I just realized how silly I must sound. Here I am, a WS, where honestly - my H has every right to try to be happy - albeit not with me, and here I am getting all emotional.

DS,

It's NOT what you deserve!!!!! Stop that! You are a good person - don't bash yourself for not being perfect in the past...no one is. A good person will work hard to grow and become a better person, which is what you are doing.

Don't give up yet. I know it's hard, but hang in there and wait and see what happens. Continue to do the things you are doing and try to show him that you will remain steadfast in your committment to him.

Maybe he's testing you? I don't know him well enough to know. Whatever it is he's doing - he is doing out of pain. I know you are hurting, for that I'm so sorry. Remember that it is probably his pain talking...just hang in there and see what happens.

You don't sound silly at all! You sound concerned - perfectly reasonable response.

OK...I guess I am just the board disagree here..but it is NOT because you are not meeting his needs...it is BECAUSE HE IS HURT AND WANTS REVENGE..plan and simple!!!

I guess I could be wrong...but I know my H has been meeting all of my needs, and often times I feel the same way...I have said the same things to him...he does not have any right to stop me..and I need to do what he did in order to forgive. Yes, I know that this is not a MB principle..but heck it is the reality of what a BS often feels. We are sooo hurt that we completely justify the revenge...it hurts you I know...but in our minds...you(the WS, not you personally) deserve whatever you get.

I have even complained to him about whiney WS that I have heard on here( and I am not referring to you..I think you truly regret your A). I tell him a WS does not have any reason TO whine....Of course that is all in my really bad moods.

Again, I do not mean to be confrontational...I just know what your H is thinking...and I think sometimes we are afraid to post on a marriage building thread that we feel like we don't care much about our marriages at times.

Take care,

True

DS,

I am very sorry you are dealing with this. It is destructive. You know it. I know it. We are both FWS's.

My advice to you is this. make sure you are right. Make sure you can wake up in the morning and know that you did things right yesterday. Then you can show him what right looks like.

I totally do not agree with the "he's entitled" line. I, nor you were not entitled to have our A. Neither is he. An EA is destructive too.

I guess I am writing this because I really feel for you and your situation. I pray that things get better for you. I know he is hurt. I am sorry for his hurt.

Getting hurt does not give one the right to hurt someone back. Frozen and I will pray for you tonight. Try to stay under control. Make sure you use sound judgment no matter what you face. Easy to say, hard to do I know.... but please try.

I am okay - I just need to go back to what many of you ahve told me today. Be patient, don't push, let him run his course. Meet his needs as much as he will let me without pushing him away.

I had a bit of an arguement with him just now, I told him he is having an EA whether he thinks he is or not. he said he isn't fantasizing about weekends like her like I did in my EA part of the affair. I said, no you aren't, but you have revealed you are attracted to eachother and she is meeting your needs.

HE said yes she is, and my needs haven't been met in a long time and I said - neither had mine, he said - you went and got yours met, I said - and i was wrong, I should have let you meet them

He said, well G (male friend) meets my needs, and H (male friend) meets my needs, so does she.

I said it's different - you don't hide them, you aren't attracted to them

I said I am sorry - I have no right to be angry - but I am very hurt right now. Let me get a grasp on this.

And he left the room. He doesn't see it - he is in a fog now.

DS,

Obviously Sprint and I are not the same person, but I do relate to him as a BS.

You are five months into R? How has he been up to this point? Is his behavior lately something new?

I have also done some pretty destructive things. I had lunch with an old flame one day. Of course, I did tell Patriot before the fact...but still destructive and dangerous. I also told him things like "I want to Recover with you and then wait until five or so years down the road, when you are REALLY happy and then I will have an affair - so YOU can see what this feels like". Those are just the nicer things I said. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sprint is obviously in pain - and pretty angry. Could this be the much-famed "anger stage" they say usually hits about 6-months in R?

Patriot is right...you just keep continuing to do the right things. If Sprint chooses this, you are no more responsible for it than he was for your A. I really hope he chooses not to be so destructive.

Try not to argue with him...he does sound kind of foggy. Just remain steadfast in your committment to him and to your marriage.

We're here for you if you need to vent, cry, or anything else.

I sure wish someone with some more experience would respond to you. I feel a little ill-equipped to advise you.

Why do I have to be so emotional. It pushes him so far away when I start to cry like I do. How do I hold it in until he is not around?

This is all my fault. God I wish I could talk all of this back - I wish I had worked on my marriage when I had a chance - when i was depressed, gotten help, instead I wrecked it so badly.

I did some LB'ing tonight and I shouldn't have - he wasn't even phased. I should have stopped.

I went on about her, I said, when he does want to work on this with me, he wont be able to work with her. He said - how is that fair to her? When it's his attraction. It's not the first girl he thought was young, pretty and fun. I said yes - but it's the first one you have hid from me. I said that is lying. He said - no what you did is lying, this is not telling you this to avoid this.

