Trix, Confused, and bb.....

I understand what you are saying......I can't and shouldn't just let it lie.....I should ask.

I think I know him well enough (his WH self) to know if he is lying to me. He gets very defensive and angry....says things like "This is never going to go away, is it? You're going to throw this up in my face for the rest of my life, aren't you?'

Truthfully thinking, I've never thrown anything in his face....he just feels that way.

I know I'm kind of between a rock and a hard place with this, but I need to remember that it is MY life, and I know I cannot live with WH making independent decisions that affect my life adversely.

I also know that my boundaries are no lies, no secrets, and a real deal breaker is breaking NC. Even the MC mentioned deal breakers in our last session.

I have noticed that when WS want recovery, they all do the same things (open book, call all the time, answer any and all questions, etc) whether they are MBers or know nothing about MB. Just the same way they all say the same kinds of things while they are in an A.

I'm so thankful you all respond to my threads....I would be out on a limb without you. I get to thinking "maybe I'm wrong in thinking this way, or that way", and then you all come along and give me the answer I need to help me see that I am worth it, that I do deserve to be treated right.

Thanks for keeping me from being a pile of mush. I think I'm far TOO easy going about some things, and require a push to stand for myself.

You've heard it before from others.....my deepest gratitude to all of you.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

K,

what plans have you made in case your husband still does contact with OW???

I remember in January this year, I was getting rid of all my MBers letters and I read something old. I had questioned my husband about this (renewed contact with Ow) and he denied it till that day.

I sat down with him (after a very pleasent day) and I started to talk with him. I told him that I was getting rid of some "old" letters concerning Mb and that "one" question was still haunting me and I asked him if he would have a problem to talk to me about it.

He replyed: No! (remember.........one word answer) and he leaned back into his chair and he crossed his arms.

He was smiling and "trying" to act easy-going but he avoided eye-contact.

He then went on and told me to ask whatever.

I talked to him and I explained that I love my life now with him and that I'm happy with him. I want our relationship to grow and I want him to know that he can talk to me about everything. I told him that I respect him and that I really love him for who he is now. Honest & loyal and that I want to know him and his thoughts...........and that I love him even though I am aware that he makes mistakes.

Anyways, this conversation was very deep and loving. I think it really "touched his heart".

I then asked him the question: Dear husband, was there really NO CONTACT ever again???? I have always had the strange feeling that something is not right. I only wish for the truth, nothing less. I can handle the truth much better than lies.....because the lies kill a little more each time they happen. I want to be your frined and you buddy and I want you to know that I love you for who you are.

My husband turned all the colours of the rainbow.

His response, looking to the floor: No!

I looked at him and I told him flat out: You are lying to me!

His response: No! No contact ever!

I then got mad............ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I told him: I have opened my heart to you. I have told you my deepest feelings! I have given you all that I can and I know you are lying. I thought that we were bonded together again. I believed that you were the man that I can look up to. I believed that you were honest and loyal and that OW would never again be a reason for you to lie.

I was laying on the bed and my husband was sitting on a chair.

I rolled over and curled up like a cat and couldn't say another word.

He then started to caugh............and then he opened up.

He told me that OW had tryed to contact him by driving past his workplace. This happened two other times and they only spoke very briefly.

This somehow didn't count for me anymore. He had lied 3 times to me until he opened up. I was hurt to the core.

I thanked him for telling me the truth but I told him that I now know that he would not tell me the truth until I pressure him.. I told him that I couldn't take that anymore.

I got onto the phone a few hours later and I started to organize my flight back to Canada. I phoned all of my insurance companies and did all the paper work.

I got friends to look around for jobs and an appartment.

I was more than determined and I was absolutley SERIOUS!!!!

My husband was SHOCKED!!!!!! He knew that he blew it!!!!

This went on for approx. 2-3 weeks. I slept in the guest room and I went my way. I was not mad and I acted completely pleasent and loving but I had made up my mind!!

After this, there really were changes. He'd phone me up and tell me where he was and what he was doing. He phoned a couple times a day. He'd come home inbetween just to drink a coffee. He was gluing to me.

