I'm not even sure where to start. I knew we were having some problems. Everytime I tried talking to him, it was my fault, my personality, blah, blah. I got HNHN in March to try to improve things from my end. Never showed him the book, though. I've been getting suspisious the last couple weeks. Asked him even about a week ago and he denied he was having an affair. Today something came over me and I checked his "sent" messages on his email....and there it was. It's a girl at work, they've bben "talking" since last August. the last email was from last weekend. I confronted him today and he says he's not having an affair....that they're just friends. I tried to tell him, even if it's emotional it's still an affair. I don't know if I should believe they haven't done anything or not. He calls her "babe" and says I need you and basically talks like he used to to me when we were first dating.
I just want to know from someone who's been there...what should I think? What should I do? I'm still shaking and in disbelief that this is happening to me. I NEVER thought he would do this to me. Oh, and we have 2 small children, which I guess is why he hasn't left me. I'm so scared and sick. Please anyone with advise?

[color:"blue"] [/color]UPDATE

[color:"black"] [/color] So todaywe talked again, and I told him how I have so many senerios playing in my head that I really need answerto. And he talked....it did get sexual. he said only a few times, and not lately because he's been feeling so guilty. I don't know but at least he admitted it was sexual, I knew in my gut it was. He told me it started because she was giving him the attention he wanted. He admitted that if I hadn't caught him he would still be with her and probably would have ended up leaving me. I asked if she was the one he wanted to be with, if she was the girl for him. He said no, he knows it wouldn't have lasted...she was a negative person, how he was always having to build her up (like self-esteem). But still I think, then why were you with her then? I told him that I want to know every time he speaks to her, and he said that she's too pissed and will probably never speak to him again. I guess that's good for me, but would he talk to her if she was still willing to continue? He said if we can go like we have this weekend that he will be happy (as far as me meeting his needs). I feel today he was being honest with me. He answered my questions.....I asked him to go to counseling with me and he said no. He said no to a weekend mariage retreat, too. I guess I'm just looking for reasurance that this is sincere, has anyone been there where he has been remorseful and it worked this soon? Do you think we have a chance without counseling if we keep talking? I just want us to be happy and for this to never happen again...I guess I'm just looking for some reasurance.

Thank you everyone for listening and responding.

Soscared, your story sounds EXACTLY like mine. The blame, knowing there are problems, etc. I asked him numerous times and he denied it all the time. Then he moved out. After that, I checked his phone records and there it was...the evidence...just like you have. I confronted him and he denied it AGAIN. Said they were just friends. She was "more supportive" than I was. She believed in him. After counseling, he agreed to not speak with her anymore, acknowledging that it was an "emotional affair". But once he returned home about 2 weeks later I was able to check his text messages. Much more revealing and they were still talking. That is when I called her. She works (yes still) for him. I knew her well. I asked her to leave him alone and she spilled the beans about everything. He was totally busted and completely at rock bottom.

In my fury, I told many of our friends (all Christains who I honestly was seeking out in prayer. It was one of the best things I did...exposing him). He shaped up immediately, going to counseling, a support group for men with sexual sin issues and moving his office out of the building and changing the reporting structure so she reports to someone else instead. His change was dramatic and due in part (I believe) to being exposed.

This is my advice having so been there. We have a 4 year old and 18 month old. My D-day was almost 6 months ago. His A was 10 months sexual and over a year if you count emotional before. Our son was just about a month old when his A began. I was totally devestated.

Here is my advice. Believe your gut. What you suspect is probably true. I know you don't want to believe it, but your gut is the best clue that he is cheating. You may want to confront the OW. If I hadn't I don't think I would have ever found out. I don't know anything about your husbands OW, if she is married or not, but that may be something you want to do. Be prepared for her to deny it (especially if she is married, my H OW was young and single) I started the conversation by pretending I knew EVERYTHING. She bought right into it and told me everything. I was nice and business like. Never lost my cool (till I hung up with her), and that is what I believed gave her the comfort to tell me everything in a 40 minute phone call. I asked my H to call her and confront her with me on the phone and tell her to leave him alone and he refused, that is why I called her myself. If he agrees to that, go with it. He also needs to make a dramatic change at his job. If he can leave, he should (let me tell you, I hate the drama of them still working together). If he can't (like in my case) he needs to make dramatic changes to ensure he does not see her. If he needs to seek HR once he breaks it off and she doesn't agree to the terms, he needs to be that dramatic. He also needs to be an open book, allowing you to check his phone records and e-mails to ensure that there is no contact. I know with them working together, you can't be totally sure they don't see each other, but hire a private investigator if you still suspect something.