I said - if you have to hide it - it's lying. And if you knew I would react because it's HER, then you should have known better.

Anyways - he is going out with a friend now - one who in the beginning just after Dday told him to leave me, asked him if I was what he wanted. He wasn't going to hang out with him anymore as he didn't want anti-marriage people - we agreed neither of us would surround ourselves with that. But it doesn't matter to him anymore.

I told him I didn't want to talk about it now and I would give his space, and he said - oh so you don't want to talk when it suits your needs.??? I just asked him to give me one night to deal with this.

I am going to have a hot bath, calm down and then tomorrow start my WS version of Plan A, as best I can without making him feel smothered. Going to follow alot of the ideas posted on this thread, and try to win my husband back.

I don't think you BS's ever understand the weight of regret and remorse us TRUELY remorseful spouses feel, and this just adds to is - no this isn't a mememem whine - I know it is nothing compared to what you guys go through, but you can be angry at the WS, all we have is to be angry and put ourselves down. I want to be angry with him, but I can't be - this is ALL my fault.

I just want my husband and my marriage back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I am so sorry I f***d it up like this, so sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This started 4 weeks ago - we had 4 months of progress - good days and bad days, lots of conversation, lots of loving moments. I thought we were slowly headed to something good.

deeplysorry,

I know you said that you don't have an available car to go out but is it possible that your fellow belly dancing girlfriend has one and the two of you can go out together a few times a week? I ask because, it might do you good if you get out of the house and have some wholesome fun together that can recharge your emotional batteries and help you endure the ordeal of your WH's EA. If your WH gets curious and asks you where you've been, you can answer him 'having the time of my life'. Who knows, it just might even be a splash of cold water over your WH's foggy head that may wake him up before he loses you.

TMCM

P.S. Here are two more links that you may be interested in reading and which might help you 'deal with the ordeal':

7 Tactics To Use During an Affair.[Use extreme caution and boundary awareness with regards to point 6]
12 Tactics To Avoid During An Affair.[Use extreme caution and boundary awareness with regards to point 7]

Vicious, self-entitled moron. And he calls himself a Christian ? And he weill KNOWINGLY commit a MORTAL SIN that will devastate you because he feels 'its his turn' ?

He should divorce you or work on recovery but such cake-eating is staggering from a FBS. EVERY BS considers a revenge affair, but very very few do it.

How can he deliberately poison you and his own soul wih such action ? * shakes head *

You are already 'plan A' ing him DS. Try exposing to this OWs family and his workplace.

Deeplysorry,

We are not defined by infidelity, but by our humanity after we experience it.

TMCM

(((((((DS)))))))

Is it possible that your Mum could come and visit you?
I think its really important that you look after yourself and take in TMCM's words. The pain of his behaviour on top of the pain of guilt and shame can be really, really tough. Please look after yourself.

You can become a better person and define how you are going to live your own life, regardless of what he does.

Just after the period, 6 or 7 months ago, that I talked about in my post, my H told me a dream he had in which he was guiding a small child by the hand through some bushes, following light from a lighthouse. When he told me it struck such a chord because I was trying hard to be the 'lighthouse' for him. He was in a fog of pain and anger. I had to learn how to be the 'adult' if our M was going to make it. It wasn't easy, since a FWS almost by definition has a weakness about acting an 'adult' way, with restraint, high integrity, strong boundaries, self-discipline and self-love.

Its very important to not LB and say anything that could be considered controlling or hypocritical. Weigh up every word, and literally bite your tongue if you have to, to not LB. Calm, calm... I know you can do it, DS.

DS,

Just checking to see how you are doing this morning. I was thinking about you all night, and hoping you were okay.

Froz

Ok guys

I was an amazing night.

Sprint read this thread at about last night and at 12:30 called me. And we talked for 2 hours until he came home

First he was COMPLETELY honest with me about the girl. She had not acknowledged any feelings, but he had. He told me that he enjoyed spedning time with her and was developing a bond. He then knew that this may be a dangerous road, and so he made the choice to tell her two days ago that he is sure she senses it too, but that his marriage is what he wants to work on, and so before he can ever look at anything else, for everyone sake, he needs to work on his marriage. He told me that he cares for her (not lovingly yet - friendship) and that he wouldn't take the baggage of our marriage or an affair into a relationship with her.

