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#1380529 05/13/05 01:36 PM
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tmom Offline OP
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hi everyone,

I am not sure if this is the right place to past my topic but here goes...

My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. when we met about 6 years ago, they were already broken up. From what I gather, she got pregnant and told her parents (she was only 16) and then ran away to live with her dad in TX. He didn't really keep in contact with her except a few letters and phone calls every once and awhile. she refused to get a blood test and didnt ask for child support, just checks in the mail every once and awhile...Well we met and I think she was still pregnant, but he didn't tell me anything untill we got serious. By that time I was angry that he hid it but I thought I could handle it. He acted like he never talked to her and that they never had a real relationship, just sex. about 2 years ago she asked for child support, and he just ignored all the papers so they started garnishing his wages. I asked him why he didnt ask for a blood test since sometimes he says he's not really sure its his daughter. We went to visit family over Xmas and since they are from the same home town she was there too. This was the first time I had seen her. But he wouldnt even walk up to her and say hi. He waited untill no one was around (including me) to talk to her. It's like hes afraid of her or something? I really dont get it. Well she said she wouldnt let him see his daughter unless I wasnt around and that someone had to be with him at all times. oh yeah the little girl doesnt even know he is her dad! the talk on the phone but the X treatens that if he tells the lil girl that he is her dad she will run away with the girl and he wont ever be able to see her... Oh this lady is messed up in the head and she's messing her daughter up too. The girl is 5!!! Anyways I started checking his phone bills to see if they were still talking cuz he acting like he was FINALLY going to go to court and get visitation rights and then one night they talked to eachother and then he gave up on the whole court thing saying that hes afraid she would run away and he would never see his daughter again (not like he sees her now)and I found out that sometimes they talk for hours while I am gone (about once a month) then last week I saw a text message saying "I still love and I am gonna have u back and u r gonna love it" some bull like that I asked him about and he said he doesnt pay attention to the things she says and he wont talk to her anymore. I dont know what to do. I know he cant be having PA because she is so far away but could this be an EA? He acts like he hates her sometimes but I dont know... hes been hiding everything that has to do with her since we met. Should I treat it like an affair? thats how it feels...


Just keep Swimming, Just keep Swimming...
tmom #1380530 05/13/05 04:49 PM
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If your husband is talking with this woman for hours at a time and hiding his visit with her when you were "back home," then I'd say he is engaged in an emotional affair at the very least. Unless he's disappearing on the weekend, I agree you can probably rule out a physical affair. But an emotional affair can be every bit as damaging as a physical affair.... that is how most internet affairs start, after all.

The OW is an immature woman who is using her child as a pawn. That is disgusting. You and your husband need to have some serious talks, and I would advise counseling as well. You have to decide, together, on whether you BOTH want to/should have visitation with the child. You have to do things legally. If you remain married, then YOU come first and OW doesn't figure in your life AT ALL except as the (possible) mother of the child. You don't kowtow to her and since you both know she's trying to break up your marriage, your husband should never see the child without you there. Period. Your husband should have no objections on this point. If he does, it is a red flag!

OW's threats about disappearing with the child are probably just a line of BS she uses. If it is true, she uses to control your H. On the other hand, he could be making all of this up because he enjoys talking with her and he doesn't want to stop the phone calls. He likes that she is so hung up on him. It massages his ego and he needs that so he makes up a story to tell you.

Your husband was unwise to proceed without a paternity test to begin with. But there is probably nothing he can do about that now. Still, a consultation with a lawyer would be advisable, once you two decide together what role you will play in the child's life.

I would also advise you to check out the Pregnancy/Child board. Having an OC (other child) in the middle of your marriage is something that causes many challenges. Only you and your H can decide if your marriage can handle that kind of pressure, but the information shared on that board can give you a good dose of reality as to what it is like to have an OC.

~ Snow

Last edited by Snowbelle; 05/13/05 04:51 PM.
Snowbelle #1380531 05/25/05 11:20 AM
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tmom Offline OP
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Thanks Snowbelle

We haven't really come to any decisions but he said he wasn't going to talk to her anymore. He has just been ignoring her calls...she has been calling about once a day... While this makes me feel better, I don't see how it is a long term solution.

Last night she sent him another text message saying "are you too busy to talk? I've been calling you! Congrats on the house! I'm happy for you.(we are in escrow for a house... how does she know? we don't even have keys yet!) Call me friday night need to talk to you!" then she sent him a seperate text message that just said "I love you!"

She sent at midnight last night... Both of us (H & I) heard the beeping on his phone... he woke up and read it... I pretended to be asleep, he read it but I moved and he put his phone down then hugged me and went back to sleep. I got up early to read it and his alarm went off as I was putting his phone down... I am not sure if he saw me ;o)

I don't know what to do...we are so busy thinking about things for the new house we haven't really talked about all this...after he promised he wouldn't talk to her. How should I proceed now?


Just keep Swimming, Just keep Swimming...
tmom #1380532 05/25/05 01:29 PM
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Also, what do you think about me contacting the ex?

I am so confused... The first time it happened (her 1st text) I wrote him a letter and told him I wanted to leave but I was too weak I couldn't do it...

I don't think he feels like he did anything wrong...he was just talking to her and before this I have never had a problem with them talking, In fact- I encouraged him to call on a more regular basis...I wanted him to be a more responsible father...How stupid was that? I didn't think I would have to deal with an EA...

He comes from a family of liars and cheaters (I know it sounds bad saying that but it's true) I am good friends with my sister-in-law (she is married to my H's brother)and she just got served child support papers for his OC, she is gonna stick w/ him untill the DNA test is done when she'll know for sure it's his kid, cuz he is denying everything... I should get her on here.

Anyways I guess I just want answer to all the ???'s circling around in my head... It really is helpful to write it all down. One minute I feel like I am over-reacting, the next I want to run away from him and his conflict avoiding attitude! I think that is the main problem... He will do whatever it takes to avoid having a fight...we have been together 5-6 years and have never once had a full blown fight. Drives me insane trying to get his real emotions out!

Obviously we have other issues we have to deal with but how do we go about fixing them if he won't even talk about what's wrong? Sometimes I wish he would just explode already! then maybe we could get somewhere...I know he wants to work on our relationship(he told me when we talked the other night but he said he didn't want to go to counseling), but how much can one person change? As I said soo many ???


Just keep Swimming, Just keep Swimming...

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