In a nutshell, DEMAND IMMEDIATE CHANGE. Go to counseling, with or without him. But if he doesn't make changes you might want to consider asking him to leave. I was prepared to do that (I think he knew that and is part of the reason he broke things off very quickly). Be relentless in finding out the truth. Don't stop snooping and investigating until you are comfortable that you got the answers you need. Don't be afraid. I know it is soooo scary, but the truth will set you free. You have to know what is really going on if there is any hope of saving your marriage.

I hope for your sake that you are able to save your marriage. We are headed in the right direction now. You can work through this and come out strong. My h is now a better person. I hope it takes for the long run.

Scared, please find comfort and strength in the Lord. He is the only thing in life that is for sure. I begged God for it not to be true, and when it was, I did lash out at God "why, why, why?" But he comforted me and gave me the strength to get up and mother my children. He helped me to realize with or without my husband the "king of kings" is on my side. I couldn't have made it without God.

Counseling was huge. We still go weekly individual and couples. I am still working through some of the humilation of his job knowing and of course having to see her on occassion. But again, God has given me a peace that surpasses all understanding. He will do the same for you.

Be strong Scared. You can survive this just like we have done. Get answers and demand change.

God Bless you Hon!
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Yes, I too would call her. Your H will be angry that his game is over, maybe you could show up at work and confront her. They are probably making up a story to cover this up as we "speak". Trust your instinct.

My H's A was 5 years ago. Our marriage is better than it ever was. Exposing all is necessary. Just so you know, your chances of recovery are good. It can be painful, but I believe it is worthwhile. The A is a wake up call. It is better for you to know what is going on. Do not be afraid. The chances of a relationship stated as an affair surviving is less than 3%. Set limits and be firm. See an attorney to know your rights. If you do not set limits, this will go back and forth. He needs to agree to no contact. Keep reading Dr. H's books.

I've read here since my H's A and have learned a great deal. If you had a decent relationship with your H before the A, your relationship should survive. Many times it is the BS who walks away in the end.

It may not be the same, but everything will be OK. We are here for you. Hugs-Jersey Girl

Thank you so so much for replying. He's admitted it was an emotional thing, denies it was sexual. He told me he's broken it off with her, and that's were I want so badly to trust him, but I don't know if I do. When I press him for details, like "what did you say" or "how did she tkae it" he gets mad. Yesterday when we talked, he broke down and started crying and saying how sorry he was. but today if I try to ask he tells me never to bring it up agian....it's over. Is this how they get? it's only been 2 days should I give him more time before talking again?

I thought we had a good marriage before, but when he's in his funks he says it was never good. But when he comes out he loves me and is so sorry. Right now he says no to counseling, but I'm going to try to go anyway. Today, though, after he got mad and told me to never talk about it again, we made up and he was totally sweet and great for the rest of the day. Is this too soon for him to be "back " again? do you think it's sincere? I want so badly for it to be sincere. He also begged me not to tell anyone, because he knows how badly even his own family would look at him. He says if I tell anyone he will leave me. I just can't even handle that thought with our 2 kids.
Thanks you for you replys....do you think it's too soon for him to be remorseful?

So scared. Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a wonderful place to be under the circumstances.

Keep reading here, and you will see that your husband is a classic wandering spouse. It is almost like they have a textbook that they go by. They all say the marriage was never good, they don't want anyone to know, they don't want counseling, if you tell they will leave, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yes, it is too soon for him to be remorseful. They never are. You need to read about Plan A, and start there.

It may have been sexual, so prepare for that.

Also, he needs to have no contact with her ever again. If they work together, he needs to quit. Also he needs to write a no contact letter to her.

Stick with us and keep reading. Weekends are very slow, so you might want to post on general questions. But I can promise you, that we have a plan here, and your husband does not.

It was probably sexual, which is why he doesn't want this little story going out to his family, who unlike us BS, won't give him the benefit of the doubt. They'll see right through it and know it wasn't just an emotional thing.

I'm sorry. I know that hurts... just want you to be prepared in the chance that he will come completely clean (that would be a good thing).

Since your husband knows you are onto him, and he's more likely to cover his tracks now if he wants to keep the affair going, you'll have to do some sluething on your own to see if it has really ended. A keylogger on the computer would be my first step (not a freebie, those can be detected... look into Spectorsoft products).

If he is not willing to talk about everything that happened, if he is not willing to answer your questions openly, in short, if he is not willing to work on the marriage and help you to heal, then he is probably still hanging on to his affair partner.

You could call OW and tell her you know about their affair and that WH has told you he broke it off because OW meant nothing to him. Gauge her reaction. But then end contact with her. It does precious little good to stay in contact with an OW, whose object after all, is to steal your husband.

Is she married? If she is, it would be better to talk to her husband about your husband's emotional affair with his wife and see if he has any light he can shed.

Hang in there. Read all that you can on this site.

~ Snow

Everything is way too soon. You guys HAVE to go to counseling. If he is admitting that he had a least an emotional affair, that has to be addressed and dealt with by a professional. He needs to understand why he did this. Don't believe him that he'll leave you if you tell anyone. That is just a threat to try and get what he wants, privacy and protection from his behavior. I'm not saying you should tell the world, but a counselor needs to know and needs to help you through this.

Please do not take his word for anything right now. At a later day you can and should. But now, with so many unexplained things, you should continue to snoop and make sure he is being honest with you. My H told me he had broke it off to. He even gave me details that she cried and stuff and then a week later I found a text message she sent him and accessed them all and found out that they were still talking after he told me he had broke it off. I was glad I snooped. It was then that I exposed him and then everything changed.

My advice to you is pray. Go see the counselor and take advice from there. He needs to be an open book with you and allow you to ask questions about what happened and check his phone, voice mail, etc. without any anger at all. That is the consquence for his lying and betraying you. He now gets no privacy until trust is built back up. If he is not willing to do this, I would take it as a red flag. He's still hiding something.

Please keep us posted. I'm sure he is very angry at you for finding out, himself for doing this and getting caught, he's sad and missing the OW and scared about what both of you are going to do. Keep that in mind, but do NOT allow him to manipulate you with threats of don't do this or I'll do this. You do what you have to and what feels right for you.

Good luck!
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One your the victim of the relationship not him, I have to agree with the other forum writers if he don't want to talk about it, it could be they have had a sexual relationship and don't let him tell you if you tell someone his going to leave you, you have the right to seek adavice from close freinds and family, make sure you tell everyone you feel fit that could help you at this hard time......that's what I did with my husband and at this point I don't every stop checking his wallet, cell and his in and out going calls......it's my right to check.......I turn the tables on him by saying "it's when I stop checking your wallet and cell bill you should be worried"...............because if I stop checking for number and etc.......that mean I've move on from this relationship.........me and my husband have been married for 4 years now and have one child together......his affair with his ex-girlfriend three ago never stopped me from making sure I should be treated with up most respect because I'm the wife.......has far as I'm concern............I'm allowed to check and search for clues it's my right...........my husband is a assoicate minister........ I love him but I know God is holding my hand everyday....trust me my husband have had other affair before we got married with two other women........other then his ex-girlfriend................so now he tell me his commented.....but I still check for my benefit.........don't let him turn the tables on you......because your the one hurting not him.........and yes women will lie........trust me when their cheating with someone else husband or boyfriend.....................

So this weekend we the first after exposing the affair, and he was perfect and acted committed...like a husband should act. He even said something last night as to "hasn't this weekend shown you" how he's committed to me again. I know it's just 4 days, and that why I'm curios if he truely is remorseful, would this be how it goes? I keep thinking it's too soon too, but want so badly for it to be sincere. So if I try to get the answers out, I know it will make him mad. Should I ruin the goodness we have going now, or do you think in time he would be more willing to talk? Oh, he's also making plans for us to go out the next 2 weekends (which we haven't done in a long time)
I'm so confused.