It has been one year since my WW moved out of the house. My time frame for a plan B has been reached. In spite of our 2 children and residences less than 200 meters apart I could condense all conversation I've had with her in my 10 month plan B to less than 5 minutes. Probably less than 3. I would simply file on her, but my minister thought that lacked compassion. I decided to give her a card first.

So….how does one pick the card that tells ones wife that she is about to be served divorce papers? It really can’t be a surprise to her…this has been going on for over a year and a half now. I keep expecting to get served myself, but it never happens. She keeps going to OM’s city on the weekends to demean herself and continues to snuff the life out of his marriage, but no papers.

So I left work today to look for the card:

“Excuse me miss…where are your ‘I’m about to divorce your [censored] cards?’”

“Oh….these ones? No those are the “I’m sorry the girl you solicited was an undercover cop" cards.

“No those are the “sorry she wasn’t of age, next time check her ID.” cards and behind those are the congratulations on making parole” cards.

You sure you have some?

OK…it didn’t happen, but I felt a little ridiculous on this pathetic mission. I just got a blank card….actually two. One is just a close up of the hands in Michelangelo’s the touch . The other simply was a black and white photo of the hands of a couple clasped. Her in white, him in black; likely taken during a wedding ceremony of the bride and groom. It looks like an obvious choice for a wedding card rather than a divorce card. I don’t know why I picked two cards which seem to present an image of cohesion or at least an attempt to connect. I guess partially because they didn’t have any with photos of a decapitation. Not sure yet which none I'll use.

One of them will have my handwritten note informing her of my decision to divorce. I feel it is all that I have left to do now and I hope it hurts. Not her so much, but me. Divorce should not be easy and I will not deny myself the pain. I have gotten waaaay past looking to soothe myself. I feel somehow stronger…somewhat of an “Is that all you got?” attitude. I have suffered…but I’ve emerged. I’m stronger, wiser, a better father and a better man. I will not wallow in my situation, I will bath myself in it and come away ready to start my new journey.

Is there a down side…of course! My children deserved an intact family. I could have shown my love for my children best, by loving their mother better. I failed as a husband in many ways. The pain I feel is now for them, to try to mitigate that feels like I would be denying their importance to me. I want to hurt for my errors to complete my education in this regard.

So…now 10 months after I dropped of the PBL and went to the cabin, I’ll be dropping off the card informing her of my plans to divorce and continuing on to my cabin. Monday I’ll contact my lawyer and let her know. I have completed the obligatory parenting for separated/divorced couple course, I have a solid separation agreement that will survive the divorce and ensures I have my children 50% of the time including every weekend, and I have a little war chest with some savings in case she decides to fight some issues.

Away I go.

Binder, I'm so sorry. It's good you're trying so hard to be compassionate. That's important. Even when the person receiving it has no appreciation for it.

Do you feel like an outhouse, still, Binder?

GC

Aww, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> ((((Binder)))) Can I come over and kick some WS butt for you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She sounds like a Dorkette. It still hurts, no matter what. And I know what you mean about the kids. But, you can only do what you can do. And remember not to repeat the same mistake too many times, man.

You shouldn't beat yourself up. YOu HAVE given your kids your best love. HAve you explored sole custody?

Ya know Gray....I think it's about time to update that signature.

FAA, I don't have a hope in getting sole custody. She wouldn't give it up and the onus would be on me to prove why I should get it. I think I can safely say that would be virtually insurmountable. I admit though, I'm hoping my children will make that choice on ther own one day. I can retire in a little over 7 years and take on a less demanding job to supplement my pension. I can devote even more time to them.

Binder - I think the time has come for you. I don't believe your wife will be happy with her choice. But it was her choice. Don't blame yourself.

It would be better for your kids to have an intact family, but sadly that is not in your control either.

You have remained a good man. Give yourself some credit.

I was gonna say you're cute, too. But I know that is not the MB answer.

Binder,

10 months is a long time, man. You should not feel bad. I gave mine only 3 after affair #2.

Can't say you didn't do your best.

Know what? The kids will know that too. Sorry about the custody thing. Scares the heck out of me in my sitch too.

NCWalker

Thanks believer, this forum has been a Godsend. You have been here all along and I appreciate your attention.



Thanks for not breaching the informal MB protocol. Let's hope I can convince some of the locals of that too. I'm rather looking forward to dating.

Binder,

I don't post over here much and don't even know if you remember who I am anymore. You've been at this for a long time and have done a much better Plan B than I ever did (mine lasted about 3 days, twice).

Divorce is not an easy thing, and I'm convinced, having been the one who filed, that it's tougher to have to file than to be filed on. I still feel like it was sort of my fault that my XH and I aren't together any more.

But I survived it. And you know what? I found myself sitting in our conference room at my place of employment tonight with about 8 other department heads, many of whom are single. All of us were sampling various wines for tomorrow's big grand opening 'wing ding'. We at cheese, we drank wine, we laughed...and I realized there was no pressure. No one was angry at me. No one was yelling at me. I wasn't worried about where my spouse was or feeling bad about not being home on time.

Life single isn't exactly a whirlwind of excitement for me. I'm coming up on my 6-month mark of being DV, I haven't been on one date, and frankly the whole dating idea scares the *#$& out of me.

Yep, I'm lonely. Will I ever find anyone? There's a fair chance I won't. But neither will I dry up and die.

I'm not happy that I had to be the one to file. But I think I'm more content with that choice than to have just waited for who knows how long (maybe a lifetime) for my XH to give up on the OW and move back home.

