LB$:

I think I need 2 tell the kids, at least my D, 2day or 2morrow. My D and her H are deciding whether 2 go 2 my telescope thing this weekend, and I've offered 2 pay if they want 2 go. My W hasn't said whether she's planning 2 or not, since our dialog yes2rday, and she'd likely be bringing our S if he decides 2 go. Oddly, I don't feel much like going now myself. But I haven't missed one since 1979. And I have enjoyed the past 3, even though they were after d-day... ...maybe BECAUSE they were after d-day. But I didn't bring a scope in 2002. Just books!

As for filing. I could do it "now", but the real drop dead cutoff is when the decisions are being made about the logistics for the OOSP trip. Likey next week or the week after.

...and I have the perfeval 2 concentrate on 2day.

-ol' 2long

ALW,

DOH! Sorry, got the wrong wife [Aussiewife].


Yep it could go either way, and the serving of those divorce papers may have a delayed emotional impact on her. But whatever her reaction is, there will no be denying that 2Long means business and that he is emotionally strong enough to weather a divorce IF it does come to pass.


Try tying a string to that stick with an open bottle of beer on the other end of it. That'll do it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

TMCM

"I think I need 2 tell the kids, at least my D, 2day or 2morrow."

Gotcha.

You know, for some reason I think that exposure will do more than filing for divorce. I wouldn't mention to D that you plan to, and if she asks I would just say that without firm NC in place you don't see how divorce can be avoided. I wouldn't mention a timeframe, just keep it open ended. Otherwise, I think you run the risk of exposure doing everything that it can do.

Don't wait too long after completing exposure to file, otherwise you run the risk of lessening the impact of the one-two-punch. Also, make sure you actually complete exposure to ALL potentially influential people before filing.

Take care 2Long

Btw, know what YOU want and need in a divorce atty before you start interviewing them. Have a short list of questions for the free phone consult. In about 2-3 minutes you'll be able to rule out attys who aren't suited for your needs and you can move onto the next without wasting a lot of time.

Okay. Not great, because I have my annual perf eval this afternoon, and I need 2 fill out some forms and be all perky and self-promoting.

You'll do well.
I laughted when I read "all perky and self-promoting."
You are naturally like that, you don't need to force it.

You even have humility, which word is lost on some people.

Ha HAAA,
I'll talk to you later.

SS

I left without saying goodbye this morning. Just didn't feel like it.

I updated my DD a little while ago.

She's understandably very hurt and angry with her mom, but her reply was very ma2re.

I responded with words like "please try 2 understand that an A is like a drug addiction" and told her that I love her mother very much and will endeavor 2 treat her compassionately, but firmly standing for our marriage.

Our son needs 2 be told soon, 2.

-ol' 2long

2L,

That must have been very difficult....blessings to you and your daughter.

Telling my son is going to be the hardest thing I've pretty much ever done.

He really loves his mom. He will be devastated.

-ol' 2long

2long... man do I feel for you. And I love that you're showing all this nerve.

That response from your W was... like AD said. It had no relation to what you said.

Good man, 2long.

GC

gc:

Thanks. I wish I could post what my DD said (and what I said 2 her), but it's 2 specific, and it is her personal response.

I am so lucky 2 have the kids I have.

-ol' 2long

Funny thing 2day.

I was getting out of my chair 2 head off 2 my perf eval, when the phone rang. I was half hoping it was my group soup saying it was postponed, but it was the fire department.

They said my truck was leaking gas in the parkinglot. 42nately, I ran in2 my group soup on my way out, so I was able 2 tell her I'd be late.

When I got there, it 2rned out 2 be the gas overflowing out the gas cap (I'd just filled it on my way in in the morning). That happens with that silly thing when I park on a slant toward the gas cap side of the truck. At least it wasn't a burst fuel line (I had that happen once with my 67 bus, and it emptied 15 gallons of gas on2 the newly paved asphalt - the "scar" was there for years after that!). All I needed 2 do this time was back the truck in2 the space, and it was jake.

The fire dept got a kick out of my "historical vehicle" plates. I told them "They misspelled it, that's all."

-ol' 2long

Sweet dreams, or as close as you can get right now. (absence of night mares?)

SS

I'm wide flat awake, ac2ally.

I sent you an email, but my email server is all goofy or some such. Dont' know if it got sent.

W was all cheerful when I got home. We were out of cheese and salsa, so I ran 2 the store and got some. I let her finish Charlie Rose before she made dinner (not hard stuff), and I cleaned up afterwards.

