That's why I quoted that scripture. There's this guy......I think you want to be like him.

Same one that said "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

I am trying to think what he would do.

This journey takes time. It's not easy, but I hope you have joy along the way, not just pain.

It takes both.

One of these days, I just may come by and see you.
Summer though, it would have to be summer.

SS

He didn't say, "Father, I forgive them," did he?

Puzzle puzzle.

GC

He already had before he asked. He knew those that actually carried out the sentance were not to blame. It was those that ordered it.

Many will not be forgtiven, many should not be.

However, for us, it it often the best way to heal. We don't have all the facts that he has.

SS

I vote for you sending the letter back to her, with Gimble's translation attached!

I know it, SS. Was just dancing around with the idea a little, is all.

Binder, I don't know if the translation/rebuttal is worth your energy. Maybe. I'd be conflicted about it too.

GC

GC, In retrospect, I'm not sure if it was worth it; it is done though. I'm really not sure if any energy is worth it now.

Late night...going to bed.

Binder,

Remember some things with me.

Remember Peter. It was a long night.
First, he tries to protect Jesus. Jesus puts the ear back, and tells him this is not the way.

Next, he hides in the background as the Jewish leaders try to find some way to charge an innocent man with a capital crime. He (Peter) is identified, and pointed out, but he denies any association. Two more times this happens.

As dawn breaks, and at the appointed signal, he realizes what he has done. Humbled, and and in torment, ne seeks solitude to morn........and repent.

Remember, he was forgiven, and was put at the head of the church. This was the same man. The man who showed both great weakness, and great strength.

I see in you similar possibilities.
All of us make mistakes, but we have the seeds of success in our failures.

Gray needed to hear some things from SLH. I am thinking you needed to hear this story. I hope I am not off by too far.

SS

Thank you SS,

Your posts have become my "comfort food" here. I always reread them over a few days to get their full benefit.

Hi, Binder.

How are you doing?

Gimble

Thanks for asking Gimble.

I feel good about returning the STBX”S note with the Binderized blast (courtesy of you) attached. It clearly reflected where my head is at. I just want to be done now.

I’m getting out with the boys a bit much lately….but I’m giving myself some slack it criticizing myself for that. I know it’s a distraction, I also know it is not “who I am” and I will feel that shortly rather than simply “know it”. I’m allowing for some phases, within boundaries of course, as I make this last step out of my marriage.

I’m a little worked up as I just had a terse conversation with my FIL and MIL. The gist was from these devoutly religious people is that they feel if our marriage cannot be worked out and my WW wants to pursue marriage with OM, both should divorce first, repent and then marry. All is then forgiven. In essence she has “encouraged” my STBX to end the marriage to pursue the next by informing her it can be sanctified. She further believed STBX that the only reason we did not reconcile was due to my cold, stoic demeanor. She also gave STBX the ‘benefit of the doubt” that they are not having sex. I am well aware of how she has twisted reality and perspective.

As things became somewhat heated, I suggested we sit down with the pastor and reflect on what the scripture has to say about marriage, adultery and remarriage. She hung up. Looks like I will be divorcing the entire family. I’m not really surprised. All 4 of my sisters are divorced…I know how this shtick goes. All family drifts back to blood…I told them that last year which they vehemently protested at the time.

So I’ve got some righteous anger as we speak. Thanks again for the help in crafting my response to my STBX. I really, really, really wish I could save my children from that effluent.

Hi, Binder.

Quote:
========================
The gist was from these devoutly religious people is that they feel if our marriage cannot be worked out and my WW wants to pursue marriage with OM, both should divorce first, repent and then marry. All is then forgiven. In essence she has “encouraged” my STBX to end the marriage to pursue the next by informing her it can be sanctified. She further believed STBX that the only reason we did not reconcile was due to my cold, stoic demeanor. She also gave STBX the ‘benefit of the doubt” that they are not having sex. I am well aware of how she has twisted reality and perspective.
========================

I wonder how they logically work out the fact that your wife is making the choice not to work on the marriage. "Ah, Mom, I have tried to work it out but he won't let me." That's kind of like yelling "Who ate my hamburger" in a crowded McDonalds.

I am sorry for the kids. She will love them, even through the fog. Both of you do need to agree to limits for discipline and interaction between other man and your kids. Do it legally if you can, behind the woodshed with other man if you can't.

I would personally love to see their relationship blown all to hell. They both deserve that, even after the divorce is final. It may be that they both learn their lesson by having to live with each other.

It never ceases to amaze me when affairs that end in marriage, seem to have a built in penalty mechanism. On other forums where I have worked with people in troubled marriages, I usually ask if either spouse is involved in an affair now or previous to the marriage. You might be surprised at the answers.

God bless,
Gimble

Let’s see….where was I?

OK…..been busy and figured I’d give a short synopsis of what’s been happening. Well, since I’ve last visited with you fine knowledgeable folks nothing really dramatic has occurred. I thought I’d be single by now, but he process is taking far longer than I anticipated. My lawyer sent STBXW’s lawyer the documents to serve upon her shortly after I requested the process be initiated.. We never heard anything back even after making inquiries as to the service. Eventually we asked for the documents back to have them served by a process server. Her lawyer immediately served them upon my STBX and returned the affidavit saying such.

Here in Canada the defendant has 21 days to respond or they will be found “in default” and the divorce process proceeds under the assumption that everyone agrees to the terms and wishes to go ahead with the process. As we already have a separation agreement that is drafted to become the divorce agreement there really was nothing to negotiate.

We did receive a letter from STBX’s lawyer stating that they wished to enter into mediation regarding “parenting issues” It’s likely that STBX realizes that she has relinquished seeing her children on all weekends and maybe regrets signing that portion. Oh well. We wrote them back stating that we weren’t interested and asked them to state what issues were of concern. Heard nothing back. I did however concede to receiving and sending brief E-mail’s and TM’s from STBX to facilitate timely communication regarding the children. I couldn’t rely on my friends to deliver messages forever.

I had the children for the month of August to coincide with my vacation. As my son has told me he has seen OM kiss his mom and has been to his residence I had a little conversation with him as we drove to the cabin. I figured he’s sophisticated enough to get the information in an age appropriate way. I also figured he would be really upset at himself if as an adult with appropriate values he remembered himself as a youth playing buddy-buddy with mom’s “friend” who was partially responsible for the destruction of the family unit. He was mad. He must have realized it somewhat already as he admitted to “accidentally” breaking 2 pairs of OM’s expensive glasses while with him. STBX has avoided their contact with each other since my chat.

Now my STBX has been found “in default” and I went to my lawyers’ a couple of weeks ago to swear the affidavit of applicant which subsequently gets filed at the court house. It then takes between 6-8 weeks for it to be approved by a Judge, filed and sent back. I then am divorced other than the actual certificate that I need to apply for in case I wanted to remarry.

I no longer fear or dread the process or the declaration. I’m ready to see what God and life have lined up for me. I regret this step has to be taken and I worry deeply for the effect it has had on my children, but I see my life in a different way. I no longer know what will be in store for me and also realize, contrary to what I thought, that I never did.

Hi, Binder.

I am truly sorry for your pain and for your children. It is amazing that someone will choose to chase a 'feeling' over truth, in fact, burn down the gates of ****** just not to lose it. The problem, as folks here know all too well, is that the feeling always goes away, no matter how hard you chase it.

What in the name of all that is holy, does a woman like your wife do once the feeling is gone, and she finally begins to see the path of destruction behind her.

I don't know what to say, Binder, other than please don't be a stranger. I miss your frequent contributions here.

God bless,
Gimble

I think you/we all know the answer 2 that 2uestion:

More often than not, they self-medicate and do the same thing again... and again... and again...

When this "love" wears off, there will be another one just like it 2 {temporarily} replace it.

Binder. Good 2 hear from you. Fire's burning out at GC's, and it's getting colder. ('course it's nothing like the GWN, where it's probably frozen solid by now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

-ol' 2long

Thanks Gimble…..I will be fine…..I know that now. Had I found this place right from the get-go things likely would be different. Though I still have gained tremendous insight and support from this venue. I have so many of you to thank. Are you reading this WAT?

STBX’s relationship will die……I know that. OM lives 300 km away and can’t move his children from his BS. My son, God bless him, is an extremely active boy constantly testing his limits. He will not tolerate OM in the picture now that he knows.