I was so hurt, - they will still be working together, but he said - "DS, I am an analytical person I have worked this out and analyzed it, and this is why I can't understand the choice you made. I am so depressed that I can't remember what I ate for lunch, lost 40 lbs, can't remember events in my life, and based off that I should be a prime candidate for a weakness in a an affair, but I can't do it - I can't hurt people I care about - including her(B). So the fact that you were depressed just makes me scream Bulls**t. I am a moral person, and I can't control who I am attracted to, but I can control my moral ethics and core"

I said to him - its not my depression that caused the affair, I never EVER used it as an excuse, but after my last surgery, I felt so small, so low as a human being, bottom of the totem pole, I felt I was nothing - with feeling that low, I also lost my morals as I didn't feel I was worth much. I resented you for not being able to support me through my last surgery, and started to use that resentment to build up negative feelings and hate, and anger, until when I met someone, it became a breath of fresh air.

He said - i understand that - I can relate to how you must have been feeling, but i don't understand how you could have ever crossed the line.

I said - I justified it in my head.

He said - and this is why you never have to worry about B, I do not feel justified doing this.

There was ALOT more to the story - 2 hours of talking about her, us, me - I have been smothering him, meeting his needs so much, that he just needs time to heal - he made it like a analogy - when you are stressed at work, you may not even like work, you take a vacation. During that vacation, you recooperate and don't think about work, and when you come back you are refreshed, and welcome work again. He said he needs that recooperation, but not away from me, just that space to heal.

I did tell him later, that I trust him now that he has been honest with me, but that I will never be comfortable with her there. He asked me to be civil and nice, as it's a reality and she is innocent - she is very young, and was just there for him, that it is just HIS feelings and he has chosen to be upfront and honest. He told me that based on what he gathers, an EA can only stem from secrecy, and he will from this point on be honest, but if I smother him, he will have a hard time being that way.


He still doesn't completely understand my discomfort with the girl as she has had nothing to do with all this, and i said - it's not with her - it's with you - but I have to trust you. She knows about me and my A and his marriage problems, and I said that hurts, that you talk to another girl and not me and enjoy her company and not mine. He said he can understand that. He said though that since she is his direct employee and will be working on pretty much everything together though, that he will need to see her when he is working, and that may be on weekends and evenings. But that he has made the choice not to act on feelings, and so won't as he is a moral analytical person, and it wouldn't get him where he wants to be. I told him I still feel he shouldn't have brought her in to begin with, but once again I trust him and I will be civil, but I wont ever be able to be buddies with her like other people in his office.

He got hom at about 3 and went right downstairs, I cried and then decided to read. He came up at about 3:30 and climbed into bed and put his arm around me and immediately grabbed my breast. I got upset and told him I wasn't in the mood. He felt rejected, as this is a familiar old pattern, and thanked me for helping him make his decision. I told him I just wanted to "feel" loved before I make love, and he told me funny how I let everyone else in (OUCH) I told him that was uncalled for and out of place. He left the room

I started in hysterias I was so upset - I f**cked up again I was thinking. He came back in and he said he just can't take feeling rejected. He said he wasn't initiating sex yet, he was just cuddling. I explained, do you remember when I always let you touch me and never thought it was going to be sex? It's because you touched me and held me all the time, but lately when you touch me, it's for sex and as much as I do want to have sex with you, I want to feel loved too. I told him that even 10 minutes of a cuddle non-sexually before would work like magical foreplay for me. I told him that I trust that he loves me, and that actions speak louder than words and based on his actions for the past bit, I was feeling pretty unloved. He explained that it's so hard to feel attracted to me again, that when he does, he just wants to take advantage of the swell of love and desire he has.

We made a deal that since these times are rare and we can't waste them, that he will try a cuddle first and give me love like I need, and I won't put him off by telling him I am not in the mood, I will explain it more.

Then we made love. And we talked some more and he told me this is where he wants to be. I asked him to guide me through as I don't know when I am pushing to hard or not enough, and he said he would as much as he could, and then we fell asleep.

This morning he rolled over and put his arm around me and I smiled and said good morning. After he got out of bed, while he was getting dressed, he came over and kissed me on the cheek, and I looked at him and said Thank you for that, and thank you for last night, adn he thanked me for it too.

I told him he needed his space again, I would respect that still, and we can go at his pace.

It was a hard night and a good one I hope.

I am still not comfortable with the girl being there - but I need to trust him, and I will.

I just had to phone him at work, as his surgery for his hernia was just booked for June, but he said I will talk to you about after work, so i think he was upset I phoned him - i had planned on not phoning, again like yesterday, but I thought he would want to know - hope that was okay.

he couldn't understand why I was checking up on him - he really just wanted to avoid confrontation at all costs.

But after reading this thread he figured he had to be honest with me.

I told him if he had been honest from the beginning, and not made so many things for me to assume, and things that didn't add up I wouldn't have had to. Now things fit.

He told me and you checked up on me to find out there is nothing. I said - you see it is nothing, I see it as something. But I trust you and as long as you keep being honest with me, I will trust you - I wont need to check up on you - I trust you that you can have a working friendship, but if you start hiding it again - then it can't be.

I am still SO not comfortable with her being there - but I do understand that it's his feelings and not hers, and I do believe that he is VERY morally sound.