I told him that he didn't need to tell me all of this.

He replyed that he was so deeply sorry for the damamge that he caused and that he NOW realizes what this is all about. He didn't want to tell me about those incidents because he was afriad of my reaction but he know understands that keeping this to himself has caused more damage than anything.

He asked me if I would try it out with him again but this time he'd stick to his words.

Well...................as you see, we're still together and we are happier than ever.

My husband told me that it was my determined reaction. Due to the fact that I "Put my thumb down" and told him that it was enough...............this shocked him.
Seeing me take all the steps to leave him...........hearing me on the phone, making plans...........seeing all the paperwork that I had done in order to go back to Canada........

He then came to his sences!!!! I had never before set my boundary so loud and clearly. He had never before seen this reaction from me..........and he knew I was going to do it.

So K....................what are your plans if things don't change?????

bb
Sorry that this was so long.............it helps me too, to get it out of my system.



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hi bb.....

To tell the truth, I don't know what my plans are.

This morning WH said he would call the MC and make an appointment. This is good. My plans for that are to take what I know, and what I think and feel, and lay it out before WH at the appointment.

Thinking about all of this, I think the thing I couldn't put my finger on was the total backing off of WH in his effort.

We have no serious talks about anything except WH's work. He has lots going on there with possible cut backs, and the very great possibility that he will have to move back to the main office. I don't like that one bit.

He has also backed off a great deal in his affection with me. This is a big red flag.....when he had contact with OW before, his affection for me went down to zero.

Oh, yes, we still have SF. Not as often as at first.

WH doesn't know my thoughts and feelings, and I don't know his. He is not an open book to me. I feel like it's more of a "ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies" kind of situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

And I'm thinking that if I can have the conversation with WH that I want to have with him, in front of the MC, then perhaps he can help us be more productive in our talk. Also, things would not be likely to escalate.

But, my mind is made up. I will talk to WH about this, and tell him my feelings. I can tell when he is lying.

If things don't go satisfactorily, then Plan B. WH can move out again. He will have to get an apartment. Because it will be a long haul for him.

He makes double the money that I do. If I made more, I would move out myself. But I cannot afford to do that.

I'm sorry to hear about the bad "patch" in your M, bb. But it sounds as though your determination has brought you through.

I pray for determination.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi K
you go ahead and be pissy all you want...who would blame you!!!I to had a bad mothers day...
last year I found a email my H wrote to his "ONLINE LOVE" asking her for her address to SEND HER something... I got a sorry a** card and a almost dead plant he brought from a grocery store (last minute).

my memories of the day... always...
the card has been torn up and the plant i let die long ago....

so we are all with you!!!

Hi hurtin_

Yeah, I'm with you....

In the past WH always got me a card and a gift.

Last year, no card, and the gift that keeps on giving....herpes. Thanks WH, I never had that before!

I think Mother's Day will never be the same for me again.

K

Talked to the MC today to get an appointment for next week.

He asked how things were going since WH came home from his week away.

I simply said.."Kind of a 'don't ask...don't tell" policy".

He said "Well, that won't do. We have to get you thru all of this".

I agree. WH called a couple of times today. This always makes me feel a little better. But then he started talking about (should say complaining) about this and that. Then he said "I need to get something that will make me happy in my friggin' life".

I was silent. Said not a word. He's always told me I was a downer. I don't see it that way. I am a kind of "brighten the corner where you are" kind of person.

I thought - I'm not going to live the rest of my life with complaints, and worrying about someone else's "friggin' life", when that someone doesn't give a "frig" about my life.

Besides, WH tried to get something in his life that made him happy for over 3 years, and now, just look! He's still a miserable mess.

I decided it's not my job to make his life happy. Happiness is a decision. I've decided to be happy.....one way or another. With or without WH.

I'm tired of him dragging me down with his complaints and his depression. Seems he's only happy when he's the center of attention.

Other than that, the only way I can see he will be happy is to ask God for forgiveness, and then live the life he knows he should.

Forgive my venting......but this is something I have just figured out. I feel release.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />