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#1381502 05/15/05 03:51 PM
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Lora Offline OP
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I know all the statistics about living together before marriage, but then again at this age it seems a little odd to me to marry too. There are complications with kids and houses and locations and stuff.

I am not sure I beleive in marriage is forever any more, and yet, the idea of sharing seems good sometimes too.

What is your opinion? Marriage, living together, seperate homes?


Lora
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Hi, Lora,

I've thought a lot about this, and have come to the conclusion that ... I don't know the answer for sure. I think a lot of it will depend on the person I am having a relationship with.

I can say how I feel right now... having lived on my own (no kids, no house) again since my XH moved out, I've finally gotten back on my own two feet, am fairly comfortable with my life mostly the way it is. At this moment in time, I think I would be happy with a relationship that was exclusive, and, in that way, committed, but maintaining our separate living spaces - at least for a while - that doesn't mean that I wouldn't find it ok to stay over at his place or have him stay over at my place a couple of times a week or so. I can't say if I would be happy with that forever, but I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't just move in with someone. After maintaining a relationship in that way for a while, I'd think it would become apparent whether or not we wanted to make the final commitment of marriage again. For me, that would entail a lot less complications than for a lot of other women my age, since I don't have kids or a house to worry about.

And again, once I find someone, I'm thinking that what he wants will have to play a part in the decision of what to do ... I'd think that POJA would be an important part of MB to bring into a committed, exclusive relationship, and that would be what I'd say needed to be used to make the decision.

Them's my thoughts! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


terri Courage Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage. Ralph Waldo Emerson
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There is no doubt in my mind ourthe 20's. In our 50's we have done the family, first house thing. We have done much of the career things. We probably have older adult children and don't want anymore. This is very different from a 20 or 30 year old.

We need to balance the priorities of our exisiting family connections with those of the new 'special' person. Exactly how that is done I am not sure, but it has to involve a lot of straight forward communication.

Last edited by JustinExplorer; 05/15/05 06:33 PM.

Just another guy exploring middle age.
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I've been seeing a guy now for a year and I still don't know what I want. I don't think either of us are willing to marry yet. I know he wants me. I'm not sure that he wants my children. He has no children and does not entirely understand the whole deal. I don't think anyone without children possibly could.

We have discussed the whole "where would we live thing", and he and I both agree that we would have to find some halfway distance house to equal our commutes to work.

That being said, he doesn't let go of things very well at all. He has a very comfortable existence with a house the he has customized with a pool and pool area built in the back for entertaining, a complete home theatre that he runs professional movies from, a bar and dance floor also with disco lights.

So far he has stopped having parties every weekend (or at least guests hanging over at the pool complex and bar) since last summer. He does still entertain and show his movies. I can't imagine living in a house where entertaining two weekends a month is considered normal and children are involved. He is very much a burning the candle at two ends kind of guy - how else could he juggle as much as he puts on his plate? I have to remind him that I have a priority in his life because otherwise he would neglect me in favor of his other commitments.

I have seen before how he says he is going to do things and then does not do them. I have the sad feeling that eventually the longing to have more of his time will drive me to look for someone that will devote more of himself to a relationship.

I've read that in a normal healthy relationship the couple progresses from casual dating to spending more and more time together as the relationship deepens and matures. I think that I have done my part in giving up almost everything non-essential in my life in order to spend as much time as I can with him. I don't see much evidence of him doing the same.

Is is stupidity on my part to believe a guy who says that in the past he lived for the moment (read party guy), but as he got older realized that he needed to make some changes. Actually the way he puts it is that "he realized no woman would ever tolerate his lifestyle". (Is that to be read as ok I'll say anything you want to hear just to have a woman in my life?)

I face a two part dilemma. One - without us cohabitating why should he need to make changes that would accomodate a family lifestyle before a family ever lived with him?
The second is that I feel it would be a demand rather than a respectful request to tell him to do what he said he would do and focus more on family.

I recently was in the presence of a couple getting ready to be married. She had a daughter and he had no children. He was laughing and relaying stories of the funny things that this girl had done recently. I don't know if my bf has any funny stories to share of my children - he just doesn't spend enough time with them...

Depressing - help me figure this out guys!

Sunny

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Sunny,

It's time to move on--let him go, and meet someone who is more able to give what you need.

Lora,

personally, I like marriage, and prefer it to simply being in a committed dating relationship.

Something to consider as far as whose house you'd want to live in or what to do with those homes, why not rent those out and purchase a joint home. Using the rental income to help support you in old age when those houses are paid off.

Or for your children to live in when they are older maybe they could go to a local college while living there?

Or even a first home for them when they marry and are just starting out and needing to save for their own first home purchase.


Simul Justus Et Peccator
“Righteous and at the same time a sinner.”
(Martin Luther)
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Sunny - It seems like your friend is showing you how he really is. - not that interested in your kids. If you marry him, he will get even less interested in your children. You could continue dating him, but start looking for others also.

My big problem before I met WH was that I would date men that my kids loved, but were not right for me. On the other hand, I dated men that I could really get interested in, but they were not right for my kids.

Hope you will keep looking. There are lots of good men around.

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I see no reason to tell you what you already know.


Just another guy exploring middle age.
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Sunny, I suppose it's because you are too close to the situation that you think you need help figuring this out. But like ThornedRose said, it's time to move on.


Profile: male in mid forties
History: deserted after 10+ years of marriage, and divorced; no communication since the summer of 2000
Status: new marriage October 2008

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