Sounds like you have a good plan. You're going to do fine. Just too bad you can't find a more appropriate card. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Binder -

I believe in saving marriages. I think you have done your best. I also think you will do just fine after your divorce. It won't take much convincing on your part.

Sometimes here, we give so much importance to marriage building that we don't concede that some marriages will not survive. I think that is a mistake. One person can only do so much.

This site needs to be a safe place to admit that it is over, and we are moving on.

LL

Of course I remember you. The X with the telephone camera showing nude shots of his mistress to the family?! How does one forget that story?

I have no doubt your dating or lack thereof is simply due to effort on your part. When you are ready to do so, you may decide to take some overt action to accomplish that. I have no doubt you will succeed with some effort if you choose to.

I like the fact it will be me who files. I made a decision based on my timetable. I am geting a sense of control over my life again. Maybe I feel this way because I showed my soft underbelly upon the initial revalation. Whatever the reason, I'm good with it.

Binder,

I found your remarks about the cards funny. My D went a little differently as I had put Plan B to rest with the rest of the work I did during the M and the separation. By the time I got to the D, I was done.

I still remember, though, going to the card shop around my 3 year anniversary, after 6 months of solid Plan B. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Hallmark doesn't make a "You wont stop sleeping with other people, but it's still our anniversary, so here ya go" card? Who knew? So I did the same as you, got a simple blank card. In it, I wrote a semi-poetic, semi haikuic type of thing that was (in summary) "It's been crazy for us for a while, but it won't be like this forever." As I reach around to pat myself on the back, I'll say it was one of the better things I've ever written. I give myself double bonus points! And that was it, really. No sad goodbye during the D, it was just....done. And that was that.

You have fought a brave fight, and extended your WW every courtesy imaginable, in a situation where many would have just walked away, (or worse.) You've done all you can do.

Enjoy the cabin this weekend.

Ethan

You're right, believer. I've made my thread a place to say that it's over, and that I'm moving on. And so far I have not been ostracized for it, though only a small subset of (only the most finest) MB people post there.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope nobody takes this the wrong way, coming from a man and all... but

Binder is a bright shiny sparkling light of a man.

GC

Thanks Ethan,

I think we may have a market for our card ideas. We could call our company: "Go to Hell-mark"

And "Hakuic" I love the way that rolls of the tongue. I'm gunna say that every chance I get.

Thanks for the support.

Hmmm...you guys do better with your cards than I did. On my 19th anniversary, the last one we spent "officially" together, we sort of stared at each other uncomfortably during the evening, got in an argument, didn't end up going out to eat, and there were no cards exchanged.

And it's weird, Binder. People on here do a better job still remembering the rather inappropriate cell phone photos my XH was showing off last August at my daughter's birthday than I do. I think I only have a limited number of brain cells left after severely mistreating them during my teens and early 20's, and I choose to push memories of that particular evening, along with a few others, to the less-functional areas. I don't think about them very often.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear you're comfortable with your decision. I think you've done things the right way. You waited. You gave it your all. And now you're done.

GC, that is one of the sweetest things I have ever seen here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Binder, don't know if I ever posted to you but wanted to say I am sorry for you having to get to this point and LOL at your card story. I am headed for D as well after my H's 3rd A. I filed but regret filing, so I hope to get to the point that I can be where you are and satifisfied with the decision. {{binder}}

FF,

Thank you for the sentiments, I too hope you will be at peace with your decisions as time goes by. Though I am strong right now, I have my moments.....

My son voices his hope on a regular basis that my WW and I get back together. I try to be a man he is and will be proud of, and I hate to see him disappointed in his parents.

Gray is very charitable with his praise. It's a darn good thing I'm so comfortable in my masculinity or I might feel threatened.

Time to write that card.

I absolutely love your idea for "Hell-mark" cards.

Find a product that is desperately needed and fill the marketplace.

Honestly, I really think you should go for it!

Goodness TTSi, I was being flippant. I can hardly find time to eat between raising kids and working and I've got no business sense to boot.

Well I'm back from the cabin and had time to digest my decision and new direction.....

I'm absolutely OK with this. I dropped off the card in my WW's mailbox on my way to p/u my son from school and head out. I know she's seen it as (OM is either here or predisposed) she's working in town this weekend.

As she now has "mercifully" been given notice I can start the legal process so I Emailed by lawyer with an attached scanned copy of my parenting course certificate. As all has already been split, this will be a "desktop" divorce; shuffle papers, rubber stamped by the courts, and the family is......broken.

I have done all I can to keep this from happening, may God watch over my children and bless their future.

NCwalker, reviewing this thread I saw your post, I missed it initially and I apologize for not acknowledging it. I may dig up your old thread regarding your decision not to tell your children of your WW's affair. I'm struggling with that. My son told me (no, I wasn't asking) that he heard his mom talking to a "boy" about a "date" over the phone. The issue obviously will not go away.

Just got an Email back from my lawyer. Barring any unforseen complications, 4 - 6 weeks after the papers go to my WW's lawyer and are signed....I will be divorced. 4 - 6 weeks.........wow.

Yes, yes, and yes. Sign most of us up for that as well. We all failed great or small and that's why most of us are here.

But we acknowledged our failures and attempted to do right for our kids and our spouses. A failure addressed is the best way to avoid another one. Pretty simple. A failure ignored - or cast upon someone else - is another one yet to occur.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, Binder.

You very likely have solved the problems you are capable of solving - your failures. The divorce will solve no problems, thus your soon to be ex-spouse still has hers to solve.

Your future is bright and I bet you will be happy. Make it so.

WAT