I guess this is the way it's going 2 be for a while. Maybe she's plan Aing me? Nah. Just nice not having me around, possibly. But she did seem 2 want me 2 join her at the TV (her Time Team show was on, one of her faves - mine 2). I just went up there 2 tell her our SIL's sister had arriven from London, picked up by her BF, and they were going out for a while. Got my PJs on, and went downstairs without getting engaged in convo.

Read a magazine, and am posting (Ithink).

-ol' 2long

2rns out I'm tired after all!

So, gonna stare at my eyelids for some several hours!

-ol' 2long

2long,
Tough going…explaining to children the whys and where fors of something so seemingly final as divorce. It’s like that tired old joke…”The 95 year old couple goes to there attorney to get a divorce and the lawyer asks why they waited so long…The punch line being, we were waiting for the kids to die!” More truth in that joke then we would all like to think. But you know what? If anything is going to cut through her fog, seeing her children’s pain should do the trick.

But wait and see what happens now… (this is one sign that you’re correct by the way; that this is still having an affair)… If your WW has a heart in her, she will come at you with fire in her eyes and anger flashing around her like an avenging angel (make that a black angel, LOL)! I mean she is going to be seriously pissed off at you! Unhappy kids, after all, are not supposed to be part of the bargain! LOL It’s like all this sh#t happens in a vacuum and no one else is ever affected right?…Fog, fog, fog!

And 2long, when and if she comes at you…it’s haymaking time for old 2 long! Forgive the unsolicited advice but if you really want to be smart about it, you will sit and listen to her like she is the mother of all knowledge. You will say nothing! Nothing at all! You will make constant eye contact during the entire ordeal and not argue, debate, contradict, or comment. And when she is finished…you will remain silent. Absolutely silent…Still making eye contact (never loose eye contact…never) and sit there with her until she makes the next move.

She will do one of 4 things. 1. Ask what you’re steering at like a lunatic and demand a response from you; to which you will not respond, but instead continue doing more of the same, thus sending her THE message once and for all. *No more talk unless it’s about how to save the marriage…on your terms!* 2. Resort to calling you all kinds of nasty names and then walk away in anger. If she does this, she will return for a reprise, you may be sure. And you will handle it exactly the same way. 3. Just walk away from you with out calling you the nasty names acting hurt, misunderstood and abused. (If it’s this one, it will be hard for you! Real hard, so stay the course and keep your mouth shut!) 4. She will start to cry and seek comfort from you. Only if it’s number 4 do you verbally respond in any way. And then it’s OK to give her a loving hug and to quietly reiterate your terms to save the marriage in the most loving way you can manage.

2long, this stuff is communications 101 and knowing this stuff is my educational and professional discipline. If you take my suggested course of action, should the above scenario evolve, you may just earn yourself a small window of opportunity…to get your WW to a place where she is finally willing to seriously listen to you…maybe for the first time.

Coach

coach:

Very helpful! Thanks again.

What will likely happen, though, is that I'll have 2 inform her that I've exposed 2 our DD via email in a couple hours. I'm planning 2 talk 2 cerri first, and consider her advice (but make my own decisions). I'm in a meeting now, but that's next.

2night, I'm supposed 2 pack for my annual pilgrimage 2 join a thousand other telescope nuts in the mountains. I haven't missed in 26 years, and I don't intend 2 miss this one. My D and her H may come. My son may 2. Even my W might be planning 2 come still, particularly if she feels she was successful at deflecting my demand for NC by baffling me with bullfeathers the other day.

I'd prefer she told our son, but I will if she won't (and my DD says she will if *I* won't). So something is going 2 happen 2day. We'll see.

-ol' 2long

More I think about it, the more I think I'm going 2 have 2 be the one 2 tell our son.

I'm supposed 2 be distancing myself from the madness of her A, not getting in the thick of it.

Telling him is still going 2 be the hardest part of all this for me. And I realized I was repackaging my fear of hurting him with this kind of news as her responsibility 2 do so.

Not that she isn't responsible, but she wont' take responsibility at this point, so I have 2.

-ol' 2long

THIS is just about perfect Coach!

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> salutes to you !

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Only just about?

What could be perfecter? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

2L; I can't imagine a more perfect scenario than what Coach laid out. Bite your tongue if you must, but DO NOT get into a discussion or try to explain, justify, rebutt...just let her know by your silence that what needed to be said has been said, and that she knows what she needs to do as well.

What would be perfecter is [color:"red"] *you* [/color] actually doing this!

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />