all. My lawyer asked me if my marriage was irreparably harmed, I said yes, and the judge granted a summary divorce. That was it. The final decree will be drawn up now, I sign it and finished. (Although as I type, I am legally divorced now. I guess the decree is just a formality)

Walking away from it all, was just a surreal experience, best that I can decribe. I can't say it brings any feelings of relief or closure.
I do know that walking away from it all, I started to get angry. I still am. Of course about all the things that have happened, but also because there is no real feeling of justice. And to me, that's what going into a courtroom is supposed to be about. It's like, they just get away with it all, and I don't mean just XW, I mean OM as well.

I felt like I went through a drive through. "oh, you want a divorce? OK. Want fries with that? Can I super-size you?"

How the legal system just brushes marriages off makes me sick.

I don't know what I expect from it. Should OM go to jail for his role in this? yeah of course. should XW? probably.
Frankly, I'm surprised more OM aren't brutally killed by the betrayed spouse. Since they always get away scot-free.

Anyway, enough of that rant...

Binder,
I hear what you are saying. Luckily, I think I've identified what traits are warning flags for these type of people. What does scare me is, at the time we were dating/married, those traits weren't there. It wasn't until later that I started seeing them. Hopefully, if there is ever another time, I'll be wise enough to see what's really there.

FAA,
It's a hard lesson. Made an even harder lesson to swallow when I realized it was my failure in judgement, when I thought I had picked someone that I thought would never do this.

SS,
It's hard to shake the feeling that maybe I could have done something different, or something else altogether that may have saved this. Not that I necessarily have regrets, just disappointments, that I hope do not turn into regrets.


TM,
Sounds good to me. I do have some business people coming in on Tues and Thurs. Not sure if I have to go to dinner with them either of those nights. But I'd like to get to meet finally. I need your email though.

SLH,
Doing as best as I can. Thank you for your continued support. Every little bit does help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MT3B,
I don't know why I feel like I failed. I know I tried more than probably 99% of the people out there. I guess I feel that way because I did what 99% of the other people out there wouldn't do, and it didn't even matter to XW.

TTSi-

You can email me at geckogoon@yahoo.com ...

I am with you on the "justice" issue. It looks like my STBXWW is going to come out waaaaayyyyy ahead when it's all said and done. She may end up getting the house, BOTH her cars, the investment property, and the DPM degree.

What do I get? If I am lucky, enough to put me at 0. If I am really lucky, I might walk away with twenty or so thousand dollars. Sure seems like cheap labor - a little more than two thousand per year.

Justice? Yeah, right.



TM

Finally got around to emailing you!

I could rant a bit more about justice... But I'll spare everyone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just makes me angrier thinking about it anyway!

TTSi,

How ya doing? Any updates?

Just want to wish you a happy holiday. Hope you have peace and joy in your life with a fresh new start right around the corner. Blessings of the season to you, TTSi.

ss........