I doubt my STBX will have a “crash”. She never had a capacity for any sort of introspective self criticism…..she always defended her actions and position vehemently and was quite skilled at it. Her defense has always been a good offence.

2long, I know she will not find anything to fill that void in her soul. She will no doubt fail in this putrid “relationship” and will attempt to connect with another….and another……

Also things are not frozen yet here in the GWN, but they did receive a foot of snow in some parts of the province. The outlying areas of the city have a frost warning tonight so those of you with SUV’s and V8 engines…..due us a favor and let them idle all night. Global warming is good.

.

Hey all....just got a TM from my STBXWW......seems she's decided to attend my son's hockey tournament in the mountains in November and wants to know when we'll be arriving. A wonderful mini-vacation I had planned now has her thrown into the mix. I'm sure she'll stay at the same hotel that has rooms blocked off for our team. Maybe she'll be so crass as to bring the OM so I can look forward to being arrested by a mountie too.

She attends all of 2 or 3 of our son's games all year in the city and now this sudden interest?. She's looking to push my buttons and it's working. This is a small town, the parents will be eating together, using the same pool at the hotel, recreating together, going to 4 games in one day together. Together, together, together! I need apart, apart, apart!!

Binder, this may be a great opportunity to show your kids what taking the higher road really means. Be polite, nothing more than that is truly expected from you. Oh and stay away from any cliff near the OM! Really, I hope she has enough sense and class to leave him at home.

Hi Binder,

I can sympathize greatly.My town is now,my town(small too).I don't want my WH hanging around and associtating with my friends and the families of my girls' friends.It just isn't right.Luckily he doesn't hang around much.Only once did he impose himself on my friends and hang out like it was no big deal.They weren't very comfortable with him being there in their front yard but they made small talk and that was it.

Don't you hate it when they want to be involved all of a sudden? They ruin everything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

O

In a just world, this wouldn't happen.

The world you and I inhabit does not quite make it up to that standard.

There is no nice way to say this, but what are YOU going to do about it? Since we can't (legaly anyway) control her, it is up to you now.

I hate doing that, I would rather validate your feelings, and say nice things to you. You know I would.

Forgive me.

SS

Faithful……I will take the high road…….if only to start an ‘effin rock avalanche on those scoundrels on the low road!

Octobergirl, here in the city I can avoid her notwithstanding that she lives less than 200 meters away. I have the kids every weekend and she spends the weekends mostly in OM’s city. All the other days I’m at work….this town the tournament is in is tiny, in a National Park, and has few tourists this time of year………we might as well be going on vacation together in a freaking Miata! There’s only so many places to get breakfast, to recreate, to have a beer etc.

Still seeking:


This is all about control. How she can control me as I’m reacting exactly the way she wants me to. She needs to feel connected; when I retreated into myself during the marriage in response to her emotional outbursts it drove her nuts. I did use it as a tactic at times I must shamefully confess. It’s also why plan B bothered her though obviously not enough to return to our marriage.

This allows her to get into my face ostensibly to see our son play hockey. Even the text message asked what time I’d be arriving there after stating she’d be going too. It was obviously sent to simply let me know she’s going as what time we arrive is irrelevant. If seeing our son play hockey was the sole intent, she could get the schedule from the coach and likely will be getting it as a matter of course via the fan-out email the team manager sends.

What will I do? Well first I’ll rant here like a high strung teenager whose old girlfriend is showing up at a high school dance with another date. Then I’ll get my emotions under control and realize there is nothing I can do to stop her and any effort I pursue to dissuade her from going will entrench her desire to attend and feed her sense of satisfaction by communicating emotion on my part.

Next I’ll be working out twice as hard as before. I keep myself in shape via strength training and running. I will increase the weight training intensity and reduce my calorie intake slightly so I’ll be ripped around the pool. I will only bring my newest clothes so I’m seen looking the best I can around town. I will pre-plan activities for the children during the down time so they are happy to be spending time with dad. Also I will envision and imagine all the worst case scenarios with my STBXW so I’m not taken by surprise by her actions or my reactions. I will be cool, appear easy-going, smile a lot and absolutely ignore her as much as possible. I will also not appear flustered in any way shape or form if the children run over to her on a frequent basis. Heck, I can use that time to chat with the single hockey moms!

What will I do if OM is there and I see him near my children? THAT I can’t answer until confronted with it.