I need to let it go. I am so tired this morning lol.

DS, is there anyway Sprint would post here again? I am glad you had this talk but I am concerned about this girl too.

{{DS}}

No I don't think he would post here.

He told me that people have choices. everyone can feel attraction or a bond, it's a normal thing, but that to act on them is different. But you can't hide from the world and run from every attraction. It's how you handle it. She is innocent in this he says - and I explained to him how a woman's mind works - he says she agrees there is an attraction, but woulnd't want to interfere. But he says that's based on what he told her about the attraction. He told her that he wouldn't want to hurt her or I, and not trying on his marriage, or ending the marriage before it was resolved would only lead to pain for HER.

He said he knows it sounds like he is protecting her, but he isn't - he is being fair - she doesn't deserve to have a chance of a GREAT career ruined becuase of his problems. He said he is a MORAL analytical person, and so would NEVER act on these feelings, not while he was with me. He said that I am plan A, and he can't have plan B unless plan A is resolved, and since PLan A is what he wants, he wont' ever look at plan B, but he wont have a bit of both Plan A or Plan B. He told her that he just couldn't do that, and so they couldn't hang out outside of work anymore.

I said to him, okay - let me tell you how a YOUNG girl's mind works - I told him it's VERY different than a man's train of thought.

If I was this girl, I would be thinking - Wow - my ex teacher has this GREAT job lined up for me that's going to make my career - awesome. Wow - he's good looking too and I really enjoy hanging out with him, and I can feel the chemistry. I know that he is married, but he is having problems, I will be there for him, not because I want to be with him, but because I enjoy his company and am his friend, and want to be there for him. Wow - he admitted he was attracted to me, and I admitted it to, but he said his marriage was his first choice, and he could never look at a relationship unless that was done. Hmmm, they are on the rocks. I don't want to ruin this great job, so I will be okay with it, but I love spending time with him. Maybe his marriage will fail.

And then I say you guys will work more, an spend more time talking - as you still are friends while you work, and she may even get her hopes up because you TOLD her about this attraction, and you TOLD her about all our maritial problems.

I told him I don't feel like he is protecting her, but I feel as if he is defending her and taking her side over mine. With the amount he works - he will see her more than he sees me.

I just needed to get all this out this morning, as I am SOO uncomfortable with the whole situation, but I do TRUST him competely and so I need to just let it go.

-ds

Aphelion - this helped me out more this morning than you can possibly know - I trust Sprint, and I believe he's like you. But It's so easy to doubt, to think that he COULD be just like me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Thank you - this helps me let go of my worries about the girl.

Great update! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Now THAT is what true intimacy [the sharing of ones deepest thoughts and feelings] is all about. Keep up the good job deeplysorry.

TMCM

I just had a shower and came out refreshed.

If all of you have made it through this thread - then hats off to you - it's been a nast few days.

I know this girl isnt a threat, but I also know that H and I were BEST friends for 6 months before we started dating, and in the 1 year we were engaged/dated, and 6 years we have been married, he has never had a "friendship" with a woman. We have couple friends, but not someone he enjoys time with.

And so as much as he says, she is not in my territory, that I am his wife (and he even said to me I was right that, i am his wife, and I have the right to have his attention) I still feel oddly competitive with her? Is this natural?

I blow dried my hair, shaved my bikini line, put on some self tanner and added a little makeup. I want to win back my husband - I want him to have only eyes for me. My eyes wandered, and led my heart and body astray - it was a horrible choice and I hurt him and me and my family so badly, but I am so in love with him and only have eyes for him now.

So I want to be that friend that she is - he says they have a bond as they just "understand" eachother as she is coming out of a bad breakup.

But she doesn't have 8 years of history, she wasn't his best frined a long time ago - she doesn't TRUELY understand him - she just understands his pain. I KNOW him inside and out - I TRULY understand him fully and completely and that's what makes this so hard, as I KNOW what I have done to him. And I accept him, all his faults and all, and his faults can really rub some people the wrong way.

So I am going to keep getting in shape, fix myself up each day - feel good about myself and be the FRIEND that she is to him, so that he wants to hang out with me, and he feels a bond with me again.

Why do I feel like I am competing? I know I am not - but it really feels that way??

I am so happy I had last night with him, I know that today or tomorrow might not bring the same intimicy, but that's okay - last nights brutal honesty and love was so reassuring and rejuvinating. What an odd combo of feelings

It's odd as I have NEVER been a jelous person - never. And right now I am being one - I will have to do some deep prayers to over come that one - jelousy can be destructive. But like H said last night, he was calling me to talk, and not her - he realized after reading this thread, he needed to be talking to me.

Anyhow - thanks everyone SO much for hearing me ramble on and on and for you support - it is SOOOO appreciated and I am SOOO grateful